August 21
05:18
Damnit, didn’t even realize… It’s a fucking Friday. One day of work. That’s nice. But this will be everyday work. So are We ready? Because this shit might not pay for a long time, and We’d be working seven out of seven on this. Plus then We also have that nine to five until this shit pays or We get something better.
And even if We want something better, We’d first need to get that driver’s license, and seeing as it’s only for the bike, well, not many opportunities will open up because you know, they don’t give a fuck and there’s probably someone with a car. So yeah…
That’s how this world works, ain’t it. That competitive nature, and We get that, in sport, in business, but in livelihood. What’s up with that shit. What the fuck’s up with that shit really. Like, can’t We all live… It seems lately there’s this shift. And sure, there’s people in places that got it a lot worse, but this ain’t here, and We ain’t there. And sure, We got chances, and We got safety, and We got whatever. We got a bunch of shit. But that’s all it really is, shit… A nice layer of manure that covers the real sickness spread amongst all of us. Nobody’s fucking talking about it though. That emptiness, that abyss, the hole. That never ending questioning. We got the time, don’t we. That’s our problem. Hey, that was Our problem, so it must be theirs too, like, We think it’s the only reason. Too much time on those hands, and they go straight for the existential bullshit, you know, digging for answers that aren’t there. Because those answers, well, there’s only one place where you might find bits and pieces. Then you gotta get smart enough to put them together. Figure it out. Suffering. It’s true what they say. Suffering. That’s the only way. Like, We still don’t know shit, but We know suffering. Suffering became Our friend. And We kinda like it now.
So, let’s get to that suffering…
Four hours of sleep, got a ton a shit to do. Let’s get it over with…
07:10
Ain’t gonna be able to write shit. At least not this early in the day…
Did get beat the fuck up by that run. Had a 12:30 min/mile average. That shit fucked Us up pretty bad. The funny thing. About a week ago, well almost exactly a week ago, that’s when We stood at that start line of a hundred kilometers. Today we strapped on 3kg weights and had a backpack on Our back of at least 6kg. And then We ran to the job.
Fuck. Who’s gonna do that shit… Look around. There’s a few, but not many. Definitely not. Should this be a standard of life. Nah, but this is Our standard of life…
08:53
A new one…
Sure. But is it really. It’s not really a new one, because We continue down this path. Though ever now is a new moment, perpetual…
Well. That’s what We do. We just play along for a little bit. But once they’re gone, that’s when We get to this here. Gotta get as much as possible. Because there’s always someone lurking, always another empty soul looking for saturation. And the only way they gain that is by talking bullshit.
It’s always a new one, ain’t it. But this one has a space. Always some space. Leave some space, and you know the thing with space, it’s saying more than the words in between.
11:16
It’s a lot like this, and then you get dragged into that shit. You don’t really wanna, but it’s that fucking mentality. Group mentality and shit. The conversation is steered down a certain place and well, it’s hard to drag yourself out of there.
We try though. Now it’s quiet. Sort of. Got some criminality docu on the tube while eating.
Well, now the radio’s still blasting. Hate that shit, but if We turn that fucker down then others will be bitching. Fuck others though…
Still here, still doing Our thing… In a way, but at least it’s Our own way.
It’s funny. Talking about dead bodies, talking about how they’d wind up in a place like this, and how everything would go into mayhem mode. Yeah, We would be fucked.
Madness…
Man, the madness, a damn mess…
Fuck…
Need that silence. Turned off that damn radio. Well, didn’t turn it off, We don’t do that around here. Nah, We turn down the volume… That’s what We do
13:39
Can’t write much now, kinda fucked. Gonna over eat too, that’s somehow good and bad. Kinda had this empty feeling all day long. Hungry as fuck. Weird right. Always hungry.
Man, it’s that shit. It’s always that shit. They don’t know about that shit. They never did. We know now. The life,
14:43
Well. Couldn’t write all that much, people keep talking, so guess We’re gonna have to do all that shit when they’re gone… When they’re gone. Would most of them be dead. Life would be hella different. Not better necessarily, but extremely different.
Here we are. All alone again. It’s a good thing. And We’re never really alone. Lonely, sure. But never alone. Oh yeah. We’re never alone. Always got at least one along for the ride. How else could We have some fun. No one’s gonna live this fucked up life, you know, always in between messes and madness. There’s never a moment of peace, never an easy day, never some rest, both physical and mental. There’s just none of that. But that’s what’s necessary. It’s important to have this, at least for Us, in this type of life, you must suffer all the time, so you know, that bullshit suffering doesn’t amount to shit. Mainly because the self-induced suffering is levels above anything else.
Let’s be honest here, like real honest. We can hold ourself accountable. And We will, We do. Really. Well… Now. Not back then. And We’re trying our best to keep ourself accountable.
Sure, for the debt We are, for the life, We are… For the choices and the mistakes We are. It’s most of these things… But some of the hands We got dealt really put Us in a fucked up position. Like a really fucked up position. The back, the mind, the way We see the world, which often reflects from what the world showed Us. And sure, We took those journeys, and went places, and roamed streets, and climbed mountains. Quit jobs, went for different shit, whatever… It’s just how it is. And maybe, just maybe the back is also partly Our fault. But most of it’s genetic, DNA bullshit. The shorter leg, DNA bullshit. The mind, well, thanks mom and dad, and world, for putting it through that shit… The funny part… We will even take responsibility for that. We were only a child, We didn’t know what the fuck, We didn’t, We never did and probably never will. That’s just what that is. But yeah, We’ll be damn accountable for that shit. It’s Our shit anyway. Nobody can take that from Us.
Man, a lot of this shit has nothing to do with Us and still, still We must take responsibility for whatever the fuck it is, and whatever it did to Us. Because this world did a lot to Us. Not so much the physical part, nah, We got a little lucky on that one, though We did get beat up a lot back then. But the mental part, that would’ve been the toughest shit for any other person to go through. Don’t even understand how We did it in the first place. It’s like something snapped, like something became obvious every time but then faded almost instantly. That’s sorta what it was like. And then We did disappear inside of video games, and We did go out and acted a fool, did stupid shit to gain attention and well, usually wound in a big heap of trouble. The only thing that was ever on Our side, maybe it wasn’t really, maybe it was the devil in disguise… We got away with so many things it’s not even cool. All the shit We did, all the shit We were a part of, that’s a lot of bad shit. We didn’t kill people, it wasn’t that bad. Did think about that shit a lot though. Yeah, sold some drugs left and right, but no big deal, just a small time punk thinking he was the man on the block, We were the man of shit. Nothing. That’s what We were back then. Ripped off, got ripped off. Phones, wallets… Just got them to the right guy and that was over with. You see, this shit, it’s easy. But the shit We’re doing now, now that’s hard, that’s real hard. And it ain’t fun. None of this is. Especially this. Because you don’t wanna talk about that shit now, do you. This some nasty shit.
17:15
Well. There’s one outside. That’s not good. There’s this neighbor down below, their shit’s just visible from Our balcony, and We’re just visible from their shit. Well, they sorta don’t like Us not wearing a shirt, because, you know why. It’s like, they use this excuse that goes something in the lines of “my sisters in law don’t feel that comfortable at home when they visit if they see you shirtless working out…” That’s a long ass excuse. And the funny thing, really wished We were making this shit up. Don’t know. Can’t tell though, at the moment, whether it’s the wife, or a sister in law. The wife’s kinda okay, think so. She probably used to that shit now. Don’t she’s even gonna look up from that phone, maybe a few seconds in half an hour to make sure that one kid of theirs doesn’t faceplant on the terras. Yeah, funny business. But hey. Not Our problem.
On to some other business. Like, the real business… And that’s, who the fuck knows. Nobody, that’s why We’re here… With Our balcony time. Oh man. What would happen if every day We had a couple balcony times. Don’t even know how to say that shit, if it’s even worded properly. Balcony times, yeah. It’s Our thing. Can’t get distracted from the real mission. Fucked up Our shin, pretty bad, think it’s a stress fracture. Well, We’re way past thinking now, it’s more like, this shit’s a stress fracture. We’re practically sure. It swells up, doesn’t really go blue nor purple, but it does swell where Our sock isn’t providing pressure. Might still just be a shin splint. Hurts a ton for a shin splint though. Can barely run, well, hold a decent stride with that leg. Can’t put everything on the left leg though because that’s fuckin’ up Our back in a way. Yeah, messed up situation. Wanted to say probably, but We definitely gonna have to start taping, don’t know if We’re gonna do that though. We sorta got the time at the moment. Like, in the morning, before We run. But then We’re gonna have to order a whole bunch of that shit beforehand because it’s definitely gonna fly out the window.
Hope the calve stays a little bit in it’s current shape and sense, because it’s actually feeling pretty decent. The toe seems to be fine, only lasted a day. Hamstrings and quads are great except for the occasional sporadic cramps ripping muscle from bone. Yeah they do be hurting. Mean cramps. Fairly content about those achilles tendons. Don’t really feel those.
This is it for now. We’ll be back…
August 22
00:01
All that shit disappeared on Our ass. Did something wrong, fucked it up, but We did set it straight. We was supposed to be done, that was a big fat joke. Sure man, what did you expect, ya know, ya know damn well. This madness, it ain’t gonna let you alone, ain’t gonna move freely. You’re gonna struggle.
