FOLDER 56 Section 50 28-3 August/September

August 28

05:16

Damn, so many things to say all of a sudden…

Sweating like a stuck pig. That’s for sure. Don’t really get why all of a sudden. Well, We did the workout, but We weren’t sweating like this yesterday. Crazy shit…

Fuck man, almost circle this shit. But honestly. That ain’t such a bad thing. We really did almost circle this bitch. We started with this shit around September last year. Wasn’t much back then. Now We’re pumping out notes left and right like it’s a damn orchestra. Fuck. Gotta get more, go deeper you know. It’s not that We don’t get enough, it’s just that there’s more to be found and more to be given. That’s obvious. But right now there’s too much bullshit interfering… Won’t go to deep in on that right now though. Maybe later.

Freaking Friday. New stretch to fill up. Gotta get it good, and try to get more on a Saturday and Sunday. That seems to be an area where We’re lacking. Though gotta admit, it’s a different habitual playground. Those days are strange in and of themselves.

Tired as fuck, feeling good though. The back’s a little messed up, but what isn’t for Us, We’ll always be fucked up, day in day out, that’s just how it’s supposed to be. The day that there’s nothing wrong anymore, that’s the day We’ve lost the path and should strive to get back immediately. This hurt is all We got. This pain is all We need. It’s beyond important. It’s next level. Every next level, every step of the way. And believe Us, there’s a lot of steps that still must be taken. The staircase seems endless…

Isn’t life the same thing. Isn’t life a staircase with doors leading to certain moments, but you always come back to that same staircase.

Don’t really know what that shit’s about. Don’t care. Gotta get someplace different, in the mind that is. Gotta kill the distractions, gotta focus on the real stuff, the raw stuff. The suffering… The twenty-four hours, that shit’s coming up. Soon. But that’s good. All beat up you know, all messed up. All fucked… Gotta get that mindset right. Gotta get that grind game on. Run those miles, you know, mile after mile. And don’t stop. Just don’t.

07:14

Let’s go hard today. Do shit. Always gotta do shit.

07:52

Well, he really did that shit. He was talking about the silence. So that really means he just can’t. Would he get it? What it does for some people, some people being Us.

Maybe We’re being a little too harsh, though We’ve really hit a place that was rock bottom. So yeah…

We’re getting a little fed up with this nodding off. Like, if We’re that tired, why the fuck can’t We go to sleep st night, well, faster, and better. Always faster and better. That’s the only shit that really matters. Gotta do more. A lot more. Would be stupid not to pursue those things. Why give up on that kid… Why would you do such a thing. Maybe that’s what got all these people so fucked up. They gave up on the kid inside.

09:50

Well, he really did that shit. He was talking about the silence. So that really means he just can’t. Would he get it? What it does for some people, some people being Us.

Maybe We’re being a little too harsh, though We’ve really hit a place that was rock bottom. So yeah…

11:21

Was going over those runs, crazy shit though…

11:27

Yeah. Guess it’s like this all the time. But then there’s bursts, and when We get in that groove, damn… That’s the move, trying to get Us in that groove, and We’ll start pushing words from this mind. Gotta keep pushing this thing. Pushing the envelope as they say.

11:47

That’s what they say, but are We really, can We push that envelope. Can We truly do something incredible and special… What’s special though. Whatever that might mean.

11:57

Gotta build this thing up. Build it up all the time. Hammer, screw, glue… Build it up, like that builder. We’ll fix it. It’s a hard thing though, to keep on it, on that fixing. Sometimes you just wanna be relaxing, right. Everyone’s gonna agree. But, there’s no room. There’s no fucking room. And in all honesty, We did that to ourself. If We only started sooner, if We only got serious about this shit way back right.

But then again, maybe this is exactly how this shit’s supposed to go, because it gave Us all these insights, all this ability for reflection and internal work. That’s a big thing. We can honestly look at ourself now, something We, much like other people, couldn’t really do at all.

12:34

Funny shit, ain’t it. All this. This life and whatnot. It keeps going. And you, you keep showing up to that job that’s making you sick, fucked in the mind. And then you go home to a place that’s full of shit you don’t really need… And there you sit, watching shit that’s not even changing your view on life, and you light a puff, crack a can, damn, heat a pipe. Doesn’t matter what the fuck you’re doing. But in order to get away from that gnawing sense, well, you first gotta realize just like We had to realize that this shit is something you do to yourself.

14:01

Why they be bullshitting this much, don’t fucking know. Never did understand.

14:59

Yeah, this that real shit though. Life. The life you’re living. Like, it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be, because it’s what you made. Every decision, every off-ramp, every intersection. Cruising. Always cruising. Nah, this time We’re turning the wheel, We’re after something. Turn off that GPS though.

It’s the fiftieth week. Damn, almost a year of this shit. Grew a lot though. But the funny thing, that’s only been the case for three or four months. Before that, not so much. Not a lot of shit…

Now it’s a whole different story. Strange…

Don’t know what it is We’re doing exactly. Something weird for sure. Guess it’s just that. Something weird. Does that mean it’s shit? Don’t fucking know. To Us probably never, to others maybe, maybe not. Really can’t tell… Don’t know what’s good or bad. What’s good or bad? What is it, you know, the defining factors.

15:14

Gotta tek’a shit tho

15:15

It’s looking good out there. But usually it does until We gotta go home. Then that rain stops falling from the sky and We are left with reflective remnants that fill up the irregularities in these streets, in this society.

15:34

Fuck man, this was pressure of a different kind. But that’s okay. We’re good now…

So, here We are, Friday. Let’s get this thing over with. Gotta start doing this shit. Gotta finish all of it by tomorrow. Or at least try to do so… And then get that blog thing up and running. Don’t have a clue though. Maybe should look that up. Like styling and whatnot. That type of shit. Everything else We’ll figure out along the way.

15:40

Eventually We’ll have to take that step… Like, get full on that shit. And you know… You know it’s hard, the hardest thing, because who knows, right. Everyone’s trying, or at least those trying. Others never believe. But that’s because they can’t perceive themselves doing it. Yeah, We’re gonna do this shit. We’re gonna do this shit for real.

The only reason We can say this right now is because We know, We know for a fact that We’ll not stop anymore. We just won’t. Because We don’t really care anymore, not about what they say, not what they think, definitely not what they think.

15:54

It’s like, We flip a minute or two, just to write down another time-stamp. Don’t really get why. But it’s like a breather…

Fucking Friday. Finally free from that one guy. Monday it’s the other bitch again.

17:38

Can’t say shit like that though. Don’t start calling people names. You know, don’t. That’s not good behavior. Though he is a bitch, ’cause he’s a snitch. A snitchy-backstabbing-people-pleaser. That’s some crazy combination. But there’s like more to him than even We understand at the moment. But it’s an interesting character to observe. Well, they both are. Hey, hope We’re the same, in that sense of being interesting. Not the same as them… Their behaviors, their mental patterns, their thought-to-action process. Like, that’s the worst. Not claiming We’re better than them. Never gonna claim to better than anybody. That’s just stupid. But they feel better than everybody. They really look down upon everyone.

Just quit out off the blue. Like, see We tried doing it. But the more We wrote the shit, the more We felt like hitting that backspace, and you know, get rid of this junk. Because that’s what it is. Big time… Big time junk. Honestly. Don’t fucking know how they do it. Look, We just can’t. It doesn’t sound right. At all… It’s not the correct way to do this. Don’t wanna write about other people and their shit. That’s not up to Us. We’re not here to decide for them. We’re here to create Our own path and busy ourself with the work necessary to make that road an everlasting stretch of pavement.

That’s the hardest thing in life. To create something yourself. That’s like the oldest thing too, because everything We know today has been created by someone. So who did create. Who the fuck. Because those people knew what the fuck was up. They understood something everybody else didn’t.

19:16

There’s a big difference between working hard and making a difference…

Always be conscious of making a difference!

August 29

00:51

Should’ve been on this motherfucker straight away. Got zoned out a bit. Tough week, rough day, all exhausted and spent. Still gonna do this thing. First, gotta get to that bed though.

00:58

This shit’s insane. Couple o’ things keep buggin’ Us. Mainly that We can’t seem to turn of this stupid monologue shit where We venture into possible dialogues that can be held about shit. But then We go rough on someone We know about some way they lack, come up short, whatever. But We don’t know if this is one of those things where We really try to help, or just you know, try to make ourself feel good. Because that’s just another possibility in this whole thing. Are We still that kinda piece-a shit. Probably. So We should use all We have to cease these thought patterns as soon as they show up. The only person We can control is Us, and that’s all that’s necessary. Nothing else is required, no manipulation, no guidance, no steering… They have to figure this shit out for themselves, but they probably won’t. But that’s okay. Guess it’s like that ninety-nine percent type thing. Don’t know if that’s true. Maybe it could become more since We’re living in this digital age and any person has access to the digital library of knowledgeable electronic pages.

It’s just, there’s this thing that follows… You know, where We feel the need to attack these people in a verbal way because We’re sick of their shit. But then again it’s not that they can help themselves. It’s like they’re stuck with this version of themselves and the only way to get out of that slump is by aggressive overload. They must be woken from a particular slumber that drags you down into this abyss where the…

Fuck. Really wanna write but We keep nodding off,

Fuuuuck.

Guess it’s time to sleep. You know, We can’t keep doing this thing here. This shit ain’t going nowhere. Every sentence gets interrupted by closing eyelids.

See ya later punk because this is a loss

12:04

So yeah. This is it. The damn shit happened again. Mad as fuck. It’s crazy. Because now We know, this ain’t some lazy snooze type mentality. So let’s start from the beginning.

During the week We usually get to a point where We start to nod off in random places. Like, all the time… And everywhere. Even on the toilet to give an example. It’s crazy.

