FOLDER 56 Section 51 4-10 September

September 4

06:16

The question… Can We make it work… That’s a damn good one.

It’s Friday ain’t it. That’s great. But We couldn’t care less. We really couldn’t, it doesn’t stop for Us. Not here, not there. Think it’s funny. It’s either go or drop dead. Maybe one day We’ll drop dead which would be superb actually. Don’t really wanna die, nobody wants to die right now. But hey, if it’s because of running a heart attack or something like that, well, don’t give a fuck. Then We’ll have died in the midst of a struggle. Great way to go.

It’s funny how so many people alway talk big work, hard work, with their mouth. But then when you start to realize what they really do, when you get it, completely, you realize they ain’t doing shit, never done shit, and never will do shit. It’s an honest to god thing. Starting to hear it in their words.

Not gonna say We’re working hard. Don’t wanna say that shit, nah, We’re gonna do it. Harder and harder. Stack that shit like bricks, and before you know you’ve got a house of hard work. That’s a sturdy routine with some discipline in those seams.

Hey, gotta focus though. Not necessarily on this, but We gotta maintain a certain focus at all times. That perspective, you know. That particular sense We’re looking for. Forgotten, left behind, but it surfaces once again. We’re looking for a peculiar world view. One that doesn’t occur by itself. It’s molded. Created. The idea, the notion…

It’s all about the way We perceive things. And in that perception is where We gain insight. A gaze deep into existence. Everyone can do this, but the madness factor is high, extreme, it will corrupt you in ways. And a lot of work is required to undo what becomes second nature to the mind and its patterns. The danger lies within the sinking. If one sinks too deep, well, then you’re kinda fucked. But getting out is possible. It really is, but it just ain’t simple. And it’s gonna require you to go beyond yourself.

Now, in that state, when you’re in such a place, going beyond yourself really takes you to a nasty place. For Us it was roaming the streets for a couple weeks. Living like a bum.

07:35

Yeah, that sucked. That run really sucked. Just over that  twelve minute mile marker. That’s something We don’t like to see…

Yeah, really sucked. Don’t know what’s up though. Was the bag too heavy, are We just a pussy. Was the shin all messed up, are We just a little bitch. Was the energy all tapped, are We just a lazy punk. Don’t know what it was. Really don’t. But that was some weak shit. Couldn’t snap out of it. It’s two days in a row now, and We end up in this place where We really feel like crying. Is it the pain. Is it a particular hate for what’s happening. Because We wanna continue but We just can’t seem to grow. Can’t seem to grow beyond a certain point. Maybe We’ve gotta start all over. That might be it. Don’t know. Go back all the way. But honestly. We’ve become a master of the ten to twelve minute mile range. That’s a truth. Should get deeper into that. Should practice that bitch so much. Maybe get it from eight to twelve. That would be the best. Don’t need anything else.

08:11

Well. Here We are. Gotta fix some shit first, then We can definitely get back to this thing. It’s Friday. That’s a gift. But We don’t really care… Could be a Wednesday…

Well. There’s a lot of work left. That self-job. Something these simple-minded fucks won’t get. They don’t know abou the self-job. You know, the payment… A peace of mind found nowhere else.

08:33

Fuck. Shit’s shit. Guess it’s like this, not like anything else.

08:35

Well, We sorta got the time here. Don’t know how though. Can’t do shit undisturbed. Some times, sure, other times We’re fucked in the a**hole. As long as We don’t start drifting We’re sorta good. But the moment Our mind starts to fade away from this existence, well, guess it’s time to take a breather. Much like this…

08:40

Remember what We said yesterday… Don’t push it. Just allow it to occur…

08:51

Damned if We do, damned if We don’t.

10:13

This is more like it. Maybe. Can’t remember any of the time-stamps in the previous note. Damn…

Gotta get this thing rolling though. Always onna roll. Yeah, that’s certain. A particular stretch that has Us contemplate many strange notions and a bunch of those regular ideas.

11:19

Fuck man, time’s flying, and it isn’t. Still early in the day, but time’s really flying if We look at this shit. There’s been not one moment of silence so far. Only the early hours. Well, now and then there was a gap. But that’s been it.

11:24

Always talking, not much doing.

12:47

Now We were talking. Sometimes We do. And a little exaggeration, sometimes We do. We can. We must. Fuck these people. This here needs honesty, that other shit don’t matter. Talking to them don’t matter…

12:50

Fuck. Hate it when she’s doing that. You know, buying all that stuff. Like that shit’s gonna change anything. It ain’t gonna change shit.

12:59

That usually it. People wanna add structure on the outside because there’s none of it on the inside. And that’s not a diss, it’s a plea to go out and help yourself before it’s too late. Because one day it will be… Too late…

13:02

There’s this thing. Something We gotta figure out. But We don’t really know what that is. It’s hard to understand, to grasp if you will, and more so, to hold onto. Holding onto is practically impossible. At least for a longer period of time. And there’s a lot of that time where one can hold onto the thing…

Yeah, here We go again. A momentary lapse into the Dreamworld. Fuck man We’re far out. Gotta nap f….

14:53

Yeah. Heavy shit. Did do some work. Did really. It’s gonna get fucked any second, or at least straight away…

14:54

It’s crunch time, so blast these punchlines as we punch lines

on the keyboard, she whored while we stored this free chord and spree sword

It’s the pen, pleased then freezed, zen ceased, men pieced

This shit together, does it fit you better, or pissed you met her,

Because she’s tens compared to your twos, hence no fare for your shoes

It’s door choose, like two or three, do you see, at least in or through, it’s been your flu

But now everyone’s sick, every ass thick

Except yours. Core’s your main focus,

Don’t like this shit, just had to get it out…

15:12

Guess We got this thing though. Guess it’s better now. Back to Us. Don’t care about all these other bitches. Gotta focus on this shit right. Gotta get it right. Can’t fuck this up. Man, mistakes is nothing. We just can’t fail ourself this time. That would be stupid. Because that’s really stupid. You know. You know exactly where you are and the reason why that’s the situation. It’s because you failed yourself. It’s not a problem, if you solve that, but you gotta solve it.

15:22

Here We are. Again. Same place, different time, same day, different shit. It’s how this thing goes. We feel different, We write different. Not Our words, the direction. It’s a nasty thing… This flow, this time, this life this existence, existing. There’s this place within, it’s always within, never out there. It can’t be out there because there’s nothing on the outside. It’s all empty meaningless filler. It’s there to occupy Us whilst We shift between revelations.

15:42

Ain’t got that much time left. Guess We’ll push that shit on the pile. Then close the shop and get the fuck hime. Hope that rain keeps dripping, that shit’s golden.

17:22

Balcony’s slippery

Yeah, don’t know if We’re announcing every balcony meeting. Well, it’s the only one that really matters. We might fuck it up, but We’re probably never gonna skip the bitch anymore. We got the morning one after the workout, We got this one on the balcony, and the one before bed. Those are the three main ones. Then We got that extra when We get to the job, it depends though on what shift We’re running.

Other than that everything’s just filler. These in betweens. But hey, even these in betweens might be important or hold sustenance. And sometimes when We fuck one of the main three, well, then they might be trash and still get the spotlight, right. So all that shit goes in. Even if it’s just bullshit.

You know, one day, somewhere in all these lines there might be that golden gem for someone. And if it helps them through a tough time, or over that hurdle, well. Then that would make Our day. But to do that, everything needs recognition. Because that gem stems from a pile of words that put the pressure to manifest that one line. And then there’s something to backtrack, you know, see where that shit came from. For that one person it would not be relevant, but others might find that shit interesting, to know where one idea comes from. Because it comes from many other notions that passed by and were forgotten, though never faded.

Yeah, this world is truly beautiful. It is. Funny though. One day of rain running and We’re in this high. You know, “filin’ goouwd” as We would say. Always… But now a little more so than any other time.

That sensation of raindrops splattering on the skin while chugging across the pavement, all the soaked sand from construction areas or roadworks that sticks to the shoes and makes that shuffle noise with every step. All the people with their coats and their umbrellas and their ponchos, and whatever. Tryna get home as quick as possible.