01:24
Fuck, We did good. Not yet there, but We’re gonna. That’s for sure. We’re gonna get there. Definitely. It’s not a problem any longer. We organized some stuff, now all We gotta do is plow through the motherfucker, when that shit’s done, We gotta move on to the next phase, which is picking out some of these motherfuckers, and then on to the next where We figure out Our layout of the damn site, and so forth and onward to a better day. Every day’s gotta be a better day. That’s how simple that shit is. But that also means… Don’t try and move too fast. Because the more you do now, the more you’re gonna have to pile up on that pitchfork, and eventually you won’t be able to lift the damn thing because you ain’t got the skill and the work capacity to maintain that grind. Take it step by step. That’s like one of the big outlines of this wisdom shit, this knowledge shit. Like, everywhere We go, like literally everywhere… It’s step by step. Ultra running, step by step, life, step by step, eating, step by step. Everywhere and everything. It’s that simple. Yeah, We’re gonna keep using that one. Because it is that simple. See how simple that shit was earlier. It wasn’t even hard work, and still We did some shit. A lot more than We usually do. So that’s step one. Step one and move on. Tomorrow’s another day.
Not gonna put much more here, no use. Like We said, tomorrow’s another day. So let’s get some. Sleep you know. First We read a little bit. The maybe watch a little thing. Then We sleep…
See ya punk.
12:42
There’s so much shit We can talk about, so much We wanna talk about. Yeah. But none of it matters. So what does? Because here We are again. 12:43 on the clock and this shit’s getting outta hand already. No joke. Like, We’re in this bitch one weekend and We’re already up this late, didn’t even work a full week. We gotta find a fucking solution to this.
It comes down to that though. Seems We don’t care enough about ourself. Our interests, Our goals, Our kind of life. Because We can do it during the week, when We gotta go to that stupid job, work for someone else who doesn’t give a shit about Us. Because they really don’t. You know, go on pretending We like what We do so there’s this small chance that We keep the job and slave away while just making rent, barely making rent. Always gotta watch that money. That’s what bothers Us the most probably. It’s all the stress too, that’s like…
So that might be what’s having Us crash out at the end of the week. It’s a lot of shit. Lack of sleep, working out all the time. Then there’s these colleagues, who are, no judgement, complete dimwits. The both of them. And the nasty part about it all, We’re always with one or the other, and there’s no room for Us to find moments of peace… And then this happens, We only talk about it and there goes the mind, wandering off into unknowns and strange inexistent dialogues, or monologues, with those people, about those people, as if the shit matters.
Right here, and right now. Like… What is this. And that’s what We call a reset. Get back into this shit. It doesn’t matter. You know why. That’s their job, their job’s not whatever they apply for, or where they’re stationed, nah. Their job’s to make you feel insecure. Not on purpose, not by accident. It is their real job, to do things that make you second-guess yourself. That’s what they do. And your job, quite simple. Is to build up that confidence once again and grow your way around that negative mindset. Because that’s all it is. That negative. The negative thinking, speaking, listening… Because some people only do hear the negative.
Maybe this is it, for now, gotta go run though, don’t We.
17:13
It’s like this, and it will remain to be like this unless We do something about it. It’s not that you feel any better. And worse, another two hours down the drain…
Yeah… You know where you’re gonna wind up if you keep doing this…
18:31
Gotta get this shit going. As soon as possible. 18:30, that’s a mess. By the time We’re on it it’s past seven, and then We need like an hour to an hour and a half. Really gotta do something about these Saturdays… We keep fuckin’ up these Saturdays. Kinda destroying Us, because We wanna do something about it but We just can’t find “da way” to fix it. It’s weird. It’s as if deep down We don’t wanna, but then there has to be a reason for that. And We try and We try, but nothing surfaces. Nothing comes up. Nothing ever comes up. It’s strange, ain’t it.
We really do wanna change, but it seems impossible. Some parts seem to be that way, you know, others were so easy, but then shit like this always gets out of hand, and it comes back to destroy Our butts big time. But the sleeping and the nap. We slept in big time, and the sad part, it’s always the same, before We gotta get up We wake up multiple times and actually feel pretty fine, just a little tired still, you know. Regular Wednesday type shit on a Saturday. So We turn over because We got like an hour, hour and a half on the clock, but then, sure, the alarm goes off, and We slam it, never snooze but We just can’t fucking move, and We drop dead beneath those sheets. And then usually, about and hour, hour and a half later We wake up. That’s when We finally come to Our sense and get out of that stupid bed. We hate it. We feel so bad, We are angry, mainly at ourself because of what We let happen once again. But then when We look at the situation it’s like, what can We really do about it if We just keel over and fade back into the abyss of Dreamland.
With the naps just the same. Like, this is funny though because We keep postponing Our time to get up and then We get to the point where We fade off completely. But the funny thing. And this always happens, not once, not a couple times, nah, always… But not necessarily this, just something like this. Was supposed to be a thirty minutes nap, still had thirteen minutes left, was going great, perfect. And slam, the damn door of one of those bedrooms got slammed shut by the wind. But, for some fucked up reason it never goes in the lock, nah, that shit stays right in front of the frame, so every couple seconds, slam, and slam, and slam… That’s that shit. So that’s what happened today. Maybe those things are indicators of like let’s get up and start to do shit, but We’re like this type of person that when We say half an hour, it’s at least half an hour. But yeah, lately We fuck that up just the same, so half an hour usually turns into one or one and a half.
Funny, never really wrote this shit down so expressively. Don’t like talking about it because We prefer talking about the stuff We already tackled or some shit that doesn’t make sense, or some philosophy of life that reflects on those around Us or vice versa. You know. But those current deep struggles inducing hatred into Our bones. Yeah, We preferred avoiding those. Maybe not any longer. Maybe that’s a level up. Well, We do need some honest real stuff to write about and this is that.
You know what’s messed up. We’re tired again. And We’ve been tired for days, weeks, months, now. This shit’s insane. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep paired with the training intensity, and the fact that it’s seven out of seven full body massacre plus a run every day. But still. Couldn’t be that bad, right. So why, why are We this tired… It’s starting to feel unhealthy as fuck, but hey, We ain’t got the time to stop and assess, nah, We gotta move on, because We got shit to do. A load of shit. This’ far from over, this’ merely the beginning. This’ the start so We can finally start.
21:25
Still got this thing here. Need to focus on the damn thing. That’s all that matters actually. But We gotta get nice sometimes… You know. Gotta get it good.
Continue here probably. Add time stamps maybe… We’ll see.
21:35
Like, this is it, and when We get home We’re kinda fucked… Because there’s like so much work left to do. So much. Endless amounts, a heap of shit to focus on, but that’s not gonna change, right. Like that shit will never change. The more We do, the more the work will pile up, that shit goes hand in hand. That’s usually how it goes. And this time, yeah, this time We’re gonna have to go through with this shit. Doesn’t matter how much it sucks. Fuck the suck, embrace the suck, get good at the suck, then you’ll definitely become the best at the fun. You see. That’s how it goes. So… Tonight’s also gonna suck, it’s gonna be fun, but it definitely’s gonna suck. Hope it does. We deserve that shit. Yeah, We really do deserve that shit. Because We’re a piece of shit. Piece of shit for getting up so late, piece of shit for taking a nap, piece of shit for going out so late. We’re a piece of shit most of the time, and We’re really doing everything to not be a piece of shit so much. But that seems to take some time. It really does. We’ve been at it for a while now, really. And it’s bugging Us, because, like, We never had this background shit, but now that We’ve grown in a way, We wish to build something strong around it. Not another product for people ro swallow or whatever, not some shirt with motivational prints, not some book about how to change your life. We did change Our life, but, We’re still doing it. Like, We’re always doing that shit. Until the day We die, that’s how long it’s gonna take, like, it’s just that. Always that. Until the day you fucking die right. That’s the only way. Keep at it, from the moment you wake until you shut those eyes, and believe, you’ll pray, many times, you’re not gonna wake up the next day. That seems to be a standard thought in that whole process. We’ve had it many times. But it’s actually a lot better compared to before all this, yeah, before all this it was a more negative version where We really didn’t wanna wake up in the morning because that meant We had to go on and down that depressive road where We never got any closer to being a better person or improving, or doing something that’s out of the ordinary.
Ultra-running has become something that’s less extra, but it’s still a small world, still a tiny community. And it’s not that We wish to be the best, not at all… There’s no sense in that. Being the best isn’t Us, We’re here to do hard shit, and enjoy that hard shit, that suffering. Like that’s what We’re here for, on this planet, on this surface. To get into that shitty fucked up stroll of life that gets everybody’s head down, and Our head might sink too, but fuck it, then We’ll continue this shit crooked. That’s how We roll. Was born crooked. So that shit ain’t a problem for Us.
Guess We got enough for now. Let shit sink. Think about some stupid shit. Get good and get ready. Later on We’ll fill this up further…
22:53
Did a bad thing. But then again it’s not such a bad thing in and of itself. It’s like, a relapse, and then the power to put that shit aside. And only use it in certain situations, when certain moments come to life. Honestly, not really enjoying the shit. Can’t really enjoy the shit, you know, because it’s not Our thing any longer. Should throw that shit in the trash, and that’s like, that’s real power, you know. But it’s a tough one. It really is a tough one. But We can feel it, the damage, the nasty habit, all that shit behind it. And We gotta be honest about this shit. Sorta did it on purpose, not to just have something We can write about. But it’s that process you know. There’s this whole process in life. So We grab another one, one more. And that’s the end of that. Once We get on that bus. And that’s gonna show Our true power. The man We’ve become so far. Like, this is a sort of relapse, but what motherfucker does that on purpose. That’s insane right.
23:13
It’s also regret. Regret does flow. But honestly, We do fuck up in life pretty often. That’s no surprise for Us. That’s like just another Wednesday type bullshit.
If there ever was something such as a reverse button, would We really use that crap. Honestly… Like that would be stupid. Imagine that existed, but you did forget everything that happened up until the point you went back to, that’s like stupid as fuck honestly. Because , it’s obvious, all those lessons here. Would it have been better not to do it. Maybe. But like, here We know that moment, that weakness. So, maybe it’s over with. All that shit you know. Good thing We only had to use a hundred bucks for that shit. Could’ve spent more. Yeah, We fucking could’ve. But We didn’t let that happen.
