July 31
05:21
Another section. Another attempt. Let’s get it son. Because they truly don’t know Us. Gotta get better, gotta do more. Gotta be willing to go beyond. That shin’s all messed up, the calves, the achilles… The whatever, because everything is fucked up. All of it. But We don’t mind. This ain’t Us complaining. This ain’t Us bitching. This is Us stating the obvious, calling out the reality of things. But, nonetheless, We must move on and We must move through, any and every obstacle. We can do this. We really can, it’s easy. Pretty easy actually. Just gotta fucking do the shit.
Nobody else’s gonna do the shit, so that’s why We’ve gotta do the shit. That’s the one reason We gotta hold on to, it’s the only thing that’s important actually. The fact that nobody will, so if We don’t do it, then it might never happen, or happen way too late, or happen in a strange incomplete way.
The purpose itself is to have no real purpose. But that’s a purpose of its own. Don’t care though. We’ll always say there’s no purpose, just that nobody else will do it, and that’s what gave Us Our purpose. It’s as simple as that. Simple as that.
Actually got some shit together in this timeframe. Even with moving about. Crazy… Keep it up, punk…
06:33
This shit sucks big time. Gotta do it anyway. Without hesitation, without complaints, without anything that opposes the direction, the destination…
10:57
This is actually the perfect time.
There’s no better moment than moments such as this. The perfect moments actually…
There’s an opportunity to reach a particular focus amidst all that chaos. To even talk and sound and shout, and still do this.
This was a funny one. It’s 14:26 right now. So We did this in pieces, and not like sentence after sentence. Nah. We had to stop mid sentence a couple of times.
On to the next.
14:26
Well. That’s it. Ain’t it. Here… Waiting again. Maybe. Just maybe, shit will change. But the only way’s for Us to change that shit. Either for the better, or the worse. Nonetheless… It’s up to Us. That’s the only person, the only man who can do anything about this. No other person on this entire planet, there’s not a soul out there, dead or alive… That could help Us with achieving Our goals. Because We don’t know what Our fucking goals are. We know there’s an endless list. But We lost the damn thing…
17:19
Balcony…
Another lost soul ventured Our way and asked. They asked Us for inspiration. Well… They asked Us about Our training, why We do it, what’s behind it. Basically, what’s the plan. Can’t really give them one because there isn’t any plan. So, usually We refer to the magnificence of hardship and how it changes a person. How it’s a necessity.
Fuck it. He’s right though. Should do something with this shit. Should get it out. An inspiration to those that feel lost. Which is most.
It’s a strange thing… To see all these empty eyes, all these vessels devoid of life searching for the meaning of it. What a joke. And this ain’t no snare, not a jab, this ain’t shit but an observation. For the longest of times We saw the same damn look whenever We saw that mirror image.
Getting sleepy… No. Never get sleepy. Always Feeeeelin’ Goouwd.
Worked pretty hard actually. Actually…
Not all that hard, but harder than most… Probably. Definitely in that company. Productivity in that shit sucks. But hey. We ain’t gonna complain, never name names. Don’t point fingers you know. It’s funny, you know. How they all do that. There’s no point, there just ain’t.
22:59
It’s like… This is the work… Right. But, the work is the work. And then there’s not the work. There’s everything but the work. What do you need to do, what do you want to do. Where do you wish to end up. End up back where you started, or end up somewhere down the line where you can find those new pieces of yourself. Along the way, that excavation, it brings forth slivers of character. That thing. They all say… The speak about this thing character as if it’s some that’s intrinsic. It’s not. It’s something that’s gathered from everything you go through. It’s not even built… It’s those bits and pieces… Those struggles you’ve gone through. That’s what grows that persona into existence. Because that’s all it is, a mirage, a facade really. It’s a way you go through life, through everything you do. And along that way you learn how to go through these things. With a smile, with a grin, with a frown, with whatever’s necessary for that moment.
Well. Kinda sucked this. Fucked it up. Don’t know…
It’s always the same thing… Always the same mindless spiral. Going somewhere yet We’re not.
It’s like, We can sit here all the time. That’s it. Today’s different, tomorrow will hit different. Hella different. We gotta make sure of that.
It’s like We already know all this damn stuff. All this shit’s already in Us, and it’s like We’re figuring this out. Like, along the way. It’s all along the way. It’s all out there.
Are We really gonna go somewhere, or, are We gonna continue wasting time. Though did We really. Sure, We weren’t creating, though We did get some insight…
Honestly man. It’s all bullshit. Our shit, their shit, everybody’s shit. That’s the fun part about it. Most of them really don’t get it. Think they can’t fucking hear themselves. But We do hear them load and clear. And honestly. It’s annoying the fuck out of Us. If We’re honest about it. That’s just the truth. Does it make Us a bad person, does it make Us a nasty human. Who the fuck knows. All We know is that shit’s on repeat.
Well. Guess We’ll start a new one. Short one. Just a bit and then We’re done for the day.