Nah, We take Our damn time in the rain. Yeah, We take Our damn time because it’s nice and We don’t get a lot of it. Well, at least not when We’re running. When We’re inside or unable to run, or working out on the balcony, sure. Raining season. Floods, whatever. But whenever We go for that run… Nothing. Or just a little bit. So whenever We get some, We take Our time.

Sometimes that’s an important part in life, slow down a bit, just a bit. And then you’ll see, you’ll start to notice. Not so blind to the ways of life any longer. That’s real important right. To know what life does. Or at least to see it do, because, when you don’t, life’s really gonna fuck you up meaning, you’re gonna go through one hell of a ride.

23:56

Should’ve gotten some more shit down. Though We also wanna get that thing somewhat up and running, though We don’t know shit about any of it. Because We’re not doing it enough, that’s the problem. But if We do go to bed now. Then maybe We can wake at a decent hour. And with that We’ll have enough time to work on that shit. Get some focused hours in.

00:01

Well. Here We are. In the bed. Crazy right. We just did. Might still watch some bullshit, but at least We’re resting. Gonna have to lose those ankle weights for a bit though. Little sad but it is what it is.

You know. This is perfect. The worst thing about all this, We were actually considering doing the damn work… But it’s Friday, and damn right it’s Friday. This day is a sort of chill day. A sort of relax day. Not really, because We still put in that physical work, and We still got that damn job We’re always going to, and then there’s this. Didn’t have time to put the week in a Word-file. Too bad. Don’t care. Can’t care. All We gotta do is get this shit over with. Don’t know how long it’s gonna last because We’re kinda feeling it. You know, boiling. Always boiling. Boiling over… But that’s okay. It happens. We can control it though, a lot better than We used too, and oftentimes We don’t have to say shit. Our shit’s doing, or at least that’s what it became over the last two years. It’s only been this way for a couple of months now. It’s only just now that We’ve started truly holding ourself accountable. But… There’s a lot more to do. There’s still this Negative Nelly within which We need to eradicate. Yeah, really necessary. It’s not doing a lot anymore, but honestly, it’s still there and surfaces from time to time. It has to go, it really does. There’s no room for this thing any longer.

00:14

Damn, almost went for the land of dreams with Our phone in hand. Getting a little sleepy that’s for sure. It’s a good thing ain’t it. Gotta get sleepy because We’re gonna sleep soon, gotta sleep soon.

Don’t know what these twitches are, they’re annoying as fuck, that’s for sure… Because they’re so fucking hard, like aggressive on the entire system of muscle, bone, tendon. That’s insane shit right.

Those moments where We drop the phone are annoying as well. Kinda fucked up the screen even more there. It was crazy because everyon’s doing it. Us everyone.

Guess We gotta push a little further. Shit’s getting weird. You know by now, there’s nothing in this world We love more than that weird shit. And We know sometimes people get real mad at Us because of that mentality. They crave normalcy, they hunker for the ordinary, the easy, the forth going days. Nah, We want those strange things exploding all around Us and getting in the way, and be able to say the We faced those things with a smile on Our face, either at the end or halfway through. Doesn’t matter when and where. Just as long as We enjoy that hurt and pain a little bit, a little bit too much.

It’s not much is it, but We can’t seem to keep this up. Falling away pretty fast. Always napping though.

You see, always talking about get it, but We also get recovery in Our own way. Sorta. Not as good as We want it, but that’s gonna happen eventually. Right.

Guess this is it. Yeah, for now. We’ll be back tomorrow, that’s for sure. Gotta figure out this blog thing though, put these motherfuckers on the internet. Damn that’s gonna suck. Don’t really feel like it, but yeah, it probably really is what We gotta do. We’ll find out eventually. We will, and on that day, well, then We’ll finally gain some real traction.

Fuck, go sleep motherfucker. You can barely stay awake…

See ya tomorrow, punk.

September 5

10:09

Damn, shit changed. Shit really did. Maybe We’re getting serious about this. You know, don’t know exactly what happened, We almost went back, We closed Our eyes, the body unwilling to move… But then We started thinking. Not dreaming. We wanted to be dreaming still. Damn sure. But We started thinking about all this shit. And honestly, it worked. The main line was how fast we could get shit done, and if We get it over with, say the routine and the run, run is part of the routine somehow, well, then We can eat and take a nap. Because damn are We gonna eat. Eat a lot.

Hope the melon’s still good though We doubt that shit.

Look, there’s no avoiding this shit today. First We’ll get the prior week on that computer, but then it’s blogging time. Don’t know shit though, so, it’s all experimental. That’s all it is, but it’s a live experiment. Or at least that’s what it should be. Nobody’s gonna see that shit anyway, not to begin with at least, probably gonna take a month or a few before one person might stumble across Our shit. That’s how life works. And in Our case, wouldn’t even bet on that shit. Don’t even wish for something so easy. Nah. You’re gonna have to drag people on that platform.

Just hope We kinda make it clear from the start that this is some growth type bullshit, though not the five step pray in the morning gratitude, chant you mantra, kinda bullshit. Nah man. This some real shit. It’s not even directly teaching anything. It’s just Us being Us which means We’re ranting about these things that clog Our brain and We just gotta get ’em out. Gotta get that shit outta here because We’re too busy, with a lot of other shit of course.

That’s why sometimes We will talk about others, though We don’t like it. Mostly talk about ourself or the shit We’re in or what’s heavy, what’s great. Whatever… But it will mainly reflect on Us because We’re the only person We really know. Right. Everyone else is just an acquaintance. Just a passerby. That’s all it is. The only person, well, the person you’re with the most is yourself.  Everyone els is just a minute mate. Sure, you spend time with others, more than a minute. But don’t get this the wrong way, deep down they don’t give a fuck about you. Yeah. They don’t. One of the greatest lines of all time. Nobody is listening, everyone’s just waiting for their turn to speak. Props to Fight Club for that one.

You know, there’s this thing…

Good job. It was somewhat like nine thirty. Little later though. But that’s still great. Haven’t been out of bed before ten in the last couple weeks on every Saturday. So doing this is ultimate power. A strength We can use further down the line. And We will fail, maybe even tomorrow. We will fail again. But that’s not bad, it just gives Us that extra edge when We figure out the difference between doing it and not doing it. The main pattern of thoughts led Us to this, and soon that run. Maybe take a shit though, first. Don’t know. Could be a fart but kinda does feel like a shit. We’ll see. Not nodding off, not yet, that shit would be hilarious though. Well, could believe it since We’re that tired. And We should stop calling it that because We’re actually just exhausted. Which is kinda the same thing. The only difference is with the first you lack sleep, with the second it doesn’t matter whether you sleep or not, you’re fucked. Always fucked.

Guess We’re leaving it at this here, We’ll come back for sure. It’s a Saturday, don’t expect too many side notes though.

16:12

Don’t really know what to say. It’s like this. We did pretty good. We really did. It’s only a little past four in the afternoon. Gonna start those workouts soon. Probably shit first. That’s the deal. Otherwise We just might shit these pants. Did that while running though. Not so long ago but still long enough. It was a funny thing. Almost made it, but then We didn’t. That’s how this shit goes. That’s always how this shit goes. What do you expect. It has to happen right.

Shit has to happen. Otherwise the fun parts in life, the easy parts, wouldn’t be what they are. And you know, have some, hope you do, wish you all the luck in this world, We don’t though. For some reason We can’t. It can never be easy, it can never be anything other than hard. Yeah, for some reason We spawned in on hardcore mode. Fun right. Wouldn’t want it any other way now.

You know, it’s fucked up. Being so much these past couple years, having so many different faces all these years, and now finally breaking free from that need. Hey, sometimes We gotta indulge the demon, and these people won’t know, and We don’t care. Because it’s all they do. It’s exactly like they say, these people talk about who they wanna or wanted to be… Never really about who they are. They never go there, never open themselves up really. It’s a harsh thing, true, it’s a nasty sense, definitely true. But it’s the necessary action if you want life to be better.

Saying shit like beating up fifteen guys, then We automatically think, either none of them could fight, like at all, were a lot younger, or you’re just lying your ass off. Maybe one or two, all the others were just standing there.