It’s not just some nod off like, “ah, We’re a little tired,” nah man. This some heavy shit where We really drop into that abyss and then shoot back up because We might fall of Our chair. The many times We’ve dropped this phone due to the nodding, it’s insane. Sometimes We get this shock where We almost throw the damn thing into the ceiling. It’s crazy.

And then, of course, by the time We get to bed, or get to go to bed, well, We don’t feel like sleeping anymore. So we can’t and We get stuck in that same cycle.

But then that weekend shows up. Friday onto Saturday. That shit always kills.

So, went to sleep, supposedly, by 1:15 something like that. And we shot up at 11:20. About that. But then. If we trail back. Woke up in the middle, somewhere around four if We’re not mistaken, take a piss and whatnot. Had to drink a bit of water.

Then back to bed. Guess We saw seven, but only for a bit. After that it was 9:20 when We really woke up. That shit was nasty. And the thing with that, simple… We’ve got this alarm set for 10:16. That’s like an hour later. So yeah. We decided fuck it. As we always do, and that’s what could use some change probably, to flip around and wait for the alarm. Now, We remember alarms, but all We know is turning them off and everything going dark. Pitch black. And then a dream, and then 11:20. That’s all We can say.

So…

Gotta find a way to solve this shit. Don’t We. Because this thing here, and We’ve said it before, and We’re gonna keep saying this, like, this shit here. We just can’t keep living like this. That’s not… This ain’t what We want, at all. This ain’t even close to what We want. This some bullshit. This really is some bullshit. And We gotta start fixing this thing.

You know, We’re almost in that state of nodding, just got out of bed, just did. Got that workout in, just got out. Here We are again. Maybe We’re just really fucked up at the moment. Maybe We do need some rest. Maybe. Don’t fucking know. Should take it slow.

Might run without the weights because We’re supposed to taper first of all, and second, that Achilles tendon got all fucked up yesterday. The fact that We can feel the damn thing all the time doesn’t seem that promising to Us. But that shit’s made from steel though. So it’s tough to break. And even tougher to influence. It’s a hard cookie. And it’s true, We don’t like ’em soft.

Guess We’ll start with this shit. And come back later.

Take a shit, go for a run. Have some fun…

16:26

We always feel like shit. Complete dog shit. A puddle of mud. Like, We really fail every day single time. We just don’t seem to have that shit, the jump up energy when We wake from a nap. Can’t really seem to get that shit, it always disappears on Us. Don’t know how We’re gonna get it back though, because We’re always exhausted. Always at the end of Our wick. It doesn’t grow back. No matter the amount of sleep, no matter the amount of rest. That shit doesn’t seem to come back. So yeah, We’re always sorta on empty.

18:07

Well. Here We are. Six… Afternoon… Gonna start those workouts any minute now. First take a big ass shit though. Always gotta take that shit. It’s more a habit than a necessity. But sometimes, much like this time, well, it’s both.

It’s raining, though We kinda like the rain. Hate it too, you know, balcony’s all wet and slippery, that’s not great to do those Navy-seals on. But hey, doesn’t last that long, right. And if that rain doesn’t lean into the building, well, then there’s some dry patches. Not enough though, can tell already. One foot’s gonna be solid and sticky, the other one’s gonna go fluid and slide.

That’s how it’s gonna be. Used to hate it, would go and do those Navy’s inside, but now We don’t care. Just go a little slower and focus on control rather than intensity, which to Us leads sorta to the same point. You’re gonna be gassed out at the end. That’s for sure.

Yeah, that’s the plan. Get gassed out everyday. Is it healthy. Not sure, because We’ve been in a sleep deprived state for so long that We can’t go a day without nodding or napping, and every morning feels extremely shit, and often times Our body feels like it’s about to go limp. There’s a lot here, so much that’s actually disturbing, but We can’t care. This shit’s for science.

22:14

Straight into the work. That’s what We gotta do… All the time. The only day is Friday, well… Friday evening. That’s when We can slow down a little. Otherwise it’s the chopping block, and We gotta split that wood, build that fire. Build that damn fire into an inferno.

August 30

00:00

Fuck man. Seventeen thousand words. Last week’s count. That’s crazy.

00:42

Okay, so… Great job. Maybe. Not done yet. Do feel like there’s this thing, you know. Like, We’re focused on this bitch in a way. Fixated. It has become a constant, there’s this anger, this hatred for where We are now. We don’t detest the life We’re living… Nah, not really. Couldn’t resent the parts where We practically die. It’s those moments in between. The nine to five life, that shit, those moments. They suck, this part is so much bullshit on a stick, and not that kinda life, nah. It’s about the damn people you come across in that particular type of existence. It’s these damn people man. That’s all. Their incompetence when it comes to the self within, though they hate every other person for who they are and what they do. But actually it’s themselves they hate.

But that shit don’t really matter. Just had to make some room. Probably.

Yeah, We’re sorta getting there. Hopefully. Because if We don’t then this is never gonna work out. Yeah, it never will, if We don’t make this damn thing fit at least. It’s a certain puzzle piece. Not any jigsaw shit. Nah. Nothing like the sort. It’s more of a mental pattern, q thought process that snaps you away from that which holds you pinned, and gets you back on track and headed towards what must be unraveled. And surely, some thoughts are necessary and play an important role in both the escape and the living of this nine to five bullshit.

And one thought must be present at certain intervals, and that’s a simple one. Always remember that the possibility exists you may never escape this place, this way of life, and you’ll be forever stuck. That sounds bad, but that’s not what it is. The possibility exists, and it’s up to you to make sure that it never becomes a probability.

Never mistake this for anything else but what it is exactly.

You have the time, you possess that which is necessary to do this thing. But if you give your time to everything else first, then you’ll never make it. You never will. So it is time to look inward. Gaze into this thing We call ourself. This damn shattered mess…

Guess We got something going here. Still didn’t really put down what We were thinking about earlier. Didn’t forget what it was, just can’t figure out if all of that shit’s necessary. Might use bits and pieces though.

Because it is interesting how far We’ve come, and how much more serious We are compared to any amount of years before these last few months. And somehow, sometimes, We lose all care, all worry, and just create, build true madness with words. Reveal the true insanity that lies within. But this must become a habit, this must be Our only output.

Well, it’s not always gonna be at a hundred percent, because then it would never make any sense whatsoever. We try to maintain a certain balance between unknown and known, understood and misunderstood. Like, there’s a necessity in all of that. Exactly because that’s how all of this works. Think it’s easy for Us. We should kiss both hands, and actually the brain for the pleasure and gift of not going insane. But then We usually say, can’t become what you already are.

Pumping down words though. That’s crazy. Was of the mind that this would be and could be the case. Probably because We witnessed the fruits of Our labor. We read a couple, saw a couple of those word counts. Son, We’re on that shit like they don’t know. They’ll never do it this way. Nah, that ain’t gonna happen. And that’s why We need more. A lot more. Because the more We do this thing, the closer We will get to that insanity and the perfection of it’s production. Although nothing is ever perfect, We can keep on improving that shit until the day We die. And maybe then, fucking probably then, someone’ll take over and continue this madness.

Expected a higher word count, but hey, it is what it is. Keep digging, keep grinding, it’s time for bed, it’s time for rest. It’s time to fall into that abyss, that plane of madness, so that We can explore all these possibilities.

So let’s go. Get after this shit tomorrow. Again, and again, and again… We have to do it.

11:03

Damn Sunday…

We did get up earlier. Not exactly how We wanted it to be, though We did have a discussion of sorts, and also really felt how it was, the heft of it. How the body was tied to a rock and dragged to the ocean floor. Suffocating… Sorta. Not really though. But that inability to move, yeah. Gotta do something about it. Because We like this more and better than Our real job, hopefully, so We gotta be able to find a way, a drive, to catapult Us out of this soft environment and into the harsh world around Us. The one where We are faced with the reality of Our choices. That’s a tough bitch. Nobody wants to face that thing. They call it a demon, but it’s not. It is you. You’re the demon, the one that’s holding you back, instilling fear. All these things. For Us it’s simple. All the shit We did in these last two years, all the running, the working out. Quiting all that shit… Cigarettes, gaming, weed, porn. Didn’t even watch a ton of porn to begin with. Had to become an example of what’s possible.

Maybe that’s the whole thing, to be that example of shit being possible, the only thing We can say when it comes to that though, well, it ain’t fun and games. This shit’s serious. Like, this shit will bother you all the time. Because you wanna go back, and then another you wants to make sure you succeed, and then you wanna go back, because that’s easy, but then the other you relishes within the harshness of it all and how you manage to do that shit day in day out.

Said this before, but We’ll say it again. Have a pack on the kitchen counter, sixteen cigarettes still in it. It’s just laying there, always, and it’s gonna stay there. And We know it’s over there, We could easily grab one and smoke it. Even if it’s only one, and keep the rest. But nah… We think about it. We keep thinking about it, especially on days like this. It’s easy. We’re home, soon to be home alone, which is even worse. And the temptations will rise, and the mind will play tricks, it will find ways to justify. It will try everything to get you closer to the brink, and that brink is the edge where you snap and fail to stray from the old habit and uphold the new one. Always gotta uphold the new one. Keep the new habits. Because they are the growth. And some day the new one becomes an old one and then a newer one is necessary. That’s life. Always gotta find a way. Always gotta look for evolution, or the possibility thereof. It’s a simple thing. If the habit doesn’t fit the person you wanna be, then toss the habit and create a new one. The funny thing about habits, when you eradicate one you automatically create a new one. Easy, ain’t it…

Busy, always busy, and they just can’t leave Us be, you know being busy.

Can’t have a single moment of peace. Like, not one. It’s always this and that. And that’s starting to bug the shit out of Us. There’s always something they have to talk about, something they have to say, something they gotta make sure. Whatever. It’s fucking annoying. It really is. But can’t live completely alone, We get that. Well, maybe We could, but that’s not possible at this particular moment. Gotta make sure We make that possible. This might be the way. Maybe this is the path that leads to the road, which turns into the highway that gets Us there. Don’t fucking know. Guess We’ll have to pave that shit by ourself.

