FOLDER 56 Section 53 18-24 September

September 18

12:08

Got up a little later, you know, there was no alarm so this shit’s a little random, you know.

Here We are though. That stomach’s all fucked up. Wonder if it was the days before. You know, it’s funny. Can’t fucking remember. Feels like it was, though the certainty ain’t there… That shit ain’t never there. It’s fucking weird, how We can live Our life like this. Wonder if it happens to others. You know, people talk about walking into a room and forgetting why they came there in the first place. We’re talking about walking into a room and forgetting who the fuck We are for a minute or two. Like literally, like, We don’t even know what place this is, and We do mean that general term earth.

Be right back.

Well. We slept eight hours, though apparently it was real bad sleep, and then of course looking at it, we had like two hours of wake time, that’s on top of the eight. So ten total. Having ten and still not replenishing, that’s messed up. Don’t know why We wake up so much. Really don’t know. It could be a lot of things…

Did get loads of REM. Over ninety minutes for sure. That’s good. Because We need that really.

You know, this shit ain’t a hundred percent. And honestly, how do you feel really. Because that’s what’s up. Not the watch, not the stupid data, not any of that new age crap, that digital age metric shit. Honestly, it’s a good thing for running, a good one for working out, it’s great for the time and some little add-ons like steps and whatnot…

In the end that shit don’t matter. What’s a digital representation of an electrical signal reception gonna tell you about how you feel. And to go even further, and We’re not shitting on blood-work, We’re not, but We are. Honestly, a couple months, take about a year and a half ago they told Us We were fine… We felt, and still do feel, like shit often times. Not always, just enough to be bothered. Sorta.

Always tired you know… And it’s not feeling tired, We don’t think about tired, We don’t wanna be tired, We don’t want anything to do with tired. And even now after a “good” sleep of over eight hours, it still creeps up on Us. Like, We just fucking woke up. We just did. This is it right. This is that which would drive most people mad. We’re already that, so We can’t go there anymore. It’s interesting. Sorta… How is it even possible to get this exhaustion thing fall upon us only twenty minutes after that workout. We should be gaining energy, not losing it. It’s such a strange thing, and it’s been going on for such a long time now. It often gets a lot worse when writing. The nodding off We talked about. That’s something that starts happening with the real deal, when We’re completely drained. Which will soon be the case again. It’s funny ain’t it. How far one can go, how fucking far one can push themself, beyond the point of exhaustion, exertion, working and working on, through the day, and into the night.

We took Our damn time with this one, doesn’t matter. Got a whole day for Us. Gonna hit those streets soon. Hope We can suck some energy from the cloudy air floating around Us. But We doubt that shit… We’ll see.

17:20

Those naps. Well, that shit ain’t working, and honestly, think it’s never gonna work. For some damn reason We get into deep and about a hour and half to two hours pass. It’s damn annoying. Also always feel like shot afterwards. That’s just how it goes. Don’t really know what to do with that shit though. Because if We don’t take them the naps will take Us. It’s always around the same time, or the after the same actions. We eat Our buff meal, something We could stop doing though then We do need to get in some more meals, and then it hits Us, that drowsiness, the sluggishness. We’re always fucked. We can try and fight it, We can, but it always ends in the same outcome. We nod the fuck off.

We’ve won now and then, yeah We fucking did, but then it was reflux burping all through the workout and even after that bitch.

You know, just wanted to write this shit down for once, mainly because We need to solve the problem here.

17:25

Straight into another one though. Fuck man.

Gotta stay on top of that dehydration. Not in the We’re gonna pass out from dehydration typa shit, nah. Just the We gotta give this body some more usable water typa shit. Yeah. Sometimes We lack in that department. Especially after consuming food.

Guess We need to work on energy. How do We turn on the energy. Honestly, it’s like he says, and then what We can make out of what he says. For Us it’s simple. We ran a hundred miles, We fucking ran a hundred miles. That’s what We did. In less than twenty-four hours. We fucking did that shit. We fucking did it. And that should be more than enough to keep Us going for now. At least doing what We’ve done so far.

20:12

Fuck…

Who do We wanna be. Who We gotta be? That’s a good one. Who is it We gotta be. Because there’s a lot one can be these days, there’s so much of that floating around, but being something you really ought, or being something you could that’s a big difference. We’re young in this. Not young in life, thirty already, you know, that’s not so young anymore. But We’re still young in this here. It’s only been two years now, a year on the tough shit. You know, it’s not about the running, not about the training, it’s not about any of that shit. It’s not even about the mental. Fuck the mental and the spiritual. It’s where you go with this, that inward motion.

That’s that shit…

20:19

Doesn’t matter what they say, doesn’t matter what they think. Doesn’t matter what they do, doesn’t fucking matter. Just do what you’re supposed to, and you’ll know exactly what that is, but only after you start doing, only after you take the journey head on. It’s the only way. There’s nothing else to do, not really. You could waste away, turn that precious time into garbage hours, turn all that shit into nothing. Or you could turn it into something valuable.

See, these fuckers always be expecting. They be expecting exactly what they wanted for themselves or from themselves. But they never gone out and got it. It bothers them. It really fucks with them all the time. That’s why they are exactly who they are. And it’s why you are exactly who you are.

Life itself is supposed to be this thing. It may be different for different kinds of people, because there’s different kinds of people. But to Our kind, well, this shit’s exactly that. The pain, the struggle, all the issues, the injuries, the opposition, opposing currents and whatnot. It’s always gonna be like that, and it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be. There’s nothing else for Us to do. There’s not a single thing outside of this that’s part of the plan or ever will be.

That damn food got here fast, see your ass later…

September 19

02:29

This ain’t good. Kinda lost track of time there. Sorta fucked now. But We gotta just get up early enough, still no idea what that is, but We gotta do it. Don’t know if it’s gonna work. Maybe should just get up if We wake at a certain “decent” hour. Like, don’t know what that’s gonna be, but We should try. It’s a rough one. Gonna feel tired as fuck, gonna have to try it though. Stay awake long enough, you know. Don’t know about the run though. Did think We should run a little longer, just to get back into those longer distances as fast as possible. Don’t know about the ankle weights. Don’t know if that shit’s coming up quick. Maybe wanna go for mileage first, you know, bump up to a certain amount, and then add some weight to certain runs, maybe do those week runs with weights and leave them off during the weekend.

This is good though, maybe We could push it a little here, because We gotta start pushing it, you know. Push it real good, so that We get knocked the fuck out tomorrow night and We’re all back on Sunday. Sunday’s that day of the week, Sunday’s that killer day. Sunday’s that do day, it’s gonna represent Our first day of the week. That’s what We should gun for. If We win on Sunday, We can win on every day, and then Tuesday’s gonna be the average Tuesday type thing, that’s where We make sure to set the standard. Not just with what We do, but also with how We feel and how We go about everything.

We should start getting this laid out, like, how We wanna tackle all this. Because the choice We’re gonna make, the one We gotta make, that Shitty Mud Road, that’s gonna require every little bit We got. And if We get into it, deep into that shit, then that’s where We’ll find more. But know all this, We understand that there’s not gonna be much time to think on actions and plans and ways of going forward and evolving down this path. So We gotta have a blueprint to be quick about it. That’s probably gonna be done in the first few weeks, like really look at that shit and understand what it is.

Damn We’re blasting. Didn’t even notice.

Here it is, here’s where it’s gonna happen. Here’s what’s up. Grow, in all ways possible. Not just physical, and even that, it’s not that simple, it’s not just physical. We can go into areas, split it up, you know. Talk about endurance and strength and physique. But even then, go deeper and talk about explosive strength, timeless strength, repeating strength as in bursts. Also the endurance part, there’s long, super long, and ultra long endurance. It’s a strange thing. It’s a mess. We’re just naming it so We understand and so We can talk about it. But this shit is serious though. Gotta figure out how to work with all this, gotta get better at understanding this crap. Instead of writing about other people’s bullshit and the regular bullshit that this world and life provides, We could be writing about some of this shit. Maybe even write about writing, like, become a pro at writing about the writing, because We’re trying to develop something here. It’s not your average text, not your standard method. We avoid fancy words for a reason. It’s simple. Keep it simple, or you’ll lose sight of what’s really in front of you.

Not gonna go much deeper into this shit right now, there’s no point. It’s time to unwind one last time, well, completely. Tomorrow’s the last day of relaxation, sorta. Then it’s back to the chopping block, back on the logs, get those motherfuckers cut up nice and clean. Make ’em ready for that fire.

See your punk ass around…

11:12

Yeah. Didn’t even realize that shit. It’s a new week, but more important, it’s been a while damn year. Not so much really, because We only started doing this thing around halfway maybe. Or at least for real, you know, being all serious about it.

But are We really. Are We really serious about this shit? Because if We are then We can do this, if We’re not, then this is never gonna work. Because once We start doing this, it’s practically forever. There’s no end to this, no real end though. Until We die of course, but then it’s no longer Our problem, is it now. That’s the good thing about death, this shit here, all of this, it’ll no longer be Our problem once We die. Same goes for you and everyone else.

Well, this here’s a circle. We’re sorta starting over, maybe. Didn’t do much last year, though, before We started this section We had a couple more notes running and reading back on those We found one where We talked about the fifty miler. So it is sorta a circle though more a spiral. One that’s leveling up. Sorta…

We wanna keep it that way. Really do. Because We don’t know where the damn thing might carry Us, what that fucker’sgonna show Us. It’s some strange shit. But that’s something it always was, you know, from the beginning of time up until this point, it’s been something else. That’s why We always say it’s useless commiting suicide. Though it’s the most interesting thing you could do, and the fact that it’s a viable option if you want it to be. But there’s just no point. There’s no real reason to commit suicide. Not one. Not the sharpest pain, not the heaviest discomfort nor crushing solitude. It doesn’t matter what you can think up, We will tell exactly the same thing. Suicide is not worth it, because that’s where it all ends and you don’t know what’s behind that corner of agony. There might be a pot of gold. Don’t blame Us though, if there’s not. First of all, We’re not saying take the path down that road. That path is an option, that path is something. But doesn’t mean you have to do it. You’ll never know though if you don’t.