We’ve had altercations with up to seven people, anyone in any situation like that, no matter the skills, and knowing those guys can fight, should understand there’s not much to do. Don’t start weeping like a bitch though, don’t back down. Maybe fight back a little, take what you have to take and let it pass. Let their ego overflow. Don’t provoke. But if you ever catch one of them alone, you know, walking down the street by themselves, then that’s a good moment to go hard on their ass. Might bring back those problems and they might come after you again, but hey, sometimes it’s just enough to be fair, and settle shit. It’s about respect. Sorta.

It’s funny how we tell these bullshit stories to make ourselves feel all this and that, when it’s just emotion, just feeling, just whatever. And we waste so much of our time as humans on this surface just making up shit, instead of living our true self. Always wanting to be something else, someone else… Modeling ourselves against people that aren’t much better and probably don’t wanna live the lives they currently do, it’s a universal thing. But then again, what is a life to begin with. Shouldn’t it be all random, shouldn’t be all strange, shouldn’t be exactly that which you don’t expect it to be. Because that seems to be what life’s all about. Life’s at its best when that unexpected shit arises and takes over the wheel. You know, when life does its thing. Yet, we wanna be all this and that forgetting what life’s truly about.

Hey, it ain’t fair, it ain’t easy, there’s a lot of adversity, and a lot of struggle. Honestly, it’s gonna be like that either way, and then it comes down to you choosing inaction and regret over action and pride.

Why did We put it like this, the sentence, because We want you to think about it. Who says the negative first in such a narrative. We do, because the negative is often what grabs the mind, or parts of the mind, mainly due to its easy nature and pleasant sense. The hard stuff’s action any day every day. But doing that shit means pride, and pride means growth. Stay humble though. That’s the most important thing. Ain’t gonna act all high and mighty though, because when it comes to being humble We still got a lot to learn. But most ain’t even gonna reach the first level of humility, so, take your time. Learn that shit. Learn what it is to be humble. Feel it, enjoy it.

September 6

00:10

Yeah, shit’s fucked up.

Gotta go over that site building like a motherfucker. Guess tomorrow will be one of those days, a day where We crack that brain all the way open. We must. We gotta continue. Sure, this shit wasn’t part of the plan, but it is what it is. It’s not live yet. But it’s sorta ready to be put live. Though that site doesn’t represent shit…

First We gotta build it back up from the ground. All the way. Gotta make it work, get it right. Sorta. It’s probably gonna change over time. Definitely. It’s not just gonna be what it is at the moment forever. Shit changes, and that’s the kinda notion We wanna spread.

Like the workouts, the workouts won’t stay the same for all of eternity. We must switch things up now and then. But… That notion, that idea of doing this shit everyday is something that must remain the same. This thing cannot change, must not change, and will not change. Mainly because it’s something We must see through, to the bitter end. The sweat, blood, and tears We have shed so far, well, We can’t just let them be for nothing. If We do that then We will have failed ourself big time, and probably for the last time, because doing that, abandoning Our goals, hopes, dreams this time will destroy Us, or at least that part of Us that still cares. That may be the reason for all this. That may be the reason why We’re going after it in this fashion. We’ve never done anything like this before, We’ve never done anything with this amount of passion.

00:21

Fuck the brain. The brain’s a punk. Ain’t got shit, ain’t worth a damn. Always going places We shouldn’t, always acting in ways it shouldn’t, always thinking things it shouldn’t. It’s always doing this crap and wasting Our time. Fucking brain. Can’t seem to control it that well. Good thing We’re chemically imbalanced naturally, you know, so We don’t have to deal with the emotions and feelings regular people need to do on a daily basis.

Try and think of the last time when you’ve really felt. God damn that shit’s been a while. We haven’t really felt anything, except during that hundred-K, yeah, but that’s to be expected. And a couple days in a row not so long ago, because We’re sick and tired of this shit.

Well, We really are sick and tired. Sick in a way We don’t understand and definitely chronic, and tired, well, that’s more like perpetual exhaustion. That’s that. And it just got to Us a little bit, mad-sad-sulky kinda emotion. But it didn’t even get through, We did yell some, but that’s more like a mental booster to get over the physical pain. Always that physical shit. Thought We would be used to it by now, but it just keeps coming back. And sure, We should feel certain things, just to feel them but also know when it’s really enough, when that day of disappointment in Our physiological structural strength grows as the mechanism fails Us once again.

Don’t fucking understand why We had to say it this way, but this is how it came out. Fuck it.

00:29

Oh yeah. Guess We forgot about that shit. Sure. The run, maybe that’s why We’re on the blog all of a sudden, to get Our mind away from that twenty-four hours. But it’s not gonna escape Us this time. Nah. This time We’re on it like a maniac. The math is simple, know it from the top. The food is easy, just get it all together. The clothes, the stuff, all that shit is obvious, don’t forget anything. What’s most important is the run. Keep running as long as possible, like, just run. Don’t blast, don’t rush. Just shuffle, don’t pay no mind to anyone. Don’t. You do you. That’s what you gotta do.

You know, you know exactly what this is. Fuck all those people, they’re not doing what you are doing. And they never will, so of you keep doing this shit then maybe you have a chance. One shot to make it big. One shot to become a monster. One long move to greatness. Something beyond anyone’s dreams. Yeah, We believe you got that in you. We really do. Well, everyone’s got that inside, slumbering, so wake it up. Find a way to wake it up, that’s what We are doing. Trying to wale up the damn monster inside. Because there’s this beast, something beyond a savage, something so primal it would frighten even the harshest of cave men among Us. Sad there ain’t none of them around any longer.

00:38

Fuck it. We’re done for the day. Definitely are. Q lot of work tomorrow. So make it work. Get shit done. Really get shit done.

One more thing. Sometimes this here’s enough, like, all the notes We wrote today, they’re more than enough. Some good shit punk.

Let’s get that shit up and running.

10:02

Don’t know what We’re gonna talk about. Got a couple of things here, some good, some bad.

First, great job on that workout, well, getting out of bed in general. Really got up fast and got into it real quick. That’s like professional mentality. But then…

Second is that wash. We had clothes in the washing machine from yesterday. Totally forgot about those, and this shit can happen, but We can’t let it happen, you know. We cannot allow this type of shit to occur. It’s a reflection of Our old junkie self. Something that must be eradicated, though sometimes it’s a good thing to be remembered about who We were, or what We were, just so We can rekindle that fire to go against what it is We were and burn Our way towards a better person. Someone that’s more attentive of his shit is a part of that.

Third, but there’s no third really. It’s just Us, here, talking. It’s like We have this urge. But We don’t wanna spoil anything, don’t let it go bad, you know. A hundred miles is a lot, but it is possible. Definitely possible. Just gotta surpass what We had last time and run thirty-five more. And that’s kilometers.

Yeah, that shit’s mean. It’s gonna fuck Us up… And We’re not done recovering from the last “fuck Us up” about a month ago. Yeah, fucking love it though. It’s the best there is. All the pain, all the doubt, all that damn shit. It’s important to have these things on a regular basis. That’s real important. Actually there’s nothing more important, because overcoming them shows you who you really are.

Well. It’s not such a big deal if you get or don’t get whatever you’re after. There’s always that second, third, whatever attempt, which is any time you can. You don’t have to go the next day, maybe work towards the goal the next day, train, recover, eat, whatever. But getting the goal can take forever. Depends on the goal. Don’t make cleaning your room such a daunting task. That shouldn’t take forever to start, you know. But running a hundred miles ain’t easy, running a hundred miles after only two years of running and one of those years ultra-running, well, that shit ain’t easy. But… But… This shit’s possible. Our body’s not gonna like it. Nah man, the body’s not gonna agree. But We’re starting to hope it doesn’t. The mind will question this existence over and over, it will spiral perpetually, and We hope it does. Ask away punk. The soul will surface and scream, it will stagger and shake, and We hope it comes out, We hope it starts looking for a way out. But We’re not gonna give it. Not this time. There’s no way out this time. No pussy shit, no excuses, no pain, nothing that’s gonna prevent Us from doing this. Well, that’s the mindset We’ll bring. Hope it remains such for the duration of that twenty-four hours. Which is the hardest thing. That’s the hardest to do. Keep that mindset. Especially halfway. That’s like the hardest point, knowing you have to maintain that positive attitude for the same duration though the body is breaking down left and right, and there’s no hope because time’s against you. Crazy shit right.