11:24

Funny how fast these things can go. And sure, six hundred words ain’t all that much. Especially in twenty minutes. But hey, it’s something. And that something becomes more and more every time We create another something. It’s easy. Just start. Is it bullshit, sure. Everything is bullshit. It really is. Doesn’t fucking matter what the fuck We’re talking about, writing about, listening to, or creating. It’s all bullshit. Everything is what it is and it doesn’t change what it is, or at least knowing or not knowing about it doesn’t change a thing. Life is just as life is, and that thing won’t change either. Might have a million epiphanies, doesn’t fucking matter. You’ll change the way you perceive life, and how you handle it’s little gifts and curses along the way. But life itself won’t change one bit. It’s up and down, and then up and down again. You know, gutter, penthouse, gutter again, and maybe penthouse again. Most people are stuck somewhere along the middle. Mostly because they never dare to venture into the gutter. But that place really shows you who you are. But they don’t, so life drags them up and down the middle, which to Us sounds even worse.

Fuck it, gotta go run. Like, right now, wasting too much time here.

15:41

This thing man. It’s pretty annoying. Don’t know what it is though. And it’s never particular to one thing. It’s always exactly that which is gonna bug Us out and ruin or interfere with whatever is being done at the moment. It always has to be present in order for Us not to be fully present and focused on the thing We’re trying to do. For example. We always go to the balcony, drink Our pre, take a shit, start Our workouts. That’s the plan. We also write, well, that’s what We’re doing now. But for some damn reason these last couple days, We always get this notion that We won’t make it. Back to the bathroom that is. That shit keeps pressuring. But it’s not like We can go do it come back, write some more, then get to work. Nah, it’s this exact sequence of events that’s important. It’s steps you know. So, then this thing has been occurring lately, and it happens a lot with a lot of different things, it’s as if We’re not allowed to do this thing. Or it’s as if We’re not allowed to relax, or hurry, or focus, or whatever. Don’t know. It has been this way Our entire life. But now, since We’ve gotten more serious in Our life, well, it sorta got worse. Probably some test We’ve gotta pass for some damned reason only the man in the sky knows about. Guess there’s a lot of tests We gotta pass. Hey… Seeing how this thing went, knowing what We were given, well, doesn’t look all too good for the future. But that’s just life. For Us at least… There’s not much to say, and not much to do. And We can sit and complain, all We want. But that’s not gonna change how fucked up this life has been, and how fucked up it might get. Thing is, there’s definitely people out there with worse. Always. There’s always someone who’s got it worse. And definitely someone who had it worse and did something great with his or her life. So if that’s like a thing. Then We just gotta keep at it. Keep grinding and find Our way. It’s hard but it’s possible, it’s always possible. That’s the whole point of this. Like, really allow the mind to accept that it’s possible. A lot has been possible up until this point, so why not everything. And this ain’t about flying. This ain’t about living forever. This is about the boundaries you can surpass as a human and as yourself. That last one’s the most important.

Had a good nap, little short, but it was a good one. Damn. Guess We’re gonna go hard on those workouts, always do, then that’s over with and We should get some other shit done, maybe this thing here. Finally go over this thing with some focus and figure out how We’re gonna use it. Guess We’ll see about that. Don’t force it though. Work on it but also let it come as it is. You can’t force these things.

19:11

This that shit though, ain’t it. Got some time in the bag now. Did some shit. Not really, but still. It’s like, get it going, get this shit going before the end of the year preferably. But the best date woul be somewhere like twentieth of September. That would be great, you know. Can’t forget about the driver’s license though. That’s like the twenty-ninth and then the ninth of October. That’s something to look forward to, isn’t it? If We get it this time We’re golden, yeah, then We are set. If We are set, We can go anywhere. That’s what it’s all about. Being able. Not necessarily doing it, just being able. Because you know, with all the training and shit, yeah, We can’t do much.

This shit’s insane though. Don’t know if it’s like possible, you know, keep doing this for years on end. Not gonna give up though. It’s just, these basics are so important to Us. The pulls, the pushes, the squats, and the running of course. Should be able to devote more time to this shit though. That’s why We gotta make a living for ourself and not work that nine to five. Because that shit’s taking so much time. But it’s good for now, to keep Us from really overdoing it. But as soon as We get put of this bullshit, well, We can sleep more, rest more, work more. Do all that shit a lot more… But We’re probably not ready for it, just not yet, you know. Gotta mature a little more.

21:17

Well. Tomorrow We start again. It’s over and over and over and over. But it’s okay. ‘S’part of the process, ain’ it. That’s like the main thing. It’s actually pretty cool, you know, in a way, how We keep at it, even though there’s no sign of any destination whatsoever, nor any success, nothing of the sort… There’s nothing actually. We’re just growing this thing, sorta, into what it’s supposed to become, or at least what We think it’s supposed to become. There’s nothing else We can do. And sure, We could eventually take the path of video content, that’s a possibility, but the writing is something We really like doing. We hate the writing that We’re doing, and then again We love it. Because We do learn a lot about ourself. It goes both ways. There’s so much this shit has thought Us in the last couple months, weeks, don’t really know. Time’s a little tricky. It always was and always will be… For Us. Don’t know how that shit goes for anyone else. Think most people stay stuck in the past. In themselves. Guess We are too, in a way. But it might be different. Think it’s different.

Not gonna go that route though. That shit sucks. We’re here now, talking about Us. Because Us needs a lot of work. Always gonna need a lot of work, because if We like stop the work then We go straight back to the punk We were before all this.

You know, honestly, We just got tired of life, or living that kinda life everyone else is living. It’s something that’s not demanding, it’s not exciting. And don’t tell Us shit like, “yeah, if you find the right job…” That bullshit. Nah. We went for that and got turned down royally for something We can’t even do shit about. We can’t. So here We are. Looking for the next thing. And damn We’re gonna do the next thing.

We wanted to head off, go some other country and like build a life, which would’ve worked out, you know. But honestly, We got family here, and We gotta take care of that family first. That’s what We gotta do. Because family is everything. And it’s weird that We say such things, because We barely got the time to see more than half of them. That’s like how it is. But that’s due to Our obsessive choices and the fact that We’re trying to get somewhere. So they should understand that now We’ll be gone, but once We get there, yeah, they can tag along. They really can. Real friends and good family. Everyone can tag along, but they must respect Our rules of life. Like, Our personal rules, they don’t apply to them necessarily, but it’s just for Us. We will do certain things, chase certain visions, and there’s no room for doubt or denial. Everything must be given when it comes to this.

That’s a big ass not actually. You know what’s funny, sorta, We are getting quicker, and more efficient at this thing. From Our perspective of course. Don’t know if anyone does this to begin with. It’s a sort of journal, but it’s a weird one. It’s just ideas. We slow the brain down and just word ideas, notions, into existence. Find words to play with, sentences to make. But most of all, keep it as simple as possible. No fancy shit, no special shit. Just plain talk, plain ideas. Just there, for everyone you know. So anyone could take something from this. And sure, there’s this hidden thing inside, but that’s like spread out across all this shit, and it’s only for a few retards to uncover. Not so much retards, just hyper focused motherfuckers who wanna devote their lives to figuring out what the deeper message in all of this really is. Because there is one, but that’s just Us playing a trick on them. Gotta make it fun for everyone. For the one that don’t really care about such things this shit will do, this shit is just perfect.

Won’t sell you shit, won’t give you shit, won’t tell you what to do. Just open honest reflection and madness, and a bit of ranting and complaining maybe. Don’t know. We don’t even know what this is truly. That’s the whole thing. It’s a mystery to Us just as much as it is a mystery to anybody else.

This is it for today, gotta start digging down the rabbit hole that reveals everything about that upcoming twenty-four hour run. Guess We’re gonna suffer a lot. So much.

August 31

06:14

You know, We get. We’re starting to get that shit. It’s this fear still. It’s always been this fear. And that’s what’s holding Us back, preventing Us from doing exactly that which is necessary. Pursuing that which should be Ours. It’s a hard thing, of course. But sometimes We do act like a little bitch ass punk when it comes to this. Sure, We might make mistakes, and certainly people will hate, despise, reject, whatever We create or bring forth… Sure, all of it is bullshit. There’s nothing in this world that isn’t. Doesn’t matter what it is, doesn’t… All of it is junk. But it’s praised junk and denounced junk. And some love, and some hate. With both cases it has a lot to do with the person themself. It’s that perspective, that world view… You either hate your life or you love it. But that’s not exactly true, that’s like the simplest version of an explanation. Because We still hate Our life, though We’re no longer jealous of anything anyone else is doing or achieving. We actually hope they achieve amazing feats. Gonna make it that much harder for Us to crawl Our way up there. But that also means We’re gonna have to get a lot better. And nothing else matters. Just growth, but not against external entities, just against the self. Just against who you were, who you are, and who you could become.

Who do you wanna be, how do you wanna live… That’s the biggest thing We’ve heard so far in this life. And it’s potent, because since We heard it, Our life’s been going through constant change. And once you get that fraction of the mind in your own hands and figure out how that piece of shit works against you, you can turn it around and make it work for you. That’s a powerful thing. We quit smoking just like that and it’s not even been that big of a deal, not even a problem. Sure, sometimes We think about it, but man, We’ve done that shit for sixteen years, what the actual fuck. And We were only a kid when We started. That’s crazy right. Like, that’s actually what makes it such madness. Because We don’t know anything different. And We didn’t just smoke one back then. Nah, We smoked every chance We got. Why? Don’t fucking know, never fucking knew. Doesn’t fucking matter, We did quit. Might still die of cancer, yeah, might still get that shit. Doesn’t matter either.

