May 15
11:24
Hey, We did better than usual. Got up around 10:30, which is a huge difference from 12:30 if you ask me. Or was it 13 o’clock. Can’t even remember.
Here We are fucker. We did that main workout with the vest… The complete workout now. Dead, though feeling great. It’s crazy. Took us about six minutes longer than usual, but who cares. We did it.
Don’t know if We have to take a shit, but We gotta get ready for that run though. Put on those ankle weights and shit.
We gotta train harder, train stronger, train better. We gotta put in the work no one else wants to do. So it means putting on extra weight and running those miles. Putting on extra weight and doings those pulls and pushes. We gotta go beyond. No matter the consequences. Because at the end, there will be glory, glory within the self. We don’t believe in magic, though We know for sure that if We see this through, something will happen. Something will. Something must.
We’re still alive, aren’t We. So what’s gonna kill Us. None of this that’s for sure.
23:16
It’s like We wan’ it, and then We don’t wan’ it. But it’s not like when times get hard. It’s more like We don’t know how We wan’ it. It’s a madness stretching over Us. Something that keeps Us busy though forces Us away from everything that’s important. Strangeness of it all. The reflection of everyday failure to focus. To get deeper, go further, into this. Into the self. What can We do? Who can We be? What can We become…
Before We die…
What is it that drives Us truly? Is it what We think it is… The passion, the vision for more, the ultimacy We perceive. Or is it money, is it fame, is it the disease that lingers in Our veins… One molded by this society. Can We say We’ve left it all behind. Or is it a lie We keep telling ourself, one to justify Our mental path… What is it We think about. Still this external bullshit. Too often this outside world scatters Our brain, misguides Our senses. It’s a harsh thing to turn away from, as it is what everybody else lives in. Everyone that surrounds Us, they persist within this madness, they maintain this illusion, the delusion of civilization.
May 16
13:04
It’s a mess…
One day We succeed. The other We fail. Though We pushed it yesterday. So this was expected. Can’t do the same thing today. Gotta get beneath the covers on time. There’s nothing else to do.
On the other hand, sick shit, you know, that idea, to put on extra weight and start doing everything. It’s madness for sure. But it’s Our madness.
May 17
13:39
It’s a mess. It’s all fucked up. And this week has been a total failure when it comes to that shit.
This cannot happen ever again. This must not happen ever again. We gotta change Our life around. We’re doing a lot, but it’s not enough. It’s never gonna be enough. But this small thing is holding Us back to such a degree that We’re not gonna make any progress any more if We continue to maintain this flow.
It’s hard, true. We are tired, We are. This isn’t about saying or thinking, nor focusing on the idea that We’re not. We are… Broken. At the edge of Our energy. Every single day. But to find more, We gotta push beyond. Go beyond all of it.
May 18
05:24
Let’s fucking go…
2h50min sleep… Let’s fucking go. Let’s get that heart attack. A fucking brain aneurysm. We don’t give a fuck. We don’t. Still don’t get it though. Still don’t get how and why We are able to do this. But when We look at that shit a week ago, it wasn’t even possible. Even if We had 7h in the bank, We could barely get up. And sure thing, We did do a 24h run. That shit took a toll no doubt. But this is some bullshit.
That aside…
Let’s get this shit. Let’s get better, let’s get stronger. And do start looking around for another opportunity. We know exactly what to look for…
16:01
So, what’s the plan, punk? Because, deep down We know… Deep down We understand. It’s the same old trap, just another spring. And it might be a golden one, but even that won’t get Us where We wanna go.
There’s some room for growth though. There’s a lot of options in that field, something We lack in Our current one.
We need something. Something concrete. If We put Our mind to something for six months. In this world, this day and age. Anything’s possible. If We only put in the work. But We gotta make it work. We gotta put in a shit ton before We could even begin to expect any return. That’s that return of investment for ya.
So… What are We gonna do. What can We do? Not much, to begin with, though if We begin that little can turn into something and that something could become everything. It’s a madness. And a willingness…
For the longest of times We believed We weren’t shit. Because the way this world works, the way it reflects, painted Us that way. Now We know that that’s not the case. But with this freedom of mind came a shackle not easily shook loose. Who are We really? What’s Our true worth? Who can We be? Searching has taken many years from our remaining days. Mainly because We’re not the fastest kid on the block, not the smartest. Do have some wit that’s not easily found in others. But that thing ain’t worth shit other than a certain sense of survival and problem solving.
We do possess a certain will, a nature that’s not of this world. Something that goes beyond and comes back, perpetually. Like We always say. A madness, an insanity…
Still. Nothing has been discovered about anything. We found a monster, a demon, that We can harness to go to a certain point both physically and mentally. Other than that there’s not much that’s uncovered about Our nature, about who We can be or could become. Which is annoying. Which is maddening.
