September 11
10:11
Honestly dude, what more do we need…
Almost a year has passed now since that 50 miler. We’ve come a long way, We’ve been doing crazy things. Guess this is Our seventh ultra in one year. Yeah, We’re going for that shit aren’t We. Every single day. Again and again. And it’s not that We’re an ultra-runner. If We make it We will be, but that’s not the point. It don’t fucking matter. All this has been about one thing, getting hard, being hard. Forever hard. Not just a week, or a month. Not even for a year. Forever. Until the day We vanish.
You know. It’s true. How do you wanna live, how do you wanna be remembered. And the simple answer. For as long as anyone could remember Us, We wanna be known for being the guy that stood up even though the whole of existence kept bashing him down time after time.
You know, it’s this point, it’s this turning point. Fuck. Here We are. You know, just as with the armies and whatever. It’s always this place. Here We sit. People always talked down to Us, people always minimalized Our existence, they always belittle who We were and definitely who We could be. They did. And the funny thing now. We’re so glad they fucking did. It’s not fuel during one of those ultras. Not really. It might be seen as kindling to the fire. But it did spark this entire change into motion.
They and their bullshit. They and their fucking bullshit. Yeah, but We were the one, We were the idiot, the asshole, We were a lot of things, but they never wanted Us to be great, because that would prove one point. And it didn’t have shit to do with Us. This is all about what it has to do with them. What’s your excuse? What’s your fucking excuse? What’s your damn excuse you fucking piece of shit. That’s the question, that’s the point, all in one. Because there’s no fucking excuse. You’re either a piece of shit, or you’re not. It’s as simple as that. Sometimes We’re still a piece of shit, but a lot of the times now We’re somewhere in between that and being a hell of a lot better than We used to be. And see, that’s it, not better than you, not better than them. Better than Us, better than what We were, yesterday, a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. Whatever. We’re better. And that’s the only mission. Getting better.
Doesn’t matter what it is any longer, We’ll fucking do it. We’ll fucking do it. Don’t worry about that shit. Just fucking do it. Don’t even worry about doing it…
13:09
Let’s take a damn nap. Yeah, now We deserve a damn nap. Did everything already. No more workouts on the schedule. Only stretching.
Everything’s gonna be great. Stuffed with food. Damn food. Junk. But that’s okay. It’s all okay. Tomorrow that shit’s gone. Like, literally gone.
15:08
Yeah, woke from this shit real bad. Real fucking bad. Still… Filin’ Goouwd. Don’t doubt that shit.
Gotta go and visit grandma. Grandma’s got Alzheimer’s and shit. Grandma doesn’t remember who the fuck We are, but We still love grandma. ‘Sbeen a while though, since We visited to home. Ain’t got that much time, but We try. We really try, that’s why we gotta fucking do it. It ain’t that hard either. Just grab Our clothes, grab the bike, and get all the way over there. Then stay for like twenty minutes, half an hour. You know, she doesn’t even know. She used to, but that shit’s long gone. She’s long gone. Which sucks in a way, really does, but it’s okay. That’s part of life. Dying’s part of life, but for some people that shit’s too far out and they go mental before they get there. That’s it.
18:50
Section 52, that means a year. In general. Sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less. But fifty-two is good. We’ve done this for a while now. Only got serious a little over halfway through these sections. Maybe in the beginning too, you know how it goes. Ya start something, all hyped and what not. But then that passion fades, the flame dies, and all you’re doing is procrastinating and avoiding truths. And then most of the time it does die for real never coming back, but this thing, and Us being Us now, well, this shit’s never gonna die. Sure, there’s moments when We won’t feel like doing the damn thing, but that’s okay. It’s all okay. Because this thing comes and goes. It really does. That’s how it works when creating. When doing something, that’s different, but creating is always something that comes and goes. There’s not always fuel to create from, there’s not always this necessity to vent what’s buried deep within.
For Us it’s mainly what’s in the way. Like this here now sits between Us and that one place We need to go when We’re about to run for twenty-four hours. Yeah. That place is hard to reach though. It’s real hard to get to, because there’s a lot of stuff that slumbers between Us and that spot. Which is normal. You know, everyday stuff. Work stuff, personal stuff, people stuff, asshole stuff, processing stuff. It’s a whole bunch of stuff. But We just gotta put that aside for now, because this craps gonna come back, yeah, this shit’s gonna overflow tomorrow when We start the damn thing.
Yeah, shit’s rough. To bad Our time’s fleeting here. It’s really draining. Can’t stop it. Gotta go early enough though, you know, to bed. So yeah, kinda fucked.
21:21
Is it the best idea. Probably not. But We can do this We can, because We can control. We can…
This ain’t smoking. This is something else. Something completely different. Don’t know what it is exactly. It’s a fall back, a weak moment, some idea that lingers.
Sometimes you gotta give the mind this shit. But then you gotta take it away, once again. Is there regret. Any form of regret…
Here We are. Here We are really. Where do We go with this knowledge… Knowing that there’s this thing inside, even when no one’s around We still feel bad as if people know. As if they catch Us in the act. That’s it though. Is it something. Yes We do fail, yes We falter. But these things are necessary.
