July 24
06:22
Hey… Almost got to three hours of sleep. Awesome, right.
Really don’t know what the fuck’s up. It’s funny though that ever since We stopped smoking this shit became a bigger issue. Weird right…
Also got this buggy itching shit all over Our body all of a sudden. Started around Tuesday We guess, and like, it never really left. But it’s the worst when We’re in the bed at night. Maybe look into that. Is it a mosquito. Could fucking well be a damn mosquito.
Fuck this shit. Zoning out. Fucking tired man. But We gotta do what We gotta do. Make it fucking work.
Might’ve been a fucking mosquito though…
08:13
Too early… Maybe. Don’t know. Time rocks left and right. It’s always a tight schedule. Always…
What would it be like… Living like that. Knowing that everyday is wasted because someone not far from you is pushing it to the limit every day. What would that feel like. Feels like shit probably. Must really make ’em feel like shit. Well. Only one way to get rid of that notion.
Do the work… That’s how We got rid of the notion. That’s how We shifted Our narrative, altered Our mind, changed Our DNA. Suffering… That’s all it takes, an endless relentless never fading suffering. But they won’t know, they will never know… They can’t, only if they put in the same or even more work than the average ninety-nine.
Took naps for about an hour. Damn. That’s an awesome payday. Yeah. We take naps on the the job. Fuck this job. Hate this job with every atom of Our existence. So We’ll take them naps. Hope it’s gonna give Us room to work from home. To work while We’re home…
First gotta figure out what exactly it is We should work on. Ourself is something without a doubt. But hey, that’s an ongoing process without any real progress. It’s a daily reminder that eternity would be a curse.
13:00
Damn. Forgot all about this shit though. Gotta lock in. But hey, We worked hard… Sorta. Deserve another nap though.
Get after it again real soon.
Damn that guy was talented and worked his ass off too. Doesn’t matter who he is though. Wonder how many people will think about him in this way in the next half hour. A couple maybe… Some who might be poppin’ one of his songs.
It’s weekend. Again. Makes people happy… Doesn’t it. There’s nothing wrong with that. You know. We’re all fucked, whether you want to be or not. Doesn’t matter. That A-hole’s getting stretched out. Honestly. Most of Us are in this madness. And all that bullshit about success, and working hard, and getting somewhere. Yeah sure. Some might get shit together. But how many people remain unknown. And unknown for eternity. Not just unknown throughout their life.
That’s it. This ain’t a downer though. To Us this is an upper. Fuck all that bullshit. Just do you. This is it. This is life. We grabbed that snow shovel and started shoveling shredded bark and wood. About half a ton of that shit. It’s not much, it’s not even that hard. Though nobody else did it, nobody else is gonna do it. So if We don’t fucking do it, then it’s not happening. Just ain’t gonna happen.
That’s life. Same goes for this. Of nobody writes this shit down, and We don’t write this shit down, then, well… It’s never gonna happen. It must happen. It must evolve. Because this needs be. Fuck…
It’s all there is. It’s all We can do really. You know, when We sit here, wasting away, waiting for trucks to drive up on the scale. Get their weights logged, get these motherfuckers in the system. Trash here, trash there. Whatever the fuck. Push that shit together with the wheel loader. Whatever… It’s a day. Workout, run, run, workout, eat, eat, eat. But We don’t sleep much. Wonder if you do… Can’t seem to get that shit down, don’t know what it is. The sweats are gone though, sorta. Was hot so…
Fuck man. Wonder where you’re at. Not that physical place, don’t care. But that mental state. Are you turning around the itch that’s nagging your sense.
Let’s clean the desk. Shiiit, We wrote some bullshit down. Hey, keep it going though. Momentum…
14:50
Momentum…
Usually don’t start with another note’s ending. But hey. It’s a good one. Momentum. An important one. Gotta keep that shit up. That’s all We know though.
We’re in this mental spiral. Forever flowing about in circles… Always coming back to the same conclusions and what not.
