June 26
06:33
That’s life…
Do go Sinatra on these bitches. All the way…
Some Bukowski kinda shit…
There’s a place for you to exist in. Definitely…
Without a doubt that place is magical…
You make it that, you make it out to be whatever you want.
15:16
We gotta stop this. At least find a way to silence this part of ourself. It’s not necessary. It never was, but it’s there nonetheless. A waste of valuable space, room applicable to deep thinking. Because even with those things, We can go very deep. And maybe they are a necessity… We’ll never know for sure. But how does it aid Us? Thinking about some shit that people are saying, the way they talk, the way they act. It’s always something. And it’s always the same sort of weakling. We were one of them not long ago. We sat among these little bitches back in the day, not even knowing that was the case. Now, We’ve gone a different path. A route that’s not travelled often. One that has many people gazing… They don’t want that shit. We know that. But they do want what’s given at the end of this shit. A complete fulfilling, one no amount of money or drugs can bring to life. The cost is high, the price is beyond anything you know, but the reward is much more than simple minutes of joy. It reveals… Reflects… Grants truth in every sense of the word. That’s why We must chase these things, why We must continue down this path. The real glory lies in the suffering along the way, not its completion.
Sweating Our ass off takin’ a shit. That’s crazy.
June 27
14:12
It’s a sad thing, that this keeps happening. But guess it’s like a habit now. Don’t know. Maybe it’s because We’ve been empty for so long and keep pushing that depleted vat of energy deeper and deeper. We are broken, completely. But that’s not gonna stop Us. It’s not much different from any other weekend, though this one was influenced by the extreme heat We’ve had to deal with over the last week. Guess it really took its toll on Us.
Doesn’t fucking matter though. Gotta figure this out. Do some shit. And once We’re done, We’re done.
June 28
12:09
We kinda fucked up, so now We’ll have to pay the price. A heavy one. Good thing it’s not that hot anymore. It’s hot, but We got used to something quite different these last couple days. Feels like We can handle anything right now. Damn sure can…
See what We can do, figure out how We can do. But the main thing remains, why will We, why should We, why…
That’s important. The why. Because We shouldn’t just do shit. There’s no use in that.
Why do We keep this up? Why really?
June 29
05:25
Another week, another start. Another damnation. Barely slept. Got fucked. Better said, fucked ourself. That’s for sure.
Man, We gotta get out of this. Still don’t know how. Still don’t know through what. And the longer We wait, the longer it’s gonna take, the harder it’s gonna get. Believe Us. Listen to Us. Focus on Us, not them. Always wasting time on them. Fuck them… They ain’t living this shit. They ain’t never gonna live this shit.
07:44
Gotta write this shit down. It’s the only thing to do…
Because it’s always the waiting. Waiting, and then you’re doing something, and then it’s back to waiting. Maybe if you master the waiting, life could become something simple. But We’re no master of anything, so guess We’ll just do some masterless waiting. Something like that… Maybe not. It might be different. Don’t know. We’re alone now. That’s certain, the only certainty…
You know, We’re here by ourself until We are not. And that’s life. Or at least that’s what it seems to be. But life seems to be many things, and then again nothing.
Mastermind without a mastery…
Strange thing, this here. Feels almost surreal. The notion, the pondering, the fading. The dreams… Those dreams of late. Stronger and stronger. More vivid, more present. More of a reality compared to the drug infested periods during Our life. Almost frightening… Can’t really remember anything, but We haven’t been active in such actions lately. Maybe should get back into that. Trying to remember those fractions. Piece the madness together. Because within those dreams lie answers. Delusional representatives of existence. A truth… Often overlooked.
Ignored for eternity, avoided for comfort. Things aren’t what you want them to be, but are they ever this way, or even close to this way… Don’t think such a thing is possible.
What can be, shouldn’t, and what shouldn’t, will most likely occur. Usually when one is unprepared or unaware. And most definitely unwilling to receive…
Strangeness in these words, in these lines. Though it’s the way We like it. Could be straightforward, but it shouldn’t. And since it shouldn’t, it will eventually happen to become straightforward. That’s how it works.
One day these words will no longer be strange scribbles to the mind of those that did not create them. One day they will figure out the madness. That’s for sure.
16:15
Wrote some crazy shit today. That’s for sure. Gotta do some more. If We can. There’s still that limit. But We know now, there’s always gonna be that limit… Though you push that boundary further every time you hammer away at whatever’s in front. That’s the only way. Without a doubt. No other way but the hammering.
We need it though. Couldn’t live without it any longer. Don’t think people really understand… Most probably don’t even know what it is, that sense, ever present, pressuring the brain, dense damp in that skull. No room for anything within the lines of comfort, nor ease. One could say, this is ease. Sitting on the balcony, smoking a cigarette. Between the run and the workouts. But this practically comes down to the only free time We have on this monday, well, every week day that is… And here We are, still working at it. In a certain place, with a certain mind, a being that never rests, not completely.
It’s not always like this, not everyday that is. But We gotta work towards that shit. Really gotta work towards that endless grind. Get up, get after it, go to bed, and get after it there… And then get up again. Repeat. The same thing all over, again and again.
Don’t think there’s any other option. If We want something, We’re gonna have to get it, grab it, grasp it. Clench… With all our strength, all that We’ve got. Build that grip. Build it strong, and stronger. And never let go. Cramp it up. It’s the only way. Or at least that’s what it seems to be, the only way. We don’t know anything else. We don’t know anything other than this.
For so long We were trying to write other people’s shit, didn’t even notice. Now We know, and that search for Our stroke has begun. In here, and on paper, more so in here though. Did enough on paper these last ten years. But We didn’t do shit with it, and good thing though. It was some mediocre shit. Maybe this is the same, similar in that sense, but it is different in many ways from what once was. And soon, Our nature will reveal itself if it hasn’t done so already. Might just need to write a little more and a little more often in order to fall upon those magic lines that strike the notion of grandeur. Those words that truly represent Our mind and madness.
But it seems We are back in a certain place, a particular groove that forces reflection and therefore creation. One will not happen without the other. They correlate like nothing else. Reflection and creation are practically one and the same. Within creation one always finds a reflective nature bound to the creator. And within reflection there lies a creative nature that brings forth the reflecting notions. The questions of a life lived and not existed.
June 30
05:23
One more… And one more… And one more… And it keeps on going. And it seems like We’re getting nowhere. But We know, We realize. The working out isn’t gonna make Us any money. So if We wanna keep doing this… Well, then We gotta find something that does. Even if it’s just enough to get Us off the job and provide enough to go about. We need a lot though. Because the job now ain’t providing enough. It ain’t doing shit. Gotta find something that does. But it seems We ain’t got shit either. After ten fucking years… We wasted all this time. Never took it seriously, and now We’re here. We fucked up. We got fucked. It’s Our problem now. So fix it. Fucking fix it.
14:28
This is where it starts. Here it always starts. Gotta get through it though. This harshness… Damn We’re fucking tired. Can’t let that get to Us though. Just can’t let it happen. Push through. Get hard, go hard. Become hardest of all. We’re only awake for ten hours now. Only ten… That ain’t shit. We did twenty-eight… We even did more once, but that was long ago. Can’t even remember how much it was. Push it beyond. You want more, don’t ya…
Well. Here We sit. Might take a while this time. Just might. Might go easy on Us… Can’t tell beforehand. Gotta await the splash. Damn… Always wasting time, aren’t We. Doing this, doing that, doing whatever. Doesn’t really matter what We’re doing. If We make sure it ain’t wasting Our time then it’s fine.
But this shit’ll keep on going no matter what. So fuck time if you think about it. It’s a waste of time to think about wasting time. What a thing to say. And it’s a waste of time thinking about not wasting time. Maybe thinking is the waste in and of itself. But thinking does bring forth ideas that might push you in the right direction, so is it such a bad thing… And maybe, just maybe, it’s not so bad to waste a couple of minutes here and there. If you waste minutes on purpose. You might push through the minutes that really matter.
Funny thing this… Gotta go though. So We’ll be back…
16:15
This is where it ends. Often times. On the balcony, before the second shit. We sit and We waste… Away… Our time, Our life, Our self… Maybe
We don’t have to write a lot. We really don’t. All We gotta do is write something down. At least one bit of the day. That’s hard. Though We could turn it into something else. We could learn to write those things We think along the way. The way towards work, the way towards home. It’s obvious We still struggle with some underlying and unspoken issues. Guess We gotta face those before We can continue.
Stuff like… What stuff. What do We feel like writing down here, shit that could help Us down the road to Ultimate Madness…
Don’t care about anything. That’s the only thing We can truly bring forth. All that shit. The way people look at you, where they look, why they look. None of it matters. They don’t know you… Not one bit. And they never will, because people can’t understand what they fear. It’s too dark, way too deep. They won’t… You will. That’s the difference. They never will, so you always must. With all the pain and opposition. It’s the only option. It requires everything, everything you’ve got. And that shit hasn’t been given yet. So… Let’s get to work.