23:26
Guess We’re stuck here for a bit… Wonder what We can do in that amount of time. On here of course. What can We do in this bitch for fifteen minutes. Well, we sorta knew it was gonna be a late night. Guess it’s gonna be the latest night ever. Still a lot to do, just gonna have to be hard. Hard as fuck. Maybe set those alarms and then think of a good reason. Well, We’re the fucking reason. That’s clear, that much is obvious, but being the reason has to become visually clear. Like, what type of person do We really wanna be.
It’s a weird thing to think about. So strange, because there’s no end to the notions. All that shit. Just as that moment of weakness, do We really wanna be that weak guy, the weak one We were earlier. That’s exactly the kind of thing We’ve gotta figure out. Not if that’s what We wanna be, because We don’t. Who’d wanna be a piece of shit like that. But how can We fix that mindset. How do We find the flips and switches. There’s not a lot We can do if those moments creep up and We get to that point where nothing can stop Us from making the wrong decision. Because you will make wrong decisions. You will get there, and there’s no turning back, there’s no avoiding that mess. It is what it is. So We made a bad decision, We let the demon win. Sometimes the demon has to win, otherwise We might forget what the demon’s all about.
That’s probably the main reason behind this excursion, excursion of bad habits. Probably is the last time. We don’t know. That’s the whole thing. There’s a whole thing. Ideas that swirl this mind. Not any mind. Just this mind. That’s like, that’s it. Everyone’s mind is different, so everybody has this swirl. But the contents th stir the pot, well, that’s different for everyone.
This some good shit right here. So, much as We regret those actions, glad We fucking took ’em. Always go deeper into that shit. Always. There’s no end to it, but that’s the point. Gotta keep digging. And sometimes, awaken the beast, the demon and drown yourself in its madness. Because its madness is the only thing that’s real. Everyone’s avoiding that shit, everyone’s running away, burying the moster, deep down in the abyss. Face it, face the damn thing and you will find a way. Your life will become a more pleasant path to stroll along. That’s definitely true. It’s harsh, unsettling at certain times, and there’s a lot of suffering without a doubt. But those days of suffering do provide ease and comfort in other moments. And they drive all that’s part of the plan. Because there’s a plan, there’s a list, and He who reckons, well, He will hold you accountable to that list. Without a doubt. Nothing will stop Him from doing that.
23:43
It’s finding a path. That’s what’s hard. Because what can you do. What can be done in this life. Especially when no opportunity is ever given, when nothing is granted to you. That’s a tough cookie to crack. We’ve been at this shit for two years now. And believe Us when We say, nobody gave Us shit. Not back then, and not even now. Might still be doing the wrong thing. Like, might still be going at it the wrong way. That’s a possibility. Maybe even a probability. But it’s also due to the fact We don’t know anyone, well, anyone worth a damn in the fields We’re strolling through. We’re gonna have to move further and further until We come across anyone that’s willing to give Us a shot. And of course, put ourself out there. Because if We don’t, nobody’s gonna come looking for your ass. Nobody cares. Not really… Until you prove they should.
Damn son, We’re laying this down, We’re laying this thick. It’s a mess, it always is, but it’s honest. It really is honest. Like, We do agree, We fucked up. We definitely did. That’s not even a question. It’s always a statement. But this ain’t the last time, this ain’t the last mistake. There’s a lot of mistakes We’ll have to make in order to move on. That’s just how life works.
It’s late, still gotta eat, still gotta stretch, still gotta work, but We do have time. We really do. We’ve got a bunch of time, if We’re willing to sleep less. Wake up at ten. Gotta wake up at ten. That’s enough to get all Our shit done tomorrow. But We’re not gonna sleep real soon. Nah, there’s still a ton of shit to do. There always is. Just make it work, step by step. Quick shower, quick cooking, and quick eating, then We grind it out for what We’ve got left. Did sleep a lot already, so it shouldn’t be a problem. And then it’s stretching of course. Hell of a day though. Should’ve gotten up earlier, but We fucking didn’t, so We’re gonna pay that.
August 23
02:47
Failed big time, We did. Been a while since We failed this bad. Yeah. Mind wasn’t in the right place, maybe, sorta. Don’t know. Tomorrow’s another day, and We’ll go at it again. Always go after that shit. Again and again, like it’s the only thing, because it is the only thing. That’s the only option. We fuck up, then We also gotta set shit straight. And We did, sorta. We did good in this bitch. But if this bitch just stays inside, nobody knows We got her all polished and nice. That’s the thing. We gotta move her out there. Every chance We got, and every chance We get. That’s that. There’s no other way…
Maybe We did fuck up so bad today so that tomorrow We can move forward. Because We gotta move forward. At least feel like We’re moving forward. And maybe today is what We needed, because now We’re here and We ain’t got no excuse. We relapsed and quit at the same time. We went for some fun and got pleasure, but also a sense of defeat. We knew that shit would take all Our time, We knew, and still We went. But that’s okay, that’s really okay, because now We ain’t got excuses, now We ain’t got shit to say, it’s go hard, or go home, that’s it. Well, We’re already home, but still… It does matter. It’s either this way, or back to basic, back to nothing, back to whatever that shit was. Rather be going on to the next phase, and the next phase. Keep leveling up. That’s all that matters. And learn. Learn from all this shit.
See ya tomorrow punk. Fix that shit. Get up. You get the fuck up alright. This shit’s way too important. Like, your life sorta depends on it. And that’s true. Don’t say it’s not, because you need and could use any decent reason to get the fuck up. That’s the first thought that must come to mind. Well, “We gotta do this shit”. That’s the first one, you know. For whatever reason, but it is enough in and of itself, or at least it should be… And if it’s not, then you’re just a little bitch who doesn’t care about his life and the way he’s living. Simple…
11:30
Did a little better today, almost fucked it up completely again. But hey, it’s before twelve, so… Kinda good. It’s a step by step kinda thing… We can’t expect frog leaps every day. It’s more like a slugs slither that’s gonna get Us there. It’s boring, but it’s sustainable. And it has to be sustainable. That’s all. Don’t matter how boring it gets.
Yesterday was a representative of what not to do. It’s a day to reflect on. That’s part of the old Us. We cannot do these things any longer. None of them. Not the getting up late, not the going out for a half hour of fun. Not the smoking, not the wasting time… And definitely not that thing We know is much like avoiding the work. Sure, We did put some shit down, We put a lot of shit down. We was even amazed by the amount. Doesn’t happen all that often. Practically never…
So here We are, and that’s the thing… Don’t really forget yesterday, but do not linger on that shit too long. It happened, We did it, We let it happen, We went with the motions, and now We understand what’s good for us and what’s bad for Us. That’s like, one part of the events.
It’s weird. Ain’t it. How fast these things snowball. We get it though. We fucking get it. But in all honesty, like, We can fucking talk about it. We can own up to it. That’s crazy, ain’t it. We can own up to this shit and still be proud of who We are. That’s power. That’s some real shit. And having a pack lay there in one of Our containers and not smoke, now that’s that’s some real real power. You ain’t gonna find that shit anywhere else. You ain’t. Maybe once in a while. But it like, it goes against all they say, against all they do. It’s against every protocol. It’s like an alcoholic buying a bottle, meth addict buying a rock, cocaine craver having out two lines on a small mirror plate on his coffee table. It’s exactly like that.
This is enough for now, We’ll come back to this shit later. Gonna take a shit, get ready for that run. Don’t know the distance though. Probably 3.15 miles, that’ll do for now. Go a little further next weekend. Ramp it up slow. Got that twenty-four hour coming up, that shit’s gonna suck. Big time. We’re gonna make it, this time. That’s for sure, because We know we can. But it’s gonna take a lot, so much We can’t even imagine, so let’s start imagining…
16:51
Yeah, that’s sorta where We fuck up. Well, We keep allowing it to happen.
17:02
Fuck.
Fuuuuck…
We can’t keep living like this. This shit can’t keep going on. It’s like, We did change a lot already, and We got up and did something for ourself. Made a routine for ourself, and We’re hammering, and grinding and whatever. But there We are, and here We are. And it’s the same damn shit all over. And We just “wasted” another two hours, because We keep allowing that nap to expand into something that isn’t even a nap anymore. It’s like, We know, We damn well what it is. And now, now it’s up to Us to fix this shit. Workout wise We’re on schedule, a little fast actually. Because We’re doing the late hour on the job. So tomorrow’s gonna be a little later than today.
Should always write down those fucking hours. Sp We know, like exactly. But often times We only start one on the balcony, or after the morning workout, or in the shit house on the job. See. There’s even a routine to this. There’s always a routine.
But We gotta break this one, because it became a bad habit. It’s one of the last. It’s one of the worst actually. Because it’s costing Us all this time, this shit ain’t funny. We’re in this situation because We lack a lot of sleep during the week, well, with the job and all, and them all the workouts and running are wrecking Us pretty bad, and We’re getting better results when it comes to Our time frame, but it’s still not gonna work. Because then this is all We do. You know. So We gotta find Our way out, and to do that We’re gonna have to work a little harder.
Otherwise We’re just gonna stay here in this place, and We’re never gonna amount to shit. Never gonna be something, represent something, stand for something.
You know, that much has become clear, like, all of it, it’s all up to Us, whether We like that or not. That’s just what it is. Can’t change that shit. Just can’t. So, that means there’s a lot to do. And maybe, just maybe, if you start winning a couple times, just in life you know, those little level ups, some people might think about helping you out, but that’s only because they stand to gain something by doing that. Nobody, nobody’s gonna do shit for free. Well, there are instances and situation that require such actions, but that shit ain’t free either, that’s just a different form of payment such as exposure for example.
