July 10
05:23
It felt early. But now it doesn’t look that way anymore. Maybe We fucked up somewhere. Maybe it’s just time. Who knows. Time’s tricky nonetheless. You’re always running out of time, though you’re never gaining any. Not even a second. Doesn’t matter who you are nor what you do. You’re fucked either way.
Could manage the thing more properly. That’s one thing you could. Though learning all about time management seems to Us a waste of time. Because when you’re learning about the shit you’re wasting time to begin with. You know. You could be doing something productive in the meanwhile.
Don’t know. Could be wrong about this shit…
Could be wrong about many a thing.
08:10
Shit keeps piling up. Shit’s gonna pile up. Shit’s gonna be outside. This shit keeps going and going. Nothing changes. Everything keeps going the same way, into the canyon. All the way down. But this shit’s good. This shit’s necessary. It’s a test of time, a test of intellect. A test of resilience.
To some this shit is impossible. To Us it’s quite different though. There’s always a way. Always… But We’re stuck behind this damn desk. Can’t fix shit from here. So what… What is it We can do.
15:01
Didn’t get much time to jot down some shit. Now’s the time then… Guess so. Not sure. Gonna take a shit, most definitely.
There’s this idea. This notion… Something stirs. All of that shit swirls, it’s one big bowl of madness. Nothing is straight, though the crooked ain’t round. It’s squared. Always squared. But never squared away.
Sometimes it’s hard to write shit. Don’t know exactly why. But these sensations ain’t that simple to put into words. Maybe We lack the vocabulary, but there’s also a shortage when it comes to explanations for these insane notions. Probably the lack… But nobody’s ever been down this rabbit hole for this long. That’s one thing We’re certain about. This is Our rabbit hole. Not many would survive. They would commit to that end. The bargain. A life for peace. There’s no peace for Us. There’s never gonna be anything close to that. It’s always this madness. Neverending whispers of insanity expanding. Always. Forever more…
17:30
Another Friday in the bag. Still need to pop those workouts. That’s the last battle. Then it’s cruise mode. We always make it. Though every time it’s barely. Always barely. Maybe it’s the mind playing tricks. The mind be doing that. A lot of the times, that’s obvious now. Don’t trust that motherfucker. Don’t…
Devious like a woman. Legs wide like open arms. Welcoming. Welcoming you into the trap of comfort. Satisfaction… Release. Relieving you from all the responsibility. All that accountability. And there’s a lot of that to go around. There’s so much of it this shit ain’t even funny.
Fuck man. Guess this is it. The writing… Though if We want it to be something. Then We gotta up Our game. Or at least the knowledge behind the game.
It’s not about making this fancy, or using fancy words nobody ever touches on. This must become as simple as possible. Straightforward language. Though the meaning buried within these lines is never easy to unravel. It never should.
Most of the times it shouldn’t even make sense. Because this life, Our life, everybody’s… It doesn’t matter, none of it makes any sense. And if you claim yours does, or claim you have some profound knowledge. Well. Then you’re just full of shit. And a gigantic pile at that. It can’t make sense because it’s a collective. And without all the pieces of the puzzle locked into place, well, there just ain’t no figuring this.
We respect science, We understand it’s necessary for advancement of Our species. Won’t claim it should be thrown into the bin. That’s stupid. But never, never once in your life should you take any of the sciences seriously. These things have been debunked and disproven over and over there’s a clear revelation behind all of it. Science is what We think is true at the moment. That’s all it is. Without the full set of numbers, nothing is certain.
Never will. Because We won’t outlast the process. We’ll wither before all is uncovered. But like we will find ancient species’ knowledge. Others will come across that of our own long after we’re gone. This shit will happen. It is destined to happen. Maybe not tomorrow. But in a thousand years from now, well… Who knows.
There’s a lot for Us to do. We’ve got all this madness within Our brain. Unleash that shit on digitalized notes. Unravel the knot of insanity and figure out what’s hidden beneath all that chaos. A lot of order, no doubt about that. It’s order in the chaos as they say. Too big to be understood. But once it comes together with the madness all these other idiots possess, well… Then we’re golden. It’s up to Us though. Many forms of insanity have been brought into view. But Ours has not been represented by any person out there. That’s why We must do it. That’s why We must preach Our practice. Though to put this thing into words is something nasty, something that’s beyond even Our own capabilities at this particular moment. That’s why We must grow it. Every day. It’s the only thing that matters. Writing, speaking. We must abuse this ability to ponder in such a chaotic way linking everything together eventually.