Guess this is it for now. Gonna come back no doubt. This shit’s becoming a habit, or more like, this shit’s already part of Our life now. That’s the power of that fraction We’re referring to, it’s a pressure on the notions that present themselves throughout the day. Or something similar to that.

Well, see ya, punk. Go get some…

07:27

On the job. Fuck the job, but We need the job. Because We have the rent, and We buy the food, and well, We need the clothes and the shoes and the whatever the fuck We need to get this shit going. But how long can We stick with the job. And like, how do We know when We finally reach that point where We can say fuck the job. That’s gonna take a while, right. Or maybe not. Maybe We’ll shoot off someday soon. Guess that’s possible, but don’t hope for it. Pray for it, but then also work for it, you know. Gotta work hard. This to Us is the work though. Well, it’s part of the work. It’s the first stage of the work. There’s a lot of work that’s gonna follow, and follow up too, which boggles the mind still.

This morning We really had that thought, like, sure, this thing is something We want, but the way it is now, it’s easy, that wage is there, everything is set, like We have to get up for the job, sure, but it’s not that bad, because We got this routine and We’re doing all these things. And it’s steady pay. If We really build something for Us, then how steady will that pay be, and you know We’re gonna have to work hard. Sure, from the comfort of Our home, that’s certain. Which does have it’s charm, but there’s no one, like, you’re all alone in this thing, it’s your investment in yourself. Sure, some people might tag along, but they’re never a hundred percent invested. They can go find someone else any second and leave you to rot and fade in your failures…

08:10

It’s everything and nothing. Man, it’s all. It’s like the only thing there is. The notions, they all lead to one point. Fuck this shit here. Because while We’re doing this, well, We can’t be doing anything else. Funny how We say this whilst writing down this mess. On the clock, but We don’t give a single fuck. Not one second. Just can’t. Can’t invest that energy in this damn nine to five. Because it’s just one more nine to five on the list. Gotta make sure We keep the job though, untill We make it out, if that’s ever a possibility. Don’t fucking know. Well… Run a hundred miles and you’ve got something to say, don’t you think. It’s true. Run a hundred miles. That’s gonna give Us some credibility. Probably. Don’t know how many people actually care.

But now you know, you know what’s gonna happen. All of it, because you did it before. You know the highs and lows. And this time, this time We gotta cool the highs and boost the lows, because that creates a certain stability in Our motions. It’s not so much about consistency, which often resembles a long term motion. This here’s a short term thing, and without that stability, well, you’ll gas out, injure something, whatever. It’s not a great approach, going all out, then holding back, then all out again. But this is a personal thing. For Us it ain’t a great approach. There was this guy in Our last twenty-four hour that went all out, then slept for a couple hours and then went all out again. Everyone goes at it their own way.

That’s actually the beauty of it all… And not just with running, with everything ever done. Any sport, any passion, any art, any science. Everyone, or at least anyone that amounted to shit or made a change in their field did that shit their own way.

That Australian potato farmer who invented a particular, and sure a peculiar, style of running. They were laughing at him, joking… Whatever, you know how it goes. And then he won and changed the world of ultra-running.

Just to give one example of the millions. And it’s not something that’s tied to the physical. Emotional and spiritual. Everything is possible…

See your ass, that idiot is back.

09:20

Don’t wanna create shit just to create shit though. Like, that’s stupid. It really is. That’s some Instagram-TikTok bullshit. Honestly, We get it. Those content creators. Sure thing… Making money with simple videos about some shit that don’t matter one bit. But it’s this public opinion and social interests that create those situations.

09:45

Hey good for them though. If you manage to live that life, good luck with those endeavors. Not for Us though… We need to create something real. Not just a reel. Which is hard if you ask Us. Maybe if We’ve done it enough it will become easy. Don’t know… Some things just never don’t.

09:54

Time is fleeting. Always remember that much. There’s not much to remember in the first place. But hey, gotta do what we try to do, and get closer to where We wanna go. It’s hard to go anywhere while being stuck in this nine-to-five. Who’s fault is it though. Yeah. Who’s to blame for this shit. Damn right…

11:31

‘s’A little fucked up… Always fucked up. Because We can’t really write with them here. It’s like, distraction after distraction. That shit’s insane. There’s never gonna be room. It’s a mental space, one We can’t really reach and maintain when others are around, especially when they’re talking, all that talking about nothing.

And now, you know, they’re gone, so, We’ll plunge into this pond of sentences. Straight into a song that’s great on the radio, and that nodding starts to show up real soon. Can already feel that drift occuring. Man We’re fucked. Real fucked. Not a damn joke this thing.

Well, here We are anyway. Going about this thing.

Gotta get that stupid shit out of Our mind. Fuck these other people, man… He probably not gonna do that shit forever, you know. He’s Our age. He’s been going for a while now. We just started, so that’s in his advantage. We’re gonna do this for the long one. The real one. Hey, can’t judge for him. He might do the same damn thing. Let’s see who lasts. But there’s this one thing. This one thing We’re gonna do eventually. Not even gonna write it down. But that thing is the biggest thing ever.

It’s gonna require so much. It’s gonna require everything. It’s always gonna require everything. All We’ve got. That’s for sure. But it’s okay… It’s perfect. Year after year, that’s how We’re gonna get this shit.

12:22

Get this shit in check. We can figure it out. There’s a lot of work still. A ton of work. We always forget how quick We got into all of this. It’s important to understand that We’ve gone from nothing all the way up to ultra in less than two years. Only going at it for a little over two years. This shit’s insane if you ask Us.

Fucking gotta get that shit stretched out. Like, everything. All of it. Maybe We should put that shit down here. Maybe… Don’t really know. Maybe record that bitch, don’t know. But We gotta figure it out fast. Because it’s a damn story to behold.

Chronicles of a Deadbeat Drug Addicted Punk

That’s not a bad thing.

14:00

1. Debt and Drugs

2. The Last Attempt: FFL

3. Rejection After Rejection

4. Bum Trail and Other Ventures

5. Back Home: Lonely but Never Alone

6. The Struggle: Forever Searching

7. Relapsing on Repeat

8. Some Sense: Turn Around and Again

9. Is It Purpose?

10. Still Stuck but Grinding…

14:08

Fuck…

It’s a great idea…

Can’t let that shit distract Us from what’s necessary. This here’s the first thing, this here’s what’s important. Beyond anything We can do. This here’s the closest thing to real therapy if there’s any for Us…

15:00

Fuck man. Don’t really know. Like, it’s a lot of work, and eventually, there’s this thing We gotta do. There’s no turning back now. Fuck, there really isn’t. And We’re not that good, We’re not that great. Not yet. So what can We give. What can We provide…

This’ a hard thing man. This really is. Because We’re not that far yet, We’re not even close to anything. But then again, We are, sorta. We can be. We really can be.

There’s this long road ahead of Us though. And it’s daunting. It’s gonna take everything. It’s gonna take Our soul. In return We will gain a demon, We will. But that’s something We already knew. This ain’t special. Fuck, it’s nothing. It is what it is. But it’s not what We wished for exactly… But that’s never the case, it might be, now and then, but most of the time it’s probably not, nothing like what anyone dreamt of, that’s not possible, then nothing would be special or worthy.

Fuck, if it was easy anyone would do it. Here We are doing the hardest shit ever. We came from nowhere, and now We’re in the scene already. Really… Like, this shit ain’t some weak five kilometers, some pussy ass ten kilometers. This some hard ass twenty-four hours. Not that We could run a five-K the way these pros do. Nah, We could train for that shit though. But We’ll never get to a thirteen minute five-K. Maybe We could, don’t know, not even gonna try. That ain’t Our thing. No, We’re after something else entirely different.

Yeah. This shit ain’t normal. And in the long run, with this pace, the overall intensity, frequency, and variety, well, We’re gonna gain something not many have gained. We’re certain of that. The body’s dead, it’s broken, and still, still We’re doing these things.

15:22

Saying all this though We don’t feel like bragging. We’re just saying it’s possible. Think that’s what many people get wrong when We talk about this shit, though it might be Us expressing the wrong things. Don’t know. Could be. Always try and keep it simple, you know.

15:27

Think it has a lot to do with sleep. Like, a lot. This shit ain’t a joke. Sleep’s important, and once We get that shit sorta back on track, well, that would be golden.

Nutrition pretty decent, volume is always high but We can manage. Sleep sucks so bad, rest is decent, but not that good. Should get something going nutrition wise maybe. Something decent, something that boosts it all. Don’t know… Don’t know shit…

That’s like the bulk of this, knowledge. And there’s this thing, you gotta ask the right people, because many won’t understand. Many won’t get what the fuck’s going on. Like, that consistency, that maniacal consistency. We gotta do this shit every day. Gotta do this damn shit every fucking day. That’s the point. The only “days off” are the ones where We ran a multi day event, so, from twenty-four or higher, and also those that go through the night. If We end up in the morning of a next day, then yeah, We did run for that day. Those push-ups and shit are postponed to the next day. From then We start building again. That’s the whole point. Until We can run a hundred miler and get straight into those workouts, like all of them and the whole volume, the day after running that shit. Well, that sounds pretty damn nice. Or maybe push it further and do workouts, go run a hundred miler, and then do some more workouts. That would be a giant fuck you to most, even within the athletic landscape.

One day We might get there, that level, you know. Maybe. Don’t hope for it though. Work at it. And all the bullshit that We’re feeling right now… It’s just some bullshit. It always is and always will be. There’s nothing else to say about things like this. Just that the bullshit’s real and We shouldn’t care about the opinion

15:51

Guess We’re in for a ride. A lot of pain, that’s certain, just a lot of pain. That’s all it is. The body is tired, the body is screaming, rest, relax, recovery. Fuck all that shit. There’s no use. There’s nothing. All We can do is continue, through the pain… Through it all… Whatever this shit might be, doesn’t fucking matter. Doesn’t.