August 1
00:43
It’s always like this. That’s why We’re here now. Doing this. But are We gonna do this, or just repeat the same cycle all over. Like… We know We can get out, it’s Us that’s keeping Us here. Nobody else. It’s Us. All that time, all those opportunities. We wasted them, We threw them in the trash. And now We’re here, and it does feel like We’re stuck, but that’s just the mind trying to cope with the fact that there’s just such an amount of volume, as in work, that’s required of Us… It’s like, practically inhuman. But if that’s what it takes then that’s what We’ll have to give. We’ll have to give it all. And all isn’t every second, but it does come close to every second. Look at that clock man. Look at that fucking clock. It’s a quarter to one. Gotta get some shut-eye. Pretty soon. Gonna have to win again tomorrow. Against ourself. That’s all. There’s nobody else in this race. Nobody…
12:36
It’s that same god damn thing again. Hey. We’re earlier than last Saturday… Shut up. Shut the fuck up. And fix this shit. You can’t fix today, today’s already fucked up, and that’s on you. You could’ve felt soggy and sore, and tired, and whatever… Oh wait. How do you feel at the moment. This shit ain’t gonna change with a nine hour rest. That’s waaaaay too late. It’s waaaay to late for that shit.
But like We said… Can’t fix that clock today. Gotta do our best as soon as the next opportunity arrives. Which is every damn morning.
Still feels like you don’t care about yourself. Feels like you don’t give a shit whether you manage to get out of this slump or not. It really feels like this crap. And that’s sad. It really is sad. Sad that you’re letting it go this far every time. Because it’s somewhat of an easy fix. Just grow a pair and get the fuck out of bed. That’s how easy it really is. Don’t just lie around. Don’t just waste that damn time beneath the covers. Just get up and get after it. If you’ve got time after all is done then a nap could be granted. But if that isn’t the case, well… That means you’re just screwed. And getting up early on a Saturday should at least be like nine, close to nine thirty as its latest. That’s it. And We should hold ourself to that. Sunday could be the same. Easily.
17:35
Balcony time…
It’s that time again… There’s hell to pay. Didn’t succeed at getting up early. These Saturdays be killing Us. That’s certain. They’ll probably keep on killing Us. We’ll have to put everything We have into this. Might be the next step.
Hey, We quit smoking. If we can do that, well… We can do anything. Wanted to say We’re not the guy to just quit smoking… But that shit ain’t true. We weren’t that guy. Now it’s a whole different story. It’s a whole different playing field. It’s Our game, Our life, Our board. They don’t know shit about this. They could understand where We’re coming from, and maybe the first steps of Our journey, but this place, this point. Not many souls reach this level of insanity, of madness. Driven focus. To always come back to this, whatever it is, good or bad. It doesn’t matter. None of it does.
It’s like the guy was saying yesterday. Here’s the place where We come to remind ourself, constantly build that narrative. It’s a powerful method. Because that one note stuck. About the smoking, where We said We could get some tobacco, maybe tomorrow, but not today. Not today. The same goes for rest, recovery, whatever… Maybe tomorrow, but never today.
22:38
These damn mosquitos. Damn fucking squitorns…
Well, We can write. We can smoke, We can do a lot of fucking things.
First the alarm. Nine twenty. We gotta do this shit. Gotta fucking do it. Can’t think of a reason yet. But guess that’s something We need in the morning, when that alarm goes off…
Now, kitchen and shit. Clean up this mess. Maybe talk. That’s an option. Just for a bit though, or maybe a long bit. Maybe that’s what We gotta do.
August 2
10:07
Well, We fucking did it. We did… Crazy right. Didn’t know it was possible… Now We do. Did believe We could still do it. It’s crazy how strong the mind can be. Also how weak it is at certain times.
So maybe, if We do things right, this could be a good day. Like big time… There’s no doubt about that. But then We have to nail it… Sorta.
It’s a weird thing. But hey… Here We are, doing it again. Proving ourself wrong. Showing ourself We’re not some loser punk. We aren’t… Just act like one sometimes. Used to be all the time. That’s changed now. Nothing’s the same except for a few bits and pieces. Can’t destroy yourself in a day, and you definitely won’t build another you in a month. This shit takes time. That’s what We’re sorta figuring out at the moment. Well… We got that figured out.
Oh. Remember yesterday. Sometimes do cut yourself some slack. Don’t always be that hard on yourself. It ain’t good. Do observe how you feel after doing particular things. Say for example playing a video game. Just know there’s nothing wrong with half an hour to an hour of gaming. Just don’t make it every day and don’t let your life revolve around that shit. But that goes for everything… Except for the thing you must, the thing that’s supposed to be yours. The thing that haunts you on a loop. Sleep, wake, eat, work, doesn’t matter. Doesn’t fucking matter where you are and what you’re doing. The shit that always comes back to you, that’s the thing, or things, that deserve all your time. It’s as simple as that.
16:46
Funny… Isn’t it. Now it turned into this. Fucking four hour nap shit… Just laying there and slowly dying. Always going straight back into that bullshit. Really don’t know man. Maybe We are dying, some sort of sick. Maybe We do got cancer. Maybe We’re really fucked. Just maybe. Can’t care to know. Can’t waste time on this shit. Just don’t let it drive Us into this corner. Don’t let it drag Us around. We really don’t know what We’re feeling. Really don’t know what’s happening. Really…
But understand… What you’re doing ain’t normal. This shit ain’t something random either. It’s a next level destructive routine that breaks down every part of your existence. That’s what that is. And We can’t win from this at the first attempt. Not just yet. That’s all. We gotta respect that.