We’ll return. Maybe soon, maybe later. Don’t know.
23:45
Fucking full. That’s for sure. Good shit.
It’s late. Better get to bed on time. ‘Sgonna suck anyway. Hope We can sleep some. Hope it’s some good shit.
Always broken. Every damn Friday. Might win that battle tomorrow. But We probably won’t. Don’t wanna say that shit, but usually it’s the truth.
July 11
00:30
It’s like this. Always like this. Never anything else. Gotta get to bed. As fast as possible. Hope she doesn’t get home before. But she might. This peace and quiet does good. Clears the mind. Makes room for those chaotic thoughts to erupt.
So exactly as We thought. She’s here. The peace is done. It’s weird, isn’t it. Just the thought of her saying something sort of interrupts this deep digging process… The excavation of madness. Why does it happen like this. Why is it always like this. Who knows, right. It’s the same with other places and people. It’s always the same. Can’t sit anywhere without being interrupted. Pulled back into this delusional real world.
Let Us sit in that pondering forever. That’s all We want. That’s all We need. To go deep down that rabbit hole and keep pulling these thoughts. Keep grabbing a hold of this insanity and unraveling its potential.
Time for bed. See you tomorrow. Punk.
13:58
So. What the fuck happened. Your think… What the fuck happened once again. Well, you can no doubt tell by the entry time on this note. It’s the first of the day. Almost 14 o’clock. Fuck that shit…
We’ve gotta change this shit. ASAP… It’s gotta change. It really has to. Man. We can’t keep living like this. We just can’t. We’re here though. Time and time again. Still haven’t made any progress it seems. Not a clue on what to do or pursue other than these workouts and shit. What can We do… Though We feel like We can’t keep asking the question, because if there was an answer We should’ve gotten it by now.
Don’t think there’s a real answer out there for Us. Nor inside. There just doesn’t seem to be a thing. It’s so hopeless. Such a nasty sense that swirls around the mind. It’s driving Us towards all this negative thinking, the place where one eventually hangs up the towel. Where they quit. Maybe We gotta push past this and something might be presented.
After all this time, We still ain’t got shit.
We could keep writing this type of shit down, but it hasn’t brought Us anything either. So what is it We must write. Where do We go with this. The narrative, the words. Whatever…
What is it that can give Us the clarity We need? The truth of course. Though what is the truth.
We’re not doing enough. Not yet at least. Workout wise sure. We’re going hard. It’s a strange schedule though. But work wise, like putting down Our mind and focusing on building something up. That’s a whole other story. We’re doing this more often, though if We don’t create it to be something, then much like the workouts it ain’t gonna do shit other than show Us who We’re not.
That’s all it’s showing Us right now. Who We are not, and who We could’ve been if We’d only started sooner. Better said, realized sooner that We weren’t doing shit. We’ve been down many roads, but none of them holds anything of value. Or what We perceive as valuable. The road We’re on now is different. But there’s no insight into reward. There doesn’t seem to be a reward in any stage of this path. The only thing granted is clarity on the self. Which is major, but it’s not gonna provide bread. Well… That’s what it seems like.
Guess We’re fucked. Never has been any different though.
15:27
Wish there was anything We could say. Maybe what We can say is Our mind ain’t there yet. Still get distracted too much. Or is it not distraction. Is it what’s necessary… Is that thought pattern necessary for Us to get where We wanna go? It’s a strange thing. Because We can’t see the point in all that external internal turmoil. It seems… Don’t even know what We should think about it. Looks like We want people to notice and at the same time don’t. Looks a lot like We want people to understand and at the same time never get it. Some might, some won’t, and a lot of them will keep guessing.
We run. And We workout, and We run. And We workout. And it keeps on going and going and going. Must make the body adapt. The body must get used to this torture. To this never ending cycle of exercise. No longer any room for comfort. That shit don’t exist…
17:48
So… Here We sit. Again. Getting ready for the workouts. Just means We’re smoking and going for a shit soon. Good thing We’ve built this into a habit now. Typing out this shit during these moments. Can’t know if it’ll ever amount to anything. Doesn’t matter though. It’s for Us. It’s always for Us. That’s why We gotta create a certain post system where We put this down. But always keep in mind it’s for Us. It’s always for Us. Even though others might be able seeing this shit pop up now and then. And keep it raw, you know. Because that’s what nobody’s doing. They don’t keep it raw. It’s always manufactured, molded for clicks and likes and whatever. It’s not created, it’s staged… Not judgemental, just putting it as it is. Could as well get AI to do those things. Might stage it even better…
Just gotta do it. But then We need to understand certain things. How We create this layout. Probably every day is a separate chapter. Every note in one post and each divided by a title. Don’t really know the extent of rawness. Feels stupid leaving typos. Though typos happen, and We know not every sentence might sound correct or flow perfectly. That’s what it is.