What does it provide? Any of it…
22:51
Here We are, in the damn bed. Not gonna sleep yet. Wouldn’t be able to do so probably. Don’t know. Could be. Could be… But We don’t care. Feel strange lately. Not in a bad way necessarily. But We do feel strange. Especially Our head, in ways. It’s weird, can’t really explain it as it’s more a sensation rather than a feeling. It washes over and fades, but always returns, but it’s weird, it’s as if something’s doing it to Us, and not something that’s really within, or better said, part of Us. Shouldn’t let it distract Us though. We got some more important shit here, some big stuff. Twenty-four hours. Damn that shit’s gonna suck, but it’s gonna be over at one point. And this time We wanna end that shit with Our head held high, goal in hand, being able to say We did it. Yeah, We gotta fucking do it. We gotta. We can. Look at all the shit We did so far. Sure thin man, sure fucking thing, We’ve never covered those last twenty to thirty miles running, sure. But this time We’re gonna. Just have to go through that shit. It’s hard, it’s harsh. Rough, tough, and a whole bunch of shit where they didn’t get any words for, because you know, those wordy guys never got to those places.
Hey. We’re doing it, no matter what. Doesn’t fucking matter how We feel, doesn’t matter what We must withstand, doesn’t fucking matter what hell We must traverse. Yeah. It’s a whole bunch of shit, a whole pile, a nasty one, and We’re gonna have to shovel that bitch. Shovel that mountain from one side to the other. That’s how that shit goes.
Funny. Fucking sucks…
It’s this debate. We actually “forgot” to stretch out. We didn’t, We just weren’t planning on hitting the sack already. So now We gotta go back. But it’s like, We’ve got this issue, We really do. And it’s both sides. It’s so bad, because nobody knows. Nobody fucking knows We didn’t stretch out, but We know, and it’s tearing Us apart. So We’re just gonna do it.
23:38
Fucking did it. Stretched out, back in the bed… And here We are, contemplating what more to do. Almost went and smoked a cigarette. We don’t do that no more. We might have these relapses, We might have these moments. But We can’t allow more than two in a couple days. And you know damn well, you know damn well what’s gonna happen Sunday. Well, you might, or you don’t. We’ll see.
It’s weird ain’t it. Tomorrow’s such an important day, tonight such an important night, Sunday will be judgement. But it’s so weird how when We know this to be the case, We’re still here playing with fire. Like, what should We do, enters Our mind… As if it’s not already 23:40. Like, what the fuck’s wrong with your ass. Honestly. And honestly. Doesn’t it strike you as weird, just on another note though, that Our belly’s gotten worse ever since We stopped smoking. Don’t know what’s up with that though, you know, bloating, gas, whatever. Don’t know what’s up with that.
And the strangest thing right now is that avoidance. Why not focus on the damn thing, the event, yet We sit and wander through Our mind into places that don’t matter at all. Places that hold no stake in any of this. Maybe they do and We just don’t know. Ah, fuck it. Just fuck it. None of it matters to begin with.
When doing something like this, then the only thing that matters is this. The run, the laps, the miles, the weather, the food, the ground, drinking, the thoughts of quiting, and also those of grandeur, those of finishing. Ah, there’s so much to it. And here We are worried a little about this stupid stomach and belly bullshit. We’re gonna have a lot of different issues along the way. Don’t matter what they are, just gotta solve ’em and move on. Always move on. As much as We can and as fast as Our body can tolerate for the duration of twenty-four hours. Yeah. That’s all. All We gotta do is tolerate and average below twelve minutes per mile and We’re golden. That’s all. And We can, We must, We will…
23:49
That’s it.
Get some rest, as much as you can, and get ready for hell. Because tomorrow We dine in that bitch…
September 12
08:52
This is it. Damn… Twelve o’clock and We’re in business. Always in business. But then that shit really kicks off. Well. Do good, do better, whatever. But just remember, We can, only gotta want. Want so bad, and well, We definitely want so bad right now. But that’s right now. Wonder how bad in about fourteen to sixteen hours, twenty hours. Yeah. Fucking shit is hell, but We just gotta get through this bitch.
September 13
19:30
Fucking did that shit, We fucking did. We’re broken, We’re fucking broken, oh the mind got strong. It’s a lot of fucking pain, but that pain, it’s nothing… Nothing when it stands before this will. This here’s become iron, steel, diamond.
Suffering. The best gift a man can receive. It really is. It is the only gift. The only thing that’s necessary. Everything else is just pass time. Even this in a way. If this invokes mental suffering then that’s a different story. Like, pulling up past mistakes or achievements to work through them, what could’ve been avoided, what could’ve been better. It’s true, there’s always room for improvement. Always. There’s no discussion there. But improvement means adaptation. Adaptation means suffering. We’re not even explaining that shit, figure that one out by yourself, because that’s the only way.
All we can say, there’s places you most go, you and you alone know these lands of enlightenment. The plains of vision and revelation. It doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as it induces thoughts of a magnitude that shake the whole foundation of your inner city. The land of dreams and regulations.
22:17
Guess it’s sorta time to sleep. Hope We can run tomorrow. Or at least move in certain fashion that resembles that shit.
22:27
Maybe We’ll just leave it open like this.
Feels like We got a fever of sorts.
22:52
That spider was huge, way too huge for these parts. Was like a monster compared to any of those little fuckers. Probably still inside, eh… Kinda fucked. We’re not scared of spiders, like in that arachnophobic sense. We don’t care, but the big ones do give Us chills. Kinda normal We presume. Those motherfuckers are nasty.
So, here We are, on the chair, damn chair. Can’t do much other than sit around, just recover sorta. Gonna try a run tomorrow, it’s gonna hurt so much. That’s certain already. Don’t need to guess or think twice. Shouldn’t even be running. But hey, We can’t help ourself.
The whole reason We fucking did it, the whole reason We were able to, well, it’s the fact that We don’t quit. We no longer quit. We don’t, oh and did We back in the day. Maybe should get some extra holidays and shit. Because We’re gonna have to get back on working out as fast as possible inflicting the least amount of damage possible.
Don’t know what We’re gonna do though. Should think about it really. Because We don’t wanna be a bitch, We don’t wanna be anything, We just wanna get this thing down. Need to work on this though. Get something up and running, because now We can. Yeah… We’ve got proof. We’ve got a lot of proof. Strava’s full of shit, Garmin’s full of shit.
September 14
11:22
It’s still time to rest. We’re gonna try and run. Well, whatever that shit’s gonna be, it’s sorta gonna resemble running.
Yeah. We’re fucking dead. That’s for sure. Dead all the way, because We went all the way. It asked everything, and We gave everything. And people really respected that. We was sorta taken aback by the support and, sorta just the way people talked to Us. They really were interested. Kinda strange for Us and it really hit Us hard, because We’re not used to that shit. We never were, because nobody ever gave a fuck. Nobody was gonna come around and watch Us, that damn junk wasting away his life, making all these excuses and whatnot. Now people show up, people that barely know Us… It’s magnificent, that feeling. It does feel like We’re doing great. Great things, great movements. On the right track. And that’s where We wanna stay. But staying there is gonna ask so much, so much of Us and sometimes others. It’s a strange thing, but it drags people in just like addiction and any other bad lifestyle would. So the actual difference is minimal. It comes down to the effect. Because this life, this way, it is empowering, it boosts others, and it really show what you are made of, somewhat at least. Or maybe it really does.
That run, the one We’re gonna take, the one We’re gonna do, that’s gonna reveal the truth. About what We’re really made of, yeah, because now, in this moment, the pain’s beyond real. Probably won’t go much faster than a fourteen minute mile. Don’t know until We try of course. But We know for a fact that Our shit’s fucked up.
Guess We’ll see what’s up for real. And you know damn well We can. We always can no matter what the situation. We would regret not doing that shit. Yeah, definitely. So… Guess We just gotta do, don’t We.
18:25
Fuck, can’t stop with the damn cigarettes though. Didn’t smoke really, well, not like We used to, but We sorta deserve that shit. Yeah, We pushed far beyond. Which isn’t really an excuse. It really isn’t. Even more reason to not do it. But it’s okay, just now. Maybe one more later today, and that should be it.
18:35
Today’s unwinding day. Like, really think about that shit. Really get into what the fuck you did. Because what you did is not just run a hundred miles. It’s not just that. It’s not just seven ultras in less than a year. It’s not just that either. It’s not just that five hundred day running streak whilst doing all that shit. It’s where you came from. Being that piece of shit junkie, being that big time bullshit loser, being that good for nothing punk. Nobody came around. Nobody wanted to see that guy, hear about that guy, nobody asked that guy anything. Now they flock, now they talk, now they’re interested. Something We actually don’t like that much. Because it seems We’re doing something nobody can, but whatever We’re doing, well, everybody can. Everybody can do it. It’s inside there, inside the mind.
A strange thing, is it not. All this crap. Is it really the crap of someone who’s supposed to run a hundred miles. It’s weird ain’t it. But then again We changed so much, well, even compared to three years ago, let alone ten.
18:54
Guess We’re not unwinding fully though. Because here We are. Here We always are. Now it’s just down in this. Non-stop. Well, not everything though. That would be insane, or at least impossible. Can’t be doing this twenty-four seven.
19:03
But here We are nonetheless. Still alive. Went through some nasty shit. But that’s how We do it, that’s how We roll…
21:24
Always the same thing again.
That’s for sure…
21:26
It’s always here, never anywhere else. We don’t go anywhere else. We stay right the fuck here. In the mess. Maybe that’s what Our life’s supposed to be. Don’t fucking know. Could be because that’s what it must represent. It must represent something. Maybe that something is fucked up… Maybe that something is struggle. Maybe that something is misfortune. We need that misfortune in order to grow.
