August 7
00:09
Shouldn’t be too long. Gotta sleep. Don’t wanna overcharge the system with this bright light, although brightness is at its lowest. Seems like We’re getting it though. Had trouble sleeping lately. But whenever We grab this shit, well. There it is. Fading. Nodding off, it’s strange. Fucking funny.
We’re gonna end this shit here, because We already got it bad. So. See ya tomorrow. Fuck. Dropped the phone like five times already.
06:19
Guess that actually pans out. Exactly a week before Dead’s March. A hundred kilometers for the win. That battle against the soul. Nobody really gets it. Nobody really deserves to get it. We can see it in their faces. It’s like they dread the work but they all want the glory. Soon We’ll see thousands of those faces.
Don’t dread the work. Resent the finish. Because if you’re a true human, you know, there’s no real finish. It’s from one thing to the next, and that’s it. That’s life. One event flowing into another. But not always seeming-less, no, sometimes it drags along the roughed up rocky edges of the river and then drops you down with the intent to utterly annihilate any of your dreams or visions. You’re never gonna get this thing without a fight.
That’s why the work is beyond important. It does everything, it says everything, it means everything, and in the end, it gives you that ability to pursue the grand goal that’s in front.
07:51
This is something else though. Got lost in time for a minute there. Couple of minutes…
Dangerous thing it is. Talking to people. You never know their intentions, though they’ll never know yours. It goes both ways.
Watching some interesting shit about Snapchat dealers. Shit’s out of hand. Shit’s crazy.
Well. Guess We’re here. Nowhere else to go. Better do something that’s useful.
09:32
That’s something We really could’ve done without…
Hope it doesn’t last that long.
09:48
It’s a certain hell. A particular notion. Let’s get into motion so We can get shit done. Gotta get shit done. That’s what’s important. Get that shit over with. Then We can move on to the next shit.
11:57
Gotta get this shit going. Big time. It’s Friday. And that’s Our day. Make it work, make it jerk, get it flowing, never slowing the fuck down. No longer…
There’s nothing but this. But this is the most random shit that exists. They don’t know. You might get it, but they never will… It’s impossible for them to grasp this thing. One cannot say why exactly. But it has a lot to do with discipline. That’s why We must keep at it. Always keep at it. Get up and get after it. It’s a mental thing. But not even a mental thing. It’s everything… Endless pursuit of madness. Well… Whatever that madness is for you.
15:34
Gotta go harder and harder. Do more and more. Gotta get there eventually, right
It’s hard to really focus on this when so much is happening. Actually was expecting more opportunities, We had some during the week, but Our Friday sucks. Could’ve done more, probably, and properly if We would’ve been an asshole and never engaged with anyone that passed Us by today.
17:34
This guy talks about that… That guy talks about this. A guy over there’s shouting affirmations, another guy’s yelling masculinity. And everyone’s just saying shit. That’s what it comes down to, in a sense. It’s not bad. And most of it is actually good advice. It really is. But it’s not gonna do it for you. Literally. It ain’t gonna do it for you. You gotta do this shit no matter. Doesn’t matter what they say, what they think, or whatever the fuck they wanna do… It doesn’t fucking matter.
That’s one. And there’s always a one, but not always a second.
We’re going deep though. Again… It’s a mess. Falling asleep on the spot, which is sort of funny. Really is funny actually. Always so full of energy and nothing could sap the damn thing. Now We’re slowly getting there… Fucked.
Yeah. It’s crazy how We turned that thing around. Hope We don’t fall asleep on the toilet. That would be crazy though. Wouldn’t it.
22:16
Got a moment to ourself. Funny what We do with that shit right. Wouldn’t have been this a year or two, three maybe, ago. Fuck… It’s like We’ve become a new person though. Does it amount to shit. Not sure. Don’t care. Know it’s not what they’re doing. Not gonna say they ain’t doing shit. They must be doing something. Right.
Gotta stop with that shit. You know. This is some family time. This is Us and her watching a movie and eating takeout. You know, We can’t just skip on this. If for some reason We feel We haven’t got enough time, or that this is taking away from Our time, them We gotta lok elsewhere first, gotta look inside.
And honestly, We did have Our moment now. So…
See you later punk.
August 8
00:08
Our best bet is to start it now. We’ll get interrupted, but in an Us sense, so, probably easy to maintain the notion.
Too bad We’re late. It’s over midnight so We can’t do Our breathing thing. Will fuck the sleep data. Won’t even take any data as a matter of fact.
Hate that sentence…
Dude, like in all fairness. In every way conceivable. Make something out of yourself, out of this. Out of something. Just, you know, stop… Stop that bullshit, stop the cap. Either get shit done or don’t. But you can’t go around all talky and whatever. There’s nothing to gain through that behavior. It’s stupid… As fuck.