Well, let’s take a shit, start working out, see what We can do. All depends on how fast We get done with the workouts, and yeah, that’s usually a set time, so, fuck… We’ll see.
22:37
This is it ain’t it. For now. Forever maybe. The doubt, the lack of motivation, the sense of self dissipating, dissolving in the pond of time dragging the days of a normal life. Some say they’re satisfied, some say they are okay with this life. That nine to five, that house-garden-tree type of living. They say they’re fine with showing up for forty years to a job or maybe different jobs along the way. Don’t know if they’re telling the truth. Maybe someone else’s truth. But is it really their truth. Or is it something they’re programmed to say, don’t even know they’re doing it, and then at the end of the line… Well… Fuck…
It’s kinda weird. This shouldn’t be what We’re laying out, but it had to come out first, at least that’s what it seems like.
Fuck man, We’re farting again. Pretty bad… All the protein probably. Always the damn protein. Stomach, well, belly is gurgling, it’s always gurgling lately, like going completely crazy. Maybe We should have that shit checked out. Don’t fucking know. Don’t…
You know. Here We are, don’t even know if it’s a good idea, because We topped six hours, so now it’s definitely less than six. Maybe five’s enough, but will We get that. That’s the thing with all this. We usually don’t even get five. But five could definitely be enough.
That means We got an hour left. It also means We gotta focus on every possible solution that could exist. And, the funny thing, until We do something about it, like really do something about it, this is where We will stay. Yeah sure, We might repeat what We say often times, but it seems to be a necessity, as nothing has really changed. Sure We changed parts of Our life, killed off some nasty habits, got rid of some negative influence, and keep going at it, like, We really wanna push all that negative shit to the side and focus on what’s here.
And some people might view Our words, Our narrative, as something negative, but We’re just searching the soul, that’s all. And if that comes across as negative, well, We’re not where We wanna be, so that might be the damn reason. But We’re not blaming anyone else. That’s something We’re never gonna do again. Well, We might state facts, though We’ll never use them as an excuse for why We can’t have something or why We didn’t get something. Life is life, and life, well, Our life, that fucks you up big time. No mercy from that motherfucker.
The problem. Need to take a piss, but We’re doing this, so We don’t wanna but We really gotta go. Sp let’s go, and then We’ll finish up this damn thing and go to sleep. Or at least try. But We better do, because this weeks gonna be another one of those tough motherfuckers.
Gotta get after it though, because We ain’t got time. There’s no time left. The longer We wait, the longer We’re stuck in this bitch. Don’t wanna be stuck in this bitch. Not anymore. Hate it here, We really do, always did and always will. Maybe it’s those people, maybe it’s the fact that this ain’t going nowhere, maybe, just maybe, it’s that damn understanding, that sense of, being completely and utterly fucked up the asshole by a giant corporate conglomerate dick. Like, that could be it.
We always did feel like We should do more, or try to do more. Or… At least get somewhere with this life. Fuck, nobody told Us ot was this much bullshit. We kinda figured that by ourself, though what does a minor know, and before that coin drops, before the curtain falls, like that’s still some time, so We lost that time. And here We are now, still worried about a lot of shit. That ain’t never gonna change, probably… There’s no amount of money, and no amount of work.
Ah, fuck it. We did enough for today. There’s not much more We can do other than bullshit some more words into this note. There’s no point, tomorrow’s another day, maybe better, maybe worse, doesn’t fucking matter because it’s a day nonetheless, and, well, We’re gonna have to go through it and see what can be done. Busy day tomorrow, just means We gotta go a little faster.
August 24
05:13
Straight into the damn writing. Forgot that excel though. Gotta fix that later today. Can’t even remember if We really forgot that shit or not. Probably did though. Don’t know about the Garmin though, the app. Don’t know whether We’re gonna continue filling in those exercises and shit. Takes so much time. It really is annoying. And it’s not that We used to do that crap back in the day. We became fanatics ever since We got the watch. Sorta coming back from that shit though. Finally letting go again. We know what We did, right. And We made the excel for a reason. And it’s actually better, like, they don’t need to know, they don’t need to know what the fuck We’re doing. Not that it’s a secret, it’s just that they don’t need to know exactly what it is. Because one day this shit’s gonna pay off, like big time. Not in money, yeah maybe money, but in the physical sense and also its mental counterpart. This shit’s gonna pay off big time. No doubt…
Another Monday… Four forty sleep, that’s nice… Honestly, should be enough. It really should. You know why, because We keep fucking waking up all night long, so apparently We don’t need the sleep right. Why else would We be waking the fuck up all the time. Don’t fucking know don’t fucking care. Let’s just say it’s that, We don’t need that much sleep.
Back to the job though. Wonder what the fuck they gonna bitch about today, well the whole week. Some shit is fun to listen to, other shit not so much. Don’t really care for that gossipy bullshit. Though it always drags you in. It always does. But that shit ain’t good. We gotta reserve a lot of head space for this thing here. It needs that focus, unconscious and conscious at the same time. You know, figuring shit out. The fun thing… We can read that shit, where We’ve definitely talked about this before, right besides them and they wouldn’t even know, and that’s like the ultimate power behind that, because this is work, this has been created, and all they do is bitch, moan, and complain. Nah, We got something to show for… We got something in Our pocket. We got something in Our hands. And it’s not that We’re better. No, they could’ve done the same fucking thing, but they didn’t. And then it’s always shit like, yeah, back in my day, back then… All that reminiscent bullshit. Hey We’re okay with telling stories and going over past experiences. That’s great. But don’t make it your life. Why make that shit your life. That’s a little sad. Because it shows you’re not really living. Or never lived in the first place, so then what’s really true about what you tell right. Gotta make sure you’re always doing shit. You know, level up those experiences. Go from one stage onto the next and become efficient at this thing called life. That’s like, think that’s living 101. To just get better by doing shit. Because this thing ain’t simple, and if you do the simple shit, well, then you’ll always remain gaining the simple shit. Never the big win, the real cool story. Nah, that’s only for those who do the hard shit. Who chase discomfort…
06:54
Gotta get this thing going. That run, awesome. Fucking pushed it. Haven’t done that in a long time. Let’s get ot going. Go deeper and deeper into that mess. That mess that drags Us in anyway.
07:06
Funny, ain’t it. Never drank from the faucet. Yeah, now We’re gonna drink from that damn faucet. Fuck the machine, that filter. That smelly fucking thing. Yeah, just another reason to get the fuck out of here.
When you mention shit like this, they never take it seriously.
07:27
Gotta get used to time-stamping. Always put down the time if We went to do something else for a while and come back to this after a couple of minutes. Even a minute. If We turn from this thing and come back, a time-stamp should be placed before the first following line.
Doesn’t matter like this though. Not necessary here…
This was a simple thing. But We had to write it out, gotta write out more of this shit. All of this shit. Sorta get the rules going. Not really rules, just notions, just some guidelines. That’s more like it. We need guidelines. Not rules, because rules can be broken. Guidelines just sit there, and you can’t do shit about them. Can choose to ignore them, but then, yeah, if shit doesn’t work out, well, those were there for a reason and you chose to ignore them. Simple as that… Really simple.
So. Here We are. A place where We really don’t wanna be. And it’s not the job site, not the home, not the road back and forth. It’s none of that shit. Not the people, not the social standards, not the niceties. Not even the backstabbing they fill their hours with. Fuck all that shit. We don’t care. It’s a simple thing. We’re here, and We never wanted to be in this place. That’s all there is to it. And maybe not being in this place requires for Us to be in this exact place for a while now… Can’t escape that which you aren’t in. Can’t escape that which you can’t see.
Hey, it ain’t that bad… It’s never that bad, but that’s the whole reason, because you don’t realize until it’s too late. That’s how this thing works.
09:04
Here… Another. Don’t bother the mind with too much of that bullshit. You know, their bullshit
09:26
Well, We got Our own bullshit of course. Everybody’s got some bullshit. Doesn’t really matter. Some people won’t see your shit as bullshit, most people probably will. Kinda depends on the nature of your shit.
Get shit done. That’s like the main focus here. Get shit done. Read those worded versions and then walk a bit, and repeat. Just get that shit going…
Don’t really need to write that much here, well, right now that is. We’ve got those particular points throughout the day, you know, those exact moments where We get deep into this, try and put down a couple hundred words.
11:13
Back in this bitch. Gotta be in this mess all the time. That’s all that’s necessary. Should start writing shit down, and like, shit down about the job. About what We say and do. It’s important We keep track of this. Not so much into the finest details, but well, still some detail. You know.
11:24
Always bothered by the many flows of life aligning with Ours, you know, it’s that parallel bullshit. But then… every now and then, other flows drag those parallel to Ours away, and We are finally left with the most peaceful state of all. Silence. Or a form of, if We’d only be able to turn that damn radio off. Fuck the radio. Fuck the bullshit…
11:41
Funny, ain’t it. That shit. It’s just random, so fucking random, and it’s like, all the time, constantly, it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t fucking stop at all…
11:54
Guess it ain’t chow time just yet. Hungry as fuck though. But it’s like, We gotta do this thing first. That damn thing. Because others are too lazy. This some bullshit. Every chance they get, drop their shit on your pile. Don’t let it get you down though. There’s no reason to get down. Do the work, and stand proud. Because that’s what differentiates you from the pack. It might become so good that even those who used to outperform fall off…
12:15
Gotta get something down fast though… Can’t waste time…
12:23
It’s like, We try, We really do. But they show up, and then they show up, and We gotta put the phone down every now and then. Gotta get back to the reading too. It’s a sense. We keep doing this. We gotta keep doing this, whatever bullshit that flows from these fingers…
12:37
Chow time…
14:36
Yeah man. We’re gonna have to go through that shit multiple times. Once ain’t enough. Sick though. We actually did some shit. We actually did. Now We’re doing this again. Ain’t got much time left. But his shift’s over soon.