Example. We have an excuse. Well, there’s always a couple, but We got one, a good one, to not go for that run. This achilles tendon of Ours has been acting up after the hundred miler, though today during Our morning workout this shit has been sending signals from the lower part of the calve. And those were some nasty stings. Stings in a sense that should’ve stopped Us from doing the workout. And you see, that’s a decent excuse, but it’s not a reason, and also, who knows, maybe it gets better. Maybe it gets good. That could be the case too, if We run on the damn thing now, how easy will it be when the fucker’s healed. You see, now that’s thinking, that’s mental work. Is it what should be done, is it the path you must walk. Don’t fucking know, maybe it’s something else… Probably. But if you get after it turning every excuse into a reason to still do it, to still try and finish it, to still get on it. Well, that’s probably gonna make you a powerful human. Not invincible, not the best, but damn powerful for sure.

15:53

Gotta get this thing down first, then it’s on to the bar. Gotta get on that bar. Not for long though. Not just yet. That’s gonna change tomorrow. Oh, how We wanted to rush that shit. Crazy right. We’re gonna relish the fact that We took Our time, you know, took it slow. Because as soon as the numbers are up again, there’s no fucking way back.

That’s the nasty part about it. Gotta do a couple of things, but mainly it’s simple. Go up in weight, preferably not fat, a mixture will do, need some fat you know. So go up in weight and get harder, meaning, be able to last longer in an endurance sense. Longer ultras, be able to get more volume in if required. Stuff like that. There’s a lot of shit that must be done even when it’s just two main focuses. But those two go surprisingly tough against each other. Although volume often requires more mass, it doesn’t necessarily when that volume is done in a state of constant brink of exhaustion. Brink of exhaustion. What kinda magical slur of words did We pull from Our ass this time. Well. Brink of exhaustion to Us is simple. It refers to the point where you’re starting to recuperate but are far from completing another set without having that urge to stop, that place of mental failure. Which brings Us to a whole other dilemma. One We ain’t gonna explain right now, so the simple explanation of an urge to stop must suffice for now. And actually it should, because if you do it properly, then you will certainly come across that sensation quite fast.

It’s actually simple to attain. Just get an exercise, for example, Navy-seal Three-pumps, and do it as follows, find a decent rep range. For Us it became five full reps, so that includes fifteen push ups total. Those five reps take about forty to fifty seconds, all depending on the set. Since slapping on the weighted vest Our total sets only gone up to eight. But what’s real important, We only have forty-five seconds to rest. So that averages Our set time. Which means our work and rest equal one to one. On the pull-ups though, that shit leans closer to a one to two. So fifteen for work and twenty-nine for rest.

Leg blasters is kinda hard but We just take a minute between the round. And the kettlebell workout We’re doing now is EMOM for half an hour, no rest in between rounds, so everything back to back.

That’s about it. The morning workout is a stranger sequence of sets. It’s from push-ups into squats three times with ten seconds between each set, and then a set of ab wheel roll-outs. Then a minute rest, then back into that two more times.

Don’t really like talking about that shit though. It’s not really a secret, but it’s just that there’s been a lot of searching and planning and working out both literally and figuratively, to get this thing together. It’s been about a year and two to three months now.

We used to be so worried about, you know, that shit getting out there and people maybe stealing it. It’s one of Our stupid notions you know. Forgive Us for that at least. Now We understand though. We know though. It doesn’t matter. Not really. Nobody’s gonna do this shit, or at least do it the proper way. Because in order to do it the proper way you must do this seven out of seven, no days off. That’s how We roll. The only time you can shift the program and drop some shit is when doing some big event like We do, some ultra, or a triathlon for example. But then you gotta build it back up as quickly as possible. And as soon as you’re back on track there’s no lowering of volume, there’s just that endless daily grind.

Sorta liked it, sorta didn’t.

Didn’t talk about numbers, only for the Navy’s, so you know. We also add two sets of twenty declines wit one minute of rest after those eight sets. So if you know math you can go about calculating the total amount of push-ups there. And add two hundred from the morning workout. That’s the daily total.

18:02

Well. Guess We gotta put down a little bit, just a tiny bit of shit. Just an understanding of sorts. It’s Saturday, so that’s nice. Saturday’s nice. Still got some time, you know, to enjoy. To let go. That will be over soon. Very soon.

September 20

00:20

Just turned off that damn computer. Guess it’s done. Guess We’re done. Well, not really. Done with that bullshit. Probably. Hopefully. Hope this shit ain’t for nothing. Hope these words aren’t just empty late night feel good words. They might be. That all depends on what We do. It all depends on what We do.

This is where We are now. Here. At this crossroads. We said this shit before. But this is where We are now. We allowed ourself to stay stuck here for just a bit, because the decision is big, the outcome even bigger. But the struggle, that daunting endeavor down one lane, it’s immense, it’s more than anyone can handle. It’s gonna ask everything, and man We’re gonna hate it, We’re gonna wish that We’re not in it anymore. Because that’s the only way, staying in it, in the grind, in the suck. It’s not even a grind, and it’s gonna do a lot more than just suck. It’s gonna require Us to go all the way. But going all the way means there’s no other option. There’s never gonna be another option. Not after this choice though. Because if We do this, if We really go through with this, which We should… Our life, well, it will never be the life We know now, have known, and envisioned for ourself. This is something different, something entirely different. It’s hard work. That’s all it is. Hard work. No plan, no future, no destination. Just hard work to surpass ourself every time.

So here We are… One more, then it’s over with. Done with the shit, you know. Done with all the bullshit. Because We ain’t got no room left. Nothing… Not for smokes, not for games, not for anything. Whatever time We got, well, that’s time We should devote to this. And there will be moments. Moments of rest, moments of unwinding. Sure. Everybody needs that. But… First things first, and those extras, well, they’re only there when everything else’s been ticked off. That much is certain.

You know how this thing’s gonna go, how this thing is. We work on this, but the bulk of Our time will be wasted on a damn job We hate, but We gotta do it, you know, pay the bills. Then every other minute We need goes to working out, running and shit. And then comes the disciplinary tasks, kitchen, groceries, whatever. You know. And then there’s this. And that’s like the end of the line, and whatever’s left, well. There won’t be anything left. Just gotta make this thing work, whatever the fuck this is. Whatever it means to Us and whatever it means to anyone else.

You know what’s funny. We know now, We know damn well now what hard work is, and We know those that talk about it, like, talk about their “past life”, as if they’ve started living something else, We know they didn’t do shit. They think they did, they think they tough, they think they’re all this. But they don’t know shit. They don’t know the slightest thing about hard work. To get to this point was a lot of shit, and now that We’re here We call what We’re about to embark on hard work… And once We get to the next stage, once this is over, this step that is, then We will call that next one hard work and forget all about the shit We’re about to do now. Even though it’s always gonna ask everything.

It always asked everything, but back in the day, back when we started, We didn’t have much to give. And now We’ve built that up to give practically everything. That’s why We gotta go further, because that everything can become more, a lot more. We’re not done, not even close…

Let’s enjoy these last one or two and then get back to this, a new one maybe, and then it’s tome for bed, because tomorrow We’re gonna put every chip on Us and hope We hit the jackpot, well keep working until We do. Because tomorrow is that day. Tomorrow there’s no way back. And fuck are We gonna fail a lot.

01:05

Fuck…

Well, that was it. Not exactly what We imagined. Funny how time rolls on by. Doesn’t fucking matter what you do. There’s nothing. Not one thing that’s gonna stop this motherfucker from flowing. Oh yeah… Time’s gonna fuck you up. And that inside, that mental factory printing ideas, mass producing notions. It doesn’t stop. It never stops, so if it doesn’t, then maybe make it work in your favor.

How… Who the fuck knows. There’s always gonna be this part that works against you. But We’re gonna make sure that every bit which can work for Us, well, every small bit will pile into a heap of positive negatives and negative positives. Whatever the fuck that might mean.

That’s the funny part about this. We’re just typing out what comes to mind, it’s like these words are given. It’s like a damn gift… Sorta, maybe a curse, who knows, who cares. As long as it puts this shit in the notes, We’re not gonna ask many questions. Might dampen the magic, might eradicate the flow. Because that’s what it is. Sometimes it takes a bit of time, sometimes it’s there even before We start. It’s a weird fucking thing. All We know is that it won’t let Us go, no matter what. It never has and it never will. It’s been there from the beginning, since We were little, and it’s still here. But now, looking back, ignoring it for so long because everyone told Us We had a problem, well, it’s not as sharp as it could be. The last two years did bring that edge back, but now it’s time to sharpen that fucker beyond anything We deem possible or necessary. We gotta keep at it. Improve it. And whenever it seems to grow dull again, We gotta up the game once more.

It’s about leveling up. It’s about getting that experience, over and over and over, until We’re so bored with it, and then, then We do it all over again. This is it. This is life. This is the meaning. It’s not something you do. It’s doing something forever. Not just something. It’s doing your life. It’s yours, so better get to it. Nobody else can live this piece of shit, nobody else can walk these damn shoes, it’s cringe, but it’s true. Probably why it’s cringe. Fuck.

Think We’re gonna suffer some tomorrow. We’re gonna have to suffer. Gonna have to deal with the pain We’ve got now. You know this is it. This is where everyone would stop. Not really, but sorta. If they were in this position that is. So this is where We must start. All the pain, all the injuries, whatever it is. Here’s where We gotta start.

We gotta fucking do it. And like We said before. Hope these words ain’t some of those empty ones. You know, the ones everybody else’s using, and Us, We also used them a lot. We’re guilty of this thing just the same. That’s life man. It’s what it is. Years wasted, so now it’s time to work double-time, over-time. Ah, this things gonna suck. This is gonna suck real bad, but that’s exactly why We should do the damn thing.

If We keep this up, there’ll be a reward at the end, no fucking doubt about that. So let’s relax and sleep. Get up tomorrow and go hard. And from then on it’s always hard and never off… That’s just how it’s gonna be.

Sleep tight punk, sleep good.