We will continue that search, though also feel like that search should grow to be something more active. Something that gets worked on through developing, creating. And We know this has always been, or at least became, a passion of Ours, the word, and now more so the written one. A powerful tool in the search for self. Not a higher self, not a better self. Just the self that was always overlooked due to the world’s influence, unbeknownst and not.
Much of what We know today went over Our heads as We were younger, because of stubbornness, mainly, and also lack of life experience. Or world experience if one could call it that.
This is it for now. Don’t drain that tank, this is not some workout. Nor a test of endurance. This is a path of consistent output.
21:52
Less of a mess… Maybe… They be
Staring, caring… A lot about these moves
Groves, like a tram, no buzz, no slam
No trophy, though free and chasing
A facing feeling, there’s no freaking ceiling
No edge to this ledge of madness
Trailing, keep on sailing, surfing the current
Each wave determined, each grave deterrent
Feels great, so fervent, almost running a fever
Are you a believer, or a doubter, can you speak louder
Harder than the farthest man denying
They will say, he’s lying, he’s faking,
His knees are shaking see
But they ain’t trying, not breaking free
May 19
05:24
This shit is getting out of hand. It’s really all just bullshit. Just some bullshit. We won’t even believe what the fuck’s going on here. This shit ain’t possible…
It just ain’t.
We’re not going with this shit any longer…
This mess has to stop. And it ain’t that pre-workout. It ain’t the late meals. It ain’t all that shit. That’s some bullshit. So We gotta figure what it is exactly that keeps Us up supposedly. Because according to the watch We only fell asleep by 1:30 am. So that’s two hours of just laying there not sleeping. This some bullshit. Real bullshit.
15:58
Back at it again…
It could be anything, you know. There’s no limits, none of that boundary bullshit. We can write anything We want. Anyway We want. It’s not about impression, it’s not about improvement, it’s definitely not about perfection. It ain’t about anything in particular.
Just…
Just a simple layout of a maddening sense that cannot be contained. A sense that drives itself. Not a shred of impulse control. And to be frank. It is not required for a gift such as this.
Maybe a little ego there, but it is a gift. They crowned it as the king of curses though. So let’s turn this motherfucker around.
Doesn’t have to be long, doesn’t have to be much. Just has to be. Like it is. Like it exists. And most of all, doesn’t always has to make sense, not even to the self.
May 20
05:26
Well, We’re a crazy person. We do some fucked up shit. Though We should stop using Our mind in such ways…
That aside. Let’s go motherfucker. Another damn day. That run’s gonna kill, but We wouldn’t want it any other way. The rest of the day is gonna murder Us too, probably. The lack of sleep is insane.
That’s it for now. Maybe try and get something down later…
15:53
We keep on coming back, don’t We. We keep reminding Our self at the exact moment when necessary. But not in a way saying We have to do it. It’s more like a “let’s write”. Let’s see what the fuck flows from these fingertips. It’s not so much writing, more so typing. But to Us it’s still writing. Maybe We did write enough with pen and paper, because that’s all We ever did back in the day. But that’s also the reason not much has been typed out and put to use. So We gotta turn that thing around, don’t We.
Guess this is that. The turnaround… Might be something else entirely. We don’t know, and We never do. That’s the pleasant part of this. It’s an experience for Us, as much as it is a task, or a necessity. Wouldn’t wanna call it that, any of that though. Because every piece ties together. It all falls into certain places. Though to understand how any of it works, one must abhor chronological thinking. One must incorporate a timeless vision.
Keep it simple, straightforward. Make it work. And We do mean these words. Make them tie together sentences that go beyond anything ever made. Create paragraphs of maddening insanity that reveal the purity of a lost soul seeking purpose. It sounds cliche, though it’s not the kind of purpose seeking everyone else is talking about. This here is about suffering. About breaking down, as fast as possible. Then rebuilding with what’s left and adding more. Then, do it all over again.
May 21
05:28
Just another Thursday, right…
What a mess man. We gotta fight this tiredness with all We’ve got. Gotta find that extra bit. Keep searching for that extra bit of energy. That untapped potential.
It’s somewhere down there. And it is something powerful. But We gotta figure it out. It’s not gonna pop up all by itself. It’s like unlocking a new ability in a video game. You gotta work towards that shit.
All of this actually resembles a video game in many aspects. It’s just not viewed in a similar way. Though We could turn it into something that looks a lot like it.
See ya later. And think about that shit…
15:54
It’s a thing…
We could, We could go there. See what that shit’s all about, We could try it one more time. But you know We hate it. Not the going, not the doing it, not the place… Just the amount of people. All those fucking people man. Sorta drives Us nuts. Don’t know why though. Maybe We should face it again. Maybe We should socialize. Just maybe. But…
And this might be an excuse…
It’s not in Our nature. We wouldn’t wanna train with others, workout with a “partner”. We don’t need a freaking spotter. You either get it up, get it out of the way, or die beneath the weight.
We’ll see. Maybe We will. Then We should do that shit on Saturday. Go to the store on Sunday. You know, fucking get up early.
Just get better. Do more. Go harder… Become something insane…