August 14
01:21
Still considering this a Thursday. That said.
Let’s get it down. Tomorrow… Easy. It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna suck. We haven’t done anything like this in a while now. About three months. But We know exactly. We know what it is and what it does. We’ll never forget that anymore.
Let’s see if those ankle weights did do the trick, like, if it becomes easier to run these long distances. Don’t know so, this’ when and how We’ll figure out. It’s also back to that training mindset. That’s what We were lacking last time. Was that mindset of this is just another training day. Well… It sorta is, just another training day because this is only the beginning. And honestly, We’re too much in the head about it. The way We handled this shit before was a form of embracing. But now the embracing happens in a sort of negative way which is not helping Us at all. So We gotta figure out how to turn that thing around again. But We actually already did, or sorta got to that point where We have an idea of what’s necessary.
Yeah, it’s the necessity itself. How bad do you want it. There’s a point to prove, is there not. Like, it’s not anything you reflect to the outside world. In this moment they don’t really matter. It’s that point to be proven to those innards, to the soul, the spirit. There’s this thing inside. This monster that has to be fed, otherwise it will go rampant, you know, satisfy its vices. So We must feed it the madness it needs. That shit used to be video games, and weed, and porn, and whatever. But now, now it’s constant struggle, perpetual suffering. A pain that’s forever, a pain that’s omnipresent. Don’t even know if that’s a good word. Fuck…
We’re gonna wrap this up. Gotta get some z’s, at least three of them. But it’s that thing, you know. That notion of doing it, the doing itself. That’s what really gets Us. So maybe this time, We find a way to go deeper in on that. All will be revealed.
11:19
Guess We’re here. Today’s one more of those once more days. One of those days where We go to a start line and feel this overwhelming notion of “what the fuck are We doing here”. That typa shit. So We type this shit. So, maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s like the big thing. Maybe it’s the damn reason why We do it. You know, to get something on paper. To be able to put something down here.
Did the full morning workout, gonna go for a short run, just like a mile or something, but without those weights. And We’ll see what that says. But most important. Gotta fix that debate as soon as possible because We can’t really waste time.
So either do half the workouts with the vest, or do the full workouts without the vest. We’re opting for the first choice because that’s gonna save Us a bunch of time, which honestly is more important than anything else right now. And if We get down into the reality of this, We’re not even supposed to do the damn thing at all. Except for that morning workout. That’s like a golden standard. It’s what’s necessary. Without that shit, We won’t feel so good. So yeah, guess We’re gonna have to figure shit out along the way, because We also gotta hit that store. It’s almost 11:30, so We really gotta hurry the fuck up.
Just know, whatever happens today, run those 62.2 miles, this’ just another training session. It’s easy. It’s gonna take a couple hours sure. But that’s part of the game. In those hours, that’s where We’ll find this shit. All of this shit. It’s the necessary shit, the stuff We really need to get all fucked up, to get where We wanna go… It’s a good question whether We’ll really find that shit, but guess We just gotta keep on doing it until We do…
See ya later, maybe…
August 15
12:18
Well, this shit’s perfect. Just ran a 100k in some back alley dusty bullshit. All fucked up, and We’re stuck in the car because everyone forgot about the damn key.
Feeling good though. Not really, but that’s
18:49
It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. It was some bullshit, that’s for sure.
20:59
Hey, this shit’s important. Finally alone, hopefully for a long bit. Doesn’t mean We’re gonna be bashing the keyboard all night long. It’s just… We can work things out here.
Wasn’t Our best performance, wasn’t Our best run. We did get that 100k over with, that’s for sure. Gotta get better, do more. Go harder, you know. It’s like a mandatory thing somehow, in some ways.
It’s the only way. It’s the only way to do it.
So actually, We did run this shit a lot faster than We’ve done before. This has become obvious to Us by going over this shit. We could actually get better. A lot better. If We focus Our energy on the right things. Now’s a different story, We gotta decompress, both body and mind. So let’s go numb…
August 16
15:07
Guess it hurts. Doesn’t it. Always hurts. Never gonna stop hurting. Not anymore. Well, gotta keep going. Gotta keep this thing going. Keep getting better, you know. Always get better.
Find ways, keep grinding to find ways, coping, getting through, toughening, hardening, make this shit steel. Steel. That’s all We need. For it to resemble steel. It’s own form of steel…
Fucking hell…
Gotta get tougher, get harder, get better, get smarter, do more. Do more. Do fucking more…
18:08
So. Here We are. Slowly getting better. Or that’s what it seems like at least. Still feeling like shit in a certain way. Ain’t got that much proteins in the house, gotta go get some tomorrow. It’s gonna work out fine. Gotta start working out again. As soon as possible…
Well, tomorrow’s one day. And the day after that is another day, and We gotta take it day by day. Go Our own pace. Always go your own pace. And you’ll see. Eventually you’ll see. The truth behind your pace.
It’s a harsh reality though. To realize that the mind and spirit are still fresh and ready, that they are willing to go any length, any place, but the body’s so broken, was already from the start. That’s just a tough revelation to carry. The weight of that… It’s a true burden.
20:37
It’s like, here We are, stuck in this damn thing. Stuck in this swirl of growth. It’s circles and circles. It’s never a straight line. Well, that’s what it seems like. Could be different from an eagle’s perspective, but We can’t get there as long as We’re here. And We gotta stay here. Gotta dive deep, and deeper, and deeper. We gotta slowly build this thin up. Turn it into something right. Will it ever be something? That’s the biggest question of all, like, you never know, right. It’s always something, for everyone. But for some, for some it’s that much more.
Is it fair, nah, is it fun, nah… But it is what it is. Right…
Our back, that crooked motherfucker. It is what it is. And it’s all fucked up… It’s gonna stay fucked up forever. And that’s why We gotta do what We gotta do. Like, We must realize, some days this shit will really stop Us in Our tracks, and other days this shit will keep up and never even slow Us down. That’s for sure.