Look man. We will find a way. And also. Think it’s this. Think it’s this thing where We’re trying to run from what has to be done. From this work here, and getting it out there. Getting it on the internet. We’re still afraid and unsure on what to do with it exactly. It’s a mess. It really is a mess. We’re still a mess… Though We’re slowly getting somewhere. We gotta go a little faster or We’re never gonna make it.
Why do We let it get to Us. The tiredness, the pain, the struggle. Whatever it is. Why do We let it get to Us.
Instead of getting up as fast as possible, nah… Let it drag out and out, and now We’re here, in the same fucking place as We always find ourself. And there’s nothing We can do about this shit because this shit’s time and with time one thing’s certain… All the time you squander is time lost and it’s never coming back. And that’s something We should care more about… And be more careful with. Because We only got so many weekends left in Our life, and We’re wasting them every time because the week killed Us just a little bit harder than We like. And sure… We lack a ton of sleep, We’re always working out, it’s the only damn thing We do. And this of course. And it kills Us time and time again, and We can never sleep for some reason. We can never sleep when We’ve gotta… So that gets Us in this place where exhaustion becomes the realest thing. Not many people will ever know this level of exhaustion. It’s practically going on for a year now. Often times where We only sleep three to four hours.
But fuck it. Gotta do what We gotta do. That’s that. We can bitch about this damn shit all day long, but if We don’t do something about Our situation, if We don’t find a way to change Our current flow into another more productive one, well… Then this shit’s just gonna stay the same, and it’s gonna be Our fault, our responsibility. We did this in the first place, so We gotta fix it. And if We don’t. Well. Then We’ll just stay here…
21:45
First it’s the breathing, then We’ll get to this thing here.
22:21
It’s like more than a half hour. That’s how long it took Us to get to this point. Sure, the breathing takes fifteen. A little over. But what’s with the other fifteen, a little over. Fuck.
Man, don’t bother. Don’t fucking bother your brain with these people. They’re not bad, they’re not worse, but they ain’t better either. They ain’t shit when it comes to the life you wish to live.
So… How We fixing this mess? How. Because We got ourself into this in the first place. Remember how you said you was gonna be shit. Remember how you said you was gonna get rich. Do whatever the fuck you want. All that foolish boyish bullshit. Now you know better, so maybe it is time to pursue that which you deserve. But then you gotta make yourself deserve that shit. They ain’t gonna give that shit for free.
So, how does one get people to empty their pockets and stuff it into yours. Because that’s what business is about, that’s what economy is all about.
You gotta provide something. But what are you willing to provide, and what does the market require at the moment.
These are some good questions. But how can one figure the answer to those. Because to Us it is also about what We’re willing to give, and that has to do with whatever We feel We love. Or like… Or however you wanna put that. It’s not so much passion. It’s more about that drive. What does drive Us, and what could drive Us down that path where We give a piece of ourself to everyone else. Those important bits that bring Us closer to what We think We should be, or what We think We could be. The latter is actually the best reflection of that notion.
The important bits that bring Us closer to what We think We could be. That’s actually powerful. Because there’s no set notion, there’s no mandatory achievement. There’s just the idea of how far can We go and what can We achieve. There’s room for everything, every possible outcome. Whatever it is, all is welcome.
Well, sleep tight punk. Gonna be a rough week probably. Don’t give a shit about that, just work hard. On the job, at this. With those workouts. Do your best and don’t let all that negative shit distract you.
August 3
06:18
Another Monday… Just one more time. Well… It’s always gonna be one more time until We fix this damn bullshit.
Don’t really know nor understand why We let it happen like this… Play out like this… And why We didn’t go after it before all this. Always afraid of something. Weren’t We. That much is clear, that much is true. It’s strange. Because that fear was so stupid. And here We are, stuck in a rut because We didn’t have the balls necessary to get out of this mess.
It’s Us. Always was and always will be. So it’s up to Us. That’s it. Whatever you feel like doing. That’s what you gotta do. You’re not necessarily gonna like whatever the fuck it is you’re doing. But that must be a part of doing something that goes beyond.
And in ways, We really don’t wanna do this. Because of that responsibility. The one none of them seems to take seriously. Because they thing it’s just do and cash in. Nah man. It’s not just do. People see this, children see this. So there’s a mandatory nature that needs a constant representation. And that’s humility and humbleness.
We’ll get back to this. Gotta go to that stinking job. That’s one.
07:29
It’s something in the regions of, We don’t really have to do shit. We can just sit here and await time until it reaches a point where We know it’s time to jump into that shower and get ready. That’s how We can do this. We can write a bit and then hop in that shower. That’s been on Our mind since before the run. Run was actually pretty nice. Strange. Think We sorta figured those ankle weights now. Didn’t have that much friction nor any snatching at the skin. Strange right. These weights ain’t so bad after all.