14:48
He’s gone now. Just those other idiots. But they seem to be leaving too. Guess We can take Our shit. Yeah, gotta take that shit.
Whatever this is all about. It’s one nasty road. But that’s okay. It’s all okay. A lot pf this shit will just be the same sort of deal all over again. Different place, different time, but same old shit. That’s just how it goes. Maybe it’s even a different situation, but it will definitely be the same old shit. That’s become quite clear the last couple years. Let’s say in these last five years. Yeah, it’s been a mess. Well, all years that is. The whole thirty. But it’s okay.
Maybe that’s a necessity, the early part of a life being shit, so that the latter part can become so great it’s beyond imagination. Right. That must be it, right… Like, We can tell ourself these things, create certain delusions and shit. But the real truth. Life’s good and bad, and that good and bad shifts on a daily basis, a weekly, a monthly, and a yearly basis. That’s it. It’s always shifting. One year’s good another bad, and the same goes for the weeks, the months, even the damn fucking minutes. Yeah, those damn fucking minutes, the ones where a rope doesn’t seem such a bad solution. Or leaking crimson, a hole in that brain, popped up stomach. Don’t know man, there’s so many ways to do that. But doing that, well, it’s just not gonna get you anywhere useful. You gotta earn that everlasting sleep. That’s that. And We do believe that… Yeah, We really do…
15:12
Fuck… Sometimes. Yeah… Sometimes… Crazy how it’s different every time. Right. But still, it’s the same old bullshit. Either now, or later, or that shit already happened. Fuck.
That shit’s real. But it’s sorta fun ain’ it. In certain ways it’s exactly what We need. Like, the ultimate test, those distractions, those extra steps, that extra stress, that extra, always that extra. Because now… Now We’re doing overtime.
15:20
Yeah, damn overtime. It’s all okay though.
15:41
Let’s get this thing on the road. Let’s close the “shop” and go home. This garbage garbage job. Yeah. Fuck this job, gotta make Our own job. That’s one thing. Grow an empire of words. Just words. Truth. Real truth. This shit’s raw as fuck, just like it’s supposed to be. Fuck. Nobody’s gonna do that shit. Nobody’s gonna wanna do that shit. Talk about it all, or at least most of it. Some things just don’t deserve mention, like, they’re not worth bringing up. It’s not about shame. Not about judgement… There’s nothing in these things, no value, no reason.
So, why mention, when there’s so much more to mention that holds sustenance.
17:14
Balcony…
That’s that good shit. It’s like a point in time throughout the day that provides a certain edge. Or at least to take that edge off. It’s still Monday, which means store, and yeah, that’s kinda fucked. Closes at eight, gotta go there at around seven. Its a quarter past five. Ain’t got much time you see. Gotta do this thing for a bit… Take a shit, start those workouts. That’s all you think, We thought the same, but it really comes down to minutes. Now that We quit the cigarettes, well, We seem to have a little more, but it ain’t that much.
Well. Here We are, and this is like the hardest part ever, but that could take a while, you know, maintain its resistance. That’s probably a probability. Don’t know. Don’t know much about life in general. Did live a little, but barely enough to tell you or Us anything. Can’t tell anyone shit, but nobody’s gonna tell Us shit either. Go ahead, like We care. There’s nothing to tell Us, just like there’s nothing to tell you, really… Isn’t it obvious. Life is life. But yours and Ours, well, that’s a whole different story.
Think that’s the only real thing that can be said to one another. Everything else is a bunch of bullshit wrapped in some Christmas print sold as an easter egg. Yeah, don’t know what that means either, but that’s what it is. Bullshit. And they’ll keep on selling us their bullshit, and we’ll keep buying their bullshit. Maybe one day We’ll sell some bullshit, and you’ll pay for Ours, or vice versa. You could sell Us your bullshit and We’ll pay for that. Life’s random in that regard. One day you’re on top, the next you’re down in the gutter nothing to your name other than a cardboard box and some blankets. And that’s a good life. Nothing wrong with that, but you gotta live it just the same as you would a millionaires life.
Most would never get that. They never will because they never lived it. Yeah, they never went out there in the cold nights and stayed outside with the trash and the forgotten. Those that fly high all day and all night. Yeah, there were some among the masses, some among the scum, they were out of this world all the time. Most still yearned for a fix. And a few avoided that, We did the same. Don’t involve yourself with those hardcore uppers and downers. Don’t. That shit’s stupid.
Honestly, smoke some weed if you want, drink some jack, or just a beer, don’t go too far too often though, keep it mellow, keep it slow… That’s a good way of life. Just enjoy it. You can, nothing wrong with that shit. We did say goodbye to all of it. Yeah, We fucking did. Finally can say that because We’re certain at this point. No more weed, no more alcohol.
Done with the shit. Gotta go workout. Too bad, wanted to write a little more… Guess We’ll get that down later then.
22:37
So… This is the most important thing. Probably. Well, in Our life. We know it doesn’t make much sense at this particular moment, or like, how it doesn’t make much sense overall up until this moment. That’s the whole thing right now. Because Our life isn’t making much sense either. We’re figuring out so much, about ourself, about this, about the workouts and the running. About life in general. We really are. And sometimes it’s just way too much. It’s still overwhelmingly too much for any notes right now. We’re trying to trim the edges and use those snippets left and right, because that’s like the peppering of the appetizer. And then We might go deeper and deeper as We figure it out ourself. Because that’s the whole thing. Don’t know how many people will ever do this, but We hope it’s been clear that We’re screaming from the top of Our lungs, “We don’t know what the fuck’s going on and We have no clue what the fuck We’re doing here.” And that’s like a real thing. We can admit, and We’re definitely not gonna tell anyone, anybody, what to do. You know, why would We, We don’t even know what the fuck We’re doing, or what We’re gonna do, or, where We wanna go. That’s so important and We still ain’t got it figured out. We’ve been building massive amounts of discipline though. Non-stop. Day in, day out. That’s why the notes became such a strong habit out of the blue. That’s why We quit smoking, bought a pack, smoked a few, just to get the taste you know. And now the pack’s lying there in the basket on the kitchen counter and We haven’t touched one. Not one, didn’t grab the pack, never looked at the pack again. It’s just there. Nobody’s home, We could sneak it and not a soul would know, not one soul… But We don’t, and why… First and foremost, for ourself. It’s not about proving We can, it’s about knowing We can. Second, We get shit to write about like this, and hope it inspires others. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Who cares. We tried.
That’s like the most important thing of all, that’s the trying, that relentless flurry of attempts. To keep it up, day in day out, hammering at the shit in front and molding that sculpture, craftsmanship, and when that statue’s finished, break it, and start over.
That’s how We roll now. That’s the only way We know now. There’s no other way for Us anymore. And We’re not saying it’s the mandatory way, that it’s the only way, We’re not saying any of that stuff. But We know that if We wanna look back on this life, We would wanna say, or at least be able to say that We tried with everything We got.
It’s crazy what We wrote in fourteen minutes. Not that much, but still it’s some crazy shit. That’s for sure.
Guess We’re gonna leave it at this. Tomorrow We get another chance to thicken the pages, well, the notes, and stack ’em. Stack ’em high. Gotta keep at it. And that which sucked once might become a lot better. It might. Not sure though.
August 25
05:14
Well, guess today’s gonna be wonderful. That belly is going all crazy. So much air it seems. Don’t know what it is. Might have to stop taking those casein shakes for a bit, see if that does the trick, because if it does then at least We know what it is. But that piss We took. That’s some crazy shit. Yeah. That piss We took when We woke up, well, that had to be a liter or even more. Not joking around. This shit was insane.
Otherwise feeling pretty decent. That’s for sure. Didn’t know We could feel this good on such a little amount of sleep. Later today will be different though. Guess not so much later, just like, close to noon, something like that. Probably will do the trick. Yeah, hope We don’t nod off too much you know. That shit’s annoying as fuck, but hey, what do you expect on three hours and three quarters. That’s like, not even half the sleep you supposedly need. But We should stop saying that shit because it ain’t what We need. We should get more, sure, because that would be less of a problem then, but We don’t need it. We can easily survive on a sleep deficit. Like, four to five hours is definitely enough. And if there’s these days where We only get up to four, not even make four, well, then that’s just something We must deal with.
The ears been acting up, there’s a load of phlegm behind that motherfucker and sometimes breathing becomes this nasal behind the ear type thing that’s truly maddening. Mainly because it doesn’t really go away at all, it just sticks and keeps happening with every out. Not so much the in’s. They ain’t bothering that much.
These are those things, some of the things, like the ear, that We thought would disappear if We quit smoking, but apparently that’s got nothing to do with this shit. Should’ve know though because from birth We’ve been a little messed up when it comes to these things.
Well. This was something different than usual. Don’t know if We like it. Don’t know if it’s any good. Really don’t wanna come off complaining and shit. That’s not Us at all. Might sound like it every now and then, but We’re totally not that person. Or at least, We try not to be. Because We know a whole bunch of motherfuckers that are and honestly, they look like little bitches. A lot like what We were back then, but not anymore. We’re not gonna complain about life. Just state what’s up and move on. That’s all.
Should get going though, gotta get ready don’t We.
A lot to do, a lot to do…
07:15
The work man. The work… It’s all about the work. Nothing but the work. So… Let’s turn to Our work.
8:01
Did that work, now this work. We gotta get this work.
08:55
Well, they like it though. They really do. Sometimes they do, when you do the right shit of course. Gotta do the right shit. Always try to do the right thing.
There’s nothing here but empty praise though. That’s all it ever is. But you see, it’s still praise. It’s weird ain’t it. We don’t prefer it but still get it down, still get it good.