It’s a weird thing, right. It’s the necessity behind all this. There’s always the necessity. The importance of all this. There’s this place, this path. Whatever the fuck this is. It’s leading Us somewhere. And they keep talking but We must keep that focus… Always keep that focus…
This the only thing here. It’s always been the only thing. Like, this type of path, this road We traverse. That’s like the ultimate goal, is it not. And We can look at others, though never compare yourself to them. Just look at what’s possible and always aim for that level. Always aim for that destination. It’s not about surpassing them. It’s not about being better. Being better’s stupid. Who wants to be better than anybody else, only a loser cares about that. It’s about being better than you were yesterday. That corny shit. But it’s true. There’s nothing else. Just being better than you were yesterday. That’s the hardest thing one can do in life. Because being better than someone else is easy, just outperform them, but outperforming yourself every day, that’s a different story. That’s like the ultimate dream, because you’ll never succeed at doing such a thing. You might hit a couple days in a row, but one day will show up where you fall short in an area or two, and that’s the harsh truth. That’s simply what happens…
But picking yourself back up the next day seems more heroic, more hardcore, more courageous than anything else. Because getting beat down could easily keep you down if you let it. So don’t let that happen.
We got beat down, over and over, and over. And now again, again with the back, again with tha stupid crooked shit. But We made it, eventually. We did make it. And that’s what counts. But We could’ve done better, well, this time We did give it everything, in a way. At the end, yeah, at the end We went hard, We went fucking hard those last kilometers, you know, considering We could barely walk. We just started running, we just started fucking running. That’s that, it was like an 11 min/mile or something, but We started fucking running again. And We kept on running, had that little stop at the station, drank two cups of powerade and got back into that shit like straight up. It’s the best thing We ever did. Because now We understand, We really get it. There’s so much more to Us than We even thought possible.
Man, We don’t have a single day of rest, sure We only went a mile today, sure We only did a hundred push-ups and a hundred squats. It doesn’t fucking matter what We did, as long as We do something. That’s all that really matters.
And We did do something, We ran a fucking mile the day after We ran sixty-two. Yeah, We’ve done that shit before, sure. But We keep on doing it. And that’s the real part, the real reason, the real thing. To keep going at it, hammering away at this thing. It will eventually make Us so strong that nothing can beat Us any longer. Always stand erect. Always stand upright. Always able to go after that shit.
August 17
02:21
This that spot. The place We should avoid. We can do it one night. We can, but not every night. Gotta get somewhere with this… No. Because We really do. We can’t stay stuck in this thing forever. That’s gonna fuck Us up for real. Doing the things not so much. It’s staying in this type of shit that’ll eventually fuck Us up for real. You know. You know exactly what We’re talking about. Because We’re not gonna wanna do this forever.
That’s a certainty. And We’re not referring to the workouts and the running, and whatever. It’s just this damn fucking job, this stupid nine to five… That’s that shit. This ain’t the end of the line. At least not for Us. Don’t even get how people can have such strange ambitions. Like, how can you really have that look on life where the job is all you have and all you need. We really work together with these people, We call these men and women Our colleagues. Weird shit, right.
But the funny thing, the real thing about this, because We wanna avoid talking bad about anyone, it’s just this here. They will never get this part here. Where We’re doing this at 2:30 in the middle of the night. Not paid, not adorned, nothing but the hope that one day We could make something out of this and become better than We are today. Or become something better than We are today. We literally pay to go run a hundred kilometers. We pay to go run twenty-four hours. We do this shit day in day out. We do the weirdest things ever. But what it really comes down to is what’s being done. The expansion, like, that constant search for something that’s more. Something that’s better. Not necessarily the self, not the livelihood, not the knowledge. Not the strength, speed, stamina… Whatever. It’s not about those things. It’s about the spirit. The soul that is Us, because that’s all We really are, and to come back to those with a small mind, those We call colleagues… They would never understand, like, that they too are spirit, not body, soul, not mind. It’s the hardest thing to grasp, as even We still struggle on a daily basis. It’s like realizing that it’s all a joke, just a big fat joke, one you play on yourself. You know, believing you are something, playing you are here for a reason, and playing like really a play playing. Acting. Deluding your own perception to avoid accepting that awful truth about life. There’s no fucking reason. There’s none… That’s what’s so beautiful, because it means you can make your own damn reason and nobody can tell you if it’s right or wrong. That’s something, ain’t it. That’s like, everything. Truly the most beautiful thing in this existence.
We still in this bitch… Should get some z’s, because it’s almost 3 and We’re gonna have to do shit tomorrow.
Yeah, fucking dying over here…
11:41
Gonna get this thing as soon as possible…
See you in a couple of secs…
11:52
They’ll keep talking and talking and talking. We just gotta keep doing and doing and doing. That’s all We know, that’s all We can do.
Always those comparisons, always those similarities. There’s none, no such things here. There’s Us, and then there’s them. But them have advantages, and We have disadvantages. That’s the only similarity We know. The opposite…
This some weird shit right. But this ain’t Us complaining, We ain’t fucking complaining. Don’t take Us the wrong way. Nah. Take Us the right way. We ain’t fucking complaining about anything. We’re just stating truths and tryna work something out… Like how to deal with these truths. And most importantly, how to use them to Our advantage.
It’s gonna take a while, it’s gonna take way too long, We’re gonna hate it, We’re gonna hate this shit beyond anything. That’s part of the point, is it not? Like, that’s the whole point. That hatred for all of this. We don’t wanna do this. We don’t fucking wanna do this shit, who the fuck wants to do this shit, with a crooked back, with bad knees, fucked up shins, tight ankles, messy achilles tendons, whatever, you name it, we had it. Everything was fucked up at the start. Everything’s always gonna be that way, and that’s something they will never understand. They might have one, maybe two minor injuries, had it rest for a bit, you know, before they got here or there… Whatever… But for Us it ain’t that simple. It ain’t that easy. We gotta start with a bunch of major injuries in order to avoid feeling Our major issues from the start, and while We oil up those injuries and they slowly fade into the background, that’s usually when those issues start to surface as they get worse and worse over time.