We’re pretty much done though. With all the bullshit. That everyday bullshit. That’s why We do those workouts and the running every day. It helps Us cope with the perpetuality of this madness. The way they cycle, circle and circle the same damn thing over and over, and they don’t even know they’re doing it. They just keep at it. Day in day out, hammering at something that’s just out of reach, out of their control. It’s useless to chase these things. Yet it seems to be their way of avoiding the real work, the real problem that requires some tinkering…
08:07
It’s that complaining. It bothers the fuck out of Us. Honestly. Like… Why? Why keep the mind busy with these types of things. Things you can’t do shit about. That’s the worst part. That’s like all there is to it.
We’ve been given this gift. This opportunity to really see what these types of people are made off, how they react, how they act. How they feel. Because with these people you can easily tell how they feel. It shows, their faces, their eyes, their verbal, their breathing.
Don’t know if the same thing goes for Us, can’t see ourself can We… But it’s apparent that most of these simpler minds don’t control their nature. But it’s not only the simpler minds. Even the complex ones can go out of order, out of bounds, once in a while. And with those complex ones the danger lies in how deep they go. If they go to deep they’re never coming back.
For the simpler ones it’s quite easy. Just a couple of tweaks here and there. The only hard part is the realization itself. To understand, to acknowledge the truth. That there’s something wrong with you. But to many it seems impossible… Doing such a thing, or is it allowing such a thing.
Strange…
Strange nature of existence.
Gotta make it more personal. Make this more self oriented instead of outward looking. But We need a particular reflection. Don’t label anything though. Don’t put a tag on people or events, or whatever. That leads to the negative outlook, that self-pity bullshit. That’s what keeps them… Probably. Can’t let that shit happen to Us any longer. It’s stupid. You know. It really is. That self-pity, that woe is me bullshit, it’s just a stupid way to get out of it. To not be held accountable. As if this shit’s happening to you. You’re the one making this shit happen. You are… So. If you don’t like this bullshit, then fucking do something about it. That’s it.
10:30
That particular thing. That sense, that nature… Why does it drag you in. The collective. Is it the societal structure. The need to belong. But We often don’t feel like We do… And often times We don’t feel the need to… But We cannot deny Our human nature. We cannot deny Our true sense. We are merely human, but We consist of a capacity to go beyond that humanity. In either direction though. Whether good or bad, according to public opinion that is, because We ourself try not to hold any opinions. Which is a hard thing to do. It’s like the hardest thing We’ve faced so far.
13:11
No opinion. That’s a tough one.
14:42
Short one, but maybe the best one. It’s all about the short ones… They’re clear… They’re honest.
Honesty. Honestly the most important thing in life. One of the hardest. And one will fail. Fail without a doubt. Because mastery of honesty is honestly the harshest. It means accountability with reflection, a certain openness without shame. A suffering without end. Because there’s no end to life… Just transition. You circle away from this existence. So, the suffering you carry now will aid you in the next heaven on earth. Paradise.
Honesty will give you paradise. A peaceful mind and a tranquil heart. It will grant you the truth to everything… It doesn’t really matter. None of it.
17:18
It’s true. Having no opinion is a tough one. And it’s not that they’re talking about having opinions about facts. It’s about opinions on other people. Opinions on what they do, how they do it, why they do it. So… Opinion actually means judgement. Have no judgement. That’s more like it. Well, for Us. It’s a big one for Us to work on. We try and try. You know. We really do. And We’ve got ninety-five percent of that shit nailed down. But it’s that five percent judgement that’s left. That’s a killer.
It’s hard to figure all this out. Because it’s not just this judgement piece. It’s much more than that. Life’s a tough mother to figure out. That goes for everyone, because everyone’s is different from the rest of course, that’s made obvious from the start.
Well. Fuck. Don’t know…
We’ve been handed this gift though. And there’s not even enough of it. We need more. A lot more. And they’re gonna hate Us for it. Because they will realize. Think the other guy’s starting to figure out something’s up. But he’ll never get what it is exactly. Too small minded which is an advantage to Us that’s beyond anything anyone will ever have.
We’re a particular piece of shit, that’s true. That game We play. Always played it, but now it has gained a sophistication that takes Us to another level. They’ll never catch on. The way We drag out these emotions, the way We play those chemicals all day long to tweak and pull at their state of mind. Well, they do most of the work for Us. That’s what makes it so easy. But just start with a certain sentence and you’ve got them by the balls, they’re spiralling into this madness about some topic that really bothers them, or interests them. Can go both ways, and there are more ways.
It’s a fun game to pass the time, and slowly but surely We are unraveling the psychology of certain human behaviors. Should write this down more often. Their manner, their body language, their whatever the fuck when they get all riled up in some shit that doesn’t even matter.
August 4
00:00
We even got those damn numbers in. Only got five hours and forty minutes of sleep left. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t. You don’t want this. This is for whoever comes across this note to self. Sure thing We’re talking to ourself, but whoever finds this should realize not to do this.
It’s past midnight. Gotta get up at five forty. Which is the later week. Next week We’re back to four forty. That’s gonna suck. Only for three days though. Then it’s hundred K time. Gonna run this walking event. Just you know. Because We can.
So that’s why We say, don’t fucking do this. Don’t. It’s not smart. We should at least be sleeping like… Sevenish. Don’t know. Don’t really care. This is what it is, this is what We get. Don’t fucking do it. You’ll probably die, sooner or later. We might die sooner or later… But for some reason We just won’t. Our stomach’s been fucked for years. Had a big issue with it during corona times. Never went for a check up. Eventually they had Our blood at an institute, said everything seemed okay. So yeah… Should be alright then. Wasn’t really the stomach they were testing though. Did give ’em Our shit.