09:16
Not a lot of time has passed. It’s practically the same fucking hour, sure, We’re on to the next, and on to the next thing. But from fifty-five to sixteen over… For eating with reading while forcing Our eyelids to stay open. This shit’s crazy. Really bat shit crazy…
10:00
On the dot. Fuck… Finally, some peace. Hopefully. Hopefully some peace. Damn. This shit ain’t normal. When We get the chance, get the time, We fall asleep
11:19
Every damn minute, every fucking second, every chance We get. That’s one thing. That’s everything. It gets you further down that line, down that path, and closer to where you wanna go. No doubt…
12:17
Well, it’s only an hour, but then again… Could start a new one each time.
12:20
So let’s start a new one. Should bump those numbers too, it’s like, make some long ones and make some short bursts.
It’s funny. Some dudes really are. They don’t give a shit… That’s what’s funny. And that’s perfect. Because these other guys, these serious fellas suck dick all day long. And it’s not that you can’t be serious about certain endeavors, certain dreams, certain pursuits… Hell, take it as seriously as you can. But don’t ever take this life too seriously. There’s just no reason, just no way for you to properly do that
13:31
Every time… This is the only way. Keep coming back. Even if it’s one sentence. Then that’s enough, because We came back. And next time We do, well, We’ll write two. And then three. And this grows and grows. We’ll get there, without a doubt…
This is not about balling, this ain’t about getting big, raking the fame, the clout. Fuck all that shit. The places We wanna go are far beyond these childish wishes and dreams. There’s so much more to life than getting these material things. Fuck materialism. And sure, got the phone, got the laptop, got everything… The shoes, the pants… Whatever.
13:46
Guess We gotta go deeper. Deepest We’ve ever been.
14:18
Gotta write, wanna write, but he ain’t givin’ Us that opportunity. Man, the guy can talk. Talk some shit. But We wanna write Our shit. We need to write Our shit. Got a lot of shit here. Need to get it out… But We can’t focus, can’t really lay it out. It’s nothing and everything, and that’s what makes it so hard. All that swirling, the pot’s filled with both doubt and certainty. Hope anyone out there can appreciate the sentiment, the notion of this thing that boggles Our mind. Stick in a cycle of guessing and knowing. But once We know We start guessing, and then We start guessing and all of a sudden We’re knowing again.
Weird shit. One day it will change, though We’re just gonna have to figure out where this leads, and what’s there to be done… It’s not just a simple let’s do this shit.
14:45
Fuck.
Four minutes just like that. That’s crazy. Opened this thing up on 45, now its 49. That’s some real shit. Do you know. Four minutes. Only a thousand four-hundred and forty minutes in a day.
Fuck. Fuck…
1440/4=360
That’s simple… So We got three-hundred-sixty / four minutes / in a day. And one of those just got wasted on stupid shit that could be referred to as small talk.
15:32
Fuck man. Unbothered writing. Didn’t know that We’d have to say that shit one day. Like, how the fuck, you know. How the fuck did We get to this point where We cant write shit because, you know, every fucking minute there’s someone speaking or vomiting, yeah, vomiting is a better choice. Like… Why man. Why do these people keep talking so much. Maybe it’s payback for all the talking We did back in the day. Don’t know. Don’t fucking care actually. Like, sure, We talked a lot. But most of the time, especially when young, We were asking questions. A bunch of them at the same time sure. And then it slowly turned into a monologue. And now it got to the point where We sometimes record ourself talking. But other than that, We don’t wanna talk that often. Because We’re thinking. Like, really thinking. Deep abyssal searches for meaning and reason. That’s what We could call that damn shit.
Fuck. Seem that shit’s stuck now. Kinda fucked… Don’t know, still got time. That dude fucked up Our routine. Fuck…
Well. Don’t matter, because We’re gonna take that shit, close up and run this bitch home. Workout, write and write and write. You know eat, clean the kitchen, that shit too, but in between everything We gotta be doing this.
17:21
Wrote some shit right. Good shit, bad shit… Who knows, who cares. Right now the only person is Us. Nobody else knows about this shit. For now. Gonna have to change that if We wish to continue down this path. Don’t even know if it’s useful… We really don’t. Could it help others, like, could it really sink into their bones and help them achieve this level, and then the next, and then the next. It’s, dedication, discipline, grit, vision… Man, it’s so much. And none of these words can describe whatever this is by themselves. We got into this running thing, ultras and shit. We’re working out every day, pull-ups, push-ups, navy-seals, even added a kettlebell workout.
Now We’re also doing this every day as if Our life depends on it. And around the same time We quit smoking. We already quit weed, quit alcohol… Fuck… We’re doing great actually.
And it did start with one thing. One simple idea, a perfect circle of notions. “What the fuck are We doing with this life We were given.” That’s like the most basic part of it all. Now it’s not that simple anymore…
Fuck, almost nodding. Gotta watch out man. Gotta watch out for those crashes. Funny thing… Didn’t really nap today, so yeah, let’s go hard boy…
Yeah, that sleep deficit. That’s the thing. Guess it’s wrecking Us, but that shit won’t last. We’ll win no doubt. It’s hard, sure. It really is. Damn man, can barely function at certain moments, it’s crazy. We keep falling into that pit. It’s beyond annoying. Don’t wanna give that shit control, at least the control it needs.
22:46
Don’t know, don’t know if We wanna keep listening to this shit, and do this shit at the same time. Should just stick to this thing. The podcasts are nice though. These things are really interesting. Though that’s just it. Like, don’t get lost in those motherfuckers. There’s so many of them, but they’re not gonna make you succeed. You will make you succeed. That’s, well, it should be a universal understanding. You will do you. Not in the sense that you do you. More so in a sense that you will only be the one that’s doing you, like nobody else is gonna care about your shit. Everyone’s got their own way. Everyone’s got their own path. All of Us do. Many just walk the easy life. Wanna say We did the same, though We never really did. Yeah, We walked a darker side of life. Still do, and that’s okay, but We must agree on one thing. We chose to do so, even though life sometimes forced it upon Us, We still chose tp go through with it. We decided that continuing was an option. Well, as a matter of fact, since the age of fourteen by the edge of the canal We decided that going onward through this “misery” was the only option. Because ending it, stepping outside wouldn’t amount to shit other than cease Our existence and therefore Our pain. But We came to realize that the pain was only momentarily. It was every day, it was all the time, but it wasn’t a constant. And it was either physical through the beatings, or mental through the belittling, degeneration, name-calling, and most of all, the exclusion. Everyone did cast Us out, in a way. We couldn’t exist, We shouldn’t exist. The way We were didn’t really fit. Not with their program at least. So We did change a bit, to lay low at a certain point, but then, when school was over and We went for a job, We took a one-eighty and did whatever the fuck We wanted. Not really, but sorta. We did. Now We’re here though. Stuck in a nine to five, paying high rent on a garbage apartment, in a garbage part of the city’s edge. It’s okay, but actually it is not. And the only person that’s to blame is Us, it really is. If We got more serious about this shit way earlier down the line, well, then We probably wouldn’t have been here. Never did care much. Always did day, that fateful day We do, well, that’s when shit’ll change. And shit did change… Big time. We really did make some good changes. And that’s also Us. So you see, it’s quite simple. Gotta accept you’re a piece of shit, and then start working on that shit. That’s the only way. It really is. Well, this doesn’t mean everyone. It’s just for those that let life run it’s course and get a little out of hand. But yeah, it’s great that We did this shit. Hope this doesn’t seem like some rant, Us complaining and shit. Nah, We’re really glad all this crap happened, because it did put Us here. So these cards are actually more interesting because they suck big time, but they might still win Us that hand leading to the next game. And that game’s only gonna get Us higher. Just gotta play this one correctly.
August 26
05:16
Don’t really get why this bullshit is circling Our mind. It’s taking up space. But it’s like, We don’t wanna do that shit any longer, so We should just stop. At all costs. Don’t talk ill of anyone, whomever they might be and however bad they treated you. But then again. Fuck everybody right. And not in a sense like fuck ’em. Just, it doesn’t matter what they think, say, or do… It’s not your life, and they’re not living yours. They ain’t, and they’re never gonna, mainly because they’re not gonna do this.
We really gotta figure this thing out. Don’t wanna end up like either of them, like any of them. They’re just full of shit. They’re always full of shit. We were the same way. Wanted to be special. Well, then be special, don’t talk special, don’t act special. Be special. Be the difference. Be that guy waking up early on four hours and thirty of sleep and crack a workout first thing in the morning. Then run to the job. Fuck. It’s only three and half kilometers, but if We wanna run more, We can run more. Gotta train a lot more. Gotta put more time into this shit. Run more miles, go heavier on the weighted exercises. Just, you know, get this thing going. Get this show on the road. Because that’s all that matters really. And that’s why We say fuck ’em. Not because We don’t like ’em, not because they’re full of shit. We are too, nah, because We ain’t got time for that shit any longer. All kidding aside, We really don’t. The thing is, before you can say anything, you gotta build that proof, and by the time you’ve built that shit, well, you won’t have to say shit. And you probably wouldn’t even want to do so… There’s no point after all, you know, talking about all that bullshit. There’s no sense… There’s no sustenance like they say. There’s nothing inside, empty words wasting precious time. All that mental space cluttered by some fucked up notions on external shit that won’t even be around for a thousand years. How menial. How simplistic. And we think we’re all that. A bunch of failed jokes we are. And so many of Us thing we’re special. Really is some bullshit. We’re not gonna think that any longer, or at least try to think that… Everyone can do this, the things We’re doing at the moment, the only difference is that there not willing to do them. Doesn’t matter if they want to do these things or not. We don’t wanna do them either. It’s all about willingness.
That’s some important shit. Willingness. The will, to live, to move on, to go down this road of uncertainty.