Why any person would do this to themselves, it’s beyond Us, We still don’t really get why We started doing this. Think that question will gain answers the further We go down this path. It has something to with enlightenment, that’s for sure. Because whatever the fuck’s happening on those courses or during those stretches, those miles, those hours, it is something that frees you from all that shackles you to the social existence We live nowadays. Don’t know how else We can put this shit. Just don’t. That’s, right now, what We have when it comes to this.

All the pain, that’s mostly what does it. Especially the back, when the back gets fucked, Our emotions get fucked, and then We get mad.

See ya later though. Going for the run now.

14:43

So, back on that balcony.

That’s that shit right. Tight. It’s only since yesterday, and it’s not that long. Less than twenty-four hours…

Toilet ain’t free, so We’re sorta fucked. Because We always gotta go. Don’t know why, don’t ask Us but here, well, here that shit starts pressing.

A week, one week, or at least six days. Not counting today makes five. And two of them are vacation days, no work, no damn job. We need that shit. Not for recovery purpose, nah, for that mental purpose. It’s important, the mentality behind all this. The mind that’s behind the endeavor. That’s the strongest part anyone could gain. The body and the spirit always can, or at least a lot more than We often presume. But the mind. The mind’s a weak little bitch. Always wanting to quit, always looking for that easy way out. This time, there’s no such thing. This time We’re going beyond.

It’s very important to go beyond, it’s of utmost importance. You know, push ourself to that next level. And We’re gonna have to push ourself big time.

You know damn well, you know damn well how far We’re gonna have to go. And that’s monster shit. It’s madness… It really is, but that’s what’s necessary. It’s the only way to bury that old version, those old ways. And there’s still some in there, We can feel them. They’re not done, but We ain’t done either. Never done… Never finished.

15:00

Cutting those nails. Damn big toe on the right foot had one of those ingrowns. That shit’s annoying. Hope We got everything out. Don’t know though. No clue at all.

15:03

Other side was pretty good. Left them unattended for too long though. We can’t do shit like that. It only makes things worse, especially if something’s wrong already.

Can’t care though, this shit’s something We must live with. Because whatever can go wrong will go wrong. At least in this life We’re living. That’s something We’ve learned so far. Doesn’t matter what We do, doesn’t matter if We wan’it or not, doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, doesn’t fucking matter what it is. If it’s something that’s part of Us then it’s gonna go wrong along the way. And big time usually.

There’s not a thing We can do about any of it. It’s just gonna happen. It just will. No turning back. No escaping… Nothing.

Honestly, back then We hated that shit. Now, well now, it’s becoming somewhat of a necessity. Something that We need to confirm We’re going the right way, walking the right path, doing the right thing. Because oftentimes it has everything to do with whether We want something or don’t. Because when We want something, well, We sure as shit can’t have it. Though We’re sorta starting to understand what that is exactly. Because if We were given the first best thing, then We wouldn’t have been doing this. We wouldn’t. If We made it in to the army or FFL then We wouldn’t have been doing this.

It’s all about this. It’s all about who We are now. You know, all those things We wanted, it was that sense of let’s change Our life, let’s do it. Like, let’s go there and that will force Us to change Our life, when actually all We needed to do was stay here and change Our life, and We sorta got that now, and We did. We fucking did. Didn’t We. God damn… Motherfucker. Who woulda knew. That’s the craziest part. Whomever knew Us back then, they would never believe this. They wouldn’t. Because you’re talking about Us, that punk, that lying cheating bitch ass punk… Yeah, it’s not possible. But it is. Coming from that, and creating this, it’s all possible. Just takes something though.

The only thing We can say that might make many fail… Those dark places man, inside, the truth about what you did, what you do, and what you might if you stay the road you’re on… That’s a damn tough one, because it gets real. It plays home and it’s gonna lose. Definitely.

Now this a damn note, see your stinking ass later…

20:22

Well. Here We are. Pretty early if you ask Us, but hey, that’s a good thing. If We can get an easy six to seven hours then, well, We’re solid. Then like, not push it. Keep it slow. Maybe use the weights, maybe don’t. Don’t fucking know. Still tryna figure out. Thing is, the damage is already done, so, yeah, what more can We do. Can’t become what you already are.

Gotta get better though, get a lot better. Know what’s funny. Don’t know if We actually do or not, but We might have that big C. That’s a possibility. Might have a lot of shit. Don’t fucking care. Never get Our blood tested, well, it’s been a while now, a long while. Ever since Our last vacation.

Don’t wanna talk about this shit though. It just came to mind as We lay here and Our belly’s going all crazy again, and there’s like this stretchy discomfort in certain places, and We know for a fact something’s wrong in that particular area, but it could just be some gut microbe issue. Not necessarily cancer or whatever.

Got that run coming up. So We ain’t got time for cancer, or anything else. Ain’t got time for shit. Other than this of course. The running, the workouts, the writing. Whatever. Just ain’t got time for anything else. That’s just the simplicity of this. All We do is this. It’s all that has to happen. Everything else, just side quests. That’s what it is. It really is. Just grinding and grinding. And it’s not even a thing like We wanna get better. Nah, then We would be going about it the wrong way. Completely. Lack of recovery, over-training… Whatever you can think of. We don’t even take food that seriously, We just eat, and eat. But it’s the only thing that comes close to what it’s supposed to be. Everything else, dog shit. Volume is way of the charts. Sleep is amateur at best. There’s zero room for rest days, it’s just go at it again and again and again… And you know, again. Because, that’s the point. It’s exactly the thing. It’s not running a sub twenty minutes five-K, or doing a sub three hour marathon. Definitely not lifting huge amounts of weight, nor is it that mirror flexing shit. Hey We respect all of that, We really do. Don’t have a bad thing to say about any of it. Like some people would go around and say, ah, but that’s not functional. Nah, We don’t fucking care. Do what you think is necessary, or do what you love. Just know it’s not Our game, don’t even come around trying to play Our game. That’s gonna kill your ass. Definitely. There’s days where We can barely move, really, like, tight tendons and sore muscles. But it’s not a soreness you feel after a great gym session the day, or two with DOMS, before. Nah, this some real tissue damage, not just ripped fibers. This is entire muscle tears, the ones that might end up separating muscle from tendon. We know, because it’s a shit ton of pain, and We’ve been dealing with pain for two years now in a way that many never will. It’s Our mission, Our vision. That once you get oast a certain point, well, there’s a “gift”. Not really, but sorta. The pain will definitely fade. It will. Eventually it should. If it doesn’t, well, you’re fucked. But it should. We’re not there yet, not at all.

What it really comes down to, well, it’s kinda strange. Because to explain We can’t really explain but We gotta work Our way into this via an example. Think of it as this. There’s this thing within DNA that’s dormant, and We think it’s possible to wake that fucker back up, it heals the crap out of you. It comes from a time where none of us had much and life was harsh in degrees and levels none of us could ever understand. Real hard. Though somehow our species managed to survive. Well, We believe there’s a couple of things that made sure we did. And that little healer savage within our DNA is one key to the multi-lock door.

It’s not magic, it’s not even science. It’s beyond anything. It’s spiritual, though this is not some meditative chakra kinda bullshit. You’re not gonna wake that thing by sitting on your ass. You’re gonna have to suffer.

Oh, you’re gonna have to suffer. Every muscle in Our body is aching in ways We never even thought of as possible. Every day We wish for it to end, every day We hope it kills Us. We really do. It’s the only way this might ever stop. But We also pray that We’ll get there, the day where this thing kicks in, wakes up, and starts doing its thing. It’s either one.

But then comes the tricky part, getting that thing to handle more. Guess it’s just some constant load building. Every single week adding some more on the pile and that might do the trick. But even if We wale the motherfucker up, there’s no telling what that thing might need. How does one feed such a thing.

This shit here’s enough. Gotta focus now. Focus on the damn event. Ah, We’re gonna hate ourself once again. It’s good.