Remember. Always remember. This isn’t Us complaining. Because if We were really complaining then We wouldn’t be doing that shit, let alone completing a hundred kilometers. Nah, if We were really complaining then We would’ve quit and blamed it on everybody and everything else. But We’re not like that anymore. Not at all. We just push through. Push through the pain, push through the problems.
Let’s go for a run, this shit ain’t bad enough as it is, not yet… Nah, never gonna get there…
18:02
It’s like, this is it. This is what We gotta do. And that’s how We’ll get that shit done. Gather more of these, like how We can create and build them. It’s like that. But it’s hard, harsh. Unforgiving. That’s a certainty. There’s nothing except for this. Once We let it go, well, that’s the danger, ain’t it. Once We let go of this thing We will definitely lose it. That’s how it works. And We can already feel it shrinking, that ability, that narrative, that string of notions.
It’s like, it’s right there, but We gotta keep it that way, it’s up to Us, it’s Our burden to bare, and it’s not that there’s no other way, it’s just that this thing, this exact thing requires this. It requires all this. There’s no other way. So We said that it’s not that, but it is. There’s no other path, no different options, there’s like nothing. Except for this. This is the only thing. Like, this is the one and only road down the abyss. To Us it definitely is… To others it might be something different. But there’s no discussion as to its nature. That endless maniacal suffering. To get up and know, not do, not think, not say, nothing, but to know that here We go again, into the pain, and through that madness all day long.
One day they might even consider it to be an art form of sorts, as many more follow down the path of most resistance. And We uncover how easy it actually is to thread that line of injury. Because there’s this fine line where one can maintain a certain performance. Where one can maintain a certain stride. But if one does not focus any source of training, of figuring out how to deal with this thing, then one could never go to such a point where it becomes clear… Like, how far really… How far can you really go. That’s the whole thing. It’s not about winning a race, maybe a race against yourself, sure. It’s not about beating someone else, maybe beating yourself. Sure. It’s about going the distance, but exactly that distance you never managed to go before.
To get better than your previous self, your past version, yesterday’s mess. That type of shit.
20:49
We’re at it again. Can’t let it go though. Just can’t. So that’s a good thing, ain’t it. Don’t know… It’s like, obsession, but obsession ain’t so bad. Wouldn’t categorize it as addiction, though addiction is something that’s not bad when it creates good.
Don’t know what the fuck We’re talking about actually. Fuck… It’s something at least. Don’t know where this shit can go.
There’s so many directions, all these paths, but it’s the one, just the one, there’s always been only one path. Hope We’re on the right one still. But honestly, it’s all the same path, just these many directions leading Us about, keeping shit in anticipation, you know, boil the blood, kill the hope, keep that head down, clouds that rumble… All that shit. Those that know, well, they fucking know.
It’s a mess. Guess We did it though. This is it for today. Gotta maybe get some of this stuff down tomorrow. Like go through a bunch and then get shit together.
August 18
00:31
This here’s what’s messed up. We used to enjoy it, We used to dive deep into it, and We still can, but back then We didn’t wake from that shit with a nasty sense, with that hatred for self. Now it’s different. Now We can’t really enjoy, because here We are, mad with the action We took, the decision We made. It’s a strange thing. Because back then, even less than a couple years ago, We would sink Our toe and before We know the whole leg was under, and not long after We were practically drowning. Now We can’t even play more than an hour before the mind goes all haywire and pushes Us towards this thing. And many things before this, but now. Well, now it’s this damn thing.
We can’t stop it, which might actually be a good thing. Gotta turn this into something right. That’s all that matters. So We tried avoiding that, but it’s not possible, because We seem to turn over to this thing without hesitation, without even so much as a shred of doubt. So this might just be it. This thing that We’re doing here, well, seems like it, because We like doing it. It’s like honest and straight forward… Something We’ve only been recently in Our entire life. Only these last few years We’ve gotten so much better at it. But before that, well, it was a load of crap. Well, fuck those people back then too, because they too were full of shit. And they probably still are. Same goes for Us, although We’re selling Our crap as shit, not as a solution, or the magic trick. We know what Our stuff is worth. It’s not much, but it’s worth a light at the least.
That’s why We gotta do this thing. That’s the one thing which could get Us out of this mess. Because We do not belong in it, We did get ourself stuck in it, but We shouldn’t have wound up in this shit in the first place, don’t really know how We let that happen, but then again, might be a good thing We did, or We wouldn’t be this. We wouldn’t be this type of crazy… This kind of insane, this kind of mad, like, this obsession… This never fading obsession for something that’s undescribable, inexplicable. It’s a sense, and a sensation, it’s not an emotion though you can feel it. A form of knowledge without wisdom. It’s plain yet complex beyond imagination. It’s the ultimate obstacle granting the supreme answer. Not meaning, not sense, not reason. Not a why, not a what, not a when. It’s the gift of revelation, of true sight. To undergo that understanding. To truly see what this life is. And every step We take in that direction is a revelation of its own.
Yeah, these words make no sense, they never do. We’re not trying to make sense, We’re just writing the path that’s treaded. Don’t know if it’s true, the truth, don’t know if it’s everything We think or say it is. We don’t know shit about it, and honestly We don’t know shit to begin with. Never did and never will. That’s just a sliver of the truth, and We do feel that goes for everybody. Like, We really started down that path, a place where We can see everyone as equal. Men and women across this globe always feel that need to be better, to be perceived as better. That’s more like it. To be perceived as better, not necessarily being better. There’s a big difference. And that’s a fun concept. Because to be perceived is often times based on delusion and illusion. It is played. It’s whatever… See. There’s nothing there. And everything’s there. It’s all. Because all includes nothing. They will never understand such things, and here We refer to most of those that surround Us at this particular time. Not this exact moment, but Our flow of life. The ones We work with, the ones We meet, the ones We talk to, Our friends, Our family. Whatever… It’s a strange thing. Because We don’t see it the way they do, not anymore, and We never will. It’s like Neo and the matrix. It’s all green code, it’s all unraveling.