Honestly, there’s no amount of pain in this world, nothing that could cease Our momentum. This mentality is a scar, one so deep it can never fade. We’ve scratched the surface and kept on scratching. And We will continue to do so. This is merely a test of time. Outlast that which cannot be outlasted…
Fuck. This shit’s gonna hurt, this shit’s gonna suck. But that’s part of the journey, of the adventure.
19:35
Gotta figure out Our own path, Our own walk. The talk, but the active one, not the blabbing passive one. What actions talk? What actions speak so loud that none will doubt? How far do We have to go? It’s not about them, never about them. Not about the big boys, nor the tough cats. What’s Our path? Well… We’ll never really know the answer to that, so ask a better question. What’s the path you wish to walk? What path can you tread every single day without falling off…
The edge… How far are We willing to go? Because the edge is endless. At least it seems to be for now.
We think it’s about tired now. How tired can you get. How deep can you push yourself? How far can We go with this life, this way of living. It’s beyond anything already and We’re praying to go further. Farther than anything We’ve ever done before.
Something hit Us two years ago, maybe even three. Maybe it was the bumming. Don’t really know. But back then it was all about impressing, back then it was all about that particular status of being a tough motherfucker and doing shit nobody else would. Now it’s sort of the same thing, the only difference… We don’t fucking care about other people’s opinions any longer. Well… We’re not there yet, not completely. But We’re getting close.
All that said, something else hit not so long ago. This here has become another obsession yet again. We’re back on that writing like it’s the only thing that truly matters. Every chance We get. And it is the only thing that matters, along with the workouts and shit.
Don’t know how much We wrote now, but We’re going back into that overdrive. So keep it the fuck up, and push those boundaries…
22:24
Tomorrow We get one more chance at this madness. Every time, every day, every week, every second. It’s all one more chance at this madness. To hammer away, heat up, hammer, cool down, heat up, hammer, cool down… Every second again and again.
July 1
05:27
It’s a damn Wednesday. Don’t tell Us how We supposed to feel. Slept great. 4:30 on the clock. Sounds nice compared to 3:30. So let’s get this shit. Let’s fucking get it. There’s only one way. This is the way. This is the way… There’s no other. Hard, harsh, hellish. Every damn day again. Pain. Tons of pain, waterfalls of struggle, streams of opposition. It is necessary…
13:14
It seems… Busy day today. Always busy.
Gotta get fresh. Gotta get rolling. Gonna have to run, then work out, then hit the store… Get some food, get some shit… Whatever. Work out some more. Cook dinner. Probably hit the bed right after… Well, stretching and cleaning the kitchen. That’s a plan, ain’t it. That’s a life. Our life. It sucks… It really does. Don’t think many people would do it. Maybe one or two days, maybe even three. Maybe for weeks and months. But everyday. Imagine if life looked like this every day. Not always go to the store, though We always work out. Not always have to cook, but We always clean the kitchen. There’s bits and pieces that repeat themselves consistently, like a routine. And all that shit on about four hours of sleep. Almost every weekday. Always the same bullshit over and over.
Something has to change. But not the working out, not the running. Not the damn routine. We know exactly what has to change. It’s the damn job. But We ain’t worth shit on the market for now, so this’ll have to do. We’re still gonna have to work, We always will, but try and make your work a passion, and work becomes something entirely different.
We’ve been getting these things down now, almost every day, and usually a lot at once. So that might become something. Though We have to turn it into such. Otherwise it’s just some bullshit in a notes app. Doesn’t mean We put this out there. Maybe We can gather together Our thoughts and create something to put out there. Something that reflects well with others. How though, what… And most of all, why? Why would We do this. To what end?
16:15
Keep coming back… That’s it. Right… Right. That’s just the thing. Keep showing up. Keep the job? Keep showing up. Get better at soccer? Keep showing up. Get better at math? Keep showing up. Whatever it is… Keep showing up. So in Our case. Just keep coming back to this shit. Work out. Run. Write. Study. Do it all. As much as you can. Those first three We can do everyday. The last one is different, but We can at least try. Always try. Or… Do. That’s more like it. Keep on doing, until the doing resembles breathing. And the thing about breathing… With every in there’s an out. Input, output. Give something and you shall receive. It’s true. Man… We ran a hundred kilometers. We ran more. We’ve done that shit a couple times now. We can do more. We can definitely get those hundred miles. Just gotta do it. That’s what it is. There’s no try. There’s no let’s see. There’s only do. That’s it. That’s it…
Fuck… Fuck… Fuck! This shit. This shit’s madness. Neverending conversations of insanity versus comfort. But insanity always seems clearer, always coming out on top. It seems the only reason, the only thing worthwhile… Nothing else matters.
All these people struggling, all these people avoiding. All these people shying. Fuck that. Fuck that shit man. We gotta go deep. The darkness. That’s everything. There’s no light at the end of this tunnel. Only more tunnels darker than those treaded before. But it’s worth it all. Because the trophy here is the walk itself. Like a stroll through the most beautiful art collection showcasing the most elaborate pieces our lives have to offer. Each painting, sculpture…, everything, representing the magnificent ways of life. The hatred, the anger, the sorrow, the delusion, the lack of clarity… Everything that holds us, grasps us, pushes our face in the mud. Soggy three inch mud pools that suffocate even the hardest of them all.
The pain… All the pain in this world. None of it. It cannot cease our momentum. Yeah. This is for everyone, if one is only willing to walk through, walk on with the burden weighing on their shoulder blades, bending spines and crushing knees.
July 2
05:25
It’s rough…
Supposedly only slept two hours and twenty. Don’t know if We should believe that. Can’t even remember whether We took a piss or not. Usually We have to take a piss. Can’t fucking remember at all. That’s crazy… Ain’t it.
Yeah, it’s a mess. Hope today is a little better. Tomorrow is the last one of the week. And now We sound like them. That’s even more stupid.
Losing all hope… Sort of… Don’t really know if there was any hope to begin with. Can’t seem to figure it out though. Can’t seem to find a way… Gotta find a fucking way. Fast… Real fast. Because We’re running out of energy. We’re running out of time… The thing is, can’t rush this shit either. Just can’t.
14:15
That’s a quick one. Guess We’re writing on the balcony today.
Tired. But We’re not… Let’s just say We’re not. Let’s just say that everyone gets a snippet of Our life today. And they ain’t even doing this shit. Nobody’s doing this shit, so will they ever know. And We’re gonna make it damn hard to follow in these footsteps. Especially when those legs start to buckle, bend, and break. Muscle and tendon tears riddled all over the body, slithering up and down, growing, stretching… Excruciating pain combined with deep spiritual and mental tiredness. Not even gonna talk about the exhaustion of the body, the physical nature.
Don’t worry. Some might be able. Some might. But not many. If We keep growing, if We keep getting after this shit. None will ever figure a way.
Envision… Imagine the levels…
16:12
Almost falling asleep.
Gotta go through the motions though.
Figure a way to get a little bit more sleep. Just a little bit.
Harsh… That’s all We need. It’s a necessity. Maybe this is a necessary adversity. Maybe this will push Us to a brink that’s required, to advance, to grow beyond, to go somewhere new. A new height. That’s what We’re after right. Then work hard, keep going, keep digging. Excavation of the spirit… Soul-searching. Cringe but true. And due. Too long We’ve avoided all this. Well. Now it’s double-time. Hit it hard. Nothing else matters any longer. Get hyped, get motivated, get all that shit. They’re just feelings… What goes for sleep goes for energy just the same. What goes for hunger goes for saturation just the same. What goes for pain goes for fortitude just the same. It’s always the same. If you’re hungry, tell yourself you’re full. If there’s pain, tell yourself it’s resilience. If you’re tired, tell yourself it’s the energy bursting out.
It’s gonna work out though. All of it. You’ll make it work. Because you have to, there’s no other way. You’ve wasted away all your opportunities. You’ve squandered all your chances. Everything, even if it was only a little, that was given has faded through the lack of dedication and pursuit. Now all that shit comes together. Now all of it is required at once. There’s no room for rest, no room for relaxation. There’s no place for weakness. And weakness isn’t feeling the pain, and working with the pain. Weakness is avoiding the pain. Weakness is quitting and never returning to that which is necessary.
Not much is really necessary. But this here is a necessity. It is all We have left. It is all We can do. It is all We should do.
22:27
From this day forth We’ll have some of the best sleep ever, however short, however little, it’ll be the best. There’ll be no better sleep one can get. That’s it…
Fucking go hard. Go hard. If you think you’re going hard. Go a little harder… There you’ll see, acknowledge, understand, you’re not even going hard enough. There’s more. Step by step, day by day… There’s no end to progress. Always room for improvement…