11:27

Fuck, sorta failed already, but We know, there’s too much of that fire burning right of the bat. We gotta take it slow, step by step. Like We always say. Today was ten forty, somewhat. Maybe even ten fifty. But We’ll take ten forty so that We can turn it into ten twenty tomorrow. That’s the deal, you know. This wasn’t so bad after all. It put Us in a position on which We can work. Think about it. Say We got up at nine or something similar, then We would’ve had to do the same damn thing at least for this entire week. Now We gotta work on rising earlier, sure, but that’s a challenge and it can be done through bits and pieces. Like a twenty minute cut-off. That’s a doable goal. It’s a focus, a plan, a win. Small wins. That’s all it is. But guess We kinda forgot what those small wins are… Or to appreciate those. Like the workout We just did. The one We do every time We wake up. That’s a damn win. Two hundred weighted push-ups, squats, and forty-five ab wheel roll-outs in twenty minutes isn’t nothing. It’s not the best, but it’s not nothing. It’s been in the works though, for a long time now.

Ain’t got shit. People be load. People always be load, so We gotta do this thing, focus. You know, just ignore it all… That’s all there is to it. And while We type it out We lose concentration again.

Ah, We suck when it comes to that fucking thing. That’s Our weakest point probably. Got so many issues with focus and concentration. Well, depends though. If We get it right, if We sink all the way then We’re unstoppable… Gone for hours, you know. That’s that. But it’s not something We can activate, at the moment that is, but maybe We can learn to do that… If that’s at all even possible. Don’t fucking know.

Well. Words are words, but this shit ain’t just random. It’s not just happening for no reason. But there’s no reason in it, no logic, you see… It’s without anything, without everything. There’s nothing, and there’s not a thing. It’s all vague, never clear, for some reason it can’t be, but don’t look for any reason there because yet again, there’s no reason in the damn thing. It’s a strange sense. To have no reason, no purpose, nothing. Just words on words on words, and then they form madness like this that makes no sense, but doesn’t even come close to being nonsense. Wish it would, but it doesn’t. So We gotta continue until it either becomes nonsense. Or, well, makes a little more sense. Though the amount of notes necessary to get there is beyond Our knowledge though We understand it’s gonna take a lot.

You know what’s fucked up. Sometimes We take ten minutes to write a little over a hundred words, and sometimes these motherfuckers fly out in less than four. So We do wonder what that’s all about. Even when in the same sorta flow state. Maybe it’s the topic, the passion on that topic, the interest in that topic, or where the topic might lead Us. Because, some of the times We don’t even really know where these words are taking Us. Yeah. That’s a funny part about all this. When it happens it feels like it’s someone else writing this mess, and then it’s like all okay. You know, it’s like back to normal, but it never gets there really. Don’t mind. Normal would be boring, don’t ya think. Hey, some people don’t mind, and We tell those people “good for you”. But We know that deep down, all the way down, they hunker for that special, they yearn for that weird, they wish for that out of order, strange, wackedoodle shit. They wanna go crazy once. But they can’t seem to let go of that stern side. The one keeping them down.

17:04

Well. Guess it’s something. Could be nothing. Should be anything. Holy shit. Got down for about hour and a half again. It’s weird… Really seems to be something, like something inside Us that’s not okay. Don’t know, you know. Never checked it out. Or at least… Well, We were okay overall a year and a half ago. So honestly, what could’ve happened right. In that timeframe? Do We did go harder, We started sleeping less, working more, We started doing a lot of shit We never did before. It’s like well, this is it, you know. Ever since We started this thing a year ago, little over a year ago, that’s when the craziness begun. So is it something from work, is it something in the house, does it have something to do with Our routine, the food We eat, the way We work out, how far We go, whatever. We just know, whenever We sleep, or nap, and then wake up, well, that’s when We feel like dying. We feel like We’re falling apart, whatever. But as soon as We roll into things, workouts and whatever, well, We start to get back together, start to grow awakened again if that’s even possible as an explanation.

Yeah, really don’t fucking know what the shit is. Been at this for a bit now, maybe it’s just too much, maybe this really is how We’re supposed to feel. Maybe it’s a sorta punishment for taking those naps, maybe it is a curse for staying up so late and missing clock-time. Clock-time is the time when We wished We’d gotten up. Something like the time We had in Our mind the day before. If We don’t hit it, well, We get crank, deservedly, you know, We fucked it up ourself. But sometimes We’re just so fucking tired. So fucking tired.

And it’s not like We’re tired in Our head, We fucking wish We were, nah, when you start nodding off uncontrollably in the most random places, well, you’ve got an issue. Probably. Definitely…

Don’t know what to do with all that. Guess We’ll keep on fighting it. Maybe it’ll roll over, though We doubt this is some of that shit. You know, the shit that passes by. Feels sorta like that endless vat is leaking, like it’s damaged somewhere, but honestly, in order to fix it, We must first drain it, and there’s so much left in that bitch.

Fuck it. Let’s see what’s up with this. Gotta work on the thing later, gotta fucking do it. Gotta look at what’s up and what We can do, for the moment you know.

It’s important that thing gets up and running. Not necessarily today. Just this week, at least by Friday you know. We got this whole week for ourself and We can either fuck it up like We always do, stay up late, waste Our time, or get it right, get to bed and get up early and work with what We’ve got. Gotta work with what We’ve got. That’s all We can do. And make sure that what We’ve got grows. Because if that’s the case then We got more to work with and then that’s in Our advantage.  Sorta simplistic shit, like straightforward, sounds unnecessary to bring up, but believe Us, you better say shit to yourself all the time. Even if it sounds simple, even if it looks straightforward. Doesn’t fucking matter, because the mind’s a tricky motherfucker. And when push comes to shove, yeah, the mind’s gonna forget all about those straightforward things and focus on one thing alone. Getting the fuck out.

19:12

Damn shit. Always with them updates. It’s annoying as fuck. And honestly, everything is annoying as fuck. There’s no silence, nowhere… Can’t get no peace and quiet. That’s just what this is. One day We must get there, you know… Figure out how to get there. That place of quiet. For now, this shit’ll have to do, and We’re just gonna have to be a monk about it. Always zen. Or at least try to be Zen. Go to a garden, you know. Maybe do get some noise cancelling headphones. Maybe. Not for the music, just to block out all that bullshit. Like that. If it’s like a constant then it’s not a problem, but it’s never a constant, goes up and goes down, it’s a spiral of different tunes and tones. It’s something We’ve been trying for so long now, but We just can’t seem to get it right. And that’s it. You know, the peace We’ve had this last week, you know, being home and shit, the short hours being alone, that’s been such a delight, though it’s not enough.

Shit… Shiiiiiyyyt…

Don’t know what to do, because it’s Us, you know, it’s something with Us, about Us. It’s something We gotta do. And it’s not something We can like, cast aside, or keep letting run its course. It’s something We’ve gotta deal with as fast as possible. We need that place, you know, there’s a place We must go. A spot where We can find answers, sorta. Maybe more like snippets, slivers of the full painting, and then with time We can bring these bits and pieces together and finally figure out what the fuck this is all about.

22:33

Is it that hundred percent? It’s not. But We didn’t even start at about twenty, so, maybe twenty-one’s a good aim now. Look. We’ve learned. That’s one. We’ve changed, that’s two, and We’ve prepared. That’s three. So, in a sense We took three good steps, and tomorrow’s a new day for new steps. Honestly. It’s just getting this thing running. That’s all. Maybe even make it more simplified than it already is. Like, just bam, here it is, this is it, deal with it, or don’t. It’s not that We wanna attract fashionistas, or have a five star rating for layout, whatever. We wanna make it functional, easy access, just raw presentation. This is what it is, and that’s it, you know. That’s just it.

We got this thing going. The letters will need some work, but overall they’re done. Don’t even know if We wrote all of them eventually, was supposed to be twenty-one if We’re not mistaken.

Fuck it, take a piss, wash the pan, and unwind. Maybe write another shit. We’ll see…

Well, definitely before We sleep.

23:31

This a nasty one. On the Jhon. But fuck it. What do We do. Grab this shit. Just drop some bullshit. At least for that little amount of time We got. Don’t know what’s left though. Shouldn’t hit the sheets too late, gotta get up early enough. Set that alarm already, maybe. Doesn’t matter now. It’s set. Shit’s gonna hurt though. Probably. Not so much as We will get, if We don’t fuck it up, a decent amount of sleep. Should be able to, you know. But usually We manage fucking that up. Doesn’t matter. Don’t need eight. Never needed eight. We don’t need all those bullshit hours. It’s what they want Us to believe. It gets you all fucked up. But then again, those naps and shit, don’t know if that’s so smart either. Don’t fucking know. Don’t know what they did back then and We probably never will. It’s a mess you know. All of that info. It’s just random people figuring out random shit, untill We get all the damn data and then We can make a solid definition of all this shit. You know, what ot really is, how it really works.

Because nobody knows. You should believe Us on that. There’s those that think they do. Then there’s those that know they don’t. And then there’s some that try figuring out what it is they don’t know exactly. Sorta like that.

It’s a strange world.

You know, many people are full of shit. It all starts with wanting. You gotta understand that when one wants something, it creates the need for this bullshit to arise from somewhere. Someone is gonna sell that crap to someone who wants it. The one selling it is gonna pretend he or she knows a thing or two about this shit, and maybe they do, but remember, it’s because the other person wanted that shit in the first place. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a single reason for that bullshit to exist.

Now We’re not saying this is good or bad, it’s just what it is. That’s just how the damn thing works…

September 21

00:43

Here’s the one. The one before bed. Fuck bed. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Honestly. We still don’t know what this is exactly. Don’t care actually. Never much did so in any sense. Remember when We was real young, playing stupid videogames… And then it happened. He was gonna leave. Remember it as bright as day. He doesn’t fucking like when We talk about it, but that’s what people don’t get, We don’t care. It’s not that We hate him for it, if all is said and done We still love the guy, because he did come back. And that’s more than anyone could ask for. But then and there with his duffel bag, he was ready to leave. Did he really leave then, for a bit. But it was not long after that when he left. You know, he was shouting, because We didn’t seem to care, We never cared. We didn’t even really care about the videogame. All We ever cared about then and now, is this thing running, this string of visuals representing thought. Sorta. Oh, did We love being alone. But there it was and there it always was. That pressure, that neverending demand to be a part of this existence. You know, that flow of life that drags you around, has you talk with people, be with people, always and ever present so that others can unload their crap, so that others can drown out the noise they never attempted to handle, never figured to endure, to live with. You know, the whispers. Those constant reminders of what you are, what you could be, what you could’ve done, could’ve said. Whatever. It’s always talking. It’s not gonna stop. And sure, fucking sure you can drown this shit out, but by now We’ve come across so many motherfuckers who’ve drowned the noise and when We look at who they are, not as their name, but as a human, well, We’re fucking glad We don’t compare at all. Nothing similar. Man. All that shit.