Now it’s more complicated because We got all these injuries and the lack of sleep, and the constant bloating and farting, and aches. Oh the fucking aches. Cramps… It’s all fun actually. Because finally We’re going there, to that grave. Getting closer and closer. So yeah. Let’s have some fucking fun. That’s all We can say for now.
Don’t do this. We’ll do it for you so you don’t have to… That’s what’s up.
06:18
Three hours and seventeen minutes of sleep. One hour and twenty-one minutes awake in between. Chopped up…
Man… Told you not to do this already. Gonna tell you again though. Don’t do this shit. Already got that twenty minute morning workout in the bag. Gonna prepare for work soon, grab the food, grab the backpack. Put on those running clothes and get jogging.
Probably gonna pass out on the job. Got some things to do though. So can’t waste too much time napping and shit. Maybe a little one. We’ll see…
They always act like you shouldn’t do such a thing. What if that shit boosts productivity. Like overall productive nature of a day or a week even. Then that would mean more shit got done because some people took the time to admit they were a little foggy in the head. Not all there. Whatever.
Well… We’re just not gonna care about any of it any longer. That’s that. We got this shit here that needs some worry, some meditation, some attention. Whatever. This shit’s important. More important than anything else. Well. Still gotta do the job We’re doing right now… But it doesn’t require all of Us because it’s not what We wanna do. What We wanna do is something entirely different. But there ain’t no way for Us to chase that fully from the get go. Well. We could’ve if We started sooner, if We got after it sooner. But now, these responsibilities We have… We can no longer outrun them. That’s certain.
07:33
Got that shit in the bag. Another run done. That’s how We roll.
Fuck this shit though. Here on the job now. We can do what We want, though We got two things to work on. Clean the damn terrain, clean that damn filter in the back. There’s work and work. Nobody else’s gonna do the work so… Let’s do the fucking work. It’s important, ya know. The work is everything, but not this work. Doing that work though makes sure We do this work. That’s certain in a sense. Because, doing something you hate makes doing something you love that much easier. Don’t know if We really love this. Think We fucking do. Think We always did, just never understood what it was.
It’s hard for Us to understand things, always has been, always will be… Don’t hate it though. Embrace that shit with all you’ve got. And learn. Keep on learning. That’s all that matter. Learn and then apply.
The faster We do shit, well. The better… But some things can’t be rushed, so guess We’re stuck here for a while.
Gotta put everything on the line though. Otherwise nothing’s gonna happen. Think that’s the moest honest question and the most humbling answer. Did you leave everything on the board. If not… Go at it again. If you did, then keep doing that until it works.
Most of Our time, Our past years, well, We fucking didn’t. Now’s a different story though We’re not there yet completely. We can get to that point, but for someone like Us this shit takes a while.
10:14
Got a sliver of time to devote here. That’s the nasty part about this job. Wanna do something. Yeah. You ain’t gonna do shit. Because here comes the army, the legion of sporadic garbage trucks and container trucks all lining up to either get in, or get the fuck out. That’s a mess. Not many know the mess, well, this type of mess.
Let’s get this shit started…
11:19
It’s like this. Like that. And, like so. It’s like everything. But they take it to heart. We’ve learned that taking it in any form is stupid. Just let it slide.
This’ it. A moment to let slide. That’s all it is. We’re here now. All of them over there. Got a coupl minutes to ourself. With a little bit of luck that is. Here, in this place, you never know. That’s why We gotta get better at this typing thing. Faster, more accurate. The less mistakes We make, the better. That’s that…
There’s this land. An eternal plane without borders. It’s that internal retreat. That place one can venture if, and only if, he’s in a way satisfied with himself.
That’s a weird thing to say, sorta. It’s not really self-explanatory. But harder to explain than to just let it sit there and become logical, become understood after a couple more paragraphs.
12:25
When a man is satisfied with himself. It’s not to satisfy himself. It’s not to satisfy a need. Not fulfill any dreams. Nothing to do with achievement. It has zero to do with goals, or the accomplishment of those.
How many of us still linger in this simple pattern of seeking happiness in other things. When happiness is something inside
14:50
Now time has passed Us drastically. Is that even a way to phrase it. Maybe not. Though it is the way We wish to say this thing. Time did pass Us, and other than bullshit, slump around, and look over a couple things… We didn’t really do shit. Can We do shit at the job that doesn’t have to do with the job necessarily. Like this, the writing. Some reading wouldn’t be all that bad. Gotta figure out what though. It’s hard to figure out anything these days. Is it Us, or is it the state We’re in, like the state of being. How tired We are. Shit like that.
14:56
’nuff said.,’
15:54
We’re gonna wreck this shit. We really will. Well…
You know. You know exactly how that shit goes. If you don’t do a thing, they’ll have something to say. And even if you do everything, they’ll still have something to say. They will always have something to say. Always. Without a doubt.