This ain’t Us claiming enlightenment, if such a thing even existed. This ain’t Us claiming clairvoyance, because that would be some hocus pocus bullshit. It’s not even Us claiming knowledge nor understanding. It’s Us saying that there’s a different way, a different route, and We took it, probably so many years ago without even knowing really. But then, not so long ago We came across ourself. We came across this thing, this monster, this piece of shit. Like, what is it really. What is it that drives Us, and back then it was a source of hatred, an external one, now it’s a similar source, but it’s almost a hundred percent internal.
Hey gotta go though bro, this shit’s long enough, no… It’s time for bed. Time to get some z’s, and get good.
13:09
So, here We are, pretty late. Fucking hate it. Nut We didn’t set an alarm. We need that sleep now, We really do. But We still don’t get it. Not really.
Maybe fixing up that room could help… A little bit. But something’s off, way off, like We don’t even know what it could be. The sweating, that’s that indicator. We’re always sweating Our ass off when sleeping, and it’s not even that hot anymore, it’s like decent now, not the type of weather to be sweating your ass off in.
Fuck it. Don’t talk shit into existence though.
The workouts will be weighted from the start, well, We got that going again yesterday. Although it’s just half of what We usually do. Kettlebell workout is something else. Guess We’re gonna add those halos. It’s gonna be a little different from yesterday then, but that don’t matter. It’s all okay.
Most important is this. And like We said, also fix up that room a bit. It’s a mess. But this here, what’s gonna happen with this. Because We gotta start putting shit together and like, make some decisions. How’re We gonna work this thing out. What can We do with this. Is this something too, is it like a viable option to put this in there, because it’s sort of a blueprint right. But then everything is part of that blueprint and then everything would fit. But none of it does really. Because it’s bits and pieces.
Maybe that’s the point. Isn’t that how life works, in those bits and pieces, it moves and it moves and it moves along these minor moments, turning into a major moment once in a while. And mostly, and this is what people hate with their entire hearts, We can tell easily… Mostly those moments, whether minor or major, are beyond anyone’s control, and don’t focus around you. These moments you find yourself in don’t even care about you. They just don’t. We know plenty of people that are bothered by this. Couple of years ago and We could’ve looked right in the mirror to find one. It’s that simple. It’s an ego thing. It’s too important, that self. For a lot of people it’s wat too important. Their self. We can no longer let that drive Us.
Funny how We go from this and cleaning that room all the way to what We wrote down just now. Something’s really wrong here. Well, with Us of course… What’s funny about it, and this just might be a thing for everyone… The more We walk this path, the more there’s something wrong with Us, but the more We’re okay with that, and the more We’re okay with that, the more other people are bothered by who We are and what We do. It’s a funny thing. It really is. Because that could mean that others… Well, they don’t necessarily hate when you achieve or become better… We’re starting to think that it’s more about you being yourself more and more, and that reflects on them not doing that, not finding their self and avoiding the truth at all costs. They were told that being different is a bad thing… Maybe it is, but We sure as hell mind less and less.
Not even half an hour. Twenty-six minutes. That’s actually nice. Probably twenty-five. Now it’s more of course. But the notes done. Gotta figure it out though, you know, after the run, We eat, so then We can think about it. After the food of course. Maybe grab a piece of paper and jot some shit down. Sorta brainstorm this bitch into existence.
18:05
At this pace, yeah, We’re gonna sleep Our life away. That’s that. And that’s this too, it’s like, We didn’t do shit. We didn’t. So that fucking sucks doesn’it. We haven’t fixed a single thing. Sure, We started working out daily, sure We quit the weed, the alcohol, the porn… We stopped hanging out, stopped freaking on video games, even stopped spamming movies all the time. It’s like, We’re really going after this thing. But then when it comes down to it, like when it comes down the real work, the real steps, there’s nothing. The only thing We know then is inaction and procrastination. And maybe that’s like a standard process, and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to go. Don’t fucking know, didn’t make it yet, and honestly, probably never will. At least not really. We might make it to some degree, but who really cares, right. Who cares about anything. That’s what’s so sad with this civilization at the moment. Nobody cares about nobody. Sorta like that. There’s not a soul that really cares. There’s these pretenders, sure, they’re doing very well. But that’s all. Maybe some people do care, but then again, what’s their ulterior motive right. Because there’s gotta be a reason.
Fuck, We don’t wanna go there though. We don’t. Because that shit’s all negative.
Fuck, ma shoes are wet on the bottom. Gotta go through that bedroom, don’t know where the mat’s at. Fuck. We’re fucked.
22:10
Guess this is where We are… Like, right here in this thing… And it’s about to start. It’s about to get serious. There’s nothing else for Us to do.
Get this thing together. And how… How is it not together really. Even if its bits and pieces. Because it’s always bits and pieces. And here We go again with bits and pieces…
It really is…
Damnit, We’re wasting time. Stop wasting this shit. Can’t get it back. That’s the first piece. But it’s not just a bit. When you count that shit out, well, it’s a lot. It really is. Fuck, if We’re honest about it, well, We’ve wasted too much of Our life.
It’s true. It really is… Like, that’s the first step. We took it a while ago, and honestly, We’re still wasting time here and there.
Sometimes it’s just not as forth going, and other times it’s not that forthcoming. It’s like a two-way street with one-way traffic which is an insane concept. Because you’ve gotta drive the opposite direction. There’s no room. They’ll never understand it, and they won’t step aside. They’ll never… Because for them to do that, they must cease their flow, that current following mindset. The path of least resistance leading down the strain of that mental drag. Maybe that’s why they get fucked up over these small things. They’ve got nothing serious to focus on, well they do, we all do, but they chose avoiding which is an option. We did the same thing for so long, and the damn pain when you finally switch… When you flip that switch, that mental thing… That’s when everything starts to become clear.