Are We there yet, nah, and We never will be. Are We enlightened, fucking bullshit is that. We’re nothing, and We love for it to stay that way. But everyone always wants to turn Us into something, something We might be, and something We might not. It doesn’t matter. They always label. It’s the only thing they’ve learned. Label and categorize. Fuck. Everything equals nothing. Because nothing is everything it ever was. Dude. It’s sickening. And by now, by now We hope it’s fucking clear. We don’t wanna explain this shit, that’s boring, but maybe We should. This isn’t how We view the world. Man, that would be contradictory as fuck. One moment We’re all hyped and can’t stop and the other moment it’s pure darkness and a neverending rant on shit that doesn’t really matter.

It’s just thoughts, just, you know, just a spiral of ideas and notions unwinding and seeking a way out of this, whatever this thing is. The mind, the mental ground… Doesn’t matter what this fucking thing is. It’s fucked, and so is this world. But it’s also the most beautiful thing in existence, and so is this world. You can’t explain that this shit doesn’t matter, not one bit. People have to understand, and to do that they must witness this thing with their own heart. The emptiness of it all. And that’s a scary thing. It really is. Yeah it’s fucking scary. We’ve been dealing with this crap for twenty-five years now. And it’s probably not gonna let Us go. It’s got a hold on Us unlike any other being on this surface. Maybe that’s why We’re here doing this shit.

Fuck man…

See, that’s what We mean when We talk about that flow thing. Just got this down in such a short amount of time, when other times it would take twice the amount or even more. This is some sick shit, but We get all passionate about it, and We even forget who We are, what We are, and the fact that We’re a living thing. Maybe We’re not. Maybe this is all some big illusion. Maybe… But who cares. That’s the point. You shouldn’t care. Shouldn’t care whether it’s real or fake, whether it’s worth it or not. This shit doesn’t matter. Do what you gotta do and move the fuck on. This is the whole point.

They always look at Us like We’re some freak, like what We say is so weird, but deep down they know… Deep down they fucking know. And that might be the fucking reason they avoid listening, they avoid acknowledging. Their life, as much as Ours ain’t worth shit, it ain’t worth shit. It’s just one more clueless bundle of matter, decaying over time, and it’s gonna end some day and whatever was done, and whatever could’ve been done, it was all bullshit. All of it. Worth nothing. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. Do you enjoy, do you see it going somewhere for you, do you feel complete or at least saturated when doing these things. It’s about you, and it’s not. It’s about finding peace in doing nothing, and even doing anything is doing nothing. Because in the end, in the entire grand scheme of things, it doesn’t fucking matter. So, ya might as well do it anyway.

Peace out fucker.

This was some strange shit. Don’t know, went so fast that We don’t even know what’s in it really. Don’t care. Never did, never will. Still gonna do it. Still gonna fucking do it.

10:56

Yeah We do fucking hope this shit can heal properly, or at least somewhat even though We’re gonna continue. It’s a mess, you know. Don’t know if We should tape it up again, but yesterday did fuck it up, with the tape, because the tape pulled back and opened up the slit even further. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Don’t really know though.

Fuck, We hate these kinds of things. Because this some fucked up shit. This not something standard like a cut, a bruise, a motherfucking sprain. We can deal with those things. This here gets a little bit worse with “every” push-up, “every” stretching motion of the finger, “every” whatever the fuck gets that slit to rip further. You know, dig the cut a little deeper every time. And having calluses on both sides doesn’t really help in this scenario. Sure calluses are great, but not when it comes to this, because that shit, that shit don’t heal. That shit slowly degrades.

Damn…

Fuck it. Gotta get somewhere else. Don’t know really. There’s not much We can say right now. Hey, We gotta work on the thing. Then We gotta make the thing work for Us. We gotta make it work. Gotta turn this thing into a job, well, more into a life than anything else. It has to become Our life. Not right now. We don’t need this shit to change right now. Maybe We sorta do. But it’s more out of a protective perspective that it shouldn’t happen too fast. Because if it does We will go about killing ourself in workouts and running and that shit will destroy Us.

So it’s sorta good that We’re still on that nine to five, good that We’re always tired, good that We’re always feeling shit, so We don’t rush this damn thing. Gotta let the body get used to it. The only way though, is a constant state of exhaustion and pressure. Wanted to say injury and although most of these “pressures” are injuries, We’ll just use the word pressure. Because that’s all it is. Put some pressure on the motherfucker. But eventually the tempo, the load, the volume, it all has to go up. Maybe a change in jobs could do the trick at first, but eventually this thing We’re doing here has to sorta turn into Our job. Though We don’t see ourself teaching people, coaching people, training people, whatever. It’s not in Our nature but most of all, this ain’t for the masses. This ain’t healthy. This ain’t some random bullshit. This is some get yourself a lot of medical bills type a shit. The only difference, We don’t go to the doctor. Might hit the pharmacist later to have her look at the damn slit and give Us something to put on it like salve, and maybe tape it with something decent. Don’t know. But that’s about it. All the other shit. The calve, the achilles, the knee, the fatigue, the constant state of overall pain and stress. All that shit. Probably even got that CNS thing going on. Don’t care. Don’t wanna know. There’s definitely some chronic fatigue. That’s for sure. Whenever We sit for an extended period of time, much like right now, with writing, well, some shit starts. It’s a sequence. By now We know how it goes. The body gets hot, then heavy, it’s mainly the neck and shoulders at first. But then it spreads throughout the legs, and before you know it everything weighs a ton. Then those eyes start messing up. They can still see, but not really. They just stop taking in information. Then they start shutting, and that’s where it goes south real fast. Nodding off and shit. Not getting out of it, you know, being stuck in that damn zone, can’t do shit, can’t stay awake, can’t really sleep either. It’s not a nap, it’s nothing. It sucks. And We can’t seem to shake the damn thing. Even with all the rest We’ve had so far, it’s still there.

Ah, fuck it. Mot gonna bore ourself with this shit any longer. Time for a run…

15:46

It’s a little fucked, but it’s probably fine. Just a slit. Just another test, just another obstacle. Gotta find Our way through it, or around it. Whatever analogy you prefer. Doesn’t matter. Through, around, over. It’s all the same damn thing. Just one more struggle to face, one more thing to deal with. Put it on the list, throw it on the damn pile. This ain’t Us being negative. No “woo is me” kinda mentality. Everyone’s gonna have to deal with something similar to this, or exactly this. Could be anything. Could be any place. Doesn’t matter. It’s gonna happen nonetheless. Shit’s gonna happen. Oh shit’s gonna happen.

If you slide down this side of the mountain, shit’s gonna happen. Because this cliff, it’ll take you straight down into the pits of discomfort. Tar sucking you deeper and deeper into a suffocating abyss. You’re never gonna wanna be here. Never again. But you’re stuck, so it’s every day. Every single day it’s this crap, over and over, until it’s too much, and then something’s thrown on top and you realize all this time the weight you’ve been carrying around and notice that you can actually carry more. It’s not easy, it’s never gonna be easy. It’s never gonna get better. It doesn’t… That’s not the point. Life won’t get better, not for people like Us at least. It’s about getting harder. The harder We get, the more We can endure, the more We can endure, the more We can take on. The more We take on, well, the further We’ll get. Wondering how far We can go. Still a mystery to Us. And it should alway remain a mystery. If you feel like you’re okay, if you feel no pressure at all, then it’s time to pick up the pace. Oh you gotta pick up the pace. Not a running pace, not adding volume, it’s not about that. It’s just frequency and consistency. Add a little bit here, there, wherever. Make sure something starts hurting a bit (don’t do this if you’re not ready, and you’ll know when) and then push at that, day in day out. Keep hammering that tiny twinge and bash it into oblivion. Don’t purposefully injure yourself. Just go to a point where shit starts hurting, and that’s where you gotta stay, all the fucking time. It’s like all the others say, this message ain’t for everyone. It’s for a special kind of person. Not a savage, not a beast, not a monster, not a god amongst men, no alpha male bullshit, none of this crap. This ain’t for competition, or getting medals, running first place in a marathon, whatever. If that’s you, then get the fuck out because you’re gonna hurt yourself pretty bad. Go listen to someone that’s actually doing that. Nah, this here… How deep do you wanna go. How deep do you wanna venture inside. Because the pain, the constant state of anxiety for serious injuries, that neverending whisper of something’s gonna snap, break, tear, whatever… It’s gonna push you all the way into a deep madness you didn’t even know existed. You don’t wanna go there if you’re not insane already. You gotta be a little insane. It creates that urge to continue, that sense of never giving in, never giving up. So this is for the quitters. This here is for those who try something and quit, who go after something but never see it through.

We ran a hundred miles in something like twenty-two hours. Man, for someone who hates running, has a crooked back, fucked up knees and ankles, and whatever you can put down extra, this isn’t a pleasant experience. We hate that shit. We don’t wanna do that shit. We’ve been running for two years, and only one year of ultra-running. We don’t fucking like that shit. We don’t. And still We can. So you see, We don’t wanna fucking do it, even before We start, We don’t, and there’s no reason for Us to do it. But that’s the reason though. And during this thing, it gets bad, and We get all fucked up, and We get all tight, and that back starts herniating, and those calves start cramping and pulling and twisting. And those tendons start ripping, and snapping, and whatever. And it’s getting worse and worse. Every passing second, minute, hour. And the mind is begging to stop. And sure, three, four, five years ago We would’ve. But doing this, doing this damn thing, well. We don’t stop any longer. We might not make it, not the first, second, or third time… But We’re not gonna stop until We get the motherfucker in the bag.

And the reason, there’s no reason at all. That’s Our fucking reason. We didn’t have a reason. Maybe one small notion of let’s change from this punk into something respectable. Someone that’s true to his word. And for a piece of shit like Us, well, this is what’s necessary.