It’s in their nature. So. Do reveal your nature to them. Reveal your true nature and show them what’s what. But they won’t see… They will not see this thing. They cannot see this thing. Because if they do then what they’d have to admit is something that goes way beyond what their ego allows them to do. So let’s fucking do it. Let’s fucking do it.
Oh yeah, fuck that other guy though. He don’t deserve shit, but We’ll clean those machines. We’ll get the job done. And if he dare say something then he’s gonna get some in return. That’s the only way to teach that guy. That’s why We suggest taking pictures of your work. Definitely take pictures of your work. Every now and then of course.
17:24
Let’s go full mayhem on this shit. Let’s go full demon. Every single day. Every step of the way. Let’s leave ’em behind. They wanna act tough, they wanna act like they do shit, like they go hard. Like they’re the shit.
Let’s show ’em what that means. They don’t know shit. They don’t even know a smidge of shit about it.
Fuck. Why does it bother Us this much? Strange right. Never did before. This really is the first time it bothers Us so much. Maybe because once We did die for the job, We did go hard. Then Our dreams got killed and Our spirit vanished, Our drive withered, Our dedication corrupted.
Now… Well, We’re slowly getting that shit back. In a different way though. The old one didn’t work, otherwise there wouldn’t have been this big issue, this big breakdown. Almost had something like a burnout. It wasn’t a burnout. It was total loss of interest in living on through this bullshit they call life. They call life… That’s the important part. This ain’t life. We’re gonna get to what life really is and leave these motherfuckers behind. Man… Even the famous, even the rich, even the top… Every motherfucker in this country is close minded. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but they will not allow that extraordinary thing to occur. To unfold. We’ve seen many a mind shackled by this society of small thinking complainers. Yeah, that’s all we are. Complainers. Always complaining. That’s what We do here. Everyone’s complaining about something. Gotta stop doing that shit. Well, at least Us. We gotta stop doing that shit.
Even this bit here now sounds as complaining to Us and We’re just stating facts. Fuck… It’s all complaining. So how do We get rid of that mind. That complaining nature. How…
20:05
Well. We’ll do that shit because there’s nothing else to do at the moment. Every minute We get, every second We have at this is a gift. Every second We get where We can read. Another gift. And every second We can make sure they’ll feel even more like shit, well yeah, that’s prize money. The more We make ’em feel like shit the more their true nature will surface and all will become clear. The root of their character, the image of their facade. If by that time We can find a mirror to face that revelation, then We will break them completely.
But then again. Are We this kinda person. Would We really do this? Would We go to such lengths for something as stupid as reveal another person’s self to themselves. What benefits do We get from this. None… The only way to gain benefits is if We continue to reflect on everything We do and everything We are… Devoid of outside opinion and interference. Don’t ask for validation, don’t ask for approval. No one will like you, not a single person will acknowledge your work. Because the moment they do that is the moment they lose the war. That’s when they’ve gotta admit that there’s no competition to begin with and We’ve been on another level all along.
We gotta go harder. Everywhere. Here… There… Everywhere… It doesn’t matter what that shit is. We gotta outperform everyone around Us. And while they’re talking shit, you’re getting shit done. That’s it. Because you know. Everybody’s talking shit. They always talk about who they could’ve been, what they wanted to be, they’re never talking about who they are really. We were the same, exactly the same. And sometimes We get close to a relapse. But now, most of the time. We’re steady, no bullshit, no exaggeration, no nonsense. Nothing that’s not part of Our growth. And everything else is just small talk as they say. But We’re slowly dropping that shit. No need for any of that bullshit.
23:23
Damn We wrote some today. Funny… You know. We also did a lot today. Combined…
But it’s not enough. Tomorrow, We do that shit again. It’s actually helping. Because, We don’t wanna do it. We really don’t wanna do it. That’s the whole point about it.aybe We’ll have to do it the rest of Our life, because it’s exactly what We don’t wanna do. And still We’re doing it. And We’re doing it even more. And more, and more…
But still We venture for that external. Still We go there. Why? Why does it matter. Why can’t you just focus on the self. Why can’t you just stick with what you know. You. Us. We… That’s all. We need to get out of this. Not them. They don’t know anything else and never will. You do. You know about the world beyond. But you also understand the work it requires. The path it takes you down. It ain’t easy. You’re making ends meet here, so all the seconds you’ve got that ain’t spent on workouts, eating, or that stupid job, well. They gotta go here. And they really gotta go here. It’s within ourself. That’s it. It’s within these bones. The truth about our nature. What We must nurture, and what We must grow into existence. Our tree, our life. They don’t know shit about it.
Hey, this is it for today. Try to fuck those demons tonight, make those motherfuckers search for you under their beds. And make sure you get after it everyday from now on because they gonna hate even more. They hate already, but they’re gonna hate even more.
August 5
06:20
It’s simple. Just do it. Do the work, take the pictures, keep fucking quiet. Then pull them out when really necessary. Not in a bragging way. Just in a way to make sure that none of them can really say shit.
Don’t like this thing. But it is a good experiment. You know, figure out what they’ll do. Really wonder how they’ll react. It’s a funny experiment. Isn’t it.
Fuck that shit though. What about Us. Feeling good? Feeling good… Close to three hours and a half sleep. That’s decent, ain’t it… Don’t fucking care anymore. That’s what’s up. Could care you know. But that would just take from the little amount of energy We’ve got left.