07:17
Gotta put this shit down. Ain’t gonna have the time. That time to put shit down. This guy’s gonna come back and start his never-ending rant on everything in his existence. Any possible thought that comes to mind…
08:16
Like We said… This is the first peaceful moment in an hour. The first moment to ourself. Can’t even turn off the damn radio because he’ll bitch about that shit when he gets back. It’s crazy ain’t it. How some people are, like how they behave. This shit ain’t normal. And We know, We ain’t normal either, but that’s the thing, We don’t pretend to be. We never pretended to be anything. We always played something. Yeah, even if that shit was delusional. Doesn’t fucking matter, does it. Because these people seem to live within the biggest delusion of them all. They still think they’re something, and not that sense of like, We’re the shit… Nah. The real sense of thinking you’re something, that shit where you can’t release yourself from that destructive part of the ego…
08:34
Back to that… Writing, reading, writing about the reading, reading about the writing. Hope We get a damn second here. Really need that room to breath, really need that space.
Don’t know if We’re gonna make Friday. Friday’s gonna be the hardest. Not physically, but mentally. Well…
10:09
Honestly. Don’t know why you keep doing that. There’s no talking with these people. Stubborn as fuck. Sure, We’re stubborn, nut not in a similar way. We just can’t take this shit too seriously. You know. They’ve been bitching about this salmonella outbreak around these parts. It’s in eggs. Supposedly, three-hundred, and something, people are sick with that shit. And they act like it’s a big deal. They act like it’s the end of the fucking world. But they really do. Because when We jokingly, and that jokingly is important, said that it’s just a couple of days diarrhea, and a little unwell. The guy We’re working with today freaked the fuck out. “Oh, no, gotta go to the hospital with that shit. My wife got it and had to go to the hospital…” That type of bullshit. Man, We really don’t care. Funny how they just don’t get it. Like, the way We talk, the way We act.
They was freaking on some other shit, putting babies in the trash and shit. Something was said on the damn radio.
11:43
Fuck. Not gonna get the chance to write… Damn weak ass. So fucking tired it’s crazy…
11:53
Well. That’s one piece of the puzzle. He just gave Us a free piece. Shit’s like lingering, not really slumbering, more so pressuring, within his mind. Knowing him, it’s self created, that idea. It forces him to move throughout the day without even once standing on those other thoughts, the real thoughts. Those deep down in the darkness. Because there’s always darkness.
14:03
Man, the amount of time in between notes. Really can’t get a second with this guy. Glad We’re back though. Just a little bit and he’s heading home. Done for the day. You know, just two more days. That’s it, just two more days. That’s all. Keep up the vibe. That inner vibe. We need that energy. Really need that energy. Can’t do shit without. Well, We sorta can. But that’s a different type of energy. Really need that universal knowledge.
15:17
Sometimes We write nasty shit, sometimes it’s weird fucking crap. Some of the times We don’t write shit. Sometimes We keep writing and don’t wanna quit.
15:28
You know. We really try. But to make sense We gotta find that place first, and to find that place We gotta go deep, and in some ways We can but to provide the full sense, well, deeper is necessary, and at this moment, Our current existence and what not, the way Our life’s unfolding and shit, but mostly the many disturbances that drag Us away from the letters and into some bullshit about events and actions that don’t matter one bit. They really drag Us. And now it’s up to Us, you know, find a way to weave Our path through these failed examples of lives unloved and never lived. That must be a reason why they’re so bitter. Don’t become that, maybe you were like this at a certain point, good thing you turned around. Good thing you went down a different direction.
16:02
Just a quicky. Gotta get this shit over with. Damn, fit this bit in a spit and split a skull. Can’t tell Us We’re dull like the hull of that titanic, We ain’t sinking, bye panic, swing in, or swing by
Ha, just kidding, sucks… Damn. Gotta go though, change clothes and get this show on the road. Easy. Broken, but that shit’s easy as fuck.
17:21
We should take a whole year to focus on training. You know, getting better, and then We should schedule longer weekends so We can put in some long runs that go beyond thirty-one miles. We do need to turn this thing into something, right. Ain’t doing this for the fun of it. Sorta do, but it’s not just that. There’s a deeper meaning that begs sharing. It’s whispering sensations and desires, like, the kind that torture you during the day and haunt you at night. The physical annihilation, and mental persecution. A constant. Tell some souls about this. Tell others. Talk about how it drowns the negative, the hatred, that despicable nature. But more so, eradicating that self-doubt. Well, We still have some, but some is good. Too much ain’t all too good though.
Well… Guess We’re getting there slowly. Surely but slowly. Don’t know about this. Will it ever amount to something, We don’t know. Should get a book or two up. You know, that would be nice. Like, this thing here, plus a book… Or two… And maybe some video content somewhere else. That would be nice, wouldn’t it. Or instead of video just audio. Though, the podcast thing will outplay Us at that game. Maybe not.
Don’t know what that shit’s all about though. This shit right here. Can’t gaze into the future, can’t prepare for what’s to come. Think that’s the only disadvantage here. Not knowing, because it is all random. Like, this shit’s random as fuck. But it’s funny in a way. Can you see how We stick to the same general topic and still write these separate things, from separate angles. And… Nobody’s never gonna see this type of thing, but there’s also something inside. It’s not a hidden message because that’s like, gay… Nah, it’s something that’s somehow never to be uncovered. Only by those that really get it, and they might not even be able to explain. Ah, it’s a weird thing, it ain’t even that special…
22:47
This time it’s gonna come up real fast, it’s gonna come up, and We gotta be ready. Like, it’s the only thing that truly matters. Fuck… And then We zone out and get to that place. Fuck that place. Fuck that dude, fuck those pieces of shit. We’re the biggest, sure. At least We can admit. That’s a fun thing, We really have that ability now, to admit that We’re a piece of shit. Yeah, We’re gonna fuck up your day and you’re gonna think to yourself what’s this guy talking about, the shit that comes out of his mouth. Like that kinda stuff and that kinda piece of shit.
But We gotta focus on other endeavors. Like, that twenty-four hour run coming up. That’s a big deal. And it’s only like two more weeks after this one. That’s it. That’s it… That’s fucking it. Just did a hundred kilometers, gotta go for a hundred miles now. Really gotta get it. Really gotta do it.
Don’t even know how this thing works. Is it the same kinda deal with the last one, or is it organized entirely different.
Fuck, keep zoning out, don’t know what’s wrong. Maybe We’re at the end, the limit you know, might be due to a lack of proper sleep, and well, this here ain’t helping the cause. Yeah. Guess We’re hurting. But We gotta sleep though. Funny thing… The moment We try, We can’t, so We just lay there and lay there and that’s it. Life just drifts on by when We could be doing this or something else, and We kinda get sick, mentally, deep in a dump about that notion. Because We can’t do shit about it. Ya gotta sleep, right. Gotta fucking sleep. So guess that’s what We’re gonna do. Because there’s not much left to say and not much left to explore. This did go great so maybe We can jump back into the running thing. Because that’s like Our top priority actually, and We’re sorta running away. Yeah We are. Well, We’re gonna do it… But We’re running away from what We can achieve if We do focus, if We do push.
But that’s the hard part, because We’re already broken. Maybe that’s the reason why We should push. It’s not like run a sub twenty hour hundred miler. Just get there as soon as possible, like pace yourself properly. Use good nutrition and spread it out, don’t bomb your stomach. Get it all though. Get all of it down… And stay focused. Look for strength in your weaknesses. Because there’s a lot of that for Us to unravel. Be more within compared to last time. That’s the most important thing probably. Like, dive deep, real deep. You’d say don’t think about that shit, but actually, that’s the fucking moment to think about that shit. To really get this going…
See ya tomorrow punk…
August 27
05:14
It’s a damn fucking Thursday… We love and hate those. It’s like the end of sequence, almost. Well, for Us it is. Every Thursday is the end of a week. And then, Friday We start all over with this bullshit. Should actually get a decent idea on how to abuse this mindset. The keep it going grindy mind. It could use some practice too, you know. That’s the thing most people don’t seem to get. It’s a form of practice… It’s not something you’re born with, it’s not something you get, it’s something you build.
It has always been that much. It has always been that thing which most people lack, that’s that patience to build. Because like any other structure it takes time… It always takes time. Guess that’s part of whatever is necessary. But it also creates a solid foundation of trust and confidence. Trust in the process, and confidence in the self. And that’s much more than anyone could ask for, better start begging. Because it ain’t free. These things come with a huge cost, to self, and to others. Others won’t really get it, self might slightly understand what’s going on. And that’s a logical reaction when one changes their life around. Shit’s bound to change if you really do change, but there’s an extent of change to which We have zero control or influence over. And that’s not a bad thing either. Gotta have some uncertainty.
Man, let’s write it down. Hate it when sometimes they’re right. But We hate this cringy shit even more…
“To those that fear death… Do wonder about fearing life, because if you don’t fear the uncertainty of life, then why at all fear the unknown of death.”
Yeah. Might be a powerful concept if you ever struggle with going somewhere, taking certain steps. Whatever… Just know it’s stupid to fear death because you don’t really fear life right now. Some people might, but those people honestly are a lost cause. Those that fear life, or at least the uncertainty of it, well, they just stupid. And not IQ kinda stupid. Nah, life-stupid. There’s nothing better than the unknown. It’s the most wonderful thing in the world. That sense of anything could happen, and something should happen, and fuck We didn’t know that thing would happen. Yeah…
Have a fucking blast in this life. If you don’t do it, nobody’s gonna do it for you. So then it would just be another life wasted. Don’t let that be your life. But you do decide what that means.
07:18
Fuck… Here We are. Here We sit. That broken desk chair leaning back, can’t go anywhere else. Gotta watch the scale. Stupid shit. Honestly, it ain’t all that bad. Don’t have to work that hard. It’s just a sense of exhaustion. A nasty feeling that returns every couple minutes. About every other quarter.