So We’re gonna do some fucking pull-ups with this damn slit in our finger, and We’re gonna do those Navy-seals, and some kettlebell swings and shit. Because We can’t care, We can’t stop. We shouldn’t care, and We shouldn’t stop. It’s beyond what We desire or what We fear. It’s the work that builds the reality, sorta…

Got this shit in the bag. Oh, We hate this thing too, would love to write some fictive bullshit, but that’s never gonna get Us somewhere. Maybe later in life, sure. But for right now this “biographical mess” is what’s necessary. Because it’s exactly what We don’t wanna do. Who wants to talk about all this crap. Who even wants to listen to this crap, let alone read it. But We gotta get it out there, because there might be something in it for someone. Hope there is, deep down in the madness that’s formed.

23:18

Did some damn good work. Fucking crazy. Wasn’t expecting this. Before We knew it… You know, We had to stop ourself. Not stop like cease all action, just you know, stop from taking it even further. Doing is one thing, but doing and learning at the same time, We can only take so much at once. But We’ll get there. It’s only Monday. Not disappointed. Just a couple more days. We actually got something up and running. So, there’s something there already. Now We gotta tweak it. Maybe make some socials. Don’t really know about that just yet. Might make one, you know. Maybe even use Our real name and shit. Grab some pictures, you know. Get something together, slowly, but certainly. Eventually some videos, and some audio, and whatever. You know. This is just the beginning. The beginning of madness. That’s what it’s all about, the damn fucking madness.

This ain’t gonna be a long one because, you know, We got that bed time motherfucker coming up. It’s gonna be a good one We hope. Because shit’s been cooking. Yeah this gonna get real. This gonna go deep. We gotta go deep. There’s something there. Just at the edge of that Vantablack. That pitch black…

You know how it is. That endless, limitless, edgeless, formless, darkness stretching beyond anything. It’s filled with notions, memories, past experience, whatever. There’s so much in it, a whole world, shapeless, rests within its madness. That’s what it really is. Maybe We can’t reach it before We sleep, maybe We won’t reach it at all. But it definitely awaits Our return. The land of vision, the land of creation, the universe of endless possibilities. We were lost once, deep within, not so much forever, just temporary moments between those restless wakeful dreads. Ah did We yearn for the sheets, for the land of Our imagination. Don’t fuck with it… Don’t you dare fuck with it. Be aware, be respectful, and most of all be knowledgeable, before you only think of dream-walking. It’s commonly referred to as lucid dreaming. And it’s possible. We’ve done it many times over, not so much now though as it requires energy, and that is energy We often lack these days. But that’s okay. We’ve found other pursuits. If ever interested though, in this pastime, well, enjoy. Anything is possible, though one can easily lose themselves within this land of self. Mainly because anything is possible.

Enough about that though. Because We’ll only need what’s at the edge.

September 22

01:03

Well. Guess of We can keep this shit up, We might just go somewhere. Don’t know what it’s gonna be really. Like, it’s something that’s close to creation, which is unknown until created, sorta. Sounds logical, sorta. Don’t know. Don’t know what this is exactly, said it before and We will repeat that shit because that’s exactly what it is. That’s life. We don’t know, We just do, sorta, well, We’re either doing or We’re not. Sounds like life to Us. Sometimes you are doing shit, and sometimes you’re just sitting there, maybe contemplating shit, whatever. You know. You know how it goes. Maybe you’re contemplating on the shit you did, maybe something else entirely. Past, present, future. Can’t really contemplate on the present though. That’s more like taking in the moment then. That’s the ultimate state of being. When nothing else matters and you’re just here in this moment either doing something or just sitting about, just, here, you know. Nowhere else, not back then or there, not somewhere off into what’s possible. Fuck what’s possible and fuck what brought you here. Here’s all that matters. Because you’re either doing shit to get somewhere else without pondering the destination too much, or you’re just here wasting away. And that’s not a negative. You’re always wasting away, but when doing nothing then you’re doing nothing other than wasting away. That’s just it. That’s all it ever was, and that’s all it ever will be. Maybe a healthy balance between the doing and the not doing, that’s what We need, though understand that the doing outweighs the not doing something like three to one. Something like that. Maybe even four to one. And then that’s put of five. So that means it’s eighty percent doing and twenty just sitting around enjoying where you are.

Can’t look back. Don’t look back. Don’t. Every now and then, meaning sometimes you gotta respect what you did and didn’t do. And know that it is what it is. There’s nothing you can do about it now. Fuck, if only there was such a possibility right. Think many people would give their soul to change the past. But there’s no point really. Because then that version that becomes the you now will hate other things about the past and not have a soul to exchange for change. Crazy right. How can We say this, how do We know this. We don’t. But when you look deep inside, you know this to be the truth. There’ll always be some bullshit you wish didn’t go down as it did. And that’s not gonna change. We’re resentful motherfuckers to begin with. Crazy right. Fucking crazy, but it’s true. Always resenting what We didn’t get and what We wish We weren’t given. That’s certain. Everybody’s got this thing. Monks’ve been fighting these notions for years, decades, millenniums, doesn’t matter how long, all that matters is that even these motherfuckers, these so called masters of emotion and mind have been fighting the very things We resent within ourself. It’s funny ain’t it. How hard We try not to feel these sad sensations, these mad eruptions, these slurring depressions, yet, when happiness does come along We open it with the widest arms and fear the letting go before departure has even been announced. We reminisce on the reminiscing, and then wonder why life becomes so bleak, why every experience is hollow. It’s like taking pictures of the pictures. We’re guilty of this too, screenshotting pictures of ourself or another. This is mad behavior. There’s a certain insanity to it. And it isn’t part of the good insanity. Nah, this ought to be researched.

Remember, always remember that before the year eighteen hundred, pictures weren’t really a thing. It was around eighteen hundred twenty six that the first picture was taken and it probably took hours since the technology relied on sunlight. Fuck. Can you imagine. Standing still for hours besides a stupid waterfall, because you could forget you were ever there. Or you have to prove you’ve been there, or whatever. That’s that mentality. Picture or it didn’t happen. That kinda shit is sorta sickening. And sure. It’s a beautiful thing that We can record the things around us and ourself, and have others enjoy the sights we’ve seen. But they never will perceive that shit the way one does as he visits those places. To Us it often seems like s forgotten something. You know, to just enjoy the moment. Take it in. Use your natural camera and snapshot that shit into your fleshy hard drive. That’s something We enjoy. And it’s true. We do enjoy some of the pictures as a reminiscence of what We did or were doing at a certain time. But there’s no picture or video that will tell Us what We were doing at that time any better than Our own memory or the memories of that moment.

Always remember though that the mind’s a tricky bastard, so don’t always trust your memories blindly. Especially when distorted by substance or whatever.

Fuck it. Kinda feels like these things are turning into negative rants all the time. We really don’t mean to put it that way. We really appreciate the current state of the world around Us. There hasn’t been a better time to be alive. Only an idiot would claim otherwise. But it’s just that some of these things are dangerous to the human soul and just our overall existence. We should tread carefully as we navigate through this madness of abundance of information. Because it can be dangerous.

So rest now. Rest your sorrow, and rest your happiness. For tomorrow We suffer once again. We must. It is the only real thing We can do…

10:36

Tuesday.

It wasn’t easy. But it happened. We did. Think it’s got something to do with how We go to sleep. Don’t really know. You know. We felt sluggish. Still do a little, but it’s mainly gone due to that workout. Nah, We kinda felt like shit. We really did. But We groaned. Yeah, We fucking groaned Our way out of bed. Often times We do that during the workouts, and for some reason We did it here now when waking up. Well, when that alarm went off and We didn’t feel like it. Because We really didn’t feel like it. Oh We fucking did it. But We guess this was like a fifty-fifty. You know, one leg out of bed and the other still tucked in good beneath the sheets. Yeah, it’s fucked up. But maybe it’s because this thing has been a habit, you know, for so long. We’re talking way before We even thought about doing this. All those years before.. it was this bad habit. Now We’re probably undoing that long lasting bad choice and it’s gonna take some time. It always does. This took some time too, and it didn’t go as planned from the first attempt. Nah, it took multiple.

You know, saying this doesn’t mean We can fail on purpose, or let failure run its course. Never. It’s just wise to understand that failure might be a part of this, and in some scenarios definitely will be. All depends on the task and the severity of the opposition. Sorta. Don’t really know how to explain that in another way. Failure’s just a part of life. Doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail so big that you’ll die. Well, that shit doesn’t happen anymore, or not so often at least. Back when We ran around hunting shit that was a different story. Not gonna go into that though. Any decent brain could figure out what We’re talking about.

It’s almost… It’s like you want to fail. Or at least that’s where We got ourself to, to that point where it’s like, We wanna fail in ways, so that We can learn quicker, but also more, and deeper, and whatever. But it’s true what they say. There’s so much knowledge in all this, in the failure. It’s crazy. You know. People quit at the first sign of trouble. People stop dead in their tracks, look around, lose sight, and turn back. Even though there’s a billion ways to track the beast and hunt it. It’s strange. Good thing not everyone’s like this, because then this world, our world, the human world, would be fucked. Really. We wouldn’t have a lot. Probably still running around with oil lamps, of We even got that far. Torches maybe.

Honestly, We sorta were the same. We always, or eventually, ran in the opposite direction of where We had to go, because shit got hard, because there was no end in sight, because there was an obstacle course in front of Us. You know, most of all, We didn’t see ourself as worthy and ready, even though We believed We were capable. We didn’t see Us as the one to do it really. Because that’s also important. You gotta believe you deserve the outcome. Whether it’s money, a beautiful wife, a fancy car, an achievement, a daunting goal. Whatever. It doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as you really want it and believe you deserve that attaching attribute, well, then it’s fine.

Damn We’re tweaking. We’re not all here are We. Did notice that shit. You know, gazed off into the “distance” a couple times here. Maybe it’s not that interesting of a topic to Us, but hey, gotta talk about everything, don’t We. That’s what this is all about. Being able to talk about anything. That’s something magnificent, ain’t it. Being able to put anything into words without twitching, without losing the mind at the sight of those horrific visuals the brain can create when thinking up ways to put whatever’s in their into words.

Guess We’re done though. For now. Always try and aim for about six hundred right. If We do that three times a day at a minimum, well, then We do have some shit every day. Doesn’t mean it’s worth anything.

See ya punk. Go for that run.

16:13

Well. Here We are, little bit later compared to yesterday. Or is it. Well, like half an hour. Not much more. That’s crazy, because We got up later and went to the store like almost an hour later. Not really but still, close to that.