Zoned out. Fucking zoning out a lot lately. Don’t know if it’s a bad thing or not. Well… Doesn’t sound healthy. But it’s that place where We go that concerns Us most. That dark place of negativity and revenge. It’s a weird thing. Don’t wanna go there, but We always do. It’s such a bad place. Then We stop ourself, that’s true, but by then it’s actually too late.
Look. Focus on the self. Don’t care about anyone else when it comes to this job and what you do. Let them sizzle in their own incompetence. Get better yourself, that’s the task. Do more of that hard shit. Do more of that nasty shit.
07:38
Gotta work hard. Gotta get it done. Do more work than anyone around you and surpassing is just a normality. Because it is the new norm. Going beyond. There’s no room for anything else…
Go beyond what you knew yesterday, and go beyond what could be today. That’s the life one must live. That’s the way one must live. To go beyond the self. Surpass the self. Allow the self to dissolve into existence. Into being. Into doing.
Funny how excruciating pains have become a habit We deal with as if it’s some itch that just won’t fade so you rub it instead of scratch it. Always teasing it still, just that little bit, though never provoking the worst.
Weird shit… Don’t know what that was
Hey. We’re weird shit right. So, might surface every now and then…
08:38
Okay. Let’s get this shit out of the way. That’s a first. Then We can move on to what’s important out there.
First of all, We really gotta try. Try and go beyond this shit. Who does what, who’s doing what, why does one do, all that type of bullshit. Yeah. It’s useless. Big-time… That’s for sure. Nothing else. You know. Nothing else matters. That’s that shit. That’s that one thing everyone can hold onto. We are drawn to this here. Nothing else matters except for this work. Fuck the job, fuck the paycheck, fuck the rent, fuck the neighbors, fuck everybody and everything. All that’s important lies within these lines here and the suffering out there.
Almost falling asleep. This shit’s crazy. Gotta start moving soon. That’s the only way. Need to finish the tea though. That’s a tough one. Gotta wait this long for anything.
Man We can’t even stay awake for just a couple seconds. We’re officially dying…
10:39
It’s like they say. We know exactly what to do…
And now, now reading seems an option.
14:58
Weren’t able to read. Got distracted by everything and everyone. Was a busy day in some ways. Strated slowly, though We had Our hands full with the extra job that became Our main job.
It’s always a bunch of shit with a bunch of crap. But We still gotta get it done. Still gotta fix that shit whether We like to or not. It’s not about Us. Never was, and that never will be. There’s no reason to make it about Us, no sense. That would be an ego driven decision, and those motherfuckers will drag you down a tunnel that’s infinite. A prison eternal. There’s no escape after that. Well. For some. If you’re lucky and figure out exactly how you can destroy the grasping hand of that darker side, that part of the ego that always infects and never fades. There’s a way, but sadly that’s a little different for everyone. For Us it was them streets. Roaming endlessly along avenues and walkways and slumping towards a demise while slowly realizing that nobody ever gave a fuck except for a select few who either need something or see something within you. But that last one occurs so little that it’s mainly someone who could use you, or better said, abuse you.
Why We know this, why We had to understand this… Well. We had to go down to the lowest form of societal being. That’s where We could find ourself first. Completely, metaphorically naked. And after that. Well. Hell. That’s all it was. One confrontation after the other. It was truly eye-opening. More so life changing than anything We’ve witnessed before..,
17:31
Is a little later than usual… Fuck. Might put on something other than music. Guess not.
Fucking WiFi’s acting up. Just outa range it seems.
Like Our goals, like Our dreams… Always just outa range. Too bad, too sad. Still gotta get after this shit. There’s no other way for Us to live this life. Remember earlier… Just before the balcony, or just before We got home. Not so long ago. We were running. We were getting it in, and that shit’s hurting, those shins are fractured, those ankles tight, those knees bent. There’s a lot that’s wrong at the moment. Still, still down there at that moment striking the pavement with each step and that grin got Us good. We thought to ourself, said to ourself. We never wanna stop. We no longer wanna stop this. It has to continue… No matter what. This shit’s too important. It goes beyond anything We’ve ever dreamt of, anything We’ve ever known or understood. We’re unraveling something that’s new to all of Us, and all of them soon enough.
August 6
00:01
Well. Guess it’s better now. Maybe because We’re constantly focusing on getting better now. Sort of… Don’t know. Thoughts creep in, seep through the cracks though they don’t stay around that long. We can’t bother. It’s just from on to the next. Damn… We gotta make this work. We’c’n make this work. We really got that potential deep within. Deep down at the bottom of this weak fragile bitch ass kid’s mental, there’s this ability for resilience beyond any perception’s capabilities. That’s that. It’s possible. But the work it takes goes to another level too. This ain’t no joke. If you want this, well, prepare your butt cheeks because they gonna get a whooping. That’s just how it is. There’s nothing else to do. And by the time you’re halfway starting, well, you’ll have forgotten all about these other motherfuckers and their bullshit. You’ll be to busy grinding your ass off, as they say, to keep th mind preoccupied with some bullshit about who did what, and who’s the best. And whatever. That sick game they play. It’s fun, sure. Because it’s easy. But it ain’t gonna help Us get what We want.