7:40
Won’t be able to do shit. This guy keeps talking, about nothing. Like, this shit keeps going and going. Wondering if he’s gonna shut the fuck up when he’s eating. Yeah, hope there’s some passage today. Keeps him busy and outside. Funny how We’re writing this whilst sitting practically next to him.
Let’s have some fun…
7:50
Finally, some room, some space. It’s hell. But We’ll make it. We can make it through the week. It is easy, it really is. Just ignore those senses. The hatred, the anger, the annoyance. It’s all fleeting. Everything’s fleeting if you think about it. It’s just a degree of time.
Always time… That’s the only thing fucking Us up. Yeah…
08:02
Fuck man. It’s like, why. Why even bother. There’s no reason. There just ain’t. And then it’s bitching and moaning and complaining, and We really couldn’t care less about that shit. And if something happens then it’s… Look, told you. Didn’t tell shit though, just fucked shit up even more…
08:21
Man, We’re not on the right track. Maybe We are. Don’t know. Never knew… Fuck what We know. This shit ain’t gonna get Us out. The only thing that’ll get Us somewhere else is a new mindset. Not new compared to this one. The one We’ve been growing these last two years is one part of the bigger machine. The bigger work. There’s always a bigger job. Not necessarily a better one, not so much more important.
08:49
Guess We can write this thing out, though it’s gonna take years, maybe. Hope it’s only months, weeks would be to short though. You know, gotta enjoy the struggle. Much like We enjoy fighting this sleep all the time.
09:18
Damn. Daaaaamnnn… Don’t know man. Don’t fucking know. Never knew. But this shit. Guess it’s payback, the price for all of Our years of bullshitting people. That must be it, right. A sorta payback… Guess We deserve it though. Yeah. There’s only one reason to fix that… Simple ways, just hard work. Not his type of hard work, and not the other guy’s type of hard work. They don’t even know what hard work is. They don’t know about this. They really don’t. Because they can’t…
Let’s read some. Come back to this thing later.
12:53
Damn man, ‘sbeen a minute… Always a minute, or fifty, maybe eighty. Damn shit’s annoying. Ain’t really got the time now… It’s that on and off bullshit. And then not long after he’ll pop up and then We’re back on the same thing. Trying to maintain a certain focus. Which is practically impossible with that guy yapping. Gonna find a way though, one day. It’s probably real easy. Probably some magic trick to either make him shut up or make sure We don’t get distracted by his bullshit.
13:15
Dude, like, the fact that We have a pack of smokes just lying there, in the basket on the kitchen counter. The power. That’s real power… A sense of control. Will We ever smoke one again. Maybe, who knows. Probably got a long life, or at least half a life, ahead of Us. That’s a long as time to not do something. And you know… Failure is part of the game. It always was, just didn’t realize that shit.
14:44
Fuck, ‘s’almost two hours later. Fucking later, like, that time just now. That shit just went out the window. It’s crazy…
Don’t really know what We wanna write about.
15:27
Always these people. People and their shit.
**
So he calls me up. It’s like, afternoon type shit… Low voice, sad expression, brinking on depression. Damn
“Got some shit, with ma sister, went to eat some meat and drink some wine with this guy and ma girlfriend. We were supposed to invite her too, kinda forgot.”
“That’s a little messed up but shit happens right…”
“Yeah, so I reposted this thing the guy put on insta, and well, she saw that shit and got hella mad. She called me up went all crazy, ranted for like 15 minutes straight, couldn’t say shit. Then she hung up.”
“That’s some crazy shit, kinda heavy…”
“Well, so tried calling her again, you know, to apologize and stuff, try and get her to go out to eat or something, she’s not picking up…”
“Well, she’s kinda freaking the fuck out. Maybe let her cool down for two more days or something… That’s like golden, then ask her if she wants to go do some shit, catch up…”
……
Then a whole conversation about the same thing practically. This shit man. Honestly. It’s like, why are they so upset, the both of them, because it bothers her that she didn’t get that invite. And it bothers him that he didn’t invite her. Well, instead of being idiots, beter put those heads together and have some fun, meaning, catch up, talk some, but also that stupid shit, get real relaxed on a philosophical level.
Don’t know if for Us it was that extensive extreme self reflective period We went through these last couple years that changed all of this shit. Really don’t. We don’t care no more. Not about those things at least. Still working on a whole lot of different shit. There’s so much man, didn’t even know. Like it’s that extreme, that grand, that major. It’s the reality of this thing, this thing We call life. Yeah, it fucks you up for sure, but the thing that really fucks you is that damn brain. It’s not the physical one, not the mental. It’s that thing inside, that thinker. The one that ponders. Circling clocks… That’s what it does. That’s what it needs. There’s nothing else to do, well, not for this motherfucker at least.
Trying to take a shit, but it ain’t really going great. It’s gonna happen though.
Yeah this shit’s getting deeper now. That’s what We like. Because, We know it’s true for everyone, that thinker. If it’s the case for Us then it must be for everyone else, but We know one thing with a certain degree of accuracy, well, when We see people, We can tell who knows that thing’s there, and who doesn’t of course. And We also know who can separate themselves from that shit and who doesn’t. That’s like the two major things within this madness.
And the first group, those that don’t know, well, they’re fucked, because their opinion isn’t worth shit. Honestly. And the second group, those that do know, well, they don’t know those opinions are based on experience.
The third party, the once that can’t separate, they’re a special group, because they know the ability exist but can’t find that thing. Mostly because they won’t go deep enough.
Then the fourth and last of the groups, well, they’re going places in the mind business. But doing it is something that requires much focus and a control that goes beyond most people capabilities. Shit can be learned though, mostly different for everyone… But in the same lines it can be said that this a soul-search. Sorta…
One way to get it real quick and real hard. Suffering. Chosen suffering as they call it. That shit will pop up to make you stop in less than a second. Confrontation and discomfort are enemies of the thinker. The one that’s always pondering for the easy road, the soft path, the quick fix. That shit’s bullshit. Can’t go there anymore. Never. Gotta get hard. Real hard.
Now it’s time to close shop and go home…
17:28
Damn. Had the craziest talk during that run. Would say don’t care what people thought, but honestly, don’t think anyone really noticed. They don’t. You know why. Nobody fucking cares. There’s no point for them to care. Why would they, they don’t stand to gain shit from paying attention to Us, they got their own shit to pay attention to, that’s really it. But, that’s also expectable, We shouldn’t be all stumped by this notion. If all you care about is your own shit, then what would another “version of you” really care about. “Your own shit” right. That’s like obvious.
It’s funny how to most minds this would be madness. To conceptualize the notion that this is a possibility. That what you are doing is of no interest nor any consequence to any other person.
We gotta remind ourself, at first, to focus on these things, look at them in certain ways. All these notions and ideas, these little sequences in life. Every chance We get, every second during the day, force that damn mind down that shit. Make it work. Gotta snap back as fast as possible, whenever We might venture into that realm of stupid possible dialogues We might have with anyone, about anything. Maybe the thing does work in Our favor, don’t know, but We can’t risk wasting time on that. Honestly. There’s so much that must be done, and here We are, using all Our capacity on shit that won’t even matter in fifty years, or even two months. Like, it doesn’t even matter right now or back when it was brought up for the first time.
It’s obvious, and still We fail. Though We’re learning. Day by day. Also through doing this shit, that’s one of the best schools in life. Action in the daily flow. To go in with some resistance. Friction, that’s what people hate the most… Friction. Yeah, and more is better. They have limits, coast those and you get them all riled up.
22:38
Well… Got some shit done still. Like, this was a good day. Hey, We’re back in it. Just gotta keep on it. Don’t give up, don’t worry about failure. Don’t stress on looking stupid or making wrong decisions, that’s what life’s all about. You know, making mistakes. It’s the biggest school of all. Learnt more from that one than We did from the actual schools We went to… Honestly. You need schooling, but school sucks. Actually it’s better to put it this way, you need teachings and school sucks at that. They don’t teach shit. They program a particular mindset.
Yeah…
This shit’s random right. We’re always talking about something. Maybe it’s like that big picture We’re building, but then We kinda feel like everything has to go on it. Don’t know though. But that’s the most honest way to do it. Keep it as simple as possible and just put everything out there. And maybe some growth becomes visible and it might lead to a certain flow of topics, and like, there’s this nature to it that could expand and circumvent every notion.
Now We’re nowhere near to provide something that’s sorta more coherent, We try to stay within lines on each topic. Do notice that when the nodding off occurs on the job these notes get kinda weird. Don’t know if We like it, but We do feel that some should be kept as originals. That weird shit, it’s strange but there’s something to it.
Don’t know how long We can keep this up though. We’ve been at it for months now when it comes to working out and shit, and the lack of sleep is starting to really take its toll. Like, major league annihilating Us. The way We feel sometimes, the way We nod off, the way We slump around. We try to get on that positive horse, but many of the minds surrounding Us are of a negative nature, so yeah, We’re always getting dragged into that shit. Yeah…
You know what… Try not to complain, try not to bitch. Just do what must be done, get on with life. And definitely try and forget about these people. Like, really get them out of your mind, these puppet masters. Fuck do they mean. They are nothing, literally. And not in a negative demeaning way. No, that’s what they really are. Nothing, all talk and no sustenance.
Like using that word, sustenance. Fuck. Yeah… They’ll just keep on talking, so make sure you’re always doing. All the time.
Funny… Create your own job. If you don’t wanna work this regular shit. Then create your own job. What kind of job. That’s up to you. Just figure it out and make it work. And do understand that this ain’t a nine to five. No time to sit on your ass. Get shit done punk
See you tomorrow… It’s the last day.