Yeah, not really in this shit. Don’t know why. Guess We’re distracted, in a way, you know, thinking about stupid shit. It’s a Tuesday, that’s important. Like this thing, Average Tuesdays. It’s a thing somebody said. Can’t really remember exactly. But what was said is simple. Look at your average Tuesday and that’s how life’s gonna be. How well you perform, how you go about your day. Whatever. It’s just a figurative notion. It’s not real. But there’s some sense behind it.

Understand that your days now decide your days in the future. Or better said, shape them. The way you act now is the way you’ll act then, and in that moment, however far from now, the opportunity to rise up could exist, so, would you rather have the discipline, the mindset, the way of life, necessary to handle that opportunity to your fullest capabilities. Or will tou await that moment and only start creating the behaviors and mindsets necessary for this in that moment. When it might be too late.

Sometimes We do feel We suck. Always with the simplistic explanation, sometimes kinda looks like it’s actually making it harder to understand, tougher to digest. Shouldn’t care though. These things come back, and next time We might find a better way to explain it as simple as possible. But hey, this shit ain’t simple. It really isn’t. It’s life. A complicated mess bundled together specifically for you to enjoy, but not really though.

Do try and enjoy whatever the fuck this is. Can’t walk around all grumpy and sad, and mean, and with whatever negative thinking you can maintain without killing yourself. That’s different for everyone though. Something We figured out when We were little. Oh, We can go deep, very fucking deep, like depression kinda deep and even beyond, but like in an instant. Wouldn’t wanna do it though, because example begets knowledge, and knowledge becomes curse. So, yeah. Don’t. Don’t… Never venture that far into the brain, because all of us possess this part, this place of depressed sensation, it’s where sadness and shit comes from. All the negative thinking, the comparing, the sizing, the whatever you do that has anything to do with anyone else. It’s like, don’t. Fucking don’t. We’re sorta guilty still. Not all the time, but some of the time. And We also do it for research purposes. Like how would people that struggle with this type of thing act or better said, think, in this particular situation. Who would they look at, who would they think was looking at them. Because honestly, like ninety-nine percent of the time, nobody’s paying attention. Really.

But it’s funny though, because some of you out there, and We know, trust Us, We know. There’s always someone looking, always everyone looking, but never in a nice way, never in a good way. Oh, they look with that mean face. That demeaning face. That “I hate your guts and don’t even know you kinda face”. Oh, that shit’s annoying. Because We never understood why. It hasn’t changed one bit, maybe it’s the country We live in. Maybe it’s like that thing, that scent thing. Figuratively of course. Like, We kinda excrete a scent that tells others We don’t belong in their society. Because We don’t… Never did, and never will. Well, there’s parts We belong, and that’s only one foot inside type of shit. We got this ultra community now where We are building connections in a way. Slowly, you know. But other than that, there’s not much We can bind ourself to, because it’s true. We don’t belong. Not in a negative way, but not in a positive either. We just never did because We’re Our own being. And that might just be the reason people raise their nose at Us, side eye the fuck out of Us. It’s always been this way, and it’s always gonna be this way.

September 23

01:29

Are you gonna be exactly who you claim you are. Otherwise there’s no point. And it’s not a one day fix it type thing. This is gonna take time. Because here We are again. Cigarette in hand, though We’re doing good in many other aspects, this one is faltering again. It’s not that We can’t stop, We probably can with a snap of the fingers. But it’s like We don’t wanna, not yet, for some fucked up reason. And We’re trying Our hardest to find this shit, but it’s just not surfacing. It’s funny how We can be something so dedicated, something so disciplined. A different kind of animal. And still, still fail at this damn shit. Still fall back into this mess and keep doing it over and over. So, We just gotta stop. Again. Because We did, and it was damn easy, so there’s no sense in why We’re making it so hard this time. Maybe it’s something unresolved. Maybe it’s just a damn habit We’re creating. It’s fucked up… Or one We’ve created these last two weeks. It’s strange… Really is. We’re gonna feel better after a couple days, We will, and We’re gonna praise ourself for stopping rather than feeling fucked up for doing this. It really is a strange thing. How this can suffocate the mind. How this can trap the will and sorta destroy it. We gotta build it up. Build it stronger than ever before. Maybe it’s the damn knowledge of that fact, that one insight. It’s gonna be harder than ever before. We can’t let these words be an empty vessel for some willpower bullshit. Something We say but don’t do. Say something and be something entirely different. It’s strange. Really is.

01:40

Really gotta fix this damn thing. We gotta fucking do it. No matter what. Because We fucking know We can.

01:42

It’s not about can or can’t. It’s about must. We must. We must because We can do a lot more than just this. We must because We ran that hundred miler. We must, because We owe it to ourself. We really do. And it will make Us better. It really will.

This is something, this here is really something. It’s really fucked up, and it’s something We don’t wanna do, but We must do it exactly for that reason, because it is about doing that which We don’t wanna. It’s all We have. It’s all that’s left. Mainly because We did do the things We wanted for so long. We fucking did. And now it’s time to sail different seas. There’s all these waters uncharted. By Us and many others. And We gotta be one of those crazy motherfuckers insane enough to venture down that path.

Sure these things feel nice, they all felt nice, the damn weed felt nice, the whiskey felt nice, everything, from the smoking to the gaming, to whatever. It doesn’t matter what it was but it all felt nice. In the fucking moment. But thanks to that shit We’re here now, in a place We rather not be, one We always tried avoiding. That’s why We’re finally in the bitch. And now it’s time to forge Our way out and build something of Our own. Whatever that might be exactly. It doesn’t matter. It’s something that’s vague and veiled. Even to Us. There’s not much more that We can do other than walk this path and see what it can become. Maybe they will ask, maybe the won’t. Maybe it represents nothing, and maybe, just maybe, it represents everything. But one thing is certain. It’s exactly that which it’s supposed to be. A strange thing, one that you can’t quite grasp. And that’ll never be the case, because that’s not what this is about. It’s not about understanding. It’s about the journey towards understanding. An endless stroll through the woods of madness, the forest of uncertainty and doubt. Oh, that’s been Our friend for a while now. Our guide, Our mentor. It sorta keeps Us going. That uncertainty. To live in it… Well, that’s not recommended. Though most live in it, it’s something that eludes all senses, but to actively, knowingly live in the midst of this uncertainty, to do all these things and never really know whether it’s worth something or not. That’s a place not many would go. It’s this, it’s this… This thing here. That thing that We’re doing… Not many have done it before Us, and not many will follow to do exactly that. It’s… Strange.

This is life, but it’s not life in a daily sense, not the biographical sense of what the fuck We’re doing exactly. Nah. It’s the damn mind. It’s this damn mind. Something everyone has. We all have it, this damn mind. Though everyone tells everyone to keep it locked up, because those that’re scared of the mind wouldn’t want anyone else to venture inward and unravel the knots that tie all these insanities together. What if the solutions lie within. What if deep down the answers are resting, awaiting your interest, and so upon your arrival reveal themselves. They will probably do so. They yearn for that. But to many it is a scary place. Because it requires so much more than most are willing to give. Are We willing to give that extra. We don’t really know. Though We do feel like We must. We must do this so that others might try the same.

If everyone focused on helping themselves, then not a single person would need help. And if nobody needed help, them there would be no reason for envy, sorta. It sounds stupid, but it is true. If everyone dealt with their own issues, their own problems, their own insecurities. Then there would be no such thing as envy, or jealousy. Sorta. We’re not really sure, as none can ever be. But it sorta comes down to that. Because everyone would be to busy trying to improve their own ways. It would be a society of growth. Would it not.

Maybe We should put all our differences aside and start living in peace, well, respecting each other’s values. Because “you and I” don’t share the same, but We do share commonality in having values. That much is certain. A person without values isn’t human, that’s an animal. Focused on baser instincts such as survival and reproduction. Those aren’t values, they are necessities, necessities of an animal nature. Cavemen had these instincts as much as we do now. But a caveman didn’t care for a particular job, or a book, or a game, or a blunt. Or whatever. They just had to get shit done like gathering food and finding shelter and surviving nature’s wrath. Animals…

We’re civilized animals, so that means we can become so much more. Definitely…

02:06

That’s a strange one. But We’re done for today. Try again tomorrow. Gonna suck a little. Getting up earlier. Hope We succeed. Gotta succeed. Gotta make it work. Because you see, We got shit done today. If We get up earlier, We can get it done faster.

10:17

Fuck man, those stats are going crazy. We try to ignore them most of the time because We do think they’re sorta bullshit. But there’s a truth in all of it, because these were the worst and We felt the shittiest this week even before We knew they were bad. Maybe We knew they were gonna be… That could be something, right.

Ah, fuck it. We know exactly what to do. Doesn’t mean We’ve gotta do it tonight, but it’s in Our best interest. It really is. Gonna instantly get better. Feel better, breath better, think better, whatever. It’s like, if We keep it up too long, then this here might suffer, as We’re turning away from the person We became in order to do this shit. You know. We smoked before all this, and when We started this, We smoked for fifteen years straight, close to sixteen. We’ve known nothing else in life other than that. Well, We’ve known nothing other than that. But now We’re changing life. You know, honestly, if We remember correctly, We smoked Our first joint around that same time, a little later, you know. Yeah those city outskirts man, everything is possible. If We would’ve lived at that side of town earlier, We probably would’ve started sooner. That’s some sure as hell shit. It’s strange isn’t it. Like, why a person does all this, and in this scenario why a child does all this. A teenager… Whatever. It doesn’t matter. In some ways everyone remains a child, even into their eighties. Some, well, most, they just kill and bury the motherfucker somewhere deep inside. You know, forget it even existed, that period of time. Maybe it’s something they have to do, some might wanna do, and others just don’t know they suffocated the bastard with this “real world” bullshit. Yeah, real world. Sure man.