Wonder about what becomes clear all day long, all week long, all year long. The only way for you to find out is going down the abyss. That deep dark vast emptiness. Though it isn’t abandoned, it holds those marvelous monstrous slumbering nightmares. Not the ones you create whilst sleeping, it’s the ones you grew up with, went through life with, those woken infestations of horror you can’t shake. It’s those thoughts, those reflection, comparisons, those never ending dialogues on shit that did or didn’t happen. It’s true madness, the way we torture ourself. We’ve come to realize that all of us do it. Each and every single one of us. But we never talk about it, do we, nobody ever talks about that shit. Why though. What are we so afraid about? Well, We, We’re not gonna let anything stop Us any longer. That’s why this is the first bit and piece of the puzzle. It’s not even a puzzle. It’s just some random shit We need to clear up in order to continue. But We’re always gonna have to do this crap, because the moment We stop, the moment We leave this truth behind, that’s the moment We fucking lose it. And We don’t wanna lose this shit anymore. We finally got it, and like really got it, so We’re gonna keep it grasped real tight. That’s what We’re gonna do.
It might suck, it’s not Shakespeare, it’s not Moby Dick, it’s not Edgar’s, it’s not even Plato or Socrates, it’s none of that shit. That’s not what it’s supposed to be. Because they don’t know, they knew their shit. From a certain point. We’re starting to grasp Our shit, si ce a little while now.
It’s time for Us to let go now… We might come back again later though that’s not a necessity. It’s just important to realize that at certain intervals one must release the burden and then let it slowly sink back into the mind. Let it go full circle if you will.
That’s it…
See your punk ass…
August 19
02:01
So, you do don’t wanna fuck up. You don’t. That’s like, it’s the most human thing ain’t it. Who wants to fuck up. We kinda like it, but other than Us, there’s not many people that prefer fucking up over a nice day at the park. A movie night, a hike up the mountain. You know, whatever…
We kinda like fucking up. There’s like this lesson, there’s this wisdom hidden within each time fucking up.
And now We’re like fuck it, go turn the damn computer off. We left it on so it could run this stupid game in the background, you know, gather resources for tomorrow, but now We get this vision that We should be doing this, you know, grinding this instead of games, you know, turn this into a game… Whatever. That’s like, it’s true. It’s the only truth there is. If We do wanna go somewhere We gotta fuck up in this, but to do that, We must literally give this Our all. Work on the damn thing all the time. So let’s go turn the damn thing off.
So We fucking did. And it’s growing stronger. The resentment. Not for turning the damn thing off, nah… For the fact that We wasted another two hours on the damn thing where We could’ve done this instead. We should always be doing this instead. Even if We go blind. Doesn’t fucking matter.
We always get to this point where We’re like, okay, We can relax sometimes, but in all truth, We can’t. We just can’t. There’s no room anymore. We’ve relaxed enough already. Like, Our whole life before this life was relaxation, and peace, and joy, and fun, and maybe it never felt that way, because those things were quick fixes and We abused them. Yeah, We fucking did. And now We’re here and We gotta realize, there’s no room for time-off, no place for relaxation, no way to get out of this. We can watch something until We fall asleep, sure, it’s holidays for a reason. But also, We really gotta get Our shit together. We really have to, that’s the priority. That’s the real thing.
And sure thing, We’re not gonna make the deadline, but then again it wasn’t really a deadline to begin with. It never was. We gotta start putting some down though. Otherwise shit’s never gonna happen and We’re gonna stay in this place forever. And We gotta do something about this place. We really gotta do something about this shit. It has to happen man. If it doesn’t happen now, this time, then well, We fear it never might. And then there’s only one person to blame, in this case a fragmented bat shit crazy punk ass piece of shit that allows a six shot free ride along with his. If you get that, well, then you’re one of us. Maybe you’ve got two, four, maybe you’ve got a thousand and bless your soul if you do. We’re gonna keep it at six. That’s enough for this madness. It’s not that hard to get though. But most wouldn’t even believe it’s real. Well, it’s those motherfuckers that made this shit possible in the first place. Yeah, they fucking did.
We’re gonna go now, it’s late. Gotta get up soon enough, so it’s better to finish here. We’ll get at it again tomorrow…
11:14
On a new Wednesday. It’s always a new Wednesday. And isn’t it, like this is where We fuck up, or, is it that Tuesday. Usually the Tuesday ain’t it. That’s one of those contenders, you know take Thursday’s place. But that probably ain’t gonna happen. Thursday always sucks the most. There’s that knowledge of Friday, which means, one more day in the grind. It’s always grind, but that’s a work day. Then it’s the pain from all past days that accumulated and drags against Us, slowing Us down on that Thursday.
Whatever… Today’s a Wednesday, and it’s holidays. We took some days off, you know to do this, and recover from that hundred kilometers. Well… We could go to work if everything We did other than the job was put aside, but We rather do everything other than the job, because fuck that nine to five, so here We are. Gotta go back Friday though. Don’t know what We’re gonna do. It fucking sucks. Gotta find a way as soon as possible. And that’s like, the hardest thing to do for Us. Or at least that’s what it seems and feels like. There’s nothing out there in that world of theirs. Don’t know what it is, but most of the time, close to all of the time, We perceive people as not being able to comprehend what the fuck We are saying. Which is actually pretty annoying. And it’s not that We didn’t try, We tried Our best to make it as comprehensible as possible. The thing is, We know for a fact that something’s off, because when We talk their bullshit, even in Our own way, they still get it. So it’s either impossible to understand, or, they just have this collective sense to avoid understanding this at all costs.
It goes across many fields, it travels through many sciences. It’s that theory of opposites. It shows Us exactly, and it can show you too, how little all this really matters, but that doing nothing due to that is even more stupid. So We gotta do something, but that something is of no consequence to anything whatsoever. Like, even the atom bomb didn’t change the Earth’s future. For us, maybe, yeah, just maybe. Nobody knows, maybe it was a necessary step in evolution. Maybe not. Does seem like it. So it didn’t really change our future, it just happened. Usually is what’s going on, like stuff’s just happening.
We’re leaving it at this for now. Definitely gonna come back so… See ya…
15:03
Here’s another one. We need another one. Gotta make ’em good.
It’s weird ain’t it. Because We always come back to this. This shit, it was this shit from the start, but We were too scared… Maybe We still are, but now We’re inching closer to finally doing it for real. It’s been the hardest decade of Our life. All that shit before was worse, you know, We had to listen, We never did, but We had to anyway. Now it’s kinda different. People are still gonna say shit, they’re gonna meddle, and they’ll act like they know, they might say they don’t but that’s usually the worst, because then you know for sure they’ll act like they know. Nobody knows shit… That’s what We know. That nobody includes Us just the same. It’s like, don’t try and outrun the truth. Nobody fucking knows. And this here’s proof of that. Yeah, just Us saying it. Because that’s what We’ve seen. The smartest, the most brilliant, the most successful, they don’t act like they know. They realize they don’t and do everything in their power to gain more and more of that unknown knowledge. You know, grow the fucking database. That’s all these motherfuckers are doing. Growing their own knowledge. And that, well, that requires a lot of discipline, not just any discipline, reflective discipline. To always be looking in that mirror and finding those flaws, those shortcomings. Then being okay with them, then fixing them, then it’s time to make them better. That’s how they all do it.
Are We anywhere close to what they are doing. Not really. But then again that’s not what We’re aiming for. We’re on a different path compared to these high-performers and high-achievers. We’re nothing like them and would never wanna be like them. It’s not about that. For Us it’s about life itself. And yeah, gotta do shit ’till ya drop dead, that’s something We’ve come to agree on with these dudes. Do shit until you drop dead. That’s life. That’s just what life is. Can’t be wanting that everlasting vacation. That shit don’t exist. And We’re not saying it’s a twenty-four seven type deal. That’s not it. Just, something everyday, is it an hour, maybe two. Might be three, but just do something everyday. That’s the only way.
Gotta get ready for the workouts, gonna get those in, and then We might get back to this. Don’t know though.
23:08
It’s always like this… Exactly like this. But then again, We should blame ourself… For not doing it earlier.
First, kitchen, then, back to this.
August 20
00:14
A little over an hour, kitchen, shake, stretch, and here We are. Is it good… Don’t know. We did make this unexpected move. Yeah… Don’t know if it’s a good or a bad move, but it sure is unexpected.
Today could’ve been Our shot, We don’t know. You never know until you take it. But We didn’t. Not really. Don’t think it is because this shit ain’t really ready.
Didn’t take a nap today. Maybe that led to this decision. We’re in bed already. Still gonna write this shit out though. We really gotta write shit out. We need it if We gonna wanna continue down this path. Writing some bullshit here and there ain’t gonna cut it. Nah, We need that major league, two page, million note motherfucking bullshit. That’s what We need. You god damn know it as well. Like don’t go about tryna bullshit your ass outa this. This is gonna require some hard work. Real work. Not some nine to five bullshit, not some after hours extra job bullshit. Not even some let’s start a little business bullshit. Nah. This is the real deal punk. Like, this here is the shit. This here is that shit. Maybe We already missed Our shot, and if We don’t get on with it soon, somebody else might start doing it… That’s just life. So, do hurry the fuck up.
There’s a lot of shit here. There’s all this opportunity and it’s just being squandered because of some fear and a fucking sense that denies pressure. Don’t know what it really means, but every time We try to put pressure, every time We grasp for that dwindling flame, just to say that Our life is fading day by day, something in the back, something holds Us back. Don’t really get what that is, We don’t, maybe We never will. Some things aren’t around to be understood, but more so to be accepted for what they are. And when accepting becomes part of your life, then, just maybe, We can start to do something about it. That’s that. There’s nothing else. Not another thing makes sense. Sure, with other things it’s about understanding, but then the same goes. Once that becomes a part of your existence, then change will find its way. Because change is automatic. It’s like the snap of a finger. Just flip the switch and the train goes in another direction. And you know the thing with trains, they’ve got rails. So there’s only so many directions to go. It’s as simple as that. You really cant fuck up. You really can’t. Who’s to say what’s good or bad. If you don’t know, and We don’t know, then they don’t know, and whoever out there thinks they do definitely doesn’t know.
They all act a certain way.
Look at it. Really look at them. They’ll fucking hate you for it. Oh will they hate you. Only once they notice though. But look at them, gaze upon their actions, listen to their words, like really listen… The shit they say, it’s like the shit they’re all saying. And the way they walk, oh, don’t get Us started on the way they walk. And it’s not so much the physical act itself. Nah, it’s that follow the leader, file in type bullshit. Pairs too, you know, lines of three, four. Whatever. It kinda fucks with Our mind. Because that ain’t nature. Caveman didn’t go hunting in lines, they spread out. And sure, the Spartans had their techniques, but those weren’t lines, they were walls. Walls of men, real men.
But if you really look at the whole picture… And We’re not claiming this as a negative, influence or otherwise, ever since man became civilized, more and more, well, shit got farther from nature. And deep down We’re still savages, some still are. Some just don’t have the luxury of being able to suppress that shit. They usually wind up in jail or in some god forsaken pit, or island. Some die in war. And for those victorious, well they get a medal and after that are left forgotten in the streets to rot amongst the trash that was just a little to fed up with the life they were living.
Remember, these are just words. We’re just unloading the brain. We think about it this way today, might think totally different by Saturday. That’s how the mind works. Well, at least this one.
Actually did some good work here. Didn’t really check what time We got beneath the sheets really. Because We opened this bitch up a little sooner. But hey, it don’t matter. We still got this shit down in half an hour. Probably less, but We’re not sure how much.
Guess We’re gonna call it. We should. Maybe be able to get up early enough, you know, make something out of this day. Well, the next,…
See you tomorrow, ya piece of shit.
12:19
It’s a funny thing. Because here We are, again with this shit, you know. It’s again with this shit. Late as always. Don’t really get how or why. The how We’ll probably never understand, that’s more like an accepting kinda deal. But the why… Like it starts to seem obvious that subconsciously on purpose is a theory which fits this problem of Ours. Like, deep down We wanna waste that time, pretend We’re all tired, all beat up, all fucked up, so that We cant use Our hundred percent and work on this. It seems to Us that We’re sorta avoiding the opportunities by waking up late so We ain’t got the time to really sit down, look at the options, work on the site, all that crap, you know. That’s what it’s starting to look like, and honestly, knowing how We lived Our life, that’s probably true. Ever since We’ve been working Our way towards this thing, well… It’s gotten worse and worse. Waking up around twelve and shit. That’s crazy. Maybe We should put down unrealistic goals, instead of half past ten We should go for half past eight. You know, just to fuck with ourself, because the self has been fucking with Us. Turn the thing around if you will.
We do need to sleep once We get the chance because We often times don’t, like, We really don’t get good sleep lately. And the sweating, yeah, that’s a disturbing thing. But it is what it is. We ain’t got time to care. The only time is time to move on. From one thing into the next…
We woke up, went into those push-ups, from there We came to this. Might have to take a shit but soon We’ll be running. If We can hurry it up a little then shit’ll be great and We can squeeze in cleaning the room, but that’s gonna happen anyway, so with bad luck, yeah bad luck and We’re gonna be doing those other workouts pretty late.
It’s some crazy shit. Do realize that you’re working this extreme early in your day. We’re only awake for like forty to fifty minutes, already did a workout, and here We are typing out some deep shit that’s been bothering Us for a while now. Like, this ain’t regular shit, this ain’t what regular people do. And the funniest to Us, well, here We are bashing this digital keyboard, something We avoided for so long, it was always about pen and paper. But We’ve had enough pen and paper. Now it’s time to be efficient. Get shit done you know. That’s like the hardest thing ever. It requires the most work out of all the work. Our work. Not any work. Our work. Like this part sucks the most. It really does… That’s exactly why We gotta do it though.
It’s gonna be hard, so at least make it fun. At least try and do that, for yourself.
16:07
So we did that. Like We did get that room all tidy again. Maybe We’ll sleep a little better now, don’t know. Don’t know if that’s the whole thing that’s making it worse. There’s so many different factors with this shit. Don’t even fucking know.
It’s balcony time. We don’t smell anything at the moment, during the workout We probably will. It’s either in Our mind or someone’s fucking with Us… Don’t know either. It’s just a strange thing that We always smell that shit during Our workouts. Because like We say, right now there’s nothing. Yeah, went to the opposite corner, nothing. No smell…
But that’s where We gonna leave this at. Don’t really wanna talk about these types of things. We’re gonna do Our shit no matter what.
Balconeeeey time, motherfuckers. That’s like the most beautiful time of the day. Don’t matter if the sun is shining, rain’s falling, hailing, storming, thunder and lightning. Doesn’t fucking matter. This is Our time. Day, night, whenever. It is Our fucking time. Nobody really understands what the fuck’s going on here. But just a couple more months of this and We’ll be tough as steel. This is where steel’s created. Nowhere else. Here on this balcony. And slowly, over time, We’re gonna go harder and harder, and deeper and deeper, and do more and more. Yeah, We’re not gonna fucking stop, not anymore.
Yeah, that’s the one thing We know for sure. Now it’s just leveling up. That’s all that counts. Leveling up. Every single day, week, month, year… For the rest of this damned forsaken life. That’s all that matters. Leveling up.
So here We are again. Gonna start those workouts pretty soon. Once that’s over with, well, then We’re done for the day, gotta go fucking work tomorrow. A fucking Friday, you know. But it’s okay. It’s only for a little bit. Like, this shit, it’s just three weeks of suck and then it’s back to what We love and hate doing. Another event, this time twenty-four hours. That’s a blast. Not really. It fucking sucks. But nobody’s gonna do it, so guess We should…
18:28
Fuck. Done… Not forever. Just for today. Only got that stretching left, but that’s for after the food. Always stretch before bed. That’s the deal, that’s that closure. It ends the day. It’s a good thing. Gotta have closure. But remember, when waking up, that closure is annihilated and We go straight back into the madness. Tomorrow’s gonna be rough, tough on the mind. Four forty. That shit ain’t for the weak hearted, nah, you gotta be strong here. Get up and get going. We’re gonna feel fucked, feel sore, feel groggy, feel like We’re gonna pass out… All that shit, every time. But it’s okay, because the doing then, the doing at that moment is tough enough to prevent most from even considering. Who wants to do two hundred push-ups first thing in the morning. Nobody wants to do that shit. Nobody… You know why, because it sucks, it really does. You’re half asleep, cramped up, not every sense is active just yet… Nothing is anything, it’s all still on sleep mode. But when you start pushing away, and squatting, and rolling out, and at it again and again, until those numbers are rounded and you can call it. Oh man, by the time you’re done, that shit feels great, there’s no better feeling. It’s the same with those runs, and all the other workouts. And it’s not just some dopamine addiction. There’s no fucking dopamine after this, there’s nothing after this because after this We’re even more fucked up than We were before, more tired, more broken, more of everything that’s considered as negative for most. For Us it’s exactly what We’re after. The injuries, the pain, the exhaustion… Perpetual exhaustion, that chronic tingling shooting through all the ligaments and tendons, all that shit. We need it. We don’t like it, nah. We’re just like everyone else when it comes to hate or like with this shit. And We do hate it. Probably even more than everybody else because for Us it’s every day. It’s every day like this. There’s nothing else other than the opposition. That’s the most important part. Is that current flowing against Our motion, at all times. We cannot go with the flow as they say. The only place, that’s on the job. There it doesn’t really matter, because honestly, fuck that nine to five. If there’s one thing, like if there’s one place where you can just say fuck it, well, that’s that nine to five. At least that’s the way it is for Us. Never was supposed to do that shit, but circumstances brought Us there, and Our own decisions and whatnot too of course, can’t deny that much. It’s like, We worked with life to get Us stuck in this place. And now We gotta figure a way out, We gotta build that way out. That’s the only way.