See how that narrative is changing all of a sudden. Strange right. It’s real strange. But they do say, write your grievances down, if only just once. It will cleanse it from your system. And it seems to be true. Because here We are, free of mind and working on ourself right before We’ll turn in.
Which is now. The time has come so let’s settle for a night. Tomorrow We’ll start again. Easy. Don’t.atter how lottle We sleep, how little We eat. None of that shit matters. See you tomorrow.
Wreck it every day…
06:21
Damn Thursdays. They always feel shit. They’re the worst. They really are. There’s nothing worse than a Thursday. But it’s just another Thursday. So guess We’ll pull through, won’t We. That’s all that matters. Pulling through.
We can… Easily. If We set Our mind to it. And it’s not that one must focus on the pulling through. It’s rather that you’ll have to focus on different tasks instead and try to achieve as many as you can. That seems to be the trick. Because once you sit down, well, that’s when you’re fucked. That’s when you’re truly fucked. And not just sit down. But really sit down and say, We’re done… Either out loud or internal. Doesn’t fucking matter. Once you do that you’re fucked.
Starting the day already wasted. And not from booze or anything else. High on that melatonin-cortisol mixture while testosterone is plummeting as We get closer towards a run that’s gonna ask everything from Us. That’s the funniest part. This shit’s every day. It just sits there, laughing at Us. The darkness We know We’ve got to face. It’s demanding beyond anything.
Let’s continue this mess on the job. Something before the shower. And try to do some bit not long after.
07:41
So, here We are. On the job. Recovery run in the bag. It’s all in the bag. Now We gotta figure out what to do on the job. That’s something to do when We’ve eaten and settled.
Yeah, harsh shit. Harsh everything. But We don’t care. Get it done. Get it all done. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s a lot of work, it’s hard work, it’s beyond anything. But it ain’t that big of a deal.
If your dreams, your goals, your achievements, are delusional. Because that’s what they always say. You’re a delusional piece of shit if you think that’s gonna work. Then isn’t the pain as much a delusion as everything else. It’s part of the dreams, it’s part of the goals, it’s a prerequisite for achievement.
Is this thing done on purpose
10:03
Is this thing done on purpose… Strange right. Don’t think there’s any other way to do it. Writing isn’t gonna happen magically. Is there a purpose behind all this. Not necessarily. It’s a strange thing. There’s a purpose, though the grand picture is never visible. Never clear. Language is a weird system of connection. Emotions are simple. Mad’s mad, happy’s happy, sad’s sad… Overjoyed, depressive, deluded, constipated… Whatever the fuck. But language. Damn. Language is intricate. It’s workings are not fully understood by any of us. That’s something We’re certain about. The madness behind the spoken and written word is beyond Our and any’s imagination.
12:25
Well. Guess We can make room for more. A space for different… That’s the only way.
Eyes open. Eyes shut. Eyelids falling. Free-fall, endless… There’s no bottom to this abyss. Forever more. Naps and naps. Sleeping and not so much sleeping. Tossing and turning. Beneath and above, blankets. Fuck that pillow, grab it back.
There’s nothing, except for death. The destroyer
13:17
Work, read, write.
15:07
We need this. We need this more than anything. Gotta move around though. A lot more. Funny how We nod off the moment We start writing. It’s really something.
Fuck. Real hard work. Does a thing like that exist? Does anyone work real hard?
So. Here We are. Gotta find that room in between distraction. You know, put shit down. Just get shit down. Get that voice flowing. Give it a particular resonance. The only way We know. Grind it out. Word for word, line after line. We gotta do this.
We gotta do a lot more than this. There’s a ton of work. So much in fact that it’s unreasonable not to do it. It’s mainly due to Us not doing the work in the first place all these years that have passed Us by. It’s sickening… Especially once you realize who’s really accountable for that shit. That’s a harsh reality. Because most of the fucking times it’s not even your fault to begin with. But that doesn’t grant immunity against the real life that you’re living. And this is something We can say to ourself too.
Well, in all honesty. We’re fucked, whatever We try or do. We’ll always be fucked.
17:30
Recorded some shit. Talked for way longer though. Was about an hour to hour and fifteen minutes. Funny. Only got twenty minutes on the phone, that’s all.
Balcony time though. That’s more important than anything else. Both the writing and the workouts We do here. They provide a particular groundwork for everything else. Well. They came forth from hours spent on this shit. On this mindset, on the notions, on the motions, the directions. Everywhere We went, it was always with a sense of purpose. Forever unaware though. Never did We understand this path We’re on… Might have it down now, bit it still wouldn’t be enough of an explanation. To simply say it’s about letting Us down, about disappointment. Well. That would be a kindergarten level explanation. There’s much more to it than We would allow Us to think. Can’t have that much flood the chamber of reflection and drown Our sense of self.
We know there’s a lot of work left. So much that it’s not even fun to talk about. It does make Us smile now and then. Because We know, We understand. Nobody, not everybody, but most-bodies, won’t do this shit. They will never go this far. Never. Able to push here, and then push a little further. And if We keep doing such, Our outcome will be legendary. Because We believe it’s possible.