Don’t forget who you are, meaning, don’t forget what you started as. That glob, that helpless little piece of shit always crying and making a fuss, always wanting, craving, food, love, attention, world. Oh, We are little pieces of shit. All of Us. You know, it’s still in there, deep down it’s hiding somewhere. That’s the part We can never kill. That selfish little monster always yearning. Oh, every one of us has it. That part. But it can be used for better or worse. Always. Worse is that needy sense, that “give me, give me, it’s mine” type thing. Then there’s this “shit, we gotta do it, make it work” type deal, sorta, don’t have a better way to put it. It’s just that inability to give up, or give in. Maybe it’s something like wanting to be right, but not in the negative sense. Nah, just proving something is possible. Either just for you, or also for everyone else. That doesn’t really matter. It’s just the notion of getting out there and doing something. It’s like walking. Ah man, are we gonna walk, all of Us. You know. We keep at it. Not twenty-four seven. But We do keep at it. Day in, day out… Until We succeed. And some take longer than others, sure. Even on different levels, like faster at a certain age, faster at learning… Shit like that. But eventually We all walk. That’s the general norm at least. There’s some motherfuckers among us, you know… But most to everyone walks from a certain age. Where’s the damn fire, the damn passion to do so when We get older. Same goes for speaking, writing, listening, calculating. Even thinking, nut there’s not many teachers on thinking, so yeah, everybody really must have their own way sorta. Might be the same thing in the general term of thinking. But in its deepest functioning, it will be hella different for everyone, because there it comes down to what you can think up, and that’s based off of the knowledge you’ve gathered throughout your years.

Let me give you a secret though. Some of us have had the bad luck of gaining that one limitless ability. Total imagination. The ability to conjure anything within the confines of that skull. Believe Us when We say, you don’t want that.

15:38

Well. Gotta write some shit. And then. Then it’s workout time. First take a shit of course. But then it’s workout time. Kinda love it. And hate it. It’s a strange relationship. Sorta a forced marriage. We don’t wanna be there, and they don’t wan’ Us doing it. Who you might ask. Well, nobody in particular. It’s just, everytime We do it and they don’t We get that leg up. That next level, where they are stuck, We have risen so far beyond ourself. It’s not a race against them, it’s a battle against ourself. But they are not playing that game, that’s what makes it fun, sorta. That’s what kinda keeps Us going too, it’s that unseen shit. Some people see it, but those that do, you know neighbors and shit, don’t matter. They’re not gonna do this, but they fucking know though, they know damn well We’re getting after it. Definitely getting after it.

We need to do this shit in every aspect of life though. Really gotta do that to the fullest extent possible. You know, just stretch it out a bit, and another bit the next day, and one more bit the next. And like that you can go beyond yourself every time. Just bits, not giant leaps. Nobody takes giant leaps. Maybe some talented hard working punk that’s been given a lot… They might, but their success often doesn’t last long. Don’t wanna go to deep in on that, but just know it has a lot to do with deserving and earning. There’s a big difference in those two. And usually you don’t deserve, but you can always earn even if you’re not deserving. Earning is easy, it just takes relentless effort. Not beat yourself to death day in and day out. Just coming back every day, getting up and getting after it again and again. Whatever it is, whatever bothers you, whatever ails you, whatever hurts, whatever… It doesn’t matter. None of it matters, only that you get up and get at it again.

It’s a lot like this thing here. We get up, and first of course the workout, but then it’s this, this’ the second thing We do after getting up. Is it always good, is it always enough. Definitely not. But it’s always there. And sculpting is about always hammering at the damn thing until it looks good, and then, then you gotta start on a new piece. Might even fuck a couple pieces up before you get another good one. That’s how it goes.

Think the best way to describe this shit, or go about explaining this shit, or maybe just elaborating on this shit, well… We’re gonna start doing pull-ups pretty soon now. We usually do a hundred, now it’s only seventy-five because We’re still on recovery mode, though We were thinking of getting back on the full volume today. Yesterday was seventy-five, today might be a hundred, depends on how it all feels. Doesn’t matter.

The point. We do a hundred pull-ups every day, some out of those hundred are perfect, some pretty good, some decent, some just make the cut, and some are bad, and some are worse, and there’s some We don’t even wanna call a pull-up. Usually starts happening closer to the end as the strength starts fading and the recovery is taking way longer than the beginning. Remember, We always rest for thirty seconds, that’s it, no matter how far We’re in the exercise. So form gets worse, but also some of the best We do happen towards the end, because We feel bad for the ones We fucked up.

It’s not always gonna be perfect, it never will. That’s impossible, even when you’ve done over ten thousand repetitions of the same damn movement. It doesn’t matter, you’re still gonna fuck it up. Definitely gonna fuck it up, because you get cocky, because you think you can. Sometimes it’s better to let that mind and body fail so the humbling puts you back at square one and you focus again.

Just like this. You see, We only gotta get six hundred words, well, that’s the minimum We’re aiming for. But We’re close to seven hundred now. And We’re on a roll. If We weren’t talking about this topic in particular We would’ve never mentioned the word count, or even thought about it, because it wasn’t in Our mind anymore. This was in Our mind, this thing here became everything, if only for a couple seconds, but this here became Our entire world. Fuck everything else, you know. And that’s like, that’s what’s gotta happen, or what you gotta do. It’s what’s necessary. Don’t bother yourself with these simplistic things that life has to offer, that’s what these other people are here for. At least a bunch of them. Then there’s others who figure out different things. Man it’s all about limits. Testing limits.

We ran amongst some of the greatest already and We’re only doing this for a year, this ultra-shit. So what can another year bring. If only We take it “serious”, if only We give ourself to this life. This dedication, this discipline, this struggle. Because life will be a struggle for those following greatness. Or at least those like Us following greatness. Because We’re not really made for it, We’re not really built for it, We’re not really great, We’re just trying to be. Trying to be better. That, for Us, is greatness. Because We are a piece of shit, and We can do better, and We’re doing better, but We gotta do better.

Fuck this’ some strange shit. But it’s honest, and that’s all We care about here. Done for now, definitely coming back though…

September 24

01:00

The mistake We made was thinking We could stop just like that. It doesn’t work that way, it never does. We will stop, and We know when. Tomorrow will be the last day. But it’s not just tomorrow. Tomorrow is Thursday. Thursday, the twenty-fourth is when We stop. Well, actually, today is Thursday already. And it’s Friday the twenty-fifth. That’s how this is gonna go. That’s how We’ll make it work… Definitely. Tomorrow will be Our last fuckers. And that’s that. We’re done. Fuck this shit, fuck a pack, fuck all that bullshit. And the reason We say this is because We’ve made that decision. The decision is solid. This life’s gonna suck so hard from here on out, but We got that shit inside of Us. That monster. Really do. We’re gonna make it work.

Dude, none of the shit matters. It never does. Doesn’t matter whether We get fucking tired. Doesn’t matter whether We are hungry, in pain, annoyed, unable to think. Whatever it is. We gotta pull through. We gotta turn this into something. Finally turn this crap around and stop being a piece of shit. Well, sorta impossible, but honestly, the kind of shit We are now, that has to go completely. Like really turn this person around and be that guy, that one guy everyone thought they knew. Let’s show them they were wrong. Not wrong back then, because We were a lot of shit or weren’t. But wrong about how We would turn out. Because they all thought some shit. Yeah, they all had shit to say. Always. Well, they’ll still be saying shit and We’ll be doing shit. Always doing shit. Like this. And it’s not so much that We gotta bust Our ass twenty-four seven. Nah. But sometimes We’ll have to, that’s just life.

So grow this life into something worth mentioning.

01:17

Oh, We’re gonna have some fun. Not really, but truly. Deep in the suck, in the disaster, in the struggle. That necessary part of life. That one thing We ran away from for so long. We can make it work, work for Us instead of against Us. All that shit. You know, it’s all the shit. The big pile of stinking interference. It’s a static, a constant clutter… Always aiming to disrupt Our motion. If We only maintain a slight pace, then We win, day by day. It doesn’t need to be a two thirty marathon. Doesn’t even need to be a sixteen hour hundred miler. If We can just keep it up, run the longest ultra ever, beyond anything ever done. This is figurative of course. And also not really. But this here is not about an actual run, this is about the way We must live, how We must spend Our days. Just step by step. Always grinding, but grinding with one purpose, keep the mill going. Keep crushing grain until We’ve got heaps, and then move on to making bread. Not force Us into a path that’s about speed, or power, or whatever. All it has to be about is a particular endurance. Not physical, mental. Forever grind this fucked up mess into a fine powder and then turn it into dynamite to carve Our path through the mountains and the forests and whatever.

Sorta feels good. But We know. That was the issue. We know what this means, what’s ahead… This madness. It’s only the beginning. We’re just getting started. And the funny thing. Our body is completely broken already. But that’s Our advantage in a way. We were broken from the start. So the fact that We got here is not a miracle, it’s got nothing to do with talent, nor even will. It’s just that We did everyday. As long as We could, We did. As much as We could, We did. It didn’t matter what it was, but We did. And We got here. Now, with this damn blueprint, one We still have to figure completely, We will pave Our way further and farther into and through the abyss. We gotta know. We gotta fucking know. That’s all that matters.

This is it… For now. We’ll get back to this crap tomorrow. Don’t you worry about that.

10:00

Well, We knew, sorta. Go help family, which if everybody would just act a little normal, you know, behave in general, then this wouldn’t be necessary to begin with. These damn people. And then they wonder why We’re so fucked up. No shit man. No fucking shit. Gotta figure it out though. Everything before, you know, get up early and shit. Or everything after and just deal with the fact that this shit’s gonna suck. Well, We should deal with the fact that Saturday’s gonna suck. It’s just gonna suck, whether We do it before or after. It doesn’t fucking matter when We do the damn thing. It doesn’t. It’s just that We do it. And We’re gonna do it. We will, but when. That’s the big question. When. Before probably means getting up at around six or seven, somewhere in between… Don’t fucking know though because people be vague. People are always vague. Hey, We’re guilty of this too, half’a the shit in this bitch here’s vague. Well, in all of it. Not just this one here. Guess that’s what humans are, what humans became. Maybe it was always this way. But you know, it’s the societal behaviors, that avoiding eye contact, the not talking police, the not joking, laughing, listening, whatever. Everyone’s secluded. Funny thing, very funny thing, We’re guilty of this yet again. But We did this even before everyone else was doing it. Oh, We were so young back then. Nobody did that shit. Maybe… But not in Our world. Now everyone seem to do it, sorta. Don’t make ’em do it for longer than a day because they will probably kill themselves. We’re talking real solitude here. No speaking, no acknowledging. No nothing. No connection whatsoever. Not a touch, not a word… No comfort, no happiness, no laughter. Nothing. Just the insides of that brain and their constant reflection on what a piece of shit you’ve been, you know, all your life, but especially this year, all the shit you said you was gonna but then never did. That type of bullshit.