It’s more like opposition. It’s important that there remains this friction, this current that We fight against.
There’s this thing, way down there, in that abyss. A nature of things. In order to find it… Well, We gotta go beyond, so far beyond anything We’ve ever done. It’s like he said, the “New Norm”. But We wanna call it the New Normal. It’s not so much extraordinary anymore.
22:39
Just another one. Meaningless maybe. Maybe it’s always meaningless. Don’t fucking know. Don’t fucking care. This is exactly what it is. It’s not supposed to be anything else. If it was then it would, but it isn’t. Simple…
And it’s here, and nowhere else. It’s not supposed to be anywhere else. It’s here. Always here. And We like it that way, for now. Maybe this shit will change, maybe something else will come along and change Our ways, change our perspective. It’s always different. It’s always something else. It’s just not set. Can it be set, like edged in stone, like diamonds, forever as they say. But nothing is forever, not even those diamonds We talk about. The only thing is energy, but even energy has to change in order for it to be infinite. There’s always this nature of change, adaptation. Everything that did not adapt is dead, has withered, gone extinct. That’s the best way to look at it. We think, don’t know. The ones that claim they do, well, they’re full of shit. Nobody knows.
September 15
01:04
Now We know, We know damn well. Can’t go back to what We once were. And We’re not done. Far from done. There’s not enough control yet, just yet… Not enough to slack. Never slack. Never lack. There’s a beast that lingers. A monster inside. Deep within. That monster, the one you buried so long ago, because they told you. They spoke to you about behavior, about societal norms. Their norms, their behaviors…
These behaviors, they make Us laugh. As well back then as definitely now. Man the shit We did these last two years, the fucking shit We did this last year. Yeah. Fucking yeah… We weren’t supposed to, nah, this wasn’t Us. We were full of shit. Sometimes We still are. But We’re changing, We’re getting better… A lot better at this thing.
This is that thing. This is that place. Here We are. Just gotta get better. That’s the only way. Maybe We do need some time. The only reason We should take extra holidays is if We’re gonna work at this shit. And really get it going, otherwise We shouldn’t. We can turn to other things, but We should get back to this. We should get back into this thing. And We can, We definitely can. Don’t worry about that. The fun thing. Now it’s getting real. And now We’re going to learn. Now, this pain, that’s all that’s necessary. From this pain one can extract all that is necessary. Get deep, go deep, so fucking deep. The deepest waters…
01:16
Fuck. Maybe it’s time to sleep, maybe it’s not. This is that weird shit. That weird phase… It’s what happens every time. We run this kinda crap and Our sleeps all fucked up, We lay here in that sofa and We’re sorta dying and coming back to life. Thinking about things.
We ran today, well, yesterday already, but that’s still today, and We stretched out. Tomorrow’s gonna be fun. Some push-ups, maybe some squats, who knows. The body’s never ready, but the ones We do tomorrow, well, they’re the ones that build that neverending will. We’ll make it work, We always do. We’ve been worse off, way worse than this, it’s just another form of worse, one We’ve never attained before because We’ve never gone this far. Never pushed this hard beyond ourself. We could say We were ready this time, but the only thing that was ready was Our will to achieve, Our determination to attain this goal.
01:26
These notes are actually getting better. Not in the linguistic way, not in the story-telling way, not in any way that proves We’re a decent writer or at least could be one. We don’t wanna be a decent writer, don’t wanna be the best. We wanna be a consistent and honest writer. One that lays out reality. Well, reality of Our mind and the perception We have of the life We’re living. And We are living it, for the first two years in about thirty years, well, We’re doing this shit. We are doing this shit. Nobody else is living this shit for Us.
Guess this is it for now… There’s not much more to say at this moment.
14:34
Yeah. We fucking did that shit, didn’t We. Damn it’s hard shit. It’s real hard shit. But it’s okay. That’s what makes hard. That’s what does the trick. Going for a run any second now. Any minute now sounds a lot better. Do wanna change into different pants. Gotta change into different pants, get serious again, you know. Said the second day after the end of the event. That’s how We roll now. Ain’t got no time, definitely ain’t got no goal, We ain’t got shit. But We’re still gonna do it.
Guess We gotta get ready though. Ain’t got that much time after all. Which isn’t weird. It’s not. Never was, never will be. We’re getting used to it, whenever We need time, We won’t get it. Whenever We don’t need time, well, there’ll be an overflow, and it will last Us god damn long.
Let’s get fucking ready.
14:53
Don’t have to start this thing straight away, but now that We’ve got those extra days off, We should really focus on getting something going at least. That’s what’s important. Live like this is the life. Don’t waste a damn second on this thing. Use everything you’ve got. But it’s a slow process, always remember that…
19:33
Step by step, day by day. That’s it. Always it. Just take those baby steps and you’ll get there. Eventually…
Maybe, maybe not. Don’t fucking know.
Don’t fucking know shit. But hey. We’re trying, that’s the most We can do, everything else is up to the nature of Our effort and cards handed in life. That’s all. We ain’t got more, not gonna get more. This is all We get.
22:51
First We gotta write this. Probably write some more later. Remember. Don’t rush into this, just don’t waste your time. You did good, so try to keep that momentum. Now We just gotta focus on this here, you know, getting back on track, that’s the first thing. Then We can get back in that motion, and once We’re back in that shit, well, then it’s go time We guess. Just mill it over and over, grind it, that dust, that fine powder. Make it, bake it, eat… That’s it. Get it down, get it good. Really enjoy the process. That mental rollercoaster of things. It tells you… All of it, you suck, you can, you won’t, you should, you have, you never. It’s these damn voices, carrying resonance of loved ones and those you hate. It resembles both sides, and no side picks either. It’s random, it’s there, always present. Sorta nagging. Putting pressure. But don’t let that pressure overwhelm you. Here We can rest for a bit, because We’ve done some shit, We’ve ran a hundred miles, something We never thought possible though We always felt like We should. And so We did. So now, now’s the time to let that sink, just for a bit, a day or two more while We get back at it. Slowly, let that body recover while We pump up the volume like you would a bicycle tire, slow but steady motions blowing air into the tube. That’s it. Just slowly.
So that’s why must sit here, and waste Our time again, just a little, just to know, remember, realize what it once was, and then, then We get back into that bitch, fuck her hard and fuck her good and what comes out is a masterpiece. Sorta. Don’t get all high and mighty. Might still be some mediocre shit. But you know, for Us, this thing, it wasn’t so mediocre. We went all out. All the way, like he told Us to… So We will continue to do so, We must, for his legacy, and Ours, and everybody else’s, because that’s what this is all about. To leave something behind. Sweat, tears, and maybe even blood, probably some blood. Here and there, you know.
Fuck, this is it for now. Gonna come back no doubt. Gonna get something within the silence, hopefully, probably. Could, should, never would, because We will…
September 16
00:29
It’s a lot, isn’t it. But We get why, we sorta understand the reason behind. Can’t explain it though. Gotta find a way. One day We will. And it’s not about this necessarily, not this alone, it’s many things. But it’s step by step. Always step by step. No other way to do it. But then We find a way. Then We find that fucking way to do it. It’s necessary.
Gotta let go, that’s the reason. Sometimes you gotta let go, it’s the only way to grasp something new. Gotta understand the reason behind it. And the only way is going down into that pit of failure. That darkness, that abyss. No way home, no way back. There’s no way. Just random… A forest, a jungle, a mess.
Still have a couple left. Might finish the pack. Then it’s probably done for real. It might be, might not. Though We did good… For a while there.
You know, one thing’s certain. This will thing, this determination, this dedication, whatever it is… This drive. It’s not yet limitless. But We’ll find a way. Oh We will. Because it’s the only way. There’s no other way for Us.
00:41
This ain’t something you want.
You don’t want this shit. But nonetheless. This is that shit…
00:42
So let’s get it. Let’s get back into this bitch. We gotta go harder, further, gotta find a way. A path, that’s Ours because We ain’t done. This was the beginning, this here was the beginning so We could begin. We will manage. We will… Get stronger, get better, get harder, able to endure more. A lot more. So much more.
Doesn’t fucking matter what it is, but We’re gonna have to do this shit. Whatever comes Our way. Whatever crosses our path. Find a way. We must find a way. Get back into it, slowly, certainly. Maximum effort. Plus ultra. Whatever.
The struggle’s the path. It really is…
13:55
Disturbing Our routine and shit. Well, don’t matter. It don’t matter at all. Because here We are. Two rounds in the bag.
Man it was crazy. That shit was golden. It’s all gonna come back, you know, visuals for life. Still, it’s hard for Us to take any of them serious. Got a bunch of unresolved issues from the past that prevent Us from connecting with others. Is it linked with self-doubt, is it a low image of self, a self-esteem problem, is it still… Whatever it is, We cannot perceive anyone as willingly friendly. They either want something or We’re “forced” to act that way. Damn… Why are We like that.
Yeah, weird shit. Deep down We got this thing talking, whispering. “Still not good enough bro, still not good enough.” It’s on repeat, nagging, bitching, complaining, whatever. It’s doing everything to drag Us down. But then there’s this other guy, not far from that whisper chanting… “Just get good, just get better…” On repeat. That’s that. That’s always that. They fight each other. And We must learn how to tap into these motherfuckers. Because playing with these motherfuckers will get Us closer to where We wanna go, be… It doesn’t matter exactly but it will get Us there. It got Us this far now. See how far it can bring Us.
This shit’s interesting. Really interesting. How a mind can go from one side of existence all the way to another side of being in just two years and a bit, but most of all, achieve such madness in less than a year. From doing a fifty miler to finishing a hundred in twenty-four hours. Maybe it’s not that big a deal, maybe it’s not that fancy, but for Us it was a lot because We never did shit like this. We were that punk in a chair playing videogames from age fourteen until whatever. It’s only at around twenty two twenty three that We started realizing it was a bad idea, and then slowly, very slowly We started doing shit for real. Not they shit anybody else was doing, nah, We started doing Our own shit. Now We’re literally doing Our own shit. Wouldn’t recommend doing it to begin with.
No rest, not a single break from running. Now We’re already doing push ups and squats with a vest again. Probably gonna do some pull-ups later. Still not sure on those Navy-seals, but hey, We can start out slow.
But the main thing here, and that’s what people often can’t understand, once We start this thing up again, there’s no stopping. Once We do those Navy’s once, then it’s back to Navy’s every day. Some for pull-ups. Same for everything else.
This became a strange but good note after all…
Let’s make some more of these motherfuckers.
…
21:59
It’s not enough. It’s never enough. That’s what’s up. That’s what’s been up from the start.
There’s this thing We must do. This path We must walk. A hundred miles was never enough. But We had to get those miles in order to move forward. It’s proof to the self. It’s proof to Us. It’s that important. The energy within can fuel the energy needed for that next thing. Whatever the next thing might be.
God damn didn’t know. Thought We put some more shit down, but apparently We didn’t. Sat on Our ass, that’s what We did. Should get into that mess soon enough, an’it’s gonna happen no matter what. That’s for sure. This here are those days, the last few of those We can waste. Because We know, We know that once We begin, well, there’s no going back. And there shouldn’t be such a thing. The less We’ve got to rely on… The better, because We can’t rely on any of these traps, these comforts. We need savage. We need everything We can get, and then a little more. Like We say, beyond… Always beyond. There’s nothing other than beyond. It’s the only thing that matters really. Gotta focus on beyond. It’s the only way We can fix this damn thing.
There’s a lot to fix, there’s a lot to rectify. There’s so many people to carry. We really need to get into it… There’s no excuses anymore, because We know We can. We did a lot of shit already. It’s just that We never really felt comfortable talking to others, or at least baring Our ideas in front of them, in front of everyone. It’s weird. Because We also know this won’t strike up an audience real fast, so there’s nobody really looking at this early shit. They might look at some shit later, something that might be better than this. You know, practice makes perfect they say. But nothing’s ever perfect.
Well, here We are, in all that noise, tryin’ to figure out shit, tryin’ to figure out life, Our life. But it ain’t that simple. We should wait until true silence falls. And then, well, We should hit the bed on time and get up at a decent hour so We can spend enough time by ourself. Always gotta spend that time the most. That “alone” time… It’s the most important time… So they say.
Guess We’ll get back to you, to Us, later. Because this ain’t the time though.
23:04
Everybody’s got something to say… Say’s the man making notes. But then, everybody’s got something to say about everything else. Says the man making notes about all the shit.
So, We got three for today. And two for tomorrow. Shouldn’t waste anything… Get the most out of all of it.
You know… It’s funny how they all pretend to know shit. We see them. Yeah, We fucking see them. And We’re gonna talk about it, not pretending We know. Not knowing. Just talking. Just bullshitting. Really getting into it. Really going deep. Because they talk about race, gender, politics, religion, belief, what’s possible, fucking science… Oh every fucking prick on this damn planet will talk about anything they think is worth mentioning. Their fucking opinions. We see them, all of them. So full of themselves. Controversy after controversy.
You know, even saying the regular shit can lead to controversy these days because controversy has become the new regular. People aiming for clicks, views, drawing attention, whatever. It’s all bullshit. All of it. It’s funny how they keep it up though. Pretending, that is. That pretending. It’s sickening… Sorta.
Hey, We know all about that shit, because it was all We fucking did back then. Now We don’t have to… Because We know.
September 17
00:03
So, one more. Maybe some let’s play. Whatever. We ain’t got shit to do at the moment. But that’s gonna change. Oh, you better enjoy this. You better fucking enjoy this shit. Because when it’s over, yeah, there’s hell to pay. Take it slow, now, for now, bit soon, soon you’ll wish you were never born.
01:32
Fuck. This is it. This is it. It’s creeping up on Us. Didn’t enjoy that shit one bit. Guess that’s it. We’ll see. Might return to it. Just might, but We probably will do so less and less. Damn it’s dawning, like a sunrise… To understand that it might be Our last, you know, before it sets, forever. One day it will, one day that motherfucker won’t rise no more, for Us and for everyone else, though that may be different days, it’s exactly the same. It’s always the same, as it did a trillion times before, so will it a trillion times again. It’s not a question of if, it’s always a question of when. This life, the next, whenever. But it will happen. All of it. All that damn shit will happen.
Man, We gotta do something. Make Us proud, you know. Nobody else, nobody out there gives a shit, really. So it’s for Us and those that might care a little. But it’s really about Us. It’s always about Us. Even if it’s not. They’ll make it about Us. They will, definitely. It’s a weird thing to say, as if We’re the center of it all, but that’s their problem. Our problem, We gotta get as far away as possible. Far out as possible. Still strange… Still no sense to it, but it ain’t nonsense. It’s something else, and not so much bullshit either. It’s such a weird thing. Oh is it weird.
Don’t know man. There’s this thing to it. Gotta admit, We don’t really get it either. Don’t think anyone ever will. The reason behind it all. The why to Our actions, the why to Our ways. There’s not much that can explain other than the actions themself. It’s beyond anything. Beyond logic, because there’s no such thing within reality. True logic doesn’t exist, as everything in existence is random from an inner perspective, from way out there, sure… Then there could exist such a thing as a bigger picture. But would that ever be visible to Us. We’re only one, and We’re stuck here, as long as that’s the case, there’s no bigger picture. Nothing.
None of it. Maybe some of it. But all of it is too much. Maybe one day, maybe then, but not now, never now, maybe. Who knows. Haven’t said shit, because We can’t explain this shit. There’s no words in any dictionary, otherwise We would’ve found or known them already. This ain’t gonna happen because they don’t exist. No mathematical equation, no definition. Nothing. It’s Us, and them, and everyone, and it’s everything, and it circles and circles and never will it stop. Even when it stops, it won’t fade, it will spin back up and start all over again. Frame after frame, time after time. No matter what it is, it is infinite. Do not however, test its limit, because you will die, and it will last forever before you return. Gone for eternity. Meaning, you will not remember, it is a one time thing, as your energy dances and shifts, and switches, and changes, and forms many other things before ever forming this thing once again. And by the time it does, all memory contained has long left and made room for a new version, a new path, a new way.
Does it make sense. Never. It can’t, because if it did then there would be no need for this here, this thing We call living…
11:16
Good afternoon… Just kidding. Hey, at least We was up before eleven. Which is considerably better than any day before this. Maybe We can do better and better, well, there’s a limit though, but We’re not there yet.
Guess We’ll call the old man now. Pick this up after…
11:22
Always bitten, his ass must be something else. Even when nobody steps on the guy’s toes, to him it will feel like someone did. Isn’t that the case for all of Us. You know, don’t We all feel a little left out sometimes, a little abandoned, a little betrayed, a little bit ignored. Ignored for both Our skill or our personality. Don’t know if that’s the case, don’t really have any experience with these feelings. Because without breaking a sweat We’ll make an entire room gaze with fascination at who We are or what We do. They will judge Us, they will look down on Us, they will try to ignore Us and have nothing to do with the crazy guy in the corner. That’s true most of the time. But hey, We can’t give a fuck. Why would We give a fuck about anything they say, and why should you. Are you doing what they are doing? Then maybe… Are you doing what We are doing, then never? Maybe. Are you doing what you should be doing. Don’t even sweat. They ain’t gonna do your shit. They’re gonna stay there, in that opposite corner and judge, doing the same damn thing day in and day out. Always judging.
The best example. This dude man, this guy, this old fuck, well, he calls Us now, talks shit about one guy, asks a question to talk shit about others. Then when he hangs up not much time will pass before he starts talking shit about Us. That’s just how it goes. You know, the other one, Mister Seesaw We’ll call him, because you know, he bitches a lot. Well, Mr. Seesaw does the same damn thing. Always complaining about some many people, always about someone else. But never about themselves. They don’t do that shit. You never hear ’em do that shit. It’s always those stories about how good they were, but never these stories of how good they were not. Maybe because they never went down that path. Maybe because they never confronted their fears. Maybe that’s what leads to such a bitter taste in life, such a repulsed mindset branded by an external perspective. Never that internal understanding. Must be an empty life though.
This was some crazy shit. We’re not in a hurry so We shouldn’t act like it. But We gotta hurry up a little. Gotta get shit done, the faster We do, well, the better.
Fuck man. Sometimes We hate that talk, you know, because now We’ve wasted some good time on something that doesn’t even matter really. Does it matter how other people act. It doesn’t. It’s interesting, and you can learn from them, but it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters in behavior’s regard is that of yourself. And the only form that’s acceptable is that of constant improvement. Something that doesn’t mean to say there’s a need for twenty-four seven expansion and growth.
It’s more like they say. Did you get better today. Did you beat the old self in one respect. Did you go beyond what you once did or believed in. That’s closer to what’s necessary than a constant around the clock twitching tweaking self-improvement or die kinda sense. It doesn’t need to go that fast. It’s a slow process. And it’s also, well, sorta, something that must happen over time, what else are you gonna do. Let’s say that after tomorrow you’ve got forty more years on this bitch, and then go to say that tomorrow you’ve fixed everything about yourself, you’ll be content with who you are. So then what are you gonna do for those next forty years. You could help others get there, but that’s gonna get pretty boring real quick.
This is it. Gotta wipe that ass, get those running clothes and go out there. You know, face the day. ‘Sgonna get good.
12:08
They always make this shit, like, “what I’d do if I was just getting started” type bullshit. That’s like the whole thing. The things you know now are due to getting started and going through the process, and We believe they are mandatory. Sure, avoiding giant career ending mistakes is a plus, but these small setbacks and obstacles, they are necessary. They really are. So why take that shit away from people, give ’em the mindset to enjoy those moments.
17:56
Feeling like shit. Don’t get why. But hey. No time to care. Gotta get this shit down, then get those workouts going. Only got those two that’re mandatory now, but We might add in those leg blasters. Not a brilliant idea though they do fuck you up pretty hard. And that toughens you up pretty bad.
It’s all about getting harder, you know. Getting hards the only reason for doing this. Hard, tough, steel… Whatever. Doesn’t fucking matter…
22:47
We gotta think about this. Really gotta think about this. This is it. This is that crossroads. And it’s a strange one. Because We got three roads here. One, well, one’s really fucked up. One’s not that fucked up but there’s not that much to gain either. And then there’s one where We go back, all the way back to who We were.
It’s up to Us. Just know, We gotta decide. We got time to decide, but not that much. It’s a strange thing.
We got the Easy Brick Road, the Rough Dirt Road, and then there’s that Shitty Mud Road.
The Easy Brick Road. That’s the one where We give up on all of this, and honestly, that’s not even an option. It’s there, but We’d never be able to live with ourself if We would pick this motherfucker. We should never pick this motherfucker. It will get Us nowhere.
The Rough Dirt Road is good, it’s a viable option, but it’s that path where We just walk and walk, and eventually We’ll get some shit but never all of it. We’ll get good, but We won’t be the best, and We’ll never be the toughest. That is, the toughest version We can be. It is a good choice though We might regret that shit at the end.
The Shitty Mud Road, well, that’s a motherfucker, that’s a piece of shit path that’s gonna ask everything We have and it’s gonna put Us in a spot that’s hard to get out from, sorta. This is the road though. If We pick it, then We’ll get somewhere if We manage to keep it up. Though a chance exists, either death, or death. It’s death along the way or death at the end, but it’s death either way.
We don’t have to pick today, because when We pick the Shitty one, then there’s no turning back. Then all it is is this shit, and We won’t do anything else, and maybe that’s exactly what We need to do, maybe that’s what’s required of Us. We do feel like that is what’s required.
Just knowing that once We go down this road, there’s no going back and there’s no stopping whatsoever. No rest, no relaxation, nothing. No recovery, no time for breaks. Then there’s no other option than this one right here. Which sounds fucked up and godly at the same time. Though, it will require everything, there’s a lot more to give, but it takes time, a lot of time to unlock that maximum potential. That’s just how it is. Maybe the Shitty one is the way to go, even though the pain is unbearable and the task is infinite.
That’s all for now. Let’s lose ourself a bit, and when We come back, We’ll know. We will definitely know.
(September 18)
00:46
It’s this damn thing here. Can’t let it go, really. So that means, that means We gotta do it. We gotta level up, go further and beyond. We keep repeating these things and that’s what’s necessary. They always talk about brainwash. So brainwash yourself. Put that shit on repeat. That’s how it works. If you don’t hear nothing else, if there’s nothing else, then this must be it, right. That’s how it’s supposed to work, that’s how it’s gonna work. It’s like running. You know, keep fucking running. It’s as simple as that. Keep fucking running. If you say that to yourself, you gotta keep fucking running. But then you gotta keep fucking running, because when you stop, well, the words are neglected, the words become lies, and lies can’t fuel this. Maybe it’s misinformation, maybe that’s how We can call it. If you don’t know, then you don’t know, and when you do it’ll only bother you.
Something like that. Sorta. Sorta…
Well, here We are. Still not forced to make a decision, We’ve got time until this weekend. This Saturday… Maybe. Don’t really know if that’s the deadline. Maybe it should be. Maybe Sunday should be Our first of the week. Maybe that’s the way. Don’t know. It definitely asks a lot. All this. It’s a constant loop of notions, swirling the madness that lingers.
They think We got room for their simplistic shit, their day to day crap. We ain’t got time for their boring menial bullshit, shit that happens to all of us. It’s waste, clogging the mind. Can’t allow that to happen. Gotta make room you know. Space for those real thoughts, those monsters, those demons, the ones that haunt Us day in and day out. Those that keep Us up and bother Us during the night. It’s that, that’s what’s important. Not who said what, not who did what, not any of that crap. That’s some highschool petty bullshit. This is real life. This is reality. This ain’t no freebie shit, this ain’t a third or fourth run, you only get one chance, so, are you gonna sit around and complain about shit, or are you gonna change your life for the better. That’s a good fucking question, ain’t it. Because if you don’t then you definitely ain’t got that right to complain. If you do, you still don’t get that right. There’s never the right to complain. It’s like, when put in simple terms, are you gonna be a little bitch, or you gonna tough it out like a savage and eat the damn mammoth in the end. Can’t kill the beast in one day. Gotta stick on that ass for days. And when it’s finally down, well, that’s a good time, but there’s another one, and another one, because you’ll always go hungry again.
Live like a savage. Truly live like one, that’s what you gotta do. No matter what people say.
01:01
You know, We could watch something, it’s okay. But don’t think We gonna. It’s weird. Rather watch Our own brain. You know, watch this damn madness…