20:51

Sleep tight motherfucker…

September 7

05:15

Not feeling that bad, not that good either. Only four hours and a half of sleep. Don’t know why this shit keeps happening. It’s crazy. We wake up so many times. Like all the time. We always wake up. Don’t know if that shit’s normal. Don’t think so. Well, We didn’t have it this badly back in the day, but We never slept much to begin with. We were always tired. All the way through school until now. Shit never changed. Though now, We’re a little more exhausted than tired. Don’t know what to do. Really stuck on that shit. Because We don’t wanna be. We really don’t wanna be tired. So We say We’re not, but that shit only works for five minutes and then it’s back to being fucked up. Sluggish if you will.

Fuck…

Don’t wanna be talking about that stupid shit all note long. It’s morning though. It is the morning of mornings. Just after five, ain’t got much time on this thing, so We gotta hurry, grab Our stuff and run to work. Think about a billion things on the way over, and quiting is half a billion of the thoughts. That shit comes up all the time. Not because We want to, nah. That shit hurts man, every day, every time again. We don’t wanna do it to begin with and then the knee hurts, the achilles hurts, the shin hurts, the shoulder’s fucked up… Whatever. It’s like, everything is trying to make Us stop. To Us that became a sign there’s something on the other side of all this. Otherwise it wouldn’t be trying this hard, you know. Otherwise it wouldn’t be on Our ass twenty-four seven. But you know, it’s all that shit. It’s everything, there’s so much We’re not even gonna name anything. It’s just that everyday opposition. The constant current We’ve gotta face. Not complaining, but We’re not gonna say We like this shit. We fucking don’t, who the fuck likes that shit. All the time. We’re always fighting that exhaustion, that’s one. But then with everything We do there’s a specific obstacle or two added on top, and then moving around is always hard because everything is in constant pain. It’s like, We gotta drag Our ass from one place to the next, do Our shit over here and over there, and move on. And We try and do it without so much as a fuss and a muss, but sometimes We fail at containing that anger, that hurt. We can’t contain that shit. Nobody could.

You know, for Us it’s just important to reveal that opposition. It’s there, and back when We were doing shit, well, it wasn’t that obvious. But now doing this, it’s getting more and more obvious how hard this life is trying to slow Us down, send Us in an opposite direction. Yeah, it really fucks with Us. It really does. But We shifted from running to using. Because We can use this crap to become something different, something mad, something insane. Something better. Better than Our last version…

See ya, gotta get going. Gotta keep going, no matter what.

06:26

We need this thing, like We really need to do this thing. It’s the only way We know, the only way We know how to live. We can’t live, normal… Nah. We can’t even live special. So We gotta live outside the box, outside the comfort.

08:08

It’s already past eight on the clock. Damn. Not that it’s fast or anything, but We wasn’t expecting that shit.

8:10

God damn run was atrocious. A complete failure. A total waste. Twelve twenty minute mile sucks ass. You know, gotta take it slow. Really gotta but, that’s some nasty shit.

09:32

Hell, time keeps moving doesn’t it. Good thing probably, maybe. Don’t care. Gotta get this shit in Our mind, get it and put it in the front.

13:23

Well. It’s always gonna be something, that shit’s annoying as fuck, but yeah, it is what it is, and We’re gonna have to deal with that shit. That’s like the standard now. The new norm, you know. That stupid shit. Deal with that stupid shit. It’s just today. Only today. Then tomorrow it’s something else, and let’s just hope it’s not something that could fuck with any of the workouts. You know. Because that’s what it really is, right now at least. Just something that could mess with those workouts. And that’s what bothers Us. Big time.

13:51

The longer We get here the better. Shouldn’t be here for more than ten to fifteen minutes though. But We could use the time. Didn’t have much to write, let alone think. It’s been a busy day again. Not that busy, just busy enough to keep Us somewhat distracted. Don’t like that. We would love continuous thought patterns, one flowing into the next, unbroken, true madness. And the worst can come first, like, give Us those insane contemplations. Give ’em as We go over each second that paints their picture. Brilliant how the mind works. Brilliant how the mind lives. It’s all brilliant. The constitution of this very existence. Everything within this life, the physical, the mental, and definitely the spiritual. The spirit is beyond. It is beyond anything any of us were given. The spirit is the ultimate gift. It makes all of this possible, and not just the living, nah, everything from the rocks and the seas, to mountains and trees, birds and bees, and whatever the fuck you can imagine. Because there’s a lot out there, there’s so much we don’t even know about, we don’t know about anything actually. We think we do, yeah, that’s more like it. We as humans think we know shit. We know jack shit.

So, we should stop pretending. And sure, we can figure shit out, a monkey can figure shit out. A dog. Even a damn slug can figure shit out.

Guess this is it for now, We’ll have some balcony time soon. Won’t take long before We get there. And then it’s partey time…

15:57

We can all agree this shit’s more important than anything else. Like… This is the only thing in Our life that’s worth anything. Everything else’s just not there, you know. It’s just not a part of Us. It might be an extension, a limb, an appendage. But it’s not the core, never was and probably never will be. There’s not much to say nor to do, other than be cool about it, be honest about it. And tell it as it is. This here is the only thing. And sure, We can do some pull-ups, some Navy-seal Three-pumps, some leg blasters… Whatever. Even some kettlebell bullshit. It doesn’t matter. All We really have is this shit over here. It’s the only part of Us that’s truly connected. Everything We’ve done so far, everything We didn’t, everything We witnessed and all that We went through. It’s all for this, all so We could start this. And it’s not this that carries the past. Fuck the past, the past don’t matter. We might refer to the past, explain parts of the past, but no note will cover the past, no story will ever serve the past.

The past was a complete mess, a madness of sorts. One We couldn’t escape from, or so We thought. But We did and here We are. Hella different. Different in the strangest of way. There’s this urge, the yearning, the need, to change, to alter everything. Every part of Us that comes close to the past or reminds Us of those years, everything that has Us think twice about the life We’re living and the choices We’re making… Well, that shit’s out the door. There’s no room for any of these things. There just isn’t.

Fuck.

We gotta focus on the thing here. But not the thing itself. Nah, what the thing does. Because the thing, well, the thing’s gonna fuck Us up, big time. Yeah big fucking time.

There’s this stretch, an amount of time that holds many questions and many answers, and it holds a part of Us, hidden… But if done correctly revealed. And this time We need it… We really do. We want it. And all that’s part of it. The pain, the pleasure, the abyss, the truth, every little bit that surfaces during these twenty-four hours, it’s Ours. It’s always been Ours, just gotta get out there and grab it. It’s gonna hurt a lot, too much in fact. But that’s the part that’s necessary. To go beyond, to really feel that sting, that reality, to be faced with utter annihilation and not turn away.

Yeah, it’s a strange thing, to be willing, “to want to do”… And then wanting more. Once, sure, twice, maybe. But again and again. Who does that. Only a mind that’s searching for something. Not meaning, not purpose, not any of these bullshit self-help terms. It’s the gift, that freedom, that disconnection from existence.

This is it for now, might see your ass later.

21:49

Stuck on the toilet it seems. But hey, taking a shit ain’t all bad. That shit’s gonna make some room for other shit. That’s why We flush. You know, flush the emotions, flush the thoughts. We hate that shit too, much like We hate the act of taking a shit. It takes time, it requires a little pressure. It’s like a lot of focus sorta, from the body at least. It’s a lot of things. But in the end, relief… And so it goes for all these things. When We write down bullshit like this, We kinda clear the mind in ways that nothing else can. Sometimes We might do it while talking, on a recording or something. But mostly. Writing bullshit, like this bullshit. And that’s all it is. Bullshit.

21:56

But hey, it’s what We need. It’s exactly what We need to put out there. The proof… That this bullshit, this in between bullshit, is the junk you gotta produce to get to the real bullshit you wanna show people. So that’s what We gotta do. Even if it’s boring, vulgar, insensitive. Doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, or just plain old garbage about nothing in particular. It doesn’t matter what that shit is. It doesn’t fucking matter.