Here it is. Here, right here. That place to make the decision, over and over. Either this, or We don’t. And if We don’t then it’s back to We can’t and We won’t, and then the drugs and then the problems, and the police, and whatever, the hatred, the outbursts. All the issues. You know. And if you don’t, well… Then you decide if this shit is for you or not. Don’t really care, because, you know, this shit’s for Us anyway.

16:02

Gonna hit it. Monday. Go hard. Not too hard of course, got that event coming up.

17:21

Yeah. This shit sucks. It ain’t enough. We do need more. We need to do better. We really need to do better. Just Us you know. It’s just Us. Like, there’s nothing else out there, nobody else neither. There’s nothing except Us. We’re the only motherfucker that might solve this shit, and We should solve this shit, We could solve this shit, so, We will solve this shit. It’s Our only option at a normal life. Well, a normal life by Our standards. We can’t live this regular thing. This nine to five bullshit.

Yeah, it’s some bullshit. Not saying it’s no good, and We’re never gonna say it’s worse than any other pursuit. But damn is that system full of shit. This stuff ain’t normal, alright. It really was about creating a workforce just efficient enough to run the damn machine but not make a machine of their own. And then some bastards break free because they got a couple gifts and work hard. Then you’ve got those dream invokers, the ones that keep the masses dreaming of better and more. And that’s not all. There’s people in places that really got there because they were necessary in those spots.

You know, often times, they let it happen, they let society run its course. And then, sure, they terminate. After a period of time, sometimes revolution ain’t such a bad thing. Sometimes it’s exactly what is needed to grow particular sides of society. Change rules, topple governments, alter regimes, force propaganda, influence masses… Doesn’t fucking matter what it is. But We don’t really believe in some sort of secret committee, or a group of people running this shit show. Nah. Think it’s more of a collective, and even they don’t know who’s part of it. It’s like, these guys do that, the other guys do this.

Big business here, big pharma there… Big… Big… Big… It’s definitely the conglomerates and such. But then again, it’s not like they know what they’re doing. They just seize every opportunity they get to gain a lot for themselves and leave nothing for the rest. That’s how business grows. Either swallow the competition whole or get swallowed by another player.

There’s no doubt about that. And sure, you could work together, but eventually, down the road somewhere there’s some backstabbing and whatnot, so better get it over with real quick.

Ah, this some bullshit, but hey, every now and then We gotta make some room for the real thing. Don’t know when that’s gonna spawn on the note, that’s gonna be something for later though because We really need to get on the workouts. That’s actually more important than anything else. Get this shit going you know, blood flowing.

17:38

Actually don’t like those notes, the prior one. Feels like We’re tryna complain about something and then blame that something or someone. It’s ridiculous…

We don’t wanna do that, We don’t wanna be like that. We just wanna continue this. And We must realize, there’s no one to blame anyway. It just is and it’s gonna remain.

17:46

Gotta start

Wanna say though.

This not is a short one and still it’s worth a lot more than the one before it. But We couldn’t have written this one without writing the other one. That’s how it works… Sorta…

22:56

So yeah…

Fuck the money, fuck the fame, fuck the glory… Fuck all that shit. It ain’t worth a thing. You’ll feel great, sure, for about a second or three. Gotta get that second or three though before you can understand. But you’ll feel great. And then it’s back to empty. Not for Us though. No, We found that thing inside, that beast, that savage. We keep this train going, even if there’s no track left, We’ll fucking roll it along the pavement. We don’t care. We’re going across concrete for a long time now, not gonna stop. We’re not gonna stop. Because We got somewhere to go. And that somewhere has everything to do with what We can offer. What is it We can offer… Still no clue as to what that really is. But something’s surfacing slowly. We could play the game, play their game, but that game’s full of bullshit. Nah, We gotta create Our own game. Yeah… Something brand new.

There’s a ton of people out there that lack experience, motivation, dedication, drive, whatever. But there’s also a group that’s deformed since birth, or got into an accident, or whatever. So, maybe We should play to that group, because We are deformed, We might never run a sub-three marathon because of that crooked back. Don’t wanna say it, but chances are high, it’s just too much. Well, We might just do it, but then it might also be Our last one. See…

We don’t really want that shit. But here We are, coasting that fine line between permanent immobilizing injury and just plain pressuring injuries. Because, honestly, to do this every day, in this particular body, well, you’ll need some injury to distract you from all that’s wrong to begin with. Not saying get injured on purpose. Nah, this ain’t purposeful, this is some shit that’s gonna happen if you stick to a full-body seven out of seven workout routine, add some runs, and swing a kettlebell. The workout routine consists of weighted bodyweight exercises. Simply put, the three majors, push, pull, and legs. And it contains, four separate workouts, one in the morning, twenty minutes, before the run or runs, and three in the evening consisting of forty minutes total. Then adding half an hour with the kettlebell, EMOM type deal. Then just some flys and lying overheads to get that chest open. And a twenty to thirty minute stretch. That’s a total of an hour and a half plus an average time of one hour on the runs. Not always the case, depends on de-load and event prep stages and whatnot. Oh right, currently those runs are weighted, though this is not recommended, We don’t do it the pussy way where you put on a vest, We use ankle weights. Which really fucks you up. Really does. Don’t try this at home disclaimer. Really.

Don’t like talking about these workouts and shit. That’s why We’re not giving any specifics. The thing is. We don’t feel like this is something anybody else should do. In Our mind it’s more of a notion thing. Do something, get up and do something. Find what works for you. Yeah. Figure it out. Think We started with all of this shit. We didn’t. We started small, adding and adding more. But the main part, the big focus. Consistency. Seven put of seven. And believe Us when We say, you’ll go to far a couple times. That line, the one you have to tread, that’s a fine one. It’s like a fishing line. Can barely see that shit once you’re in the pond. So be sure to take a couple steps back once in a while, reevaluate things. We’ve shifted workouts around, looked for the best that did fot Our schedule, things that could follow up easily to keep a certain rhythm while We were on it. You gotta make it work. Test. And you will fail but that’s a part of it. That’s actually important, because the body won’t be able to handle any of this in the beginning, so, those injuries and failures give you some time to adjust and get stronger. And you’ll learn to push through at a certain point, and then push beyond, and before you know it, a shin splint’s not gonna stop you from running a PR. Is that a smart idea, nah. But it will give you that extra knowledge come race day. When during the event you get fucked up here, or fucked up there, and everything is hurting. You know, you know what’s possible, what has to be done, and what can be ignored.

Guess We’re talking some sense. Hope so. Don’t know. For Us it’s been that simple, but it’s still hard. Harsh. Rough if you will, because mostly you’re just facing yourself. That’s what’s going on in all this shit. That’s also why We prefer the long events, the hundred kilometers, the twenty-four hours. That shit… You’ll come across yourself a couple of times in that frame. Definitely.

Ah, dude, We didn’t know. Nah, this some good shit. We’re gonna wrap it up because We’re at it for half an hour now, gotta go to bed. Really get some sleep, you know. That’s important too, We might not prioritize that shit all the time, but, you should. We just ain’t got the time, most of the time. Still do the work don’t We, so We can actually say that shit. We can. See your punk ass tomorrow.

Ah man, this shit’s weird. Probably doesn’t make any sense at all…

September 1

06:15

Did get a lot of notes yesterday. Don’t know if they’re all good ones though. Sometimes We produce junk to an other degree. That’s… Well, it’s necessary in a way because then We can produce those mental fuckers. The ones that boggle the mind. Sorta. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. That shit depends. It all depends.

It’s different for everyone. You know, life… The one We live, the one that lives around Us, the one lived by others. It’s always different, could be exactly the same thing, same day, same steps, but still, it would be different. That’s the gift of life. It’s how you perceive it. And We should aim to perceive this thing in a way where positive always trumps negative. However hard that may be… But it can’t be that hard, that’s something We’re quite certain of, in a way. Don’t know, but We have this feeling. This sense. There’s a way, you know. There’s always a way. We wanna ignore it, deny it, avoid it… Because down that path is a lot of disappointment, confrontation, discomfort, obstacles, whatever. And all We have to do is face them. That’s all. But facing them is a tough thing, that’s the one thing that’s equal to all. Face your fears, your demons as they say, and you will know pain, you will know true terror. Because along the way of facing these things you will come across yourself multiple times, and you will notice that much of the responsibility lies within your lap. Just never realized before so you never did shit with it. That’s part of the game though.

Well… Guess that’s how it is. You know, as children We don’t care and often times don’t have to. But as We get older there’s this “maturity” expected of Us. But through this We also learn to avoid the responsibilities bestowed upon Us. And then We actually forget what that is. How to take it. There’s a few who gain the ability to do so quite quick, well, they regain. Just as everybody else. We believe everybody loses that sense of responsibility once in their life. And then it’s about how quick you put yourself through that understanding of how important it actually is, before it’s too late and your life became something you don’t want it to be.

This is it for now. See your bitch ass later… On the job probably…

07:39

It might be that much better. It might not…

Gotta get out of this bitch. We’re losing it. All hope too. It’s becoming more and more potent, that hatred, that doubt, being lost in all this. More and more, the frequency is rising, which isn’t a good thing. It really isn’t. Because it drags that attention all over the place, and it induces a fear, a certain hopelessness. And if there’s something that ain’t good for all this shit, well, it’s that.

It’s a dangerous thing. Gets you panicking, flailing for everything that might get you out, but none of it really will, because you can’t focus and you can’t hone in on the work necessary. There’s a lot of work necessary… Nut nothing gets done really because it’s always looking for a way out instead of building that bridge to cross the river. Gotta cross the river first.

There’s this silence We need. A certain nothingness. And often times We can’t really get there because there’s just too many motherfuckers around that can’t really shut up about the stupid shit. You know… We talk, everybody talks, everyone yaps once in a while. But that constant noise to drown out the whispers in the mind, well, that shit’s annoying. Really annoying. We wanna hear that shit.