The only god damn way is this way, like always focusing on how to get out, but not just that. Like taking steps and then focusing on taking those steps. It’s important. Because otherwise you’re stuck on that how to get out bullshit, or more so that need to get out bullshit. That’s like a death trap, because you’ll stare at that shit all day long, nothing’s gonna change and you’ll just feel shitty about your situation, about yourself, about any of this.
Look, the things We say, they’re sorta from experience, they’re not some theory on how life might be. Nah. This shit, We felt this shit, We’ve dealt with this shit. The reason why We’re still stuck on that nine to five bullshit is because We didn’t really deal with that shit soon enough and moved on to the next step. We ain’t got names for these steps, because there are none. Your life, your steps, everybody’s got his damn stairway, and it’s either heaven or hell. You know the easy way, the underground night clubs, the pubs, the homies that’re hanging out by the park. You know all that shit. But once you turn around, that’s some new ground, that way up, that stairway to heaven. Everyone’s got a different one, but the final destination is the same. Those damned gates. How do you wanna arrive? How. Like really. How do you wanna arrive there. Either you’re a bitch that turned his back on every opportunity, or you’re a monster that grasped every forsaken chance they were given. That’s totally up to you. And it’s not so much about what you did prior. Like, if you’ve lived a life of abundance and devilish joys for twenty-six years, sure, there’s nothing wrong, just accept that that was stupid and get to work. Own that shit, start changing your life. We only started at twenty seven, twenty eight. That’s about the age We started. That’s when We got serious. Before that, well, just a stupid punk avoiding all the truths. And We tried, We really did, but We never went deep. We never did. Now We’re going deep all the time. And We do hope We can find a way to reflect those insanities upon this outlet.
It’s gonna be a tough ass road. Not a highway, not a straight paved path. Nah, some off-road, jungle overgrown, snaking trail along some steep mountain sides. Yeah that’s more like it. And We kinda like it. We kinda do, that’s weird right. Because We never did before all this. We never did like it.
Halfway that kettlebell workout We were contemplating dropping the rep range, because it was a little too much. Yeah, We were out of breath constantly, but then, step by step We got through each exercise and moved on to the next. EMOM’sa hard motherfucker. But hey, gotta do something right. So step by step… That’s all it is, in any situation. Just gotta figure out the step size, the ratio, the manner.
And when you get down to doing it, it’s simple. Just focus on the current step, not the next, not the tenth. It doesn’t fucking matter. It really doesn’t. We still had twelve minutes to go, which is a long time and not so much… It all depends on what you’re doing. But in this situation twelve minutes was a long ass time. But you make those minutes disappear, and you just focus on the one minute that’s there right now, because that’s the only minute you really have.
21:42
Oh, they will act all nice and sweet. And they’ll lie to your face, and they will tell you you’re fine, and that you’re good. But the moment… Ah that glorious moment, when that back is turned… Ah when you’re outside of earshot… That’s when those tongues start rolling, those remarks start flowing, and the bullshit fades while everything they say is just said to make themselves feel better. They gotta bring people down in order to get themselves up. Well. They just stay there, they don’t go up, just feels that way.
We fucking gotta make this work. It should be on Our mind all the time. Like, this is the only thing, there can’t be anything else anymore. This is it. All those people, We gotta prove ’em wrong, but it’s not that We’re gonna tell them, show them, nah. We won’t even bother. We won’t fucking bother with them any longer. We gotta know We’ve proved them wrong, because that would only mean We’ve made it out of this mess.
Fuck…
This shit’s gonna take everything, everything We’ve got. Don’t really know if We’re ready. Like, can We handle this ride, because once it starts rolling, there’s no way back, there’s like no way out again. Maybe that’s what We fear. Which would be so ironic. All We hate about this here is there’s no way out and We can’t do what We want, you never really can, but you can get some form of freedom. Nah, and then when We go down this path for real, it’s the same fucking thing, is it not. Like We’ll be stuck in this bitch and We won’t have all the freedom We desire. So maybe it’s a good thing We’re stuck in this thing still, but We can’t keep doing this forever, so We gotta pave Our way out. Yeah, We gotta build that road man. This can’t keep lasting. Can’t keep working with these people, can’t keep working for these people, can’t do anything in this setting. It’s fucking distracting. That’s what that is. But We’ll find a way, We always do. Yeah. They won’t know. They won’t understand, so We don’t have to explain. We really don’t. Fuck’em, fuck’em and their bullshit. Because it really is bullshit.
Can’t let ourself get dragged into that shit any longer. Just be you, don’t aggravate though either. That’s useless, creating commotion, whatever. Fuck up everybody’s day and whatnot. Ain’t got time for that either. It’s closer to some stoic shit you know. Be all stoic about it. Just let it be. The reason these type of people talk, well, they ain’t got shot of their own, so they gotta talk about somebody else. Gotta listen to that. Really listen. It’s like We said a while ago. Really observe these people once again. Really grasp what they’re saying and try to write down shit. Go back to doing that, because it’s interesting, there’s a lot more there than you ever thought. It’s just, you didn’t know enough about yourself before, so now, now We can go really deep.
This some good shit. Time for bed. Let’s get it good, and go hard tomorrow, this shit’s gonna suck, so make it suck even more.