There’s so much more to your potential. There’s a lot more to you. And sitting here and doing nothing with it… Well, that’s actually a crime. Not before court or law. It’s not about order. Maybe an order within yourself. Maybe a court made up out of all those inner demons, those inner monsters. It might be the ultimate law to live by. You know. Don’t waste what’s inside. Don’t fucking do that.
Do what is necessary to break free from whatever’s holding you back. Whatever that part of the mind might be, annihilate that shit. It’s a waste of space, unnecessary processing. It sucks out all that energy, and honestly, gives none of it back. Fuck whatever that may be, We don’t want it any longer.
It’s like he said. It’s that governor. That limiter.
Well. Guess We know what to do. Not exactly, but We have a direction. And now it’s up to Us. Nobody else is gonna come and do it. That’s what they say, so here We are… 00:23 and We’re still at it. Gonna be rough again tomorrow. We’ll manage, with a bit of luck. Just kidding. We don’t need luck. We don’t need shit. That’s that.
And this is it for Our Friday. See your punk ass tomorrow.
10:27
So here We are again. Actually got up on time. Well, time that was designated to the first attempt. So. Well… It’s more like the hundredth attempt, but that’s fine. Still didn’t do it exactly the way We wanted.
Had to take a major piss, which probably helped. It doesn’t matter though what did it. As long as We get it done. Weird right. Just as long as We get it done. That’s all that matters. Because getting it done begets getting it done. Doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it done everytime, but it does help the sentiment of getting it over with and completing whatever against all adversity and opposition.
Well… There’s a lot to do. Especially today, but also this year, and just in Our life. Fuck. Zoned out… That’s not good.
Got that vision of joy in a way. Like, to let go of all of it. To finally allow the ego to fade into the background and become one with the room and the moment. Because none of it matters. It doesn’t.
17:10
Got dat shit. Went and got that junk, now We can just show up and don’t have to go through that process.
Now We myst decide, store or not. And then it’s store first We guess. We could. Get some healthy shit. Get some cheap shit. Go take a look around you know. Gotta wait though, wait for that other punk to get back to the real world. Tell her, then leave. Probably. It’s gonna get late like this though…
We’ll fucking see…
19:14
Well. We were like, nah, We’re not gonna write. Just watch some shit. Well… We’re doing both, sorta. Doesn’t really matter what We do though. As long as We write something. Even this is something. But there’s nothing other than this. We’ve looked all over. Like Real searched the globe, went places, met faces, talked all the time. Also tried to listen. But it’s hard to listen to those that don’t walk a similar path.
Damn shit is a menace…
Fuck.
So yeah. We gotta continue down this road and slowly work towards something that’s closer to value. Well. What is value to begin with. We gotta figure it out for Us. And then We can turn it into something public…
August 9
01:43
In here, that’s where it has to happen. No place else. It’s in here where it’s gonna happen. That’s it. It has to happen. Can’t let it not happen. That much is certain. And it’s like all We can think about. Like, that’s the life now. Grinding the workouts, grinding the runs, grinding this… Day after day after day. Because it is necessary. The seven out of seven, it’s necessary for Our mental health.
Don’t know if that’s the right way to put it. It’s not necessarily Our mental health. It’s closer to Our spiritual being. Like, there’s something that must be fed. Something that needs Our attention and care, a certain side that’s hungry for destruction and damnation. Because in Our life We’ve known nothing but these two things. But the standard gift of present wasn’t enough any longer. We become numb to the regular life so quick because life itself didn’t provide Us with the exact nature that would force Us to dive deep.
We’ll never get anything that’s close to what We want or need. We’ll only be given that which steers Us further from the path that leads to the answers.
That’s all life ever did. Guess that’s why We gotta do it. That’s why We gotta go deep into it. The deeper, the better.
Gonna sleep. See your stinking ass tomorrow. Punk!
04:50
Here We are. How much did We get so far. Gonna have to figure that one by ourself.
12:13
Well. It’s a damn mess. This some bullshit. Yesterday was a success, but today was a total failure again. And even when We’re out on time or not, We stay the same type of tired. It’s like nothing happens while We sleep. Like We don’t rejuvenate.
It’s fucked up, and honestly, We’re just fucked. We’re just fucked because We gotta go through with this. Gotta… And whatever the underlying issues might be, We ain’t got no time for a doctor. We ain’t got no time for a check up. Next year maybe, but this year that shit ain’t really happening. So, guess We’re gonna hit that year and half marker without even knowing what’s up with this shit. Because there’s definitely something wrong.
Always yawning lately, always tired, beat, broken. Slow on the regeneration.
Don’t know man. Really don’t know.
Gotta do better though, that’s what We know. Gotta do better even though it seems impossible. Because it’s not. We can do it. We can fucking do this shit. We’re built for this… Or at least built ourself for this.