08:01

Don’t let it distract you. Just don’t. Stay on your game. Play your game, never theirs. They want you to lose at their game because they know they can’t even play yours.

Radio’s down now. Was still playing shit. Hate it. Distracting piece of junk.

Honestly, it does bother Us. Not really bother, more bug. Don’t get it, why he does these things. It’s not because he likes to work, it’s not because he’s better. Don’t know why he doesn’t take the machine. Take the damn machine and clean the place. Nah, he takes a garbage container and a litter picker and does a walk. And sure man, go ahead if it makes you feel any better. Though We know for a fact that none of his underlying issues, or whatever, got solved, even more repressed than before probably. Because all he did was make himself feel better. That’s not gonna help. Not in the slightest. Hey…

Really don’t wanna talk like this, write like this. It’s not Our style, but it is the truth. It’s always the truth, because We’re not invested in this. Not one bit. We don’t care. And soon, We’ll attach the sweeper and clean the place out for real. You know how it goes. Do We feel any better. Nah, not really. Hate that shit. But it will give Us a certain understanding of who We are as a person.

08:24

Yeah, this step shit. That’s annoying. Gonna get there though. It’s easy. Real easy. Step by step.

09:48

This is the life, actually. This here is everything. Nobody’s gonna do this. Not around these parts that is. Nobody’s gonna wanna do this. Which is only expectable. There’s no sense to any of this shit. Why do some people crawl up the boss-man’s ass so much. What’s up with that shit. Because We know, We know damn well what he’s doing right now. Wherever he is, We know damn well what he’s doing. Because We know what he’s like. It’s funny. How insecure someone can be, and how much they still have to prove after all these years of life. The funniest thing… By doing these things they only make it worse for themselves. They lose themselves in their own reality and become something they’re not.

10:39

‘s’About an hour later. Almost. God damn an hour can go by quick. Well, We was eating. Explains a lot, doesn’t it. Sorta. Like eating. Always love to stuff this stomach with a nice fresh meal.

Remember those times, all of them. An example… Well. There’s these calluses on Our hand, you know, pull-ups and shit. But these ain’t normal calluses, these came from everyday use. These are some mad layers.

And when We showed that shit to a colleague, another one started bitching about how he had the same back in the day…

That’s some bullshit, because that would mean he was doing the exact same workouts as Us, but he wasn’t. Apparently it was from working. Yeah, people and their shit. It’s funny…

11:40

Now it’s like an hour later.

Alone again… Well, lonely, not alone. Though We like it that way. We fucking adore the silences. It’s not complete silence. But that shit doesn’t exist around here. But it’s good shit when it comes to the perpetuality of notions. That expansion of mind. Go to that place where none can follow. Your place. It’s the most beautiful spot in the entire world. It is…

Fuck, the mind can drift ma man… Its endless capabilities to create things that don’t exist, it’s magnificent. There’s no end to the visions, to the dreams. A vast ocean of notions and ideas.

11:55

It’s beauty, it’s beyond, it’s exactly that which one needs. A silence, a whisper, and a drink, like tea or something else. Just relax and venture deep.

13:05

Well. Guess We can keep at it. Should read the previous ones now and then. So let’s go do that and come back to this bitch.

14:21

That’s the thing… And it just fell down into Our lap. Don’t let it go

Don’t trust anyone or anything,

Don’t talk. Don’t fucking talk. Show. Let your actions speak, not so much speak, more so reveal. It’s all about revealing then. But even with all this.

Can’t do shit other than walk the path.

15:19

Wasting all this damn time on some meaningless bullshit about others. Though We know, We remember now, the important stuff. What requires Our focus. Somehow it feels like We’re running from that shit, far away. Avoiding the real shit, avoiding what’s important. There’s only one thing…

15:25

It’s easy, even with music on, when We know what the fuck We’re talking about. Or writing at least. The running, the damn running. Not the running from, but We should stop the running from the running. Gotta get into that shit. Really feel it. Understand that We can run on all this shit, no matter what it is.

First We gotta finish a task on the job, then We’re back…

17:24

Balconey…

That’s that shit ain’t it. We put some shit down earlier. But honestly, don’t care. This is balcony time. This here is different from everything. It’s that moment of inner turmoil and peace. Yeah. Contradictory… Don’t give a shit. Really don’t. You either understand or you don’t. That’s it.

Gotta do those workouts. Fucking awesome and sucky at the same time. Then We’ll have a little bit of time left, hopefully. Probably not. Never… Then eat, then back to this, hope We can manage. Gotta figure a way to do more, a lot more once again. But there’s not much room. This is part of more though. We often tend to forget these types of things. Same goes with the workouts.

That’s a good reason for documenting everything… Like, get all the reps, sets, exercises, down. Look at what you’re doing in a day, write it down. At the end of the year, or a set date, compare. So, never compare with anybody else, just compare with your own statistics. And if you’ve grown those numbers or activities, or whatever, then you’ve succeeded at becoming better than your previous version. And if you keep this up, well… Guess everybody knows that answer.

Fuck it. You know, just fuck it. All that shit…

Gotta get this thing on the road. There’s something We should always focus on. Like a general thread, and everything else is just strands reaching for knowledge that’s applicable. Sorta…

That’s not exactly what this thing is about. Shouldn’t really be about knowledge or whatever. It’s more this look, an insight if you will. The ability to see, gaze, into certain things. We’re often interested in the psychology of this existence. But not the basic book stuff on why people do this or that. Nah, We’re after the real stuff, after the real reason why a person gets up and starts doing things that don’t make any sense whatsoever. It’s a strange thing, isn’t it. The amount of shit people do that actually doesn’t benefit them at all and still it’s the main reason behind their actions. They hope that in a way these things will benefit them most.

Hey, We’ve got some crazy shit just the same. But for Us it’s kinda different, because We usually do stuff if it means We can fuck with people, or fuck up their day, or whatever. Something in those lines of messing with other people. It’s fun. They’re so focused on their own ego, their own personality, and the reflection of what they are as a human, that they often do not possess the brain capacity to think simple shit. Not saying they’re stupid, just saying they waste a lot of that thinking power…

Gotta get some more down later, this one really sucks.

22:22

Gotta stop that. None of that shit matters, you don’t care, right, so don’t care.

Here’s what you should care about. This thing here. And that goes for everyone. Not this thing here of course. Your thing there. What’s your thing. This is Our thing. This here… It’s fun, it’s fancy, it’s magnificent. It’s magic. Look at this crap. It just keeps coming, and it doesn’t even make sense really, but still, still this shit fits together perfect. Strange right… It’s real strange. It’s beyond anything that’s know to Us. This goes beyond anything We’ve ever done. Maybe it’s because We’ve been doing this crap for so long and finally came to this piece of shit writing, but it’s honest. There’s no bullshit here. We’re not selling you shit, We ain’t. And We can say that proudly, because it will remain such. Maybe one day We’ll sell shit elsewhere, but then that shit will be obvious. That’s sorta what We’re all about. Making this obvious.

Go… Go get it. Whatever it is. Go and get. Just know you’ve got responsibilities. Don’t forget those, don’t leave those behind. The only way for you to get what you deserve is when you take your responsibilities with you. That much is certain. Can We prove it. Not really, but We know what avoiding responsibility got Us, and that was a heap of trouble. So the safest thing to do is turn that ship around. And that is what We’re doing, and We’ve been doing crazy shit ever since. We’re gonna do even more.

Just know one thing. It will take everything you’ve got. Here We are, halfway beneath the covers, window all the way open, breeze rolling along Our chest and still burning up. It’s not a fever. That’s just all the pent up energy from a day of movement. You’d think you’d be tired. Hell no, you can barely sleep. And that’s not all. We can feel these legs… Constantly. Completely, from the toes all the way up to the hips. We’re lying down. That’s why We say, it’s gonna take everything you’ve got. From the deepest part of your soul.

Got a lot to do. Don’t you have shit to do? Gotta figure out how though. Because you can’t do everything at once, gotta take it step by step. That’s the only way. We hate it of course. We really do. Because it takes a lot of time. Guess that’s the reason We never got anywhere. Impatience, the lack to withstand the test of time. That’s something We gotta respect, something We gotta appreciate now. We don’t have to be anywhere yet, not to start out with this thing. Because this thing’s really part of that test. This here’s what it’s all about. It’s simple ain’t it. Just keep hammering. Don’t know what’s gonna happen anyway. That’s just it. That’s all it is… All it ever was. Just didn’t really get that and how it worked back in the day. We wanted things to go fast. Not like a hyped up quick-fixer. Not that fast. But fast enough. We always thought We could get there faster. But that’s just not gonna happen. Especially with what We’re doing now. We did go a little to fast to begin with, or at least at a certain point, but We can take it. And with time, through time, We will get better, and stronger, and whatever. It’s just how it goes.

Probably fucked too, guess that’s also a part of the game. Always fucked. Shins are fucked, heels are fucked, tendons fucked, knees fucked, back’s fucked. Everything’s fucked, but does it really matter. Do know that ever since that stupid thing We did, cleaning out that filter, Our back’s been a mess. So, We’re gonna have to find a way. Relax wherever We can, but also move, because sitting’s stupid. Definitely…

Honestly, this shit ain’t no joke. You can do it, yeah you. Whoever. It’s up to you though. It really is. Whatever life threw your way, you can fix it and come out a more productive person. Don’t fall into the trap though. Don’t go too fast and too far right of the bat. We sorta did that and We’re still working Our way through some major injuries. But hey, We just can’t stop. Just can’t. Because that’s not how this story goes. This is a story of resilience. That’s all it is. So resilience it will be.

See you tomorrow punk, got get some shut-eye…

September 2

06:14

Getting closer again, aren’t We. This is that thing. This is that nature. It doesn’t make much sense, does it now. Doing shit you don’t wanna do, and then doing exactly that which is horrific and dismantling. It shows those true colors over and over. That humbling. That’s the part We like the most. Well, We also hate it, that’s for sure. But damn is it something beautiful. To be humbled by such a simple thing as running, and if you do that shit long enough, well, it gets real serious. It’s that pain. Everyone’s in extreme amounts of pain. Some just handle it better… But not necessarily. Some days you feel better than others. Don’t expect yourself to exceed those limits and boundaries of what is given. But you can give a lot more than you think you can. Definitely… That’s a truth without hesitation. It goes for everyone. Everyone can, doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, what you know, what you’ve got… We’re sorta an example of that. Doing all this with a crooked back, that shit ain’t easy, it ain’t fun, but We’re fucking doing it anyway.

Gonna run to the job with and East Pack on Our back filled with container containing food, and drinks and whatnot. This shit’s slamming into Our spine along the way, occasionally you know, but also crushing it, not that much but just that little that’s enough. It’s one of the worst conditions We can put ourself in… Sorta. Not really the worst, that would be the pack, some hail, a strong head wind, a fucked up knee and foot each on opposing sides, and maybe some diarrhea. That would be worse than doing twenty-four hours. Don’t need it this extreme though. The shit We’ve got now is bad enough as it is. And We’ll keep it going through the rough patches and the open fields all the same. A damned smile on Our face and a hatred beyond anything.

It’s a strange thing. Doing that which you don’t wanna do. We never… Well, We really never imagined this. Our life being this. Nah. We were that stoner, deadbeat punk, that waste of space, that guy with no interests whatsoever. Well, We had none, no future, no vision. Nothing. Really nothing. But here We are, something over two years later, and We’re rocking the boat in Our own way. Yeah, We’re gonna sink that ship and swim towards another. For sure. This ain’t over. This ain’t even begun. This is that start to finally start. That’s what this is. There’s nothing other than this…

See your punk ass later. It’s time to get going.

07:30

This is Our time, ain’t it. Guess that’s something We still gotta figure out. How to spend Our time… How to spend it properly. Because that shit’s important. Spend your time wisely is more like it. You know. You ain’t got a lot when it comes to time, that bitch running out quick. Yeah she is. And honestly, it’s frightening. If it doesn’t scare you, then there’s not that much hope for you. It has to scare you beyond anything that this world could provide. Time is the master of all, a judge, jury, and executioner. Well, mainly the last one, but those two before that just the same. Time does judge your response to it, whatever comes your way will force you to give back, and whatever you give back forces something to come your way. Judged. Time itself will hold you accountable, it will put you in this position where everything is equal and fair, because nobody is given the same deal, and especially not twice. There’s this sense that an audience is deciding where Our time will fade towards, and therefore We are… Tried.

And if time doesn’t agree with you any longer, or the allotted time has reached its end. Well. Executed. That much is clear. Sorta.

Should revisit and rebuild this entire notion any other time. Think We can turn it into something that holds a little more logic.

09:29

Ain’t got that shit down just yet. Need more, want more. The back’s all messed up. The back’s really messed up. It’s not done for, it will get better, without any doubt whatsoever. This here is Our power, to think what they aren’t.

9:35

Damn man, so fucking tired. It’s crazy. It really fucking is. Can’t fucking do this shit right now…

09:58

Extremely tired. Well. Not really, not tired… Just nodding off again. Always nodding off. That’s just how it is. Probably something that got all fucked up…

Don’t know though

10:04

It’s time. Well. We already know it’s time. Gotta take this a lot more seriously. This here could become bread and butter. All depends on what We do with it and how We grow this thing.

11:22

Gotta get this shit down though. Not on it really. Yeah, but We’re working, working hard. Working more…

12:29

Some days it just ain’t possible…

13:06

It’s a tough cookie. You know. Because We create a certain expectation and then try to uphold ourself to that standard. But this isn’t the way. The real way, the only way, the one way, is writing. Just plain simple writing. Or typing. Typing… Sure.

That’s what this thing ought to be…

13:13

That’s a time-stamp. Gotta get them down though, always down here, and down there. Gotta get this shit out there. Sorta. Or was it in here and shit there. Don’t know anything…

Gotta know more. About Us. That’s like, well, that’s everything, isn’t it. Gotta know everything about Us. It’s a search, isn’t it. Always looking…

14:11

Fucking hour passed Us. Kinda hate this, you know. We really do feel like writing, but there’s so many distractions, can’t even think straight, so how are we supposed to write crooked.

Here We are though. A moment of rest. Personal, individual… Lonely. Always… But never alone.

14:19

And that shit got disturbed. They always do this. Sure, couple’a trucks We can handle. Handing out those delivery notes, We can handle. Anything that has to do with the normal flow of operations.

Like We just did. Weighed the truck, got his papers ready, and he’s off… We don’t have any problem whatsoever with combining these things. But when they start talking about their bullshit… Well, We got bullshit just the same, and We spew that nonsense from time to time. It has to air, you know, ventilate. That shit’s important. Real important actually. Don’t if you do and you’ll find out. Gotta know though, the ways you ventilate. Big differences within those habits. One smokes, another drinks, one shouts, another whispers to themself.

Whatever it is you do, probably works magic.

14:49

Gotta get this thing right. You know. Get this thing on the road, don’t you think. This here, it’s like some sort of thought process, but then without the boring parts where We can’t resist thinking about pussy, or when We look back at a nice set of tits We saw some time ago. Those things are boring. Everyone can do that. But this other shit. This deep dive into the midst of madness evolving. That doesn’t happen all too often. Don’t get how Our brain can remain unburdened by these insanities. It’s strange, well, the strangest thing from Our perspective. Because you always heat about people going crazy when the ruminate on things too much. We haven’t done or known anything different. It’s always been like this…

This rumination. We actually adore doing it. It’s addictive though. Kinda create an internal existence, and if you don’t watch out then eventually you’ll be swallowed after the endless milling of ideas.

It’s a cogitation… A strange deepening of all these things. These daily things. Why someone said this. Why someone said that. It will not change Us, or the way We act. Nah. That’s not the point. To Us it’s a lot more interesting why they did what they did. Because that’s what separates everyone. The reasons behind their actions.

Gotta do some shit though. Guess We’ll write a little bit more, that tea’s still hot as fuck though.

Damn. There’s not a particular end to this. Well… We used to think that was an option. The only end is death. Ain’t got time for that though, not right now at least. Yeah, this shit’s only gonna get worse. Even if We manage to get out of this nine-to-five, them making money by ourself will be harder. Once the ship’s sailing and the dough rolls, well, then there’s room. But still, gotta work. Always gotta work. Physical, mental, spiritual. Doesn’t matter. The most important work is self-work. That’s also the harshest… Wouldn’t wanna do it if not for the obvious advantage it creates against life. Life ain’t got shit if you’ve done the self-work.

15:13

We can always make a new one. Don’t really care about anything else but this. Funny right. Don’t know…

There’s this endless hunger within, don’t really understand just yet how to utilize this thing. Well… We’re gonna figure this shit out nonetheless. But it will take its sweet time. Sweat time… Don’t know, maybe both.

15:41

Just a little bit, but We got a little bit of time to kill. Gotta hit that store later. Ah man. Every day now. It’s all We can think about. Gotta get out. Really gotta get out. But how does one get out really. Because this thing here, this shit ain’t gonna work. Nah man. We can’t keep doing this forever. We can keep doing a lot of shit forever. But this here ain’t part of that list.

It’s a mess though, one We’ve created. That’s for sure. We ourself did this. And the worst part, We did this to ourself. Why. Why would you go and do such a thing.

16:00

Fuck, didn’t even realize it was this late. Time’s freaky, ain’t it. Gotta go change. Like, right now, and maybe We can relax and chug that tea. Don’t know.

Running out of time in general. Gotta hurry this thing. Speed run this damn motherfucker. Really need to find a way, a path. That insanity ain’t working though. Not today, not yesterday, never. It’s a waste of time, that’s what it is. All of it. Not just one or two things. All of it is just a waste.

Let’s get going…

17:25

Time, what a joke. It’s early, then it’s late. Then you’re out of time, and then when you need that shit to hurry the fuck up, it goes slower than a sloth. Fuck. Kinda sick of this shit. Maybe it’s just Us, maybe We’re just bitching, but We strongly feel like We’re not alone. Come on, this shit crazy. We was early, home early, We even hurried the fuck up, sorta. Still, still, this shit still flew past and We didn’t even notice. We just didn’t.

It’s always like that, it never changes, whatever We do. If We don’t keep a close eye on this bitch then she gone before We know it. That’s just how this thing goes. But We can’t be looking at the damn clock Our entire life. That’s just stupid. We won’t gain shit from that. Not one thing. Nah…

We gotta move towards something, without focusing on time. Sure, We gotta go places, sure, We gotta figure stuff out. Damn, We still got that nine-to-five job. Yeah. Still live in a shitty apartment. Better than the last one though. So, We’re making headway. Slowly. By the time We’re sixty-five We’ll be halfway there. Sounds nice don’t it. We sure think it does. We sure think it sounds like a load of crap.

17:35

Man, We’re so fucking tired. Don’t really know why it always goes down when doing this. That nodding, that falling asleep. Maybe We’re just that boring, you know. Maybe. We’re fucking tired. Can’t let that stop Us though. Can’t let it slow Us down. Same goes for these damn injuries. Don’t let it drag into the pits of hell. Fuck pain, fuck the injuries, fuck the lack of sleep. Fuck it.

Gotta figure something out though, and real fast. Don’t know… Don’t know how long the body can pull this off, that’s the big question.

Being this tired… Nobody’s this tired. Remember being this tired only for a couple of days, except for the five months that passed so far, which happened when We were roaming those streets. Yeah. Then We would nod off.