The raw nature of this thing is what it’s about. And We start when We start. All this doesn’t need to go in there. Not just yet. But We can’t change the way we write these things down. Should keep in mind though it is written for the blog.
We can do this. We can fucking do this shit no doubt. Just gotta do it. Make it fucking work. And go damn deep. Deep into the pit of disaster and pain. Show the world they’re not alone.
23:42
Well. We might just fucking do it. We should fucking do it. It’s gonna be nasty. Definitely nasty. No doubt about that.
July 12
12:10
Well. Another sunday. Just another failure at getting up early. “Early”. We always seem to fail at this. Gotta find a reason that pops Us from that mattress and into action. During the week it’s not really an issue because We know that We ain’t got the time. But during the weekend, well… We got loads of time. If We wanna keep living like this. But it seems that deep down, We really don’t wanna live like this. Because it bothers the crap out of Us. It really does. Always angry, always let down by ourself. Always pondering about getting more, getting someplace different. That’s what bothers Us the most. Getting someplace different. Live a different life.
But what kind of life is that… We don’t know ourself. That’s funny. Ain’t it. Still don’t fucking know. After all this time still ain’t got a clue. Still ain’t got shit. We still ain’t got shit…
When are We gonna take this thing seriously. When are We gonna do something about it. That’s a good question. As long as We keep acting like this, well… Nothing will change and We’ll just remain here, stuck in a form of self pity and blaming.
We can blame everyone. But who’s to blame really. Who’s responsible for this shit really. And it’s not that We chose this path. We chose on of two, and each one led Us further down this path. It’s going deeper and deeper into a forest with no clear way out. But We don’t need a way out, We just need a way through. That’s all We need… A way through this mess.
Keep looking. Keep grinding. Keep getting after it. Eventually those answers will reveal themselves. Don’t matter how long it’ll take. We can handle this. We’ve been broken for so long. We can handle this shit…
14:28
This is all We can do. Workout, run, write, eat, nap, workout, write, eat, sleep, write, workout, run, workout, eat, nap, write… That’s it. That’s all We can do. So maybe it’s up to Us to become the best at this. The most efficient person to do this in the history of humanity, and its future.
You know. Keep hammering. Keep at it, all the time. Everytime. Every day… Every damn day again and again. Until We get it right.
17:23
Gonna start those workouts soon.
Man, We’ve been sweating Our ass of lately. Especially with the naps. It’s crazy. But it’s hot so understandable. Though it doesn’t really feel normal. Or at least that’s what We think about it. But hey. We’re sweating Our ass of right now just sitting on the balcony out back. Sun right on top of Our head. Probably still 32° Celsius. Yeah. It’s crazy. Real crazy. Don’t really know what to do with this…
Hey… We’re running out of tobacco. Probably not gonna buy any new packs. So when We run out We’re done. That’s it. Guess We just gotta do it that way. It’s only gonna suck for a couple a days, and that habit will bug Us for a about a month. That’s all. And honestly… The way Our life sucks now, this shit won’t be so hard. It’s just another thing We’ll have to deal with evey single day. That’s how that works. It’s gonna be particularly rough in these moments that lead up to the workouts. The moments before the runs, and especially after the runs. Those will definitely suck. Also after the workouts.
Actually pretty certain We’re gonna lose less time once We quit this nasty habit. Hey, maybe not. Don’t know. We’ve been doing this for so long now. Haven’t ever quit before. So We’ll see what it does to Us. Maybe We’ll drop dead. That would be funny. The first guy to drop dead from quiting smoking. That would be a big joke.
We’ve changed. A lot. Definitely in these last two years. Beyond ourself. It was necessary. It really was necessary. We weren’t doing good, weren’t great. Mentally and physically. Spirit in a slumber. Had to get that shit straight. Had to pull ourself out of that shit. And We’re still doing that. It was a real mess.
July 13
05:26
Just another damn Monday. Just one more start to a week full of issues and delays, and waiting, and fucking bullshit. And all We have to do is focus and struggle through. Make it to that Friday… You know. Hoping We survive just one more week. But We probably will. For some fucked up reason We probably will. What a joke. What a fucking joke.
You know what to do though. You know what to work on. And you’ll do it. Because there’s nothing else to do. Nothing else to pursue. Have some fun doing it. Because it’s gonna suck either way.
07:42
It’s like this. Always like this. So how do We get this shit to not be like this. How do We get ourself to another place. Another space of mind. Become something more. Maybe go to something that’s less first. We did do those type of things before.
Got deep into that lowest point. Realized what it was again. A waste of time. Or rather a wasting… That’s what that shit’s all about. Sometimes it’s not such a bad thing. Wasting time. But it’s the way in which you do that. The boring principle…
Well, it’s not hard when everyone else is on repeat. Always on about the same shit. Are they not? To Us they are. But maybe We’re on repeat from their point of view.
Fucking shit’s insane. To live a life stuck in this nine to five. Well, eight to four-thirty. Or seven to three. It all depends on the week. But We know now. We understand. This is Our doing. We sat on Our ass for too long and wasted many good opportunities. We did. Should’ve gone after that shit way sooner.
But hey, is what it is. Just understand that it is what it is because We made it so.
Fuck… Can’t rush this. Gotta work hard, work all the time at this thing. But We can’t rush it. That’s not how these things work. But consistency and dedication go a long way.
10:47
Start a new one. After a while. After a certain amount of time has passed.
Haven’t written shit. Can’t write shit in this situation. That’s a bummer. Await those free moments. Undisturbed.
14:54
Took a neat nice nap. Felt great. Always sweating like a pig though. Don’t know what that shit is. Might be dying. Does feel like We’re having a heart attack. Constantly. Don’t know what that is. Happened yesterday… During those workouts. But it sorta went away. Now it seems to be back. Maybe it’s just a big ass shit. Trying to take care of that crap now. Hope it goes smooth. Don’t wanna waste too much time on the porcelain. Hate that crap. Though We usually write on the motherfucker right now. So it’s turning into something productive. If one could call this shit productive.
Smoking a cigarette and that pressure near Our heart fades. What a joke. Guess it’s not a heart attack then. Maybe smoking alleviates heart attacks and they’ve been lying to Us all along. Wouldn’t surprise Us. Not one bit. If there’s one thing they’re good at, then it’s lying. Well. Making up shit. Not really lying. That’s something else, believe Us.
That was a big shit. Yeah We’re talking about Our shit. We’re gonna talk about everything here. All of it. Whatever pops up.
That’s what this thing is all about…
17:25
Write some sheyt that might
Inspire this fire kindlin’ within
Don’t waste time… That’s for sure. Shouldn’t waste time on a rhyme that’s worth nothing. Right. Right.
This is the most important thing here. That balcony shit. It’s gonna change though. Something might change. Don’t know how long the tobacco will last Us. Really don’t. Still on that heart attack type shit. Really don’t know what it is. If it was then We would’ve dropped dead just now. Ran a 3.33 home. Weights on the ankles. Heart rate somewhere between 140 and 153. Couldn’t do that shit with a heart attack. Or maybe. Maybe We can. Don’t know. Gotta keep going though. It’s either do or die. We’ll do that shit so you don’t have to. We’ll take those risks, We’ll walk those roads of uncertainty. All so you don’t have to.
Shin is doing a lot better. Now it’s the Achilles tendon though. All fucked up. And for some weird reason the weight on the right side started banging into the outer ankle bone. Now that thing’s getting all fucked up too, can’t wait for the next thing. If there’s gonna be a next thing.
Fuck it though. Can’t stop. Just can’t. There’s this voice, this reasoning, to keep up the level, the suck, the hurt, the misery. As if these things are a necessity. They might… Maybe it’s exactly what We need. What are We gonna write about otherwise. Birds and bees, the fruity bright side of life. Fuck that shit. There’s no bright sight here. There’s only darkness. Always was, always will. Wouldn’t want anything different. There’s no joy in ease, there’s no glory in comfort. Only that everlasting desire to know… The limits, the possibilities, the “what ifs”.
Can’t quit this shit, just can’t… That’s why We keep coming back to this. It has to happen. We must make it happen. It’s the only way. There’s nothing but this here. Nothing that matters, at least. We’re not the best friend, not the best family member. Not the best dude around. But We’re damn good at this shit. The solitude… The loneliness. The digging, deeper and deeper. Always felt excluded to begin with. Now they ain’t got shit on Us though. We went all B-Rabbit on these bitches. They can’t say a thing. They just can’t. We’ll say it to them. Laugh all you want. Say what you want. We’re slowly getting there, all the way. All the fucking way.
July 14
05:22
Tuesday and We’re broken. Slept less than four. That’s gonna take it’s toll. Can’t let that shit get to Us though. Really gotta practice that mental thing. That boosting of energy without any products such as caffeine. We don’t need that bullshit throughout the day. We’ve got more energy than this. It’s somewhere hidden. That untapped potential. That savage nature. They’ll never know how tired a person can get because they’ll never push to this limit. And beyond…
11:18
Damn. Wasted some time here. Sometimes. That’s just what happens. Now We’re back. Gotta take some more steps though. Can’t be sitting down the whole day. Shit ain’t healthy. Still don’t know about the tobacco. Could go get some. Could just leave it like it is. Can We manage though. We should… It’s hard anyway. But doing the impossible is freeing, it’s the one thing that gets Us further down the path.
So maybe We should. But We’re not behind it. Not fully at least. Don’t know why. Will We ever be though? That’s a good one. When’s the right moment. It’s always now. Not tomorrow. Better yesterday than today. But We can only do something about it right now. So once that packets done for. Well. We’ll be done with. Just gotta keep talking ourself into that shit. That’s the only way. And We gotta hurry… Because the pack’s almost finished. Guess We’re gonna feel better. Like almost instantly. We’ll definitely feel beter. Less tired probably.
Will be something else. Will be very different from what We’re used too. Smoking one after the other basically. That’s like standard day shit. Bad days… Not even gonna talk about that. Lately it’s been like twenty to thirty a day without a doubt.
15:17
Too fast for anything. So guess We’re writing most of it home. On the balcony, you know. Can’t wait until We get there. It’s the best thing in this life. The best moment. Before the ultimate misery, after manageable misery.
17:38
Fuck man. Always with that haste. The original plan was after that 24hr event. Now We’re talking about starting that shit in a couple days. Don’t know man. Just don’t know. Maybe We should. Well… We should. The faster, the better, right. Right. Right. Fuck. Yeah, We fucking should. Don’t go for that tobacco. Don’t fucking do it. Just let it run out. Then go without. And you’ll see. You won’t fucking die. Would be funny though. If by quiting you’d drop dead. Would be the first ever…
Look man. It’s gonna be a day by day thing. Until it’s not. You know… Break the habit. That’s all. And you’ll feel shit for a while. We can take these last few grams slow. Take ’em as slow as possible. Remember that mindset, those days on the street. Those fucking days were insane. Go back there. That’s the sense you need. We can do this, but We’re not gonna wanna do it. That’s just what it’s like. That’s just how it is. That hatred for something uncertain, unknown. Haven’t been without that shit for over fifteen years. Fifteen fucking years. Some goes for the grass though. And We quit that shit. If We can with that shit, then We can with this shit. It’s not that hard. We think it’s hard. They say it’s hard. But it’s not. It’s either do, or don’t. That’s it. And We will. We fucking will. That’s all there is. We fucking will do this shit. From the first attempt. It’s not a first time everytime type deal. This has been in the making for a long time. A long ass fucking time. It’s gonna suck. Harder than anything We’ve ever done. All that shit We’ve done up until this day. We’ll make it look like a walk in the park. That’s what We’ll do. Make it seem so easy even the ones that did quit will feel hatred reflected from the hardship they had to endure. That’s what We’ll do.
Keep it going. Keep it up. That narrative. Find reasons. Every damn reason you can magician your way into existence.
That’s it. Every time you yearn, every time you desire, every time you’re about to lose hope, will power, fortitude. Come here and fix the issue. Write it down, spell it out. Focus on this. Even if it’s just a single line, which can become more powerful than a list of paragraphs full of bullshit on how you might quit, how you might keep from it when you don’t.
Just know that We’ll become a better version of this. Not a higher self, not a better self, just a better version of this self. Still the same piece of shit. But a better piece of shit. You’re the one to beat these types of things. It’s easy for you, because you can keep hammering the narrative. It’s that easy. Just keep saying the same shit, over and over.
22:55
We were a certain way. Now We are a certain way. Can We change Our ways even further. Can We go down a path that’s even darker. Can We go down this madness even further. It’s necessary. Because it isn’t enough. It’s never enough. Enough doesn’t exist. We gotta go deeper. A lot… So much it’s not even safe or secure. It’s gonna bring Us there. It really is. Because it really is doing that thing. We’re actually getting there. Slowly. We truly don’t care anymore. Almost. There’s bits and pieces left of that old self. But slowly and surely We are eradicating every bit of that boy and replacing it with the man We wish to become. There’s a lot of work still. But for that man to grow, the boy must vanish from the playing field and be moved to the bench. That’s all We can say on that.
23:03
We can. We fucking can. We’re gonna do it. We’re gonna fucking do that shit. No matter what. Can’t back down now. Never back down.
July 15
05:22
Always on this shit. Gotta be on it all the time. Gotta talk ourself through. Talk ourself into the madness and face all the pain. Today might be it though. But that’s been like ten, maybe even twenty todays in a row now. Keeps working so We keep going. It’s weird. Right.
Gonna run out of tobacco soon. That’s gonna be a gas. Definitely. There’s not a thing to do about that shit. Guess We gotta go through with it. There’s no way out now. The funny thing though. If We ration this shit, We might even make it until Friday. Which might be dangerous. Easier for Us to go and get some more when We got the time.
Let’s go hard. We ain’t tired. We don’t get tired. We’re not hurt, We don’t get injured. It’s all some bullshit to stop Our momentum.
10:03
Gotta keep pushing that way. Gotta keep going towards the change. What’s necessary… All of it. All of it… Not one thing can fall off. There’s nothing but this. Gotta go so hard. Go so far beyond. Think about it. You hate it. You really do. But the strength hidden within this shit. Here We are again. Typing out shit even if it’s just some senseless, purposeless junk. We’ll fill up an entire trash can with this if that’s what’s necessary. Gotta keep going. Keep grinding. Keep up this shit. It’s not even a grind…
11:41
Get a new one going. That’s what’s important. A new thing every now and then. Just writing this out. Just getting shit down. Even if it’s just some shit like this. Some of it might even be the same… Similar in overall sense. Fuck man. Here. Not by ourself, though always lonely. Never alone to begin with, even if no one’s around. But lately there’s always someone around.
Honestly. Fuck people, and fuck their shit. It’s always something. Sick and tired of that self pity and blaming. The complaining. But hey, maybe this sounds like complaining to some people. So how are We any better. Being better is a delusion. Either a self-induced ego trip, or a purposefully granted ego boost by those in need of something. You’re never better, because the only one to be better than is yourself. It’s always yourself. Everyone writes their own book, everyone walks their own path. But most roads run parallel. Such a shame. Mine’s been crooked since birth. Doesn’t seem that’s ever going to change. Wouldn’t want it to do so either. It’s like a gift of uncertainty. To not know the true nature of your living.
Here We sit. On a stupid job, unable to get out because We haven’t developed any skills that could support a financial free life. We’re not the guy to start his own business any time soon.
14:43
Exactly three hours ago… Guess… Well… Every three hours would be great. Would be awesome. If without fail. But that’s not really possible. Not so much probable either. And if you think about the time it takes to write this out. It’s just some shit in the mind, sure… But sometimes that shit’s harder than anything else. It’s made up on the spot.
They left… All of them. Finally by ourself. Once more…
And disturbance strikes this instant. Always strikes unwanted. Never when one could use a little company. Doesn’t happen often in Our case though. Rather be alone, well… Lonely. Never alone, not with these whispered shouts. Damn voices, damn visuals, damn demons… All so real. Though We kinda like it now. Kinda fucking do. Wasn’t always like that. Once was afraid. Not so much anymore. And slowly getting less and less afraid of those nasty mental spirals taking Us down a rabbit hole of disaster, discomfort, and disfiguration. The chill down that spine… Almost non-existent. Strange right…
17:25
Gonna run out tomorrow. Maybe the day after. This shit is nasty. Now those thoughts creep in. Those reasons to keep going, to not quit. Can’t let those intrusive fuckers win the game. Gotta keep that mentality strong. Gotta keep that mindset growing. We already decided though. That CBD, occasionally. Wanted to say if necessary, but those are the times We should avoid using it, because that often leads to abusing shit. Sometimes We can, you know, hit a big cone of CBD. Nothing wrong with that. Probably will help recovery and shit also. Don’t know though. Never really noticed anything in that respect.
Man, this damn thing. Think about it. Think about that shit. If you do it. Fifteen years of non-stop practically chain smoking behavior. If you do this on the first try… Fuck… Not many, not many among these people. Most stop due to health issues. Some stop because they’ve tried and tried and wanna keep their wallet a little thicker. We know all these things matter. But this ain’t the reason. The reason for Us… It’s just another thing that’s diabolical.
We don’t need that shit. We don’t. Really don’t… Sometimes We think We do. But We have to realize now, and think We do, that this shit is useless. It’s not gonna help Us in any way. It ain’t gonna do shit for Us other than slow Us down. Not just the running, but the workouts, the recovery, the growth. Whatever. And for some reason We think it’s also slowing down this process. Don’t know if that’s true, but if it helps Us in any way to quit and keep quitting day in day out… Well, then We should use this shit as a motivator. Gotta get serious. Gotta get fucking serious about all of this.
Never been serious about anything in Our life… Which is a little sad. Or at least that’s what it feels like right now. If We would’ve been, then We would sit in a different spot. But life is what life is right now. So We gotta build that shit with the stones and planks We have at the moment. Gather more and more, and slowly grow from Our mistakes. All that shit We did wrong in the past. It’s gonna come up, time and time again.
Fuck… This shit’s gonna rape Us. Definitely…
There’s so much work left to do. We’re never gonna finish this crap. Doesn’t mean We won’t get anywhere though, We’ll definitely get somewhere. That’s certain. Hey, you always go somewhere… Even if it’s a place you don’t wanna go, you’re going somewhere. So, better make sure it’s someplace you wanna go. A spot you reach when looking back pride floods your system and nothing they say matters because you know all the struggle and hardship it took to reach that view. A nature of things that provides you with everlasting blissful sensation. And a hunger to continue searching for more. The extra in extraordinary. Because all it is is doing the ordinary a little bit extra.
It’s easy actually. It’s just do… Or you don’t. That’s how simple that shit is. Once you do you’ll know.
Just like this. Turned a bad habit of watching stupid YouTube shit into a habit of writing down this junk. But even though it’s some junk, one day this bullshit might just amount to something.
Nobody documents the early stages. Well. Our early stage has been lasting for about eight years now. Still got a lot of that early shit. But most of all, now that We’re here, doing this, We’re redocumenting the early stage. We’re going over it again and again. And We’ll get to the point where everything is put down and in here. That’s what’s necessary. Step by step. Piece by piece.
First, get used to the voice, second, get everything out, third, go backwards and forwards over and over. Run this shit, stretch it out. Have it double, triple, quadruple. Have it a million times…
23:30
‘Sgonna get hard. Real hard. Fucking hard. But We’re hard, super hard, ultra hard. Beyond hard. Steel, fucking coated steel. Adamantium shit. We’re gonna become godly steel. The toughest steel on earth. We’re already on Our way to becoming that. Soon We’ll have it. Nothing can stop Us any longer. Fuck all this shit. Fuck the pain, fuck the injuries, fuck the exhaustion. Fuck all that shit. We can’t be hurt, We can’t be injured, We can’t get tired. Keep repeating that shit, and We’ll make it true. It’s already true. Always true. It’s the truth. We always were, just never understood what it was. Now We fucking know. We really know. There’s no limit to this. There’s no fucking limit. Believe Us. Believe in Us. Because We will prove. No matter the proce at the end.
23:41
Tomorrow’s another day to test these limits. Just one more try. And then another. And another. And another…
July 16
05:25
This is gonna be one of those pleasant Thursdays. Probably fall asleep running. Fuck man. Fuck… Can’t even see how little We slept. The fucking watch messed up or something. Or did We. We did do some weird shit in Our sleep. Or was it a dream. Don’t fucking know. Can’t care though. Gotta get going you know. Gotta keep going. Keep grinding. Almost out of tobacco. That shit’s gonna run out today. Could’ve been more conservative. But then again We always leaned a little bit to the right. Capitalism requires consumption.
Ah, fuck it. Gonna feel all fucked up. That’s life. This shit’s almost over. Just one more day after this one.
07:05
To sit in this… Shit ‘n’ piss. Can’t fit no bliss
Just a hiss, a sigh, this ain’t no lie
Didn’t sleep, demons creep
Not just one, a legion come
Undone, undressed, naked beneath red eyes
Gazing, staring, who would be caring
Sharing the truth,
07:37
Sometimes We gotta get it out. Often sucks though. Doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Not the “poem”. Not the pain, nor the tiredness… Not even the dreams and goals. It’s nothing compared to the entirety of this universe
10:46
The danger. We could go and get some… And that idea is still strong. The one where We said We would stop after that 24hr event. No matter the outcome of that race. We would stop after that 24hr event. Don’t fucking know man. It’s a tough one. That was the original plan. But now We’ve been hyping ourself into this position.
Fuuuuuuck…
Feel like a failure, but also feel like We’re rushing into things again.
We can do it. We can. We can stop right here right now. We can… We can end this shit. It’s gonna suck, it’s definitely gonna suck. Fuck…
Fuck…
Fuck…
Guess We just gotta let it happen. Let it roll over Us. Wash… Drench ourself within the sensation of madness. Just another level of crazy.
Just think about all that money, all that time you gain, and most of all the health. Because it’s true. It’s all true.
Come on punk, talk yourself through it. Talk yourself back into the suck. That’s the mission.
And it’s like We say. We can smoke those CBD cones now and then. That’s something to alleviate that burden. But will We really. Because before We know it’s a new life and a new way of living.
12:51
Watching flies fuck. Watching flies dance. Watching a bunch of shit that has to do with flies. Fuck… They’re more interesting than most people. Funny, ain’t it.
15:15
Here We sit. Here We always sit. Hour and minutes might differ. But here’s where We always sit. For a while. Some times a little longer than others. It’s funny. The waiting. Always hated the waiting. Now We often think “damn, that shit’s already over”, well… The things We gotta do after those work hours is a lot worse than working those hours. We love doing it, to some degree. We also hate it, with every atom bouncing around in this body.
Here We are… It’s almost here. End of the line. Almost out of tobacco. Gonna finish that shit up today. That’s a nasty one, because We used to go and get it on a Thursday most of the times. So it’s gonna take all Our strength to go against this habit.
Madness. Can feel that shit already.
Well… Fuck…
17:36
Guess We’re fucked. Always fucked.
That’s over with. Lost a lot of time. Lost a lot of headspace. It’s gonna take a whole lot to get back into this mess. Can’t have peace. Not allowed to have any peace.
Guess We’re gonna go deep. Real deep. Fucking deep inside that cunt of a life.
Really is hard to get back into this shit now. Not that the bullshit’s cluttering Our mind. It’s just… We were distracted, and all that build up, all that work, along the run, throughout the day, it’s gone… Somewhere in the back of Our mind.
It’s actually interesting, how fleeting these creations are. How feeble this pattern of thought, this string of notions. Once broken, well… You’re fucked. No way to glue these pieces back together. And if you try, it looks like one of those anonymous death threats, a list of demands from paper snippets.
Well… Fuck it. Guess it’s gonna happen. It’s gonna happen. We’re gonna fucking do this. Easy. Just like that. Nothing can stop Us from quiting. No notion, no sensation. Nothing. Fuck this junk. Fuck this waste. Fuck this crap. That’s all it is.
Gotta get serious. Serious about this shit. The workouts, the running. There’s something here for you.
Look at all the shit We kicked. Kicked the weed, the gaming, now the cigarettes… Fuck porn, don’t need that shit. Never needed it that much to begin with. But that’s not an issue either.
All that shit. Getting rid of all that shit from the old self. The New Us. That’s a monster. And We can become an even bigger monster. A demon, a dark devil. Abbadonian. That’s what We’ll become. Nobody knows about Abbadonians. It’s something We “invented”. The one that haunts Our every second. We came to call it such. Or did he request Us. That’s unclear even to Us.
We’ll become the true nature, We’ll become the darkness that lingers. The shadow walker. It’s the hardest thing to achieve. Because it’s never been done before. Because it “doesn’t exist”. Will it work, can We manage, can We attain and maintain such an extreme. If it is something like Our dreams, Our waking wanders of the mind. Well… Then there’s a long road ahead of Us. But We will know once We reach that point where finally We can claim the title of Abbadonian.
This is just some bullshit… But it might get Us there.
22:59
Guess We gotta go hard. Actually worked out pretty nice. Tomorrow’s the start of a new section. Meaning We can go deeper into that shit. A lot deeper than before. Because now We’re actually doing the thing. We’re actually gonna do it. No sweat. No problem. This shit’ll be easy for Us. It’s still gonna suck, but when doesn’t this shit suck. Our life has become one big suck fest. The ultimate orgy of suck. Bonnie blue ain’t got shit on Us. It’s like We’re sucking a million cocks.
Funny that today We can actually say these things and not be afraid about the opinions people might have. Or the comments. Or whatever.
Gotta sleep, see ya, creep.