Gotta go for that run, but it seems We’ve gotta take a shit. That’s annoying. Still, gotta do that though.
17:00
Fuck. We just can’t seem to get out of this thing… Out of this slump. Always tired, don’t know what to do about it. Go back to saying We’re not tired. Like that doesn’t really work. To some extent, to some degree, sure. But not that great though.
So here We are on the balcony. Just noticed as We went trough the notes of today, total failure, only had three, We found one that said 4:50, and had just one line. So apparently, We wrote something as We woke up during the middle of the night. Which is crazy. Never had that happen before. Didn’t even notice until now.
Yeah, We’re going down some path, some sort of road to damnation. But the answers within are insane. They are necessary. They are the only thing that matters.
Gotta hurry up, it’s past five, still gotta take a crap and then start those workouts.
Gotta do this fucking thing, no matter what. That’s the only real reason for Our existence at the moment. Which is a little sad, but at least there’s meaning…
19:31
So. We’re done. Gotta go fill in those numbers though. That’s the first thing. So guess We’ll be back in a second.
It kinda feels like a waste of time. So we could just do the excel numbers and leave the garmin numbers for what they are, because in the end it doesn’t really matter. Like, they are just numbers. There’s no follow up on the muscles We utilize, or the reps We do, and sure thing, We can put down those reps at the end of each set, with most of that shit. But the EMOM doesn’t allow that. Which gives Us a random rep range. Kinda sucks. Still feels like a waste of time going there and fixing it, like every day. We ain’t got time as it is. So here We are, making even more decisions. It’s important to go over this shit.
Gonna get those numbers down in excel and We’ll be back.
To get what not many have, well, you must do that which the many do not. That’s exactly what it is. All those in places of success, achievers and whatnot, they all say the same thing basically. Do what others don’t every day and you will get to that place.
It’s like the quote, the champions do the ordinary extra. That makes the extraordinary. That’s all it is. Just doing what is usually done, but doing it like it’s your only option. And honestly, when looking at that shit, it is the only option. It really is…
This shit’s gonna be hard though, still, probably. A hundred kilometers is still a hundred kilometers, and it’s gonna suck. It’s always gonna suck.
But it will be less demanding than all those other times. That’s the thing. It’s gonna be less demanding because We’ve done it so many times. And honestly, it’s not that long ago. About three months since We last ran that 24h run. So, kinda got in the practice back then. Now it’s just another practice run for the next 24h. And that’s gonna be another practice run for another event, and so forth. It’s just that.
21:48
First We write. That’s all We gotta do. That’s all We have to do. Write. Write this shit out. Like figure it out. But with writing. It’s the only way. Shutting the fuck up, turning down the volume on everything, getting in that room and being by ourself. And then of course… Write. Well… Type. We type. Gotta get back to the pen of course, but the pen is something We ain’t got that much time for right now. Typing is the new thing.
We did put a load of time into the pen. Unlike many people, We’ve held the pen to such an extreme that it actually fucked with the structure of Our fingers and created calluses in certain places. The one, that biggest callus is still there. Don’t think it’s ever gonna fade. Well, We’re probably gonna grab the pen again, hope someday soon. So We’ll get to working on that callus again. It’s important. One must realize. One must understand. The calluses represent the work. You don’t get these things by sitting around. Static friction is nothing. Both friction during motion, that’s something. That’s what creates toughness. Roughness.
Well, fuck it. It’s about being hard. Real hard. Not that We’re a big guy, tough motherfucker. That shit’s gay. It’s about being able to surpass yourself. It’s not about going up against anybody else. Fuck everybody. It’s you against you. And being you. That’s that thing.
And We’re getting to a certain place. Because people are starting to say shit. People are talking, and talking, and it’s about Us. And We are just working and working, while they’re talking and talking. It’s funny how these things play out. How they’re exactly what’s said they are. That jealousy, and that avoidance, and that guilt to self. It’s true. It’s all true.
And that’s why We don’t bother. Let’s fucking do it. Let’s do it. And see how long it lasts before they start talking again. Because they’ll always be saying shit.
August 10
05:17
Mondaaaay… Bitches…
Fuck. Monday’s here again. But it’s a short week. At least for Us it is. Until Wednesday. That’s Our last day of the week. Sounds kinda nice, right. Should be like that all the time.
Nah. Maybe that Friday. So from Monday to Thursday. And then We get that Friday extra. Which is actually a good idea for some ultra running next year. Like, workout style. Say We do a hundred K on Our own around this bitch. We did it before. Sorta. But We did it.
Fuck. Feeling kinda weird though. Not necessarily tired or whatever. Just a little weird. A little off, don’t really know how else We can put this.
There was a lot of blood in Our nose. Not any more it seemed when We blew it the last time. But all those times before, maybe six or seven, yeah, there was a lot of it. Don’t know what it is.
Got this crazy theory, like, this is what Our mind does now and then, and We’ve got this vision where it’s the below neighbors releasing some nasty dust from their apartment. They just came to live there, and ever since they did there’s this weird smell in the air. Though not all the time, just some times. Could be coincidental and be some next door neighbor too, but why all of a sudden. Strange, right. There’s this smell for sure though. Don’t know where it’s coming from. Could be that We’ve stopped smoking, but kinda remember that it was already present before We did that.
Yeah, fuck that shit though. It’s some crazy shit. It’s always something to keep Us distracted, right. Just focus on this here, focus on the workouts, and get shit done. After some time, that’s when We’ll get some results and We’ll be able to move on down this path. Level up if you will. Always level up. There’s nothing else to do. And We gotta level up real quick.
06:28
Get this show on the road as soon as possible.
08:06
It’s funny, is it not. How it’s always Us, always Us that has to change. Never them, they must never adapt, they must never alter their stride. They never have to slow down nor speed up… They never need to change a damn thing about themselves. Life keeps on going for them, whether good or bad. For Us it ain’t that simple…
It’s like, We just can’t be ourself. We’re just not allowed. But that’s something… Don’t really understand the nature of it. We still be living like this. We still be doing Our thing. Not giving a fuck about peoples opinions. Though it can bother Us from time to time. The notions surrounding those thoughts.
Don’t even know if that’s the correct way to phrase this shit. Don’t even know if this shit is phraseable. And that’s not even a word. But We do that which We feel is necessary.
That’s the way things should be…
12:55
Gotta make a new one. It’s been over four hour’s. This shit’s nasty. Nodding off again, like extreme. Dude, it’s really getting out of hand. Can’t even keep this up…
Yeah, that was hell. But that’s the funny thing about it. The shit these people be talking about. Can’t give a fuck. That’s like…
So, it wasn’t that long. Because We took a nap until 20 past 13. So yeah, couldn’t be that long.
It’s always something, right. Sometimes We’re just that tired it seems. Like, We’re not even saying that damn thing. But still, it creeps up on Us… All of a sudden.
14:15
Now’s Our chance to put some shit down. Well… Shot down in the toilet, and shit down here. Shit down everywhere. It’s like… We don’t really care what’s out there, like what’s really open and free. Fuck. These words are strange, right. They make no sense, but it’s no nonsense. This shit holds a particular value. One We can’t explain ourself.
It’s loud, it’s always loud, never silent. Well. That morning bit, but with some bad luck, always bad luck, We gotta load trucks, so then it’s loud loading. It’s always something, right. Gotta take that shit though.
Some nasty dudes go hard on this porcelain, so gotta hurry so We can get off, get ready, and go home. Gotta go home as soon as possible. Which is around 14:50… Something like that. Gotta run, not too fast not too slow, and then it’s workout mayhem. Gotta go hard on those bitches. That’s all that matters. After that We’re sorta free, you know, writing, kitchen, stretching… Bed. Always bed. Maybe someday soon We can make something of ourself. That would be awesome. It would be a challenge though, to maintain that shit.
15:53
Balconeeeey…
Kinda like it now. It’s this moment where We used to smoke two to three cigarettes back to back, and watch stupid shit on YouTube, and waste time… Now. Well. Now We’re here doing this, without any cigarettes. Crazy right. How quick something can change. And We understand. It ain’t easy to keep this thing together. To grasp all the pieces at the same time. Though nobody said it should be done that way. It’s usually what We want. Instant results. Doesn’t happen. Ain’t gonna happen. Maybe for a select few. And maybe in a particular field or pursuit. But usually, results, real results, they take loads of time before they manifest.
Well. It’s a certain madness, a particular insanity. All this. Coming back time and time again. It’s like each time We start all over and do something different yet very similar to what it once was before all this. Weird shit, right. Weird indeed. It’s like a loop though there’s no singular strand, it’s made up of a million, a billion, possible routes.
Words are magnificent. They really are.
Only seven minutes since We started this. Well… That’s actually neat, being able to tell how much time went over this. Sucks though, We only got this much, kinda weak from Our point of view, well, maybe a point of view from days that have long faded. Days that will be missed, though We’ve had them and that’s that.
19:53
What’s it like really. That’s a good fucking question. Guess We’ll have to travel loads of paths in order to really get the gist, the notion of this thing, this journey We’re on, if you could call it that to begin with.
It’s a strange thing. But this obsession is becoming real again. Like, this is it right. The word. Written, spoken, read. All that shit. It’s all about what it represents. It isn’t knowledge primarily… It comes down to understanding. Perceiving. Receiving society. Drenched with the nature of our existence. The way each of us goes about their life. Too bad not all of it’s recorded. Because even the dullest of lives would be interesting from a philosophical point of view. Just to stretch it out besides the most wonderful, the baddest, the worst, the most joyful, whatever. All of them. Stretched out besides each other, not as comparison, not as reflection. As a gift to the next generation, and We do mean a future generation five to six hundred years down the road.