Ey, fuck this shit though. That’s all We can say. Fuck it. It sucks. Never liked doing it. Probably never gonna like doing this shit. Well… Living this life. Not something for Us. But suicide ain’t an option. So… Yeah, We’re stuck in this bitch until time itself decides We deserve to leave.
Would be awesome though, you know, to finally see what’s on the other end. Maybe it is true. Maybe when you die, well, you just wake up. Somewhere else, somewhere different, and think to yourself, what a fucked up dream that was.
Then, if that might be the truth to all this, wouldn’t you want this dream to be the best one you’ve ever had. What would the best dream you’ve ever had look like. That’s a good fucking question, ain’t it.
Fuck man… We quit that shit for real. Now We know. Because there that question was, floating about Our mind, as he was pulling on the butt, inhaling, exhaling. We could’ve asked, without a problem We could have. But We didn’t. The notion surfaced, though before it reached those lips, We annihilated the ability to do so. Don’t really get how We did it. You know, people be talking bullshit, people be bitching, can’t fucking concentrate that great. Next time We’ll get deeper into that mess.
It’s funny though… You know. How all this works. At some moments We’re perfectly fine, but then those other moments creep up, and then swoop in, sort of overwhelming. It really is. Like, it feels a lot like a necessity. But then it passes, a lot like anything in life, it passes you by and you’re fine again.
It’s those habitual ones that kill most of the time. After the food, after the run. After the workouts. Those that really meant something, you know. Those are the hardest to ignore. Well, the hardest to forget about. Because they were potent in their own respect. All the others in between were fleeting. Nothing compared to the habitual ones.
It’s that shit now though. That voice trying to talk Us back into smoking…
July 25
00:35
You know…
We kinda feel bad for doing this. It’s like We don’t deserve to take a break. Like We don’t deserve to relax. That’s how it feels. We feel guilty about unwinding.
13:11
Fuck…
Still the same thing. Is it because We know, or like knowingly bring into existence… This issue at hand. The lack of sleep during the week and then when everything loosens up on a Friday and Saturday, We just can’t get up because the body is all messed up. How do We go from this weekly savage to a full-time savage.
That’s a good question. Ain’t it…
Well. Gotta get going though. Can’t waste too much time here. Gotta run, eat, hit the store, workout, eat, go to bed, practically. So yeah, that’s a nice day, ain’t it. It’s not. We can’t do shit. We just can’t do shit. This here’s Our life. For some fucked up reason We can’t fucking sleep when We have to, but whenever We don’t it’s a piece of cake. And then We don’t sleep properly, so We’re always tired, taking naps and shit, fucking up the sleep schedule even worse. It’s a damn cycle, and We fucking hate it. Just can’t seem to do shit about it.
22:20
Only one. We need more. Gotta put in the minutes later on. After the food. You know. Double check the kitchen, it’s probably okay. But We gotta double check.
You can unwind for a bit. But the food’s comin’ anyway. Ain’t got much time, never got much time. So We should create more time. But that’s gonna take time.
July 26
00:17
So yeah…
Here We are. In the darkness on a balcony. This ain’t Our home. We’re renting this bitch. The only thing in Our name is Our motorcycle. That’s it.
Are We proud of that. Don’t know. What We are proud of is the fact that We changed Our life so much in the last couple years. It’s unbelievable actually. Especially to Us, because We never really were this person. Or at least didn’t think We could be. Kept running from problems, and kept locking ourself up. That’s it. Now… Not so much. Now the that’s it is something We’re looking for religiously. But We’re still stuck on the most important part of this journey…
Why do We wanna do this. Why are We pursuing this particular thing. This mindset. What is it all for. Because this thing ain’t pleasant. This thing ain’t something you should aim for, you should live up to, you should praise…
It’s not something that’s just decided between breakfast and jacking off, you know. It really is something that’s thought out carefully. Because the cost is major. The price… No so much compared to the cost. Well… Fuck.
Think We’re gonna talk for a bit now. Then a moment of silence. Then… Probably bed time. Fuck.