Here We go again, almost dropping the phone and shit. Really have to fight with everything We’ve got and still, still it breaks Us. Gotta write shit though, and take a shit. Gotta do both…

22:46

It don’t matter man, listen to that shit all you want. Do, waste your time. Whatever. Don’t care, don’t go deeper, don’t do this, don’t do that. Whatever. But… Don’t come around complaining when another five to ten years have passed and your still on a nine-to-five bullshit job, wasting away among people that don’t even realize they’re wasting away. It’s a funny thing.

There’s so much We must do. But a lot of that shit’s stuff We don’t wanna do, that’s part of it though. It’s kinda weird. Like… How are We like this, how did We become this, or were We always like this. Like… Fuck. How does a person get to that point where life doesn’t matter. And then, well, you keep that same routine going, and most likely a sorta narrative that endorses the routine, and why… Like… Why…

It’s so weird. We’re slowly breaking free from that thing, that Negative Nelly shit. Gotta become that Positive Peter. That’s the only way. But, positive doesn’t necessarily mean smiling. It’s just a narrative where We take what’s within the moment and use it as a fuel to boost or maintain Our efforts or momentum. It’s that simple. It always has been. Just have to create the damn thing. Don’t We…

Look. Do whatever the fuck you want. We’re not gonna force you to do anything. Just know that there’s this path, it’s a tough one, full of adversity and opposition, it’s gonna fuck with you all the time. All the time. But at the end, or even halfway already, there’s this shift where skies will clear up and the forrest will gain more nutritious fruits… Well, it’s all gonna go your way, which will still be the hard way, though it will be your hard way.

That’s actually all We want. We wanna see how far We can push this damned cursed body, see how far We can take that motherfucker. But life ain’t a free ride, maybe for some but not for most… And honestly, you wouldn’t want that shit anyway. Don’t give you any sustenance. That leaves Us in this place though, and We must abide by the rules of this current existence until We can level up into a new one. That’s gonna be hard though, because honestly, We’ve done that a couple times now. Where We came from, and then fell back into, and then got out of again. Not many people do that. And it’s not so much the physical existence. Nah. It was that mental shit. The abyss had a hold of Us, We went too deep. Yeah, We went way down and there wasn’t any light left, so no way home.

But then We went to those streets, first the FFL of course, but eventually those streets, and that showed Us, it gave Us… A perspective. Sorta. It’s weird. People are not gonna get it. Well, regular folk. The normal Joe’s of the workforce. Well, most of those. Some might. Some saw similar shit throughout their days. Maybe gone through some shit. It’s not easy to tell them apart though, because often times they hide their true self as most people can’t really handle that shit. You know. Well, if you know.

Gotta find a way though, to really bring this shit. Like, get some narrative in here, get a particular sense within all these notes. Not necessarily a common subject, because, yeah, that’s boring anyway, and We’re more a many skills kinda guy. A little bit of this, little bit of that. Do believe that it being mostly psychological and philosophical is something that’s obvious. Well… It’s Our own brand of the two, and also these two subject molten and cast into the same mold. That’s sorta the big deal. But this ain’t that Nietzsche shit. Nah, this ain’t, Camus, Plato, Aurelius, Kant… None of them, this ain’t shit from anyone. Maybe some of it did get influenced by some of them because We did read some work of all of those. Maybe the most that lingers in these fingertips is Bukowski, more so a philosopher than any of the fucks We just named. Bukowski was the real deal. He did inspire this, sorta. Not really, but sorta. It’s where it all got started, and that was about four to five years ago. So yeah. We came a long way now. And this is what We got.

Is it any good, is it worth reading, does it read well, is ot written properly. All good questions if you want something fancy. The only thing that matters here, is it honest. That’s all. Is it honest. And not like honest in We cant make shit. Honest in what We write is with the best intentions. We’re not trying to sell anything, no program, no ten day step up your game bullshit, no morning routine. We’re never gonna tell anyone what to do, because that’s not how it works. Really. It’s not.

Ah… We’re sorta done for today. Gotta stop while you’re ahead. You know, before you fuck this shit up.

See you tomorrow, bitch ass…

Oh… Remember. All this shit, the pain, the tiredness. It’s all bullshit. Sleep now, and you’ll be good.

September 3

06:16

Well. Here We are again. Always that again. Well. It’s always gonna be again, no matter the life We live. It’s either gonna be this again. Or something else again. It might be better, but it’s still again, and again, and again. We’re not really made for that. Sorta. Because now We’re doing this thing, this “routine” again and again. Still doing it, still getting it in. Fucking hate it. Really hate it. We really hate the shit out of this junk. Can’t help repeating that… Again and again. Who the fuck wants to do this. There’s not many that do this to begin with, and then those that do something in similar respect, well, they probably hate that shit too, more often than they love it.

It’s a weird thing, is it not. You know, what some people tend to do, to themselves, in order to achieve certain ideals, particular outcomes, but most of all, that overwhelming sensation day in, day out. It’s not runner’s high. We barely get runners high. Nah, it’s that constant pain where the body is practically falling apart, and it can’t stay awake because it’s too tired to do anything. Can’t even breath properly because that requires just a little too much energy.

Don’t fucking know how long We can keep this up though. Don’t… It’s some sorta guesswork. Well, We’ll just have to keep going, whether We can or not. It’s not about any of the two. It’s about doing, it’s about We must. This is what We gotta do. This here, just this. The writing, the suffering, the pain, the hunger, the sleep deprivation. It’s all part of the game We’re playing.

We don’t wanna play the athlete game, We don’t wanna play fitness guru games, We don’t wanna play hybrid athlete games. We don’t want none of that, We don’t wanna have anything to do with that shit. That’s like the biggest bullshit on the block. But hey, do you, and let people do what they want. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t really matter what they do and what they earn, how many followers, and how liked they are. All that shit really doesn’t matter. It’s good for them… It really is. Yeah, it really is. But you’ll always have a boss, and within the world of influencers, well, that boss is your audience. If you don’t do what they like, in most cases, they’ll drop your ass and go look for someone who will.

Gotta go… It’s time. We’ll continue writing in the barracks when We get to the job.

Almost falling asleep already.

07:42

Yeah, well… That’s that. Ain’t it. That’s just that.

Can’t write much because it’s late already. Gotta shower fast. Don’t know why, but they always take it in such a way, it’s really strange. Don’t know how to express this thing. It’s weird

08:02

Already chow time. This shit. Yeah, the man’s got some issues. Hey, so do We.

08:06

Can’t really type shit out whilst eating. Shouldn’t even be doing that. We got this policy kinda thing where We don’t work on shit and eat at the same time.

08:42

Got this thing. We got this thing here. That’s all though. Guess it’s Our own fault. We made the mistake, you know, thinking shit would go smoothly. Silky smooth. Nah man. This shit’s hard, this shit’s beyond. You ain’t gonna live through it. You gotta make it live for you.

Fuck. This shit’s gonna suck. Big time. It’s gonna be fun in a way. It’s a lot of work, and a lot of set up. But that don’t matter. Just gotta do it. There’s only one way, this is that way. This is the only way.

9:15

Like they say kill or be killed. In here, it’s write or be written

09:55

Another one. And another one. And We keep making the other ones and keep ruminating on the same damn things. That’s how it’s supposed to go. There’s no other way. Nothing else to do.

10:00

It’s true. What else can We do. There’s nothing but this here. Maybe that’s due to Our own actions and inactions. But We can’t care about that, because it’s the past. We gotta look at the now and what We can do about Our situation.

Man, We could do a lot… But none of that shit is really new. It’s all mainstream bullshit. It really is. And that’s not how We live Our life.

Gotta live this life Our way…

10:10

This thing’s quite simple. If We can do this, everyday, day in, day out. If We can. Then everyone else could at least go half that every week. Take a day or two off. Don’t fucking matter. Nobody said you should do it everyday. That’s actually stupid, doing it every day. ‘s’Gonna get you mad. Mental. Days turn into insanity. Everything feels the same, walks the same, talks the same, job’s the same, everything is the same. It’s always the same. Always that one thing that won’t change. No matter how hard you try…

10:42

That’s that one thing. The one thing you can’t get rid off, that perpetuality. That neverending search. It’s always been a search, never a solution. Not one. Yeah. We gotta turn this into a solution, and cease the search.

But maybe, just maybe, We found a solution already.

Don’t know, never understood what this life has to offer. Maybe We don’t need to understand.

11:10

What’s up with this thing though… This forever hatred. This rage against the next generation. There’s always this rage against the upcoming generation.

11:49

But maybe, just maybe, We found a solution already.

Don’t know, never understood what this life has to offer. Maybe We don’t need to understand.

11:10

What’s up with this thing though… This forever hatred. This rage against the next generation. There’s always this rage against the upcoming generation.

12:24

This is that fun part. Where they don’t know what the fuck’s really going on. He’s in it now. He’s angry, left speechless, ruminating, it’s driving him crazy. It really is, We can tell. He can barely separate his thoughts. There’s no room…

Before We continue, We really don’t like doing this, We don’t, it’s just that there’s way too much information in these moments…

There just ain’t space left for him to think about anything else. It’s all on that. But he doesn’t even know, he doesn’t even know what it is…

12:36

It’s funny how his mood shifted so drastically. Simplistic chemical, those in his head. He feels a certain way, well, he feels a certain way. There’s nothing in that which can change. Even if one were to speak on it with him, that shit ain’t possible. He wouldn’t understand. He would never understand it is within his control.

12:50

To Us it’s a little sad that a fifty-one year old hasn’t figured this out by now, and probably never will…

13:02

How can a grown man be like this. It’s been about an hour, hour ten. That shit’s insane. The grudge, the rumination, all that, it’s still going on.

We don’t even care anymore, wanna start typing something else. Even start a new not. That’s how much We really care. We don’t…

13:08

Man, think about it. That shit. That stuff, it really don’t matter. It’s a waste of time. And you actually know.