Like, our times, the age we live in, it’s one of the busiest and most interesting moments in all of the time that has passed us and probably what’s about to come for a while. Why do We say this. Simple. Here’s where all the important decisions have to be made. If we fail then extinction is something that’s not so fictive. If we succeed then we might truly become colonizers of space, and much more. It depends on every decision made though. It’s not just one decision. It’s each of us collectively at the “same time” chosing to walk the right path, which for some might mean the wrong path, as in righteous or not. But that’s another story, another day, another time. But eventually the path will be clear. Think for most it’s the same path as they’re on right now, but they’ll have to accept what it is exactly.
Maybe for Us it’s a similar type deal. Like, maybe We’re supposed to be stuck in this dead end nine to five pushing garbage onto a pile and loading trucks. Don’t know. Can’t tell. But soon We’ll figure it out. Hope so…
It brings forth a feeling We’re not used to, and We actually don’t know what that shit means. What type of feeling it should represent, or align with. Emotionless within emotion. That’s something fucked up.
22:44
It’s like, get this shit ready. That’s all that matters. Get this shit in a position where it can get out there. And when it gets to that place, that’s where We can expand. We gotta expand, every time. Gotta keep this thing growing. Gotta make it into something. And it ain’t about proving anything. It’s about providing that which others overlooked. It’s about giving back what We’ve learned. But not in a “3 years of this, don’t make the same mistakes” kinda bullshit. Nah, it’s about making mistakes. But you gotta make yours. Let your life become hard, harsh, out of control. You can always get it back on track, always. Just gotta fucking do it.
That’s all We can really say on that. Just gotta fucking do this shit. And it is true. It didn’t happen overnight. And it wasn’t this snap your finger type deal when We came off the streets. It took Us another two years. And now this has taken Us two years, and the next step might take another two years. But what does that step include. If We look at the previous steps. Sure thing, first those were baby steps, then it became toddler steps, then We were doing kiddy steps, then teenager steps, so is it gonna be grown-up steps now, full-fledged leaps across entire achievements at once. Don’t count on it, don’t expect it, though it could be a thing. Don’t know if We don’t go for that walk.
Fuck man. We’re going somewhere with this. That’s for sure. Well, think it’s a good thing those neighbors started bitching. About the yelling, and the shirt and what not. You know. It’s proof, proof We’re doing something right, because it’s annoying the crap out of these people. Regular Joe’s and Jill’s, they don’t get it. Don’t wanna talk down on them at all. It’s just what it is. They’ll never get it. But We’ll never get why they seem to prefer that regular type of life. Like, do they really. Or do they just believe in that lie they’ve been told? And We’re not saying there’s anything wrong with working nine to five, or that factory job, or that office job, whatever. It’s all good. But don’t you want more out of life. Because We do. So that’s why it’s 23:00 on the clock and We’re still smashing this digital keyboard spewing nonsense in black on white pixels. Probably got less than six hours of sleep. Fuck…
Well, We’re sorta getting used to that bitch.
This is it though, sleep tight, those bed bugs don’t bite because they’re scared shitless and off to somewhere else.
Remember to make that demon look under his bed before he goes to sleep, make him look for your ass.
August 11
05:16
Getting closer, aren’t We. Friday’s that day. A hundred kilometers. That’s gonna suck, again. But it’s easier, no… It’s like, We’ve done this shit before. We know the food, the drink, the Vaseline… We know the works. And still, all in all, it’s just a bit of training for the next training, and so forth. Don’t take it to seriously, don’t take yourself to seriously in doing it. It’s just a bunch of bullshit that’s going on. That’s all it really is. A bunch of shit. Because, right now, it’s also a bunch of shit, shit that’s not even worth mentioning actually. But now We did, so maybe it is. Like We said before though, it makes no sense. None of this really makes any sense. Not to them, and definitely not to Us.
Here We sit, Tuesday morning. Contemplating all this shit. Well, We gotta move on, We gotta get shit done. That’s all there’s to it. We ain’t got anything else to do, nothing on the docket. Is that even a word. Dictionary says it is. We think so too, heard that shit before. Look man, this is it. Your one shot, your one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, will you capture it, or just let it slip. It’s as simple as that. And anybody with a shred of decency and respect for the music industry knows who the fuck We’re referencing here…
Well, let’s go get some. Let’s run some miles, let’s figure this shit out, because eventually We will figure this shit out. No doubt about that…
07:28
We need this thing to be real. To be Us… Completely. It’s like, this’ that part of Us which defines the truth… Our truth. Doesn’t really matter what that shit means exactly, but it supports all the previous trials and tribulations.
Don’t know where to go with this, or at least go from here… It’s strange nobody ever wanted to help Us. Not one day in Our entire life.
09:07
It’s these moments. These snippets of time, slivers… Where you can reach for this and go deeper. Deep down into what you are. Like, this goes for everyone… But well, don’t think most people’d wanna do it. That’s like plain obvious if you ask Us. Look at the way they act and think.
14:22
Shit sucks. Often times shit sucks, shit sucks big time. Like, We know it’s necessary but it sucks, but then We still do it. And We try not to complain, it’s like, it’s taking all the energy left… And there’s not much to begin with. And then We can’t complain, because We don’t wanna sound like a bitch. That’s what they all sound like. Moan this, hmph that, don’t wanna this, shouldn’t have to that… It keeps on going. And then when they start about someone else, oh, that’s when all the brakes release and the rotations begin. Swirling and swirling that same bullshit over and over until the fat cow’s milked and only skin over bone remains.
That’s kinda what it feels like, and We don’t wanna be that. But it takes so much energy. It takes all what’s left.
14:57
Fuck…
It’s like
What can We do really… Sure, if We go all out all the time. But is that something We really wanna risk? That’s a good fucking question. Maybe We are working towards that shit.
16:03
Fuck…
Here We are again. Hope We can stay out here for just a bit. It’s kinda hot, ain’t got no wind in this bitch, when it’s from that angle at least. Just felt a little bit, so that’s a blessing.
It’s been a while, since it got this hot out back. Kinda like it, just because that shit kills. It really destroys. Which is a good thing. It just is. No facts, no delusion. This ain’t got shit to do with either of that. It just is.
Here We are. In these thoughts. And it’s always that shit. People always wanna have it worse, people always wanna feel better, people always wanna be the ones to have gone through the harder bits, when all it actually is is just another fucking Sunday stroll compared to those who shut their mouths and do the shit. The real shit. Gotta become one of those people, really gotta be one of those people. That’s all We want, actually. To become one of those mad motherfuckers that pulls through any situation placed in front of them.
Fuck man. There’s so much left to do. All the work. It’s a lot. And like, they say to not look at that shit, the whole package, the bulk, but still, it’s the bulk that has to be done by the end of it. We can do it step by step, but the finish line is the bulk. There’s no avoiding that understanding. Like, We know what it is, and We know what it’s gonna take. And that’s a lot. That’s like too much. But it must be done. It’s something We gotta do. Nobody else’s gonna do it. That’s why it’s gotta be Us. We gotta make it work.
It’s this idea, this notion, this revelation that… Whatever it is, it can be done. Whatever it is. Because there’s loads of thing on this earth today that for many among the dead would have seemed impossible to achieve.
21:27
Into that writing and onto the next… Screen, maybe. Next level for sure. Gotta upgrade all the fucking time. All the fucking time.
Got lost for no reason. ‘Sfucked up. Get back into this shit. But that smell’s there again. That damn smell’s always there whenever it’s inconvenient. Whenever We’re the only one that’s gonna notice that crap.
Ah fuck it.
Doesn’t matter.
Bust. Still got in on time. Shouldn’t fuck it up though. That’d be damn stupid, would it not. It’s always damn stupid, every fucking minute that’s wasted anywhere. Because eventually it’s all just a waste.
See, off again, and it’s just a waste of time, because it’s all bullshit. Every thought circling that chaotic mess of a brain, it’s all a waste. Spiral and spiral, perpetuality of madness. Insanity at its finest. Guess We just can’t stop the damn thing.
It’s gotten to the point where YouTube shit and series on the Flix can’t even turn this brain off any longer. Like, We’re in to deep. We don’t mind though. It’s nice, because We came to understand it’s Our job… Swirl the pot, let it brew, that stew of insanity. It’s like, We’re probably not even gonna get paid for this shit, really, and We’re chasing this damn rabbit like there’s a billion dollars around every corner We can make.
But isn’t that nice, isn’t that something worth while. Maybe it’s a complete waste of time, just like everything else, and then We’ll wind up just like everyone else.
Is that such a bad thing, probably not. Many people do it. But are they really okay with it.
Fuck, We gotta start making moves, because without moving, there’s no escaping the dungeon. There’s just no way.
It’s what it is, and We’re gonna make wrong turns, We’re gonna fuck things up. Definitely. It’s Us, ya know. So yeah, just fucking do it. That’s all We can say. Let’s fucking do it. Because it’s all We can do. It’s all We have. We can’t keep pretending at this nine to five shit, We can’t keep pretending to be an employee, whether a good or a bad one, it doesn’t matter. It’s not gonna work. It’s just not gonna work, because that’s something We just ain’t. We’re not built to work for someone else’s dreams and goals. We just can’t force ourself forever down that path because We know for a fact that they will never attain those dreams or goals. That’s it. We gotta work at Our own… That’s all that truly matters.