And that’s the life. Didn’t do shit other than this. Didn’t do shit other than trying to improve and alter the impossible. That’s how they labeled that shit… Here We are, laying brick after brick. We’ll build that shit no doubt…
11:46
We’re back. Little bit better than yesterday. Still not how We like it. Gotta get around tenish. That’s a decent time. Still in that recovery space, but not so late that We gotta rush Our whole day and get all fucked up due to lack of time. Or at least lack of time to just sit around for a bit. Because sitting around for a bit, that’s also necessary. It’s more important than one can imagine. Sitting around, just sitting, not watching TikTok or the Gram. Not doing what We’re doing. Just sitting, doing nothing. Realizing that shit’s okay sometimes. Though also understanding that it won’t get you anywhere in the physical world. Only the mental and more so the spiritual. Once those are in line though, well, then you can take on anything. Any endeavor… Any mission. Anything…
15:59
It’s simple actually. You’re just wasting away hours of your life. It may be beneficial for longevity, and maintaining this crazy life where sleep is something that’s not often given. It is more of a demand than anything else. But hey, there’s other shit to do. So, sometimes, well, don’t think We got that wiggle room for Us to catch up on sleep. Don’t really feel that exists. Or, We should do as We say and get up straight away, don’t linger, don’t slumber. None of that shit.
Gotta make this thing into a reality, instead of always talking about it, always getting mad about it. Always feeling fucked up about it.
Stop doing that and do something about it. Find a fucking way.
20:52
What’s actually fucked up…
We can’t do this properly whilst stretching…
We can do this thing easily. If We really wanted to… Though it seems like We don’t. Well, that’s what it looks like. Maybe We’re still afraid of something. Maybe that’s what that shit is. Maybe We’re just lazy and deep down want that easy life, which is a hard life actually, because it will be filled with regret and what ifs. Both the positive and the negative ones. Fuck…
Do you wanna live that life, the one where regret haunts your every day drag through the regular comfort that’s provided by the simple life. Don’t really know. But do know that this shit’s boring and We gotta do some nasty shit to keep us going through this crap. Which is crazy. Because then that does mean We don’t want a regular life right. We want something that’s different from everybody else. Well, from the regular class of people. We do wanna be among that one percent of the one percent.
What it takes is everything. And there’s no room for compromise.
Now rest. Sleep tight and please let those demons bite. They might give you something useful…
July 27
05:21
Another Monday… Adding issues to the pile. Did something with my left pectoral region. Don’t know if it’s the muscle or something else. Maybe a tendon. Hope it fades. Well… By this afternoon though. It feels like pulling motions are no option, but hey. You know Us. Gotta watch out though, with what We do, seeing as We’re the machinist this week. Could fuck Us up even harder. Wouldn’t be surprised. Yeah. What a mess. Maybe it was just some cramping and this is an aftermath of that. Maybe it was a heart attack. Could be, would be fun. Because then up until now We survived that bitch. Crazy right.
Don’t fucking know what it is though. It’s annoying. But We’ll get out of this rut. Eventually. It has to happen. Couldn’t be otherwise. Eventually something must happen, you know. Otherwise We wouldn’t have held out this long to begin with. And the shit’s closer than you think, but We gotta work hard, and go way beyond.
08:47
Didn’t even get the time to write shit down. Crazy Monday… For sure. Gotta stay awake…
Don’t know about the smoking. Don’t fucking know. It sounds weak, it sounds bitchy. But it is something We’ve always done, something We’ve always lived with. It’s so weird. All those moments, you know, after a meal. After a run, after whatever… It’s always after something, or before something. Fuck…
11:39
Well. This shit is different. On that machinist shit. Ain’t got much time. Gotta find any opening possible.
Can’t find openings if the entire day’s filled with some bullshit where We spend all Our time on these damn machines. Fuck…
14:18
Well. Didn’t get all that much down on the notes. But hey. It’s about the message. And the message now is, We’ve worked hard on the job, because sometimes that’s necessary. Hate it… The job and all. But you gotta do that which you don’t like. That’s what gets you going. Or at least that’s what gets Us going.
On the shitter now, so yeah. Got some time to write. Ain’t got that much left though. It’s fucked up how fast it always goes, this thing We call time. Shouldn’t bother ourself with it though. It is what it is. Do what you gotta do, move on, and when the time comes, well, time comes… That’s it. That’s all it is. Fuck…
Don’t really care though, never did. About time. But in another way, it’s all We care about. Because We never make the time, never make the cut. We’re always one step behind. Probably something We fuck up every single time, but yeah… That’s what it is. And it’s annoying as fuck. It’s been this way Our entire life.
15:57
Fucked up the phone… Fuck.
Well. Gotta continue though. Gotta keep going, you know… Gotta fix it though. Really gotta get another tempered glass.
Everything else is fine though. Just kidding. Everything’s fucked up. The stomach’s acting up, don’t know why. The back as usual. The neck is pretty weird, might be why We’re having these out of body seconds. Both Achilles tendons are messed up. And today… Well… Today two things. We can add two things to that stupid list. The damn shin, the right one, all of a sudden. But that shit this morning… Still don’t understand, still don’t really know what it was. It was fucked up though. Almost felt like a heart attack. Not really sure what that feels like, though We would expect a heart attack to feel similar. Maybe it was just cramping of the pectoral.
Enough with the yammering though. What’s on the list. The to do list. Should keep doing this, this thing here, ya know. But slowly flow this towards a blog or whatever. Just make it into something… Make sure it gets out there. That’s the most important thing. Gotta at least start doing that by the end of August, let’s say the 21ste. That’s when We need to focus on putting this crap into a blog-like internet being so it can start living a life of its own. Always added upon with the madness of this existence.
Don’t really know what else to do, well, not just yet. Might come up when We get that blog thing rolling. We will figure that one out. Maybe it’s like another deadline thing. Like, by the 22nd of November, shit like that. Don’t know though. Let’s just focus on one thing right now. And that’s getting this shit pinned down and out there.
21:45
Gotta keep hammering at this. It’s the harshest thing We will ever do. We were never made for this. This wasn’t what was intended for Us. Still, We broke out. Yeah, We actually fucking did. It wasn’t easy. But at least We broke free from that mental spiral. That constant relapse into bad habits. That constant resurrection of madness to be chased.
Now We know, the madness should come to Us. The madness always comes to Us. Never the other way around. Well. We’re sorta chasing madness still, but it’s a different one compared to the one We would a couple years ago and every year prior.
Fuck…
This is it. Maybe. Maybe this is it, just maybe. It’s everything then. It’s all that matters then. Just the written word on the paper. And everyday notebook diary for everyone to see. But it’s not Our day, or how We felt. It’s just the random madness that came to mind. Which often times relates to or comes forth from what We did throughout the day or how We felt.
But We can’t lose focus. That’s all that matters. Because often times, still, even after all these months… We will lose focus, drifting on something irrelevant, something that might never come to pass. Still we linger on these thoughts like they’re yesterday’s events.
Weird shit…
Weirdest shit ever…
Gotta make something though. And this shit just might be it. Not necessarily this junk here. Just, the general everyday slur of words plastered along these notes… Whatever that may bring. It doesn’t matter what it is and what it becomes. As long as it’s Ours. That’s all…
July 28
05:20
Drank ma tea… It’s Tuesday. Already broken down completely. Only four hours, well, a little under four hours of sleep. Add that to the little under five from yesterday… We’re golden. This shit is insane. The length at which this has been dragging. It goes beyond. Even We never thought it possible. We never imagined this to be a path anyone could walk. Sure if it’s a week, sure a couple of months… Three, four maybe. But now We’re past a year. Started about May previous year. So here We are. July. Guess it’s time to die.
Well. Gotta keep going though. Gotta keep doing this thing. How will We ever figure out otherwise. We can’t if We ever quit. And We almost gave up. We almost did.
We almost fucking did quit. How sad. Good thing We fucking didn’t. We never quit believing in ourself though. We might’ve gone low, and almost out. But We never gave up on ourself. That’s one thing We can say.
We kicked so many of the bad habits now. It’s madness. We should do something with that and combine it with this. But how did We really do it? Well… We just fucking did. That’s the first step…
06:29
Gotta get something together at least. Can’t just post one thing and be like this is the shit. We need volume beyond anything.
How does one build an empire. It’s 7:25 on th clock. Or at least about to hit that shit. But by the time We’re starting this up again it will definitely be.
How does one build an empire? Can’t take shit from anybody. That’s for sure. Can’t start thinking about others, or their opinions, or their advice… What do you wanna do, what do you wanna be, what do you wanna represent. And most of all… Why. Why do you feel the need to do this.
What can be achieved through this? Can it help others? Are there any people out there with similar issues, similar set backs, struggles, whatever…
There’s so much We gotta learn, still, after all this time. But also, there’s not much to learn because most of it is bullshit. Stupidity that fades with time. Now they say this is the best phone, that is the best car, this is the best diet, follow this five step program to achieve the goals you never did… All that bullshit. And next week, next month, next year, it’s always some different bullshit that looks like an upgrade to the last shit but actually’s just the same crap in a different coat.
Don’t know what to say, really. We quit the smoking, funny thing… Feels like stupidity in and of itself. It’s strange that in Our own mind, in Our thoughts, We construct or always have constructed this idea that it’s cooler to maintain a particular amount than to ultimately quit. Because quitting’s easy. You just stop buying the damn things, the damn tobacco. That’s all you gotta do. But when you maintain, let’s say ten cigarettes a day when you used to smoke twenty to thirty. That’s real power. That in Our mind is real resilience. Maybe it’s an excuse We used to make, maybe We did it to keep smoking, and are doing it to get back to smoking. Don’t fucking know.
10:30
Get a new one started…
Figure out what to do every minute of the day.
Every damn minute of the fucking damned day. We need to figure this shit out. We gotta do it. We gotta fucking do it. Whatever it takes. We gotta do it. And what can We do… Other than this, other than the madness portrayed by digitalized ink. Fuck…
Stuck so bad. And there’s not even a shred of hope left, not even a sliver of reassurance. Nothing. Naked in the dark. All lonely, though never alone. Surrounded by demons shouting… They scream… The whisper… But they never provide Us with a clear answer. Only vague paths that lead to disappointment.
Damn these days. Maybe We do need more of those, because of its growth factor. The revelations hidden within these confrontations.
It’s a damn mess. Can’t take that mandatory shit. Gotta do it though. Gotta fucking do it. Can’t really leave otherwise. Maybe We can. Don’t know. Life could change… Well, We changed habits. So…
14:16
Get this thing going again. Fuck. Wasting time on the Jhon. Means We can write though. That’s a good thing ain’t it.
Fuck the job though. Always fuck the job. This shit ain’t worth anything. That’s what’s up really. That’s what’s bothering Us so much lately. Now that We’re here and doing this thing like they always said We should, We realize what it really is… Just a waste of fucking time. But We gotta pay rent. Gotta pay fucking rent. Gotta get that fucking food… Gotta get a lot of shit. That’s simple.
16:02
Here on that damn balcony again.
Always on that damn balcony. Not always sweating like a pig though. But today. Well. Today We’s gon’ sweat again. Already running down. Already leaking everywhere. Fuck this shit. Gotta get it in though. Gotta get it in real good. Because all those bitches with all their bullshit, and all their excuses, and whatever they fuck they can conjure up. They ain’t gonna do this shit.
Don’t wanna go there though. Don’t wanna be Negative Nelly. Let’s try and be Positive Peter. To all those hard motherfuckers out there doing shit in this type of weather. All of us mad as fuck. But that’s the only way. It’s the only thing that matters. Let those simple people, those praisers of comfort and relaxation fade away in their sofas and sip on their brews, and watch their Flix. Fuck them. Let them go weak while We only get harder and harder. That’s all that matters.
Don’t know though man. Don’t really know how to do this thing. Because most, well… We don’t wanna go that route, don’t wanna walk down that path where We look to others and base Our structure on their progress. That’s just stupid. But knowing what they do, what We’re planning is a total opposite. It’s not even opposites, it’s an entire different field.
Strange right.
20:07
Don’t know man. Kinda fucked here. It sounds weak to go and get tobacco. But then again that one reasoning doesn’t sound all too bad. Though it could be Us making excuses. We weren’t supposed to stop now though. It was supposed to happen after that damn 24hr event and at least before the year was out. But for some damn reason We rushed into this thing.
What’s funny though, We always said We would be the guy crossing that finish line to stuff a cigarette in Our mouth and smoke while people gaped and gazed. Fuck. Now that’s not the case any longer. Though We gotta look at that vision and realize where it really comes from.
But these are those reasons to go and get that shit. What are the reasons to not do it? Honestly… We don’t have many. The bloating didn’t fade or didn’t even get to be less, sometimes feels worse actually. The lungs are doing a bit better. The heart rate is down though. Not super, but still a lot compared to when We were smoking. Recovery doesn’t seem to be any better, and sleep… Don’t get Us started on that. Sleep’s actually worse. A lot worse. Or at least that’s what it feels like.
Still not gonna get it. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Hey, if We keep saying that shit. Then yeah… We know exactly where We’ll wind up. That’s this side of the coin. So make sure We don’t flip it. At least for now.
Let’s get ready though. Let’s get fucking ready. Clean this mess, stretch it out. Go to bed. Fuck…
21:12
A man who blames others has a long way to go…
A man who blames himself is halfway there…
A man who blames no one has already arrived!
-chinese proverb-
Powerful thing. Guess We might be stuck somewhere between the first and the second. Probably leaning closer to the second. Or is that something the ego wants Us to believe?
Gotta become a better person. Well, not so much that, though We gotta realize We can be that better person. We have that within Us. Because the world tried all it could and gave Us every reason to become a really bad person. A messed up monster.
See you tomorrow… Punk.
July 29
05:22
Maybe We gotta jump straight into this. That stupid Duolingo, you know, the math and shit. It’s good and all, but actually it’s just a waste of time. It’s just a waste of time. And We gotta kill off everything that’s just a waste of time. Ain’t got no real use for these things. Even if they do increase cognitive development or whatever… We ain’t got no use for that. We gotta be stupid. Stupid on this bitch. There’s nothing else to do. Not now, not ever. This is it. You know. Just random lines in random notes in a random dude’s life with random mental issues and random aims for achievement… Everything is just random, you know. Just like life itself. It’s all fucking random.
That’s why We gotta do this. Because now it’s like this, but tomorrow it could be like something else entirely.
06:28
How can We get there? What’s required of Us as a man and as a human?
It’s that one thing. Can you focus on one thing. Because that’s all it takes. No distractions this time, no excuses, no bullshit. Just one thing. Get it done. That’s all. That’s all We need to do.
Easy is something else, so this must be hard. Never known easy, so then what is hard? What is it really. Because to its core it’s just perception, or based upon perception. A perspective, emotional connection to an event of sorts.
Time for a nap… Maybe. Haven’t had one so far. Heart attack… Maybe. Haven’t had a decent one so far… Sad. Reassuring but sad. Fucking bullshit keeps on going. Some day it’ll run out, but not just yet…
11:32
Now’s a time. Maybe… Who knows. First We eat.
Fuck. Well… Don’t bother yourself with such things. There’s no need to busy the mind with other people’s issues. If they can’t help themselves… Well… That’s their problem. Time will catch up and the mind will remain a weak link. Unable to solve anything because everything seems hard. Everything seems so much. While it’s actually nothing. It is easy. It is exactly what it is, nothing more, nothing less. The work is the work, the issues are the issues, the struggles, the struggles, the pain… Just the pain.
But most will never figure, because it’s obvious they can’t help themselves.
13:39
It’s like, why even bother… Why? Because they say so. Because they think they know. They don’t know shit.
Always bitching and whining. That’s all they ever do. Complaining. All they good at. Never see them do shit though.
See, but then it’s bothering you again, is it not. Leave it be. Let it go. Just go about your day.
It’s the perfect test. Gotta get better at this shit. Ignoring their bullshit. That’s all that works. Fuck this job. Fuck their bullshit. Fuck whatever. Really, fuck it.
Can’t seem to take a shit. Seems to be stuck…
Fuuuuuck…
Know exactly why. It’s these people’s bullshit.
16:13
Well… Fuck…
Guess that shit sticks. Why does it stick like this? It’s strange, isn’t it. Especially because We know We shouldn’t care… Shouldn’t stuff Our mind with this shit.
All that shit. You know. Fuck all that shit. Get better, get something going for you, fall back on that shit. That’s all that matters. The sooner the better. And if We focus, if We invest ourself into this… Then We might make something out of this mess. It’s that simple though.
Fucked up, ain’t it. It’s always been shit like this that held Us back, always shit like this that made Us feel like a punk, a loser, always shit like this that got Us fucked up, riled up, not thinking about what’s important but more about what they thought. Or why, or if it was true.
Fuck all of that. Man. Maybe it’s exactly the reason why We can do this, why We can build something they never could.
It’s funny, but it’s true. People that think they’re working harder than ever are usually mediocre motherfuckers, and those that always think they’re under performing… Well. Fill in the damn blank if you know. And there’s only one way to know for sure. But We get up every day thinking We haven’t done enough, and by the time We go to bed that feeling shrank an inch or two. But never the whole hundred. And every morning it’s back to that hundred. Fuck man… Fuck…
Because it’s never gonna be enough.
Really need to get this thing figured out. So… Become focused, even amongst the loudest and most distracting conditions.
Not so much today, still got some time left. So hurry up and get the fuck after this shit.
22:16
Damn. Get one going. The last one for this Wednesday. Hell of a day. A lot to gain here. So much to gain. All that negativity is finally reaching through and annoying the fuck out of Us. Maybe it’s that We stopped smoking. Maybe… Don’t know. It’s just… Fuck that shit. Right. Fuck all that negative talk about others, about the company, about anything. Don’t fucking care about the job, but at least We’re not talking about all them other idiots.
Fuck. Gotta focus though. We’re sorta forming an idea. Hope it’s true though, this time. Hope this time We really figure this mess and mold it into something that’s useful. For Us and for others. That’s the whole point. But who do We wanna make it for. What kind of person would benefit from this? Definitely a younger version of Us. But will they buy into this, because all they would want is money… And honestly We want that money too, though in a different way as We did eight to ten years ago.
Maybe Our current self is in need of help still. Probably. You’re never done to begin with… So, always room for a little bit of progress. And We say a little bit because that’s how it goes. Never gigantic chunks of improvement. Just small steps in the pattern of thoughts and from there it slowly moves to become something else than it was before.
We’ll see ya tomorrow punk. It’s late enough, and We got a tough day tomorrow. Sleep tight, and deep. Fuck those idiots and their bullshit. Maybe meditate on that shit, but don’t let it stick. Practice the letting go…
July 30
05:20
Last day of this section. Want to have another mindset by the next section. Because this can’t last mich longer. You’re going nowhere like this.
It doesn’t matter what they say, it doesn’t matter what they think. Just know… Understand… They will talk behind your back no matter what. They will do anything… And everything to make themselves feel better and pass the time. It’s Our national sport. Forget about football and beer. Fuck those things. Blaming others and talking down on others behind their back. It’s what everyone does here. This country is a piece of shit. It really is. And it’s sad. Gotta distance ourself from this mess. It’s not that hard… It’s actually quite simple. Just stop doing what they are doing. Just stop thinking like they are thinking. Stop going to that place of blame and start solely focusing on yourself. That’s all you can really. It’s all you can. You ain’t got control over anyone else. And it’s like We said. They’re gonna talk shit, they’re gonna think shit… They’re gonna have to do it. They must, otherwise their own incompetence surfaces and that’s something we can’t have happening… Right. That’s not so good, ain’t it.
07:14
Why try to be praised for this shit. This stupid job is just a means to an end. That’s all it is. So. If We’re in any way unhappy, well… Then it’s mainly due to this shit.
But why… Why would you want praise. Why would you want anything from them. They’re not your audience… They’re not your pals. They’re nothing you wish to be, so why… Why would you take anything they say or do personal.
This is fun though. We’re starting to realize, truly… The reason for Our path. Sad that We didn’t get it down earlier.
All this bitching and whining, all those comments, all those snares and remarks. All of it… One big lesson for the future self. To understand, to truly see that it doesn’t matter. It never does, and it never did. None of it. But We couldn’t see that. We couldn’t see beyond that self, beyond that “ego”.
14:18
Didn’t write all that much. Fucked up, ain’t it. But We worked… Did shit on the job. Gonna do a lot more shit on the job, because it’s that shit on the job. And it’s gonna get people mad. Real mad. Believe Us. This shit’s gonna get people mad. All of it… Doing all of it. That’s all that matters. Really doing everything. Like, do everything. Go back to doing everything.
16:11
Hey, We’re on that balcony and shit. Here’s where We do it. Here’s where We build it. Here’s where We really work. Did work already. Did do a lot of shit on the job. But We’re gonna use that shit to create something that none who’ve worked there or still do have ever seen before. A monster. Let’s become a monster. Here, there, everywhere. With everything We do. Ask yourself. How can We get better? How can We leave more on the table. How can We become that one guy no one can shut up about. Either good or bad, whatever they’re saying, it doesn’t matter. How can you become that one guy who works his ass off and accumulates even more work worth than three people together.
That’s it… We’re talking volume here. Volume is all that matters. Bit volume is done in steps, not all at once. A powerlifter goes for a couple second, and still an amazing achievement, We wanna go for a billion seconds and never have to wonder when the shit’s gonna end. That’s all which matters, truly… It’s all that’s real.
We know for a fact, that’s what’s on a lot of people’s minds. The end of the week, the end of that bad luck, the end of the day. The end of their fucking life. That’s all that’s on their minds, and that they’ve done more than anybody else, and that they’re better, and worth more, and they’re being fucked, and they have to do everything themselves.
We know this, because We were the same, but now We’re breaking free. Easy. It’s a simple thing. Just realize it doesn’t matter. None of it. Doesn’t fucking matter. All of it’s just some bullshit. All of it. But you gotta do it. Because nobody else is gonna take responsibility nor accountability.
19:37
Overcome “You Fear”
(Afraid of what you can be)
22:16
Funny…
Almost forgot about this shit. Still building it into a habit. Sure seems like it. Couldn’t get much done today on the writing notes and shit. Did a lot out there today. Did so fucking much We know We can do more. We can do a lot more.
And We’re gonna do more. We’re gonna do so much… Like go beyond everything and anything. Well… Let’s become a better person. Let’s become ourself completely. Like, the one We are here, that’s the one We should be out there. That guy… Everybody knows, and everybody’s gonna talk shit, because that’s all they can hoping to crush Us or bring Us down to their level. But this shit’s not gonna fly any longer. The jet has landed, and all directions are open. Any destination is possible. We know exactly what to do now. Go back to being that observant motherfucker. You actually are already on route to that place, but to become that which you once were a lot has to change. A lot really has to change. Especially quiet down. All those thoughts of self absorbed ego driven reflection. It’s useless. It’s all useless. Now…
Gotta reflect, but not on anything they’re talking about.