Fuck man, nodding off a little, not really, not just yet, but just a little. Getting drawn towards closing those eyes, if only for a brief time… Fuck. It’s strange, isn’t it. Because We slept better than two days ago and still We’re broken, sorta. Don’t know what to do about. Just remember right, you ran a hundred miles, and you ran for “twenty-four” hours. That’s something, that’s some fuel. Yeah, if you could look at it that way, then this thing would get a lot easier, and it’s like that really. It works like that, it does, if you just believe. But you gotta be honest about it too. Can’t start making up shit, and that goes both ways. Can’t create false achievement, but most of all, can’t ignore or dismiss how you feel. Accept how you feel and then shrink it down, make it less obvious, make it less influential by simple repeating one damn thing over and over.

For Us here now it’s that tired sense, and We are tired for some god damned reason, always are but this one’s of those heavier ones. Eyelids falling, senses fading… gone, and here We’re fucked…

But We just gotta say it. We ran a hundred miles, We ran for twenty four hours. No caffeine, no pep, no nothing, and We got through it, on just simple will and determination. That’d do the trick.

Fuck, can barely focus, it’s fucked up when that starts happening, gotta make it work though. We’re done here you know. Could keep going, but it’s not gonna make much sense, and We’re gonna keep nodding off until We do something else. Yeah, never…

17:24

Fuck. That was a long as nap. Don’t know for how long exactly. We started somewhere around two, and We practically just got up. Just a little over five. That’s a long ass fucking nap. But We could. We was allowed for once. Yeah. Get that system restoring. Not recovering. Probably didn’t recover at all in this three hours. Don’t fucking know though. You don’t know, even if you’ve got a watch or one of those ring or whatever. It’s impossible to really know if you’ve recovered. Because the thing with recovery, it’s broad man. Bones, tissue, muscles, organs, tendons, ligaments, skin, but also the mind, the mental, and the matter, and whatever. All the bacteria, all the cells, all the hormones, all the little intricate systems keeping each other going.

Fuck. Gotta do those workouts, good thing it’s only like three fourths of the actual volume, don’t need as much time now do We. But it’s getting late, it really is, so We’re kinda fucked, but then again not really. We got time. Gonna go a little further on the notes later, on the computer that is, make ’em ready. Maybe get some other shit ready. Don’t know exactly. But today is an easy day, a slow day, a take your time and sit back day. It’s like, think for a bit. Enjoy that brain for a moment. Really get into what it’s all about. And it’s about a lot. Man, yours, Ours, everyone’s. Stupid, smart, cunning, slow, it’s of no consequence when it comes to the magnificence of the brain.

It’s peace and quiet. That’s what We need, and We sorta got that today. Let’s see if the same goes for Our time during the workouts and then when We’re eating, and whatever. Maybe We can talk some while cooking, don’t know. Sometimes silence is the perfect thing. Sometimes silence is exactly all We need, and sometimes it wouldn’t be bad for you either, presuming you’re a man. Don’t know what women need. Well… That’s where We’ll stop on that though. Gotta watch out with what you say about women, and not just these days, it’s always been like that, but they used to be able writing the craziest shit about them because these motherfuckers couldn’t read back in the day. And then one or two of them started doing it and now We’re here. Sorta. It’s just a kind of joke, it’s not. We know there was some gal recorded reading and writing as far back as the mesopotamian civilization, the first recorded civilization that is. So far, maybe We gotta find some other shit or figure out what people before them were really talking about with their drawings and shit, because they were talking about something. You know, the cave drawings. How We got here from peace and quiet though is beyond Us. It really is. Sometimes you get to this place where you just ramble on and on, no directive, no destination, no logic. Just pieces and pieces that flow fort from each other as the mind unravels across millions of opinions and ideas, and the notions man. All the notions. Just to say shit. Just to make shit up. Because that’s all that talking and writing is about. We’re just making shit up. Every damn fucking word is a made up word. Like, We didn’t have the words  back then, but they didn’t try to understand what We were talking about. Everything We said, did, wrote, it was to aim at proving the banality of their bullshit. Ah man, the way all of this is… It’s nothing and everything. And then We go around trying to label this crap. Why are we trying to label this crap. Are we so incapable of leaving everything for what it is and just live within this world instead of trying to externalize the shit out of this bitch. Why distantiate to such an extent that everything becomes alien to us, that everything around us is separate, though it’s a lot like us, living “breathing” things, taking in the world, taking in their surroundings. Absorbing the life around them. It’s wonderful to venture into a jungle and witness how everything fits together so violently yet perfectly still, perfectly peaceful at the same time. It’s strange is it not…

There’s so much to it. You know, We’re guilty of these things, We are guilty of this crap just like anybody else. It’s about that thing, that caring. That sense of connection. We tend to forget… What We are, who We are, and especially where We come from. Yeah… Where the fuck We come from.

Let’s think on that shit…

(September 25)

00:32

Well… Just gotta stop ourself. That’s all. That’s fucking all. Clean this mess, and go lay in bed or something. You know.

00:59

Almost fucked it up. Almost did, though We had that luck, just once We had this thing that stopped Us from getting it. Damn store was closed… That’s like, the best. That’s the best ever. Fuck everything else.

We’re gonna do it. We can do it. We did it before. But it’s like, We know this is that thing. Once We stop, well, the hard work’s gonna follow, sorta. It’s like, when We stop, then We must start. We must go down this path. And We’re gonna do it.

01:15

Well. Time for bed…

Fuck. Almost fucked it up, but fate got Us this time. It’s like, however you wanna look at this damn shit, it’s sorta a sign. Sounds like bullshit, well, We think it’s bullshit. We really do. But this here was exactly that.

01:19

So… We gotta fucking do this thing. We gotta represent something. Really get to be something. Stand for something, or fall for anything. But what is it exactly, the thing We’re gonna stand for. Because when you don’t know, if you don’t really know about this shit, then you still stand for nothing and you will fall flat on that ass and probably don’t get up for a long time. A long ass time.

Can’t have that happen. Can’t be that guy any longer. We sorta killed him, in that hundred miler, that twenty-four hour event. But now, tomorrow, tomorrow We’re really gonna kill him. Fuck all that shit. Whatever it was, We gotta change that crap. Change it all the way. Can’t fucking let it run its course. Gotta stop everything that’s not a part of this “growth”, another bullshit word. Oh do We hate these terms. All of them. Dedication, discipline, self-growth, bettering oneself. Fuck, there’s a shit ton of them. None of them will give you this. None of them will put you here. Because it’s not about growth, nor discipline, not even drive. There’s no talk of reason, or mission, or whatever. There’s none of that. That shit don’t matter. How are you gonna do shit if this stuff ain’t okay, if this mess ain’t squared away, or cleansed, whatever. It’s not about where you wanna go… It’s about where you are and what the fuck you’re gonna do about it. How are you gonna change that man, woman… It’s genderless. It’s a moment, a snippet of a life lived, where We stand before that ultimate source, in his shadow, before his judgement. We’re not there yet, far from, We shouldn’t be there yet, because We’re not done. It’s him and Us, or him and you, and there you are, justifying, while all he does is being honest.

If this doesn’t make sense, well, you’re not there yet. If this does, then you’ve seen it. You’ve fucking seen the madness We talk about. That reflective nature. Because he sure does look a lot like you, not exactly, but something similar. Just, that slight resemblance. His image, yours, it doesn’t matter. Is it a mental coping mechanism, to make it possible, to make that conversation possible. Wouldn’t talk to a damn cloud. But it’s also inside, way down inside the mind. Yours, theirs, Ours. Everybody’s doing it, but it’s not something We talk about, because to talk about this crap, well, We gotta open up about a ton of other shit. Insecurities, notions, ideas, mentalities, failures, shortcomings. It’s… It’s hard. Harsh on the soul, because facing this self imposed inadequacies, that’s like the hardest thing ever. Because deep down you know it doesn’t matter, but you also understand it’s self-made, and everything that’s self-made can be destroyed, but in so doing a part of you that you might not wanna let go gets lost. It has to go, make room for something new, something “better”, but actually it’s just something different that’s gonna make it work. It’s gonna make it work. That’s all. But building that takes a lot, it takes everything. It really does. Can’t explain how tired We are, and it’s only been two years since We’re in this stage, like the active stage, not even gonna count the years of inactive notions. You know, going over that narrative, slowly building up to this. It’s a ton of failure. It’s a lot of justification, it’s a lot of short cuts, and detours, and swirling, circles, running those damn circles around yourself. Going back to what you were and having to start all over. Maybe that’s what this shit was about. Maybe. We don’t know. Can’t fucking tell. We never know, because We’re here trying to show that even without a clear mission, a clear goal, anything is possible. But you do need that pursuit. Always need a pursuit. And then when We really get down to it, the goal is “not having a goal”, so we still sorta have one.

It’s crazy shit. It never makes any sense. Well, maybe when We die, but still, even then, don’t think it ever will. Another part of the goal is also about trying to figure the fuck out what’s possible. What’s within Our capacity, how far can We stretch the damn thing. How big can that muscle of capability really grow. There must be a limit, but not really, there really isn’t a set limit. There’s just todays limit, and then there’s tomorrows limit, and it either grows or shrinks. That all depends on you. You either work at it, or you let it decay. And believe Us when We say, the damn thing goes real fast. Real fucking fast.

Guess this is it for now. Always feel like it isn’t enough, always feel like there’s more, and there probably is. It’s a funny thing. Here in the dark, moon high in the sky, it’s the best place, it always is. It’s so strange how at this moment, in this particular spot, We get to this type of shit. And We find it interesting how We can say stuff like this now. How We’ve come to the point here, where We can actually talk on this because We’re working at this sculpture, tryna get some sort of statue that represents true knowledge, true understanding. Because the only thing to understand is that man in the mirror. And when you do, that’s when you’ll see… A true reflection of greatness.

Not there yet, but We’ve had glimpses. Yeah. Sorta…

See ya punk. Hope We manage, hope We find the will, and the strength. Maybe that shit’s a little drained. Maybe. But it’s gonna be okay. It really is. Because We’re gonna fix this thing. We fucking will.