August 12
05:16
It’s Wednesday ma duudes…
It really is Wednesday. So that means, last day of the week. Getting closer to that mess. Getting closer to that madness. It’s all perspective, and it’s all relative. Nothing… There’s nothing. Not over there, not even here. There’s never gonna be anything. Because it just doesn’t exist.
Don’t ask Us what it is. We don’t fucking know. We never did to begin with, so We just begun. It’s about a feeling. A notion… Swirling up there, above everything else, unreachable, unattainable. It’s always there though. But it actually isn’t. Because none of us could ever grab that shit. It’s elusive. But it has to be. A particular madness. Chaser’s Itch We’ll call it. There’s no reason to not chase it, though there’s also no reason to do, which is funny. Because, to Us, everybody seems to be chasing their version of it, though many don’t even realize. It’s like they don’t know it’s all momentarily, you know, until they die type of deal. That’s been like the big picture. Or the small. But like We said, it’s elusive. We just happened to stumble upon the damn thing. Don’t really know much about it though. Just got that introduction if you will. Tryna figure out what it’s really about.
The thing is with stuff like this. We’re certain, like a hundred percent. It’s what brought Us here. It really did, didn’t it. All that shit up until now, that’s all due to the madness this Chaser’s Itch granted Us.
That’s what it does, you know, provide you with grit, helps you make reasons, gives you a way to push through. It bothers you to an extent where whatever it is you’re doing or trying, you can’t leave it be. That’s that…
For now. Guess We’ll be back later, you know, with some more shit. Definitely. Hope there’s not many people around early on. Gotta get this shit done, go deeper you know.
06:28
Every second you got. Make it hot, make it count. This shit ain’t special. This shit’s ordinary, We’re just doing it a little extra. Yeah, We’re snatching from that quote. But it’s true. We don’t have to write all this shit. We don’t… There’s not one reason for Us to do it. We’re just a piece of shit wasting time on a blue color nine to five, exhausted from all that extra We’ve been doing. The workouts, the runs, the writing, the late nights. All of that shit. It’s killing Us slowly, certainly.
But then again it’s not even about getting out of this bitch, like, it’s giving Us something. So maybe, once We figure out particular patterns, once We manage some funds, once We get on those two feet completely, We can start looking into ways that could still inspire Us though don’t take up this much time. Because a nine to five does take so much from Us, you know. Us going out, Us going places, Us evolving into humans with new understandings..
11:54
This some funny shit. Actually…
People are actually interested in this shit. The stuff they converse about. Well. It’s their thing. This is Our thing…
14:18
Well, We actually did shit today. That’s crazy right. Guess We gotta go deep into this motherfucker. Or better, deep into this mother’n’fuck’er. That’s more like it.
Well, might be a great thing, to get this shit into place, like, in order, or something similar to that sense. It’s chaotic, always chaotic. That’s never gonna change. That’s the way We prefer it, all random and crazy… All without borders and boundaries. Like a flood, something like a tsunami. Raw natural power, flowing. That’s beauty.
Gotta take a shit, but We can’t take a shit like this, We gotta focus on the shit. It’s important to take a shit. Because We can’t go running if We don’t, then We’ll shit Our pants.
16:21
Gotta hurry the fuck up. This shit ain’t no joke. Not anymore that is. We can get it done, all of it. It’s easy. Just take it step by step. The hard part, which step to take first. Right… That’s the fall. Think about when you first learned to walk. Can’t remember right. You can’t because you were busy trying to walk. Didn’t have time to remember. And it wasn’t like that was 24/7 walk. You slept, you ate, you sat around, you did a whole bunch a shit. Crawl was probably one of them. But walking eventually happened. Persistence. That’s all. You kept going after it. Never giving up. Never backing down. That’s that.
We had to learn that lesson again. So that’s what We’re doing now. Going so hard We’ll never forget. Not again…
Gotta be a certain way, do a certain way, gotta think a certain way. And there’s definitely this way in which We must write. Is it this way. Not sure. Never sure about that thing. It’s like, an ever elusive decision. Once made it moves out of mind and becomes something entirely different. It’s a crazy concept. To write in one way, or to write in another.
It’s the gift of creativity. To do something with anybody else, they will get it eventually. Or most won’t and some will. And honestly, there is this one in a whatever, they say it is the one that strikes all hearts…
23:07
Well. Here We are. First We weren’t, because We had other plans…
We were back there, now We’re over here, soon We’ll be over there. It’s a mess. A shuffle, a chess piece mastery that leads to the checkmate of life. Sorta. Don’t know, not a wise man, nor an accomplished man, not even a good man, necessarily. Just a random dude, on top of his covers, holding a phone and bashing a keyboard.
Well, We wanted to play a video game. But then We didn’t. And it was like, well, this sense. It always creeps up. We get there to that point, the sensation of let’s relax and play a game for a while. But the closer We get to the moment where that opportunity to play a video game could become reality, well, there’s this thing in the back of Our mind.
It’s telling Us about that damn aftermath. The way Our emotions will warp and make Us feel worse than We did before. It’s not even like how We felt before, just in general. This notion, this sensation of how it is after the time has passed and We flip off that computer, and you know, head for the bed, and then there We are… But now We’re already here writing about that shit. Well… Is it anything better than what We’re writing about. Don’t fucking know, can’t fucking say.
Depends on the person, probably. Sure thing if you make money playing video games, though you’d wanna do that is something entirely different. If you don’t, and you can’t make money that way, then it is a waste of time, or not. Still depends on your values. For Us it seems to be. Because We’re neither making money through the workouts, running, and writing. So why spend so much time on that shit. We’re gonna keep on doing it though. Because one day it might pay off, pay off big time. It could. But the same logic applies to the gaming, whatever it is. You can put any word there.
The one thing We’ve learned so far, and should’ve taken by heart a while ago now… Gotta poor everything into it. Don’t kill yourself, like they say, but damnit you’re gonna come close.
The way We feel, all these injuries, all these overuse issues, all these sleepless nights, and diarrhea ridden toilet breaks. All those sensations, all those moments where We felt, and often still feel, like We’re dying. Well, We’re gonna run a hundred-K on Friday. From Friday to Saturday. And We’re gonna try and keep the regular workouts like they are up until the race, and after We’ll build up as fast as possible. That’s the plan, right. That’s the true game. Always busy with these numbers.
See ya later, punkz…
August 13
12:29
So, it’s almost there, here, whatever. But it is… And We’re not feeling it yet, but that shit’s gonna come. We’re sorta feeling it. Maybe We’re getting used to it. Maybe We’re finally ready for more. Always ready for more. But this is different. Maybe, just maybe, there’s more for Us to gather from this spirit and utilize it for a longer period of time. We’re talking hours still. Wanna get that shit up to days. Or as We would say, Dayz. Sounds a little better. Much more heft to it.
So, here We sit, gonna go inside soon because there’s this nasty stench hanging in the air. Don’t know if it was always here, and you know, We can smell because We quit smoking. Or it’s something someone’s doing. Or a particular apartment that just reeks of rotten walls and what not.
We don’t have to be outside to do this.
We gotta carb up in a way. Also put down that last layer of fat. That shit’s important. They all talk about losing weight, getting lean. Nobody’s talking about building shit up from nothing. That’s for sure. Well… Eat, a lot, workout, a lot. Stimulus… On both ends.
It’s a touch morning. Not tough as in rough. We gotta figure this thing out though. Either run back to back, one with weights and the other without. Or just run without the weights which is totally fine, but Our inner monster doesn’t like that notion.
Could also run with weights and do a run tomorrow where we don’t run with weights. Which actually sounds best… So that’s probably what We’re gonna do, what We should do. Go out for an easy run, maybe even two miles, that’s all. Do the same thing tomorrow without the weights. That’s easy shit, and it’s like the best prep We think. Could be wrong. Been wrong many times. Also been right many times. It depends. Usually on the day, sometimes on Us. Hey, life’s a strange thing.
We got some shit down already, and considering, well, kinda good. Not the shit. Just the timeframe. So yeah, guess We’re gonna get ready like a motherfucker, and then do this thing. Gotta hit the store too, so. Gotta hurry up just a little…
15:00
Belly’s full, rest up, then hit the store. Gotta hit the store and get shit over with.
17:55
How We’re always this forgetful, or oblivious to some extent. How We’re always doing this thing where shit just falls out off Our mind and into an abyss that always, and always, and always, will return that information when it’s too late. It’s always when it’s too late. Well. Also too soon. It’s never on time, never when it’s necessary.
That’s why We usually make a list for the store. This time We didn’t, and this time We forgot. Lately We always forget. Like the important stuff, it’s becoming quite annoying actually. Especially because We never did on purpose, and We never did figure out where that shit’s coming from. Why it is the way it is.
Fuck it. This a waste of time. We gotta get focused, that’s all. Don’t over analyze the damn thing. There’s no use to that. Just focus on the enrichment. Focus on what’s necessary and you’ll learn how to focus. You know, by doing the damn thing. That’s how you learn the damn thing. But it’s always gonna be a damn thing. No matter how good you get, how focused you get, how proficient you get. It doesn’t fucking matter. The damn thing’s always gonna be a damn thing.
Well, guess We’re gonna do the damn thing in over 30°C weather and shit. Don’t care. Makes you hard. And it’s the last thing on many people’s minds because you know, who the fuck goes and does that fucking thing to begin with.