Yeah, We’re kinda sorta worried though…

We’re kinda fucking worried. Never had that shit before. You know, We never cared that much about others. So nobody really cared for Us. Which is understandable. Really is. Though now We’re sorta gaining this perspective, this eye for certain things. Not saying We’re happy, but We kinda are. We’re unhappy ninety-nine percent of the time, but that one percent trumps the whole bunch. It’s because of that unleashing, that invigorating suffering, self induced misery. Yeah, it’s that pain, and hatred, and hurt, and struggle, and whatever the fuck that feels bad all put in one pot and stirred until this concoction of evil minutes is brewed. We drink it, let everything go, let life run its course, and after We’re done, well, We’re feeling good. Like… Filin’ Goouwd. Damn good of course. But it’s hard to produce, and not every day will end with success.

But see, We’ve looked around, all these people are affected by what their digital wizards of the world wide web reveal to them. Those damn phones man. Not saying to ditch these motherfuckers. Nah, We ain’t no hypocrite, fuck no. Learn to use them to your advantage. Fuck yeah… And fuck everybody that says anything else. This some real shit. We, We don’t do social media. Not a single one. We do have messenger snd Whatsapp to talk or call if necessary. We got YouTube, mainly podcasts or How To shit. Sometimes leassure. And there’s moments when We do relapse and slowly fall back on those old habits, watching shorts and other stupid shit on there. But the response to go that other direction has become such a fast one that honestly, We might even turn it on and off immediately. Not always though more often this occurs than not. It’s a strange thing. What We’re trying to say here is simple. Don’t get dragged into all that “show the good shit” bullshit. This stuff ain’t real. TikTok, Twitter, yeah We fucking said Twitter, deal with that shit… Instagram, Facebook. Fuck, even YouTube, and especially with that AI on the rise, or better said the abuse of it. It’s simple. Always asume that any of it is fake. It’s all fake.

Yeah, so, We’re kinda worried on the extent of screen time, or better said, app usage. You can have eight hours, but even if it’s a blank screen, it’s still gonna be better than watching that social media shit show. Because it’s all artificial dopamine, and loads of doubt’s what We wanna say, but there definitely is a better word for that shit. It’s a lot of addiction too, too much actually. It really is. That’s visible with those teenagers and shit.

Doesn’t really matter though, it’s sorta too late, because a lot like alcohol it’s ingrained within this societal structure. It would be frowned upon if you didn’t have a smartphone, or no phone at all. People would shun you, think you weird. It would create a strange effect. You would be the town idiot. The class clown though they would be laughing at you instead of with you.

Gravity is fucking these fingers up. These pinkies, you know.

Guess it’s time for bed, less than seven hours, still a little over six. Guess We’re gonna get only a little, like smidge of sleep. Fucking crazy right, how We always smell that shit. That nasty stench. Don’t know what it is, don’t know where it’s coming from, but it stinks, and it’s only been for a while now. It wasn’t like this when We moved in here. It’s coming from the outside though, you know, neighbor stench, shit like that. Yeah… Fucking annoying.

Well, see you tomorrow, you and your stupid shit…

22:23

Sorta glad We’re done. Kinda hated writing that one, you know, so negative sometimes, but We try not to be. We really try. Really hard.

Well, see you tomorrow punk. Get some of that professional sleep.

September 8

05:17

That belly thing’s probably just there to distract Us. But that shit ain’t gonna work. Nah. That shit’s not gonna work. We started caring less about many other things, so We might just be able to do the same thing here.

Still not sure when to stop running with those ankle weights. Should be fine, just worried about the back a little.

Worried about this shit a lot. Will We ever make it, can We become something presentable, as in, will Our work ever amount to something. Because We do see this as a sort of job. Not one We hate though. Nah, never really hated this shit. But still something We feel We gotta do. It’s not that We wanna do it this bad. It’s that We know We gotta do it, this bad… Sorta. Don’t know though. Never really understood what was or is expected of Us in the first place, but they also weren’t very clear on that shit. It’s not like they came around and explained the whole thing to Us. Nah, they just left Us there, in the corner, put Us in the back, really had Us excluded from the start.

We were an anomaly. Something strange, something to be studied, yet shunned. Something that had to be broken down as an example. Whatever We said, did, the way We walked, talked, ate. It didn’t matter what it was, but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t proper. See they told everyone, you can be who you are, and then they turned to Us and said nah, not you though. And We hadn’t even said shit.

That’s what it came down to really. And then they wonder why We were exactly who We were. Why We said those things, did those things, whatever. Fuck man. Good thing We got this far because We shouldn’t even have made it to this place here. This wasn’t even part of the plan.

We got that shit on the road though. We got Our ass rolling. And now We’re here, still stuck in this bitch, it’s Our own damn fault, but it was Our only option. And now that there’s not one way out, no escape route, We might just fucking do it, instead of running away. Because that’s all We ever did. Running the fuck away. Scared shitless of what could be, though unaware of how to attain that crap.

Well, it’s time, guess We’ll see that ass later down the day. Don’t know. Might be fast might not.

07:37

Most of them, well, most of them just talk…

That’s how it is. Like, it’s about ninety percent, maybe even ninety-five. Don’t become or be one of those fuckers. Don’t be one of them. These talkers. You were, but then you broke free, now We gotta maintain that freedom and keep getting after it… No matter what. There’s always a reason not to do shit, and yet you’re just gonna have to do it. Because doing it leads Us down the road that guides Us to that version of ourself. The one you’ve always dreamt of being, just never tough enough to chase it, never confident enough to admit it.

This shit’s true. It’s a nasty truth, but it is nonetheless.

07:42

Don’t say to much at once. Just say enough, close the note, get ready for the next.

09:26

Always waiting. Always. That’s Our life. It’s been like this forever. But it is what it is.

12:08

The amount of liers, the many bullshitters, those that speak in tongues, and those that split their tongue, teeth gritting. Don’t care what it is. It’s a lot, and it’s annoying. It’s beyond anything. We know, We know all of them be lying.

Yeah… Fuck ’em. Don’t trust a single one of them, and don’t trust a single word they say. They’s planning shit. Always planning shit, because they ain’t got nothing better to do. They ain’t got nothing in life. And they always complaining.

13:33

Could nap some more, shouldn’t do that though. Maybe go push some piles, keep ourself busy.

13:55

The back’s kinda messed up. Crooked like a politician, as they say… But that’s not the problem. Something else is bothering the back. And it’s usually while seated or after sitting, you know, when standing up. Taking a shit wasn’t such a problem, not the last couple days though. Don’t know now, because here We are and it’s gonna be a good one. Rough one.

These guys. Don’t show up all day long, then We gotta take a shit and they start rolling in. It’s damn annoying. Fucking garbage trucks. Well, it is what it is, and We gotta continue Our life. Well, continue taking a shit.

Guess We’re stuck here for a while, not the toilet, well, also the toilet, but this type of life. It’s a mess. It always has been, just didn’t notice because We weren’t in the damn thing for long. Always ran, you know. Always ran when shit got real. That’s what We did, quit the job, went on long vacations, fucked around and did nothing. Sure thing, We saw the world and learned a lot from these wide experiences. But it’s worth nothing if We can’t capitalize on that shit.

15:54

Well, didn’t get that much down during the day… Still day but fuck it… It’s balcony shizzle, so let’s make it sizzle.

Guess We need a perspective, an unshakeable mindset, undisturbed focus, a point of view carving stone. Strength, in the sense of resolve. After all it is a particular mindset that gets you places. Sorta. It’s also the work, but that work is attached or originates from that mindset. There’s no bullshit in that. It’s one thing We’ll give them. Because much of the other crap they’re selling is exactly that. Crap. Nothing more, but also nothing less. If you can sell a similar version of crap in a different coating then you’re rich. Sorta. Maybe not that rich. But still, well off. Damn, might even be set for life. And that’s something everybody wants. Or maybe not. Don’t know if We do, never really thought about it. Never really thought about any of it. What if you start getting the money. Ha. Never even spoken about it. This shit’s funny. What if you do, what if you manage and finally start getting what you were after. Are you gonna be satisfied, or want more like you usually do. Each and everyone of Us knows the answer to that.

It’s a mean thing. Realizing what it really is. But then it gets worse because then it becomes hard, harsh, harder, harsher, hardest, harshest… Yeah, overkill, but a necessary one. Definitely.

There’s nothing more daunting than the realization of this existence. That material wealth and currency don’t amount to shit in the happiness department. But even happiness itself doesn’t amount to shit in the happiness department.

Happiness ain’t a constant, never will be. Guess most of us understand that much. But in order for happiness to really surface, a period of suffering must’ve taken place beforehand. Yeah, the biggest bout of suffering possible. Now, of course there’s a limit. We don’t gain any happiness from Our suffering sessions any longer. We do gain a sense of fulfilment beyond anything We’ve experienced in life because it shouldn’t have been possible doing these things for months now. So yeah, that’s a different story. But before all that there was a shit ton of happiness, and it wasn’t even about being happy.

For Us it never is because We’re usually kinda up beat. Lately We don’t say that much anymore, not about any particular things, but also not about those broader things. Those schemes and masterplans, any of those conspiracy theory bullshit concoctions. Doesn’t fucking matter though. Not any more. Nah, We got busy, real busy. With Our self, physical and mental, and also parts of the spirit, though that’s usually determined. So don’t worry about that too much.

See ya tonight punk. It’s like We said… Don’t overdo the damn thing. Keep making these random blasters. It’s really gonna give that sense of opportunity. Well, it’s within these words at least.

21:52

Get the last shits down. Well. Get something down. Honestly, still no fucking clue as to where We’re headed or where We wanna go. It’s strange. We know We wanna do this thing. It’s like, somewhat the most important thing in Our entire life. Maybe something will one day join in. But for now, this here. It’s like, We’re trying to develop this raw expression, one put on paper, or on digital pages, it doesn’t matter exactly where, but the written word is mandatory. It’s, this nature of writing. It might be weird, strange even, like, not making sense, the reading might be all fucked, all fucked. But honestly, that’s not what this is about. Because inside this damn head of Ours, none of this makes sense, and it’s just how these things pop up, how they pop into sight and back outta sight. It’s madness. One thing after another, and none of it makes sense in it’s separate form, but strung together… Damn there’s a picture being painted. It’s far from done, far from perfect. It’s never gonna be perfect.

It shouldn’t be perfect. Never let it be perfect. That’s not the way these things work. At all. At all. This thing here, it can’t be perfect, because then it wouldn’t be raw… Then it wouldn’t contain that nature of self.

It would just be another attempt at a bullshit self help book and a brag of how We did things better than others. Fuck better, fuck self-help. And definitely fuck others. Preferably women if you’re a man and men if you’re a woman. But hey, if you feel like switching things up. Go ahead. Go straight on through. Well, not straight of course. Somewhat crooked. We kinda like crooked. You know what. Fuck everybody. If you feel like fuckin’ a cat, then fuck a cat. Kinda weird, but that’s life. Don’t get all crazy about other people’s shit. Fix your own shit first.

You can look at other people’s mess, just know the only purpose there is analysis to prevent similar shit from happening to you. You know, making all those wrong decisions.

Doesn’t really matter where they’re at in life. We know people that’re in their fifties and sixties and they still act like fifteen year old children. Not even teenagers. And a lot of people are self-centered pricks. They don’t even fucking know. They don’t.

Drifting off here. See, that’s why We don’t like doing this shit, because We start thinking about these people, and their shit. Don’t have the time, gotta start thinking about Our shit, and Our people. Because this Saturday, We’re gonna need everyone. Yeah, this time We’re gonna get everyone together. Get it all in. All those nasty patterns, those thoughts running rampant up there, while We tick off mile after mile. It’s only a hundred. Don’t underestimate, don’t act all badass. Once you get that shit you can talk. For now, just shut up and think about that shit. Like, dive deep into that madness. Get real woth yourself. It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna suck. We’re gonna wanna stop, but everytime the thought comes up, shoot it right back with a “We gotta do this, for Us.” It’s all about Us. It really is. All that matters is Us. It’s all that fucking matters, in that moment. That’s what people should realize for themselves. When in such situations where you are aiming for something that’s tough, rough, and sorta outta reach. Focus on yourself. Be selfish. You can be that person saying fuck you to parties, and hanging out late, and eating fast food. It’s cringe but it’s true. That’s the only way. It’s the only way. And it’s not about thanking those gurus, not about thanking Us for stealing their shit, it’s about thanking yourself. Really feeling great within because you did it. And the funny thing, just stick with that shit for a year, just a year… Three-sixty-five. That’s all. And by the time you get to about three hundred, well, you’re not gonna wanna let that thing slide any longer. You know why. It’s a part of you. It has become who the fuck you are, and you realize it was easy all along.

We still got that pack on the kitchen counter, still sixteen cigarettes. Still didn’t touch it. It’s Ours, We can go at it whenever. Whenever. Doesn’t fucking matter. In the morning, on the job, back home, before We sleep. And We might. For example after that 24hr-event. We might. Maybe We won’t. We’ll witness that shit first hand. But it’s all about the ability to do so and still refuse. It’s right there. And talking about it kinda makes it hard, sure, but then again it doesn’t. Because there’s always two voices. Make sure the necessary one wins. And you’ll know which voice that is.

Ah, this is it. Guess We’re going. Another crazy one down. Another day has passed. Actually can’t wait to get this shit on there. Gotta make a couple tweaks, sorta start over. But We got the damn time after that event. So, guess this is where Our life turns around. No more procrastinating, no more postponing. This is it… This is who We are. See ya, punk…

22:21

Nice one, sleep tight, fucker. Sleep real good. You know you can…

September 9

05:13

Those Friday Wednesdays. They’re awesome. Didn’t have many though. Having one now. Guess We can’t care less. Fuck the job. Damn We hate that fucking thing. Show up every day though. Not gonna claim We work hard every day. Nah. We’re not gonna say that.

Maybe We should try it. The coming days, especially before the event, but also after… You know, just forget about this fucking job and really focus on this. Act as if this’ the job. What if you get paid enough to get around for a month, and that every month. Would you sit here and write the meanest shit anyone can think of, or would you waste time like you do on the job sometimes. Though this’ something We love you know, but mentality is a strange thing. Not saying work yourself to the bone on that nine-to-five. Fuck that career, there’s no growth, no bonus, no nothing. There ain’t shit to get there. And then they wonder why people leave.

We gotta make sure that when We leave this time, whenever, that We’ve got it. Our own thing. Not just a notion, not just some bullshit story that might get Us there, not just some crap that We can tell ourself to make Us feel better. Nah. This time We need the real deal, this time We need the stuff.

We can’t get out otherwise, We’ve put ourself in this position, you don’t wanna be in this position. You don’t. This ain’t a pleasant place, this’ that maniacal madhouse. The degree to which We got fucked, by playing Our own cards in the wrong sequence. Because that’s all it is. Somehow it’s a good thing We’ve changed, but if you think about it, We should’ve done that years ago. Should’ve gone to a certain place years ago and We didn’t. And We’re not saying to look back on that and regret. Nah, that’s a waste of time. Just understand and realize what you’ve done to yourself. That’s all. Be honest with the nature of you previous existence and know that going back is no option. Because going back only gives you those habits you no longer want. It gives you that doubt you no longer need, it grants you the things you no longer require. And We know it sounds crazy saying it like that. But those things are real… To the mind. It’s always in relation to the mind. The mind’s fucked up. Sorta is your enemy, especially in all this. It makes you feel, think, do, but not necessarily is this done with your best interest in “mind”, nah, usually it’s the mind who’s looking after himself. You’re just along for the ride. The mind wants to survive, the mind needs stability, the mind only wants to preserve, not expand and grow. To the mind that’s a waste of time. Understandable… Consider survival is embedded for over tens of thousands of years. It’s how all of us operate. That’s just how it is.

Still don’t know about the weights though. It’s funny how Us thinking about other people seeing that shit would get Us to still wear those motherfuckers. Don’t know why We’re like this. Really don’t get it. It’s crazy right. It really is. Why should We care.

See you later punk…

07:34

Wasn’t bad, wasn’t all too good either. Just like life.

Fuck. It’s only two more days if you think about it, but then you don’t wanna think about it.

07:59

We’re gonna have to do shit We don’t wanna. A lot of the time. Hey, it’s only normal right. What do you expect. That’s how this life works. It’s a load of crap you don’t wanna deal with in order to get the shit you wanna deal with. To gain the life you wanna live, the days you wanna spend.

You think this life’s your own. We thought the same thing, so think again. Just once, just think deep on that shit.

14:07

We’re gonna have to do shit We don’t wanna. A lot of the time. Hey, it’s only normal right. What do you expect. That’s how this life works. It’s a load of crap you don’t wanna deal with in order to get the shit you wanna deal with. To gain the life you wanna live, the days you wanna spend.

You think this life’s your own. We thought the same thing, so think again. Just once, just think deep on that shit.

15:52

Gotta make choices. And oftentimes something’s gotta give, yeah, something’s always gotta give, if you want something else to rise, to improve, to become. That’s when other things must give. Honestly. If We keep at it with those weighted workouts, then the running could go without that shit for a period. Gotta look at that shit and really think about what We want. But that’s for another time.

Now it’s ultra time… Writing this damn shit down while yawning. Yeah, that’s the life. We’re already broken, We’re already wasted, already exhausted, battered. It doesn’t matter though, because We gotta do it this time. And it ain’t shit like that’s the last time, but if We do it now then We got that motherfucker just like it had Us last time.

The twenty-four hour run is something We’ve been obsessed by for a while now. Because it is a simple stepping stone to a next level of endeavors, among which you might find backyard ultras. But that’s not all. Nah. We want more. We gotta find more. Didn’t even finish the damn twenty-four hours yet and We’re already wanting more. Funny, that human brain. Always astray from what’s right in front and focused on the distant, and not so distant, future.

The only problem at the moment is the way We feel, like constantly. The exhaustion is nasty. It’s weighing through the roof. Those nodding off phases, they destroyed Us, and they still do, though less. We seemingly have them less now. Maybe it’s all happening behind Our back, well, the mind’s back. Crazy shit. It’s always crazy shit. We just realize it’s not in here or anywhere else you’ll find solace. Nah, that shit lies deep within you.

Fuck man… God thing it’s holidays, We can relax a little after this. But not too much though. All We gotta do this evening, and the next two is go over pacing, food, drinks, clothes, shoes, whatever. Just everything. Probably make a separate notes… Guess We’ll leave it here for now, cant make notes like this, can’t even focus on leisure, that’s how bad this shit has gotten. Crazy right…

22:42

You don’t make a mistake, you do a mistake. It’s pitfalls. These pitfalls are spread about your path. You didn’t make ’em. Your path neither. They’re part of the path. Necessities…

You know. It’s easy. There’s these roads, and along the road, obstacles which are often situations in life, then there’s pitfalls in between, which are decisions made and one does a misstep, doing a mistake. You see. That puts you in the hole. You can always climb out though. You know, you got yourself inside, didn’t you. So you can get out. Just accepting and realizing the mistake you did.

In between the obstacles and pitfalls, well, there’re patches of mud and quicksand. Those represent injuries or some backlash of life. It’s hard to group this thing, because there’s so much that can put you in through the mud, or stuck in the quicksand. There’s a lot, and it sucks, but if you muddle through and keep at it. Well, even those stages pass.

Coming back to doing a mistake. When you mistake someone for someone else, you did mistake them, or mistook them for whoever. The people don’t matter, it’s the way you do it, you don’t make it. It’s a weird thing. Just had to get it off the mind.

23:43

Guess We’re gonna have to write shit. Hit the sheets soon. Almost nodded off, just a minute or two ago. Ain’t doing shit though, so don’t really know why We’re still here, you know, fucking these eyes up. Like, really… Really bad. Fuck it. Gotta get hard. Gotta get harder then get the fuck out, after the hard part of course.

Yeah, We’re gonna suffer big time. No so much worried about that part. Just hope everything is okay, you know, in the physical sense. It probably will be, and like, this time there’s no excuses, nothing to hold Us back. This time We gotta get it. Big time, big time as a motherfucker, motherfucker. Yeah. It’s a necessity. Really is. Can’t escape this thing man. Can’t fucking escape this thing. We said We were gonna do this within a year, so, here’s Our shot. We got until the second of October. That’s when We ran Our first fifty miler last year. Now We’ve got this opportunity on the twelfth of September. That’s the only shot We’ve got left, the only opportunity. Are you gonna seize the moment. Will you capture this, or just let the motherfucker slip. Yeah, We fucking stole that from someone. Don’t give a fuck… Really don’t. He’s a hundred percent right.

23:59

Fuck…

Fuck…

Really gotta get this shit. We can’t let ourself down, not again. It’s okay to let others down, We’re used to that, to their reactions and whatever the fuck, but it’s like letting others down on things they deem necessary or important. We don’t fucking care. We used to, but We don’t anymore. There’s no point. Well, one day We might get to that place again, where We care, but then that will be the case due to a shift in who the fuck’s around Us. Like right now, these backstabbing complaining bitches thinking they work hard when there in a bottom end, dead end, fucking nine to five believing they’re the shit and nobody else works as hard as them. What a fucking joke. We should care about these people, don’t make Us laugh. They don’t care about anything but themselves and their brittle egos.

Yeah, We might go off track here, but this is as on track as it can get, sometimes this shit just has to come out. You know, We don’t wanna hurt people’s feelings because We know, We know damn well they don’t understand, We understand that they don’t know any better. It’s all they know. The life they’re living. And they think they okay, but they not. They haven’t found a sliver of themselves. We can tell, We can smell, We know damn well because We’ve been in that same position. All the way down on the ground, searching for scraps, kneeling for life. But fuck that, We may be crooked but We’re standing straight. Taller than ever. This here is Ours. You know what’s funny. We know. We fucking know.

We always knew didn’t We. This life, this place, this… Whatever the fuck this is. It’s not Ours. We’re supposed to create something within. To gain “freedom” while living this consistent life.

00:11

Fuck man. Dropped the damn phone. Do wanna finish though. But don’t know if We can. Don’t know if We should.

Happens.

Fuck. We should sleep instead of fight this motherfucker. Let’s get some…

September 10

11:44

So strange. Home on a Thursday. Well, sometimes holidays pop up, but this more like vacation. Feet up and fuck everybody. It’s important to zone in in that particular focus. Get a hundred miles, preferably more. Just over a hundred is perfect. That’s all We can say.

Look, there’s a lot of pain. But there’s more pain in the world. There’s a lot of problems, but there’re more problems in the world. There’s a lot of shit, but the surface of this earth is covered in that. You know, there’s so much, but the world’s gottalot more to offer…

It really does, and that’s beautiful, both the pleasant and unpleasant, it doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe, just maybe We prefer the unpleasant, you know, because there’s valuable lessons within.

Fuck. We’re gonna suffer. But that’s the point. We gotta suffer, suffer for what We did. Or what We didn’t. Look at it anyway you want. Just understand that holding back for so long, wasting away all these years, ignoring who you really are… And by doing that stifling the motherfucker that’s gonna pull Us through this shit.

The road We had to travel though. That darn road of ups and downs. Revelations. All those revelations. Gotta keep ’em close, you know, because they’ve been building Us up from the start. And now We’re at this point where true decisions must be made, the real ones. Whether We continue and risk death, or stop and waste within comfort and eventually die. Guess We’re going with the first. Fuck death, fuck comfort, and fuck stopping. Not anymore, We’re never gonna stop again. That’s that. So did We really ever stop. If now We continue down this path, and We maintain a particular consistency, then have We ever stopped to begin with. Because this is only the beginning. It’s been ten years of the beginning. But in ten years, We didn’t really do shit, or did We. It’s all hidden within itself. Gotta unravel the damn thread if you wanna understand. It’s something that’s hard though. That’s why We need these twenty-four hour events, why We need that hard shit, that day in day out struggle, hardship. Whatever. Call it what you want, think of the shit what you wanna, say what you’ve gotta say. But doing it, doing it is hella different. It’s not so much the physical tiredness, aches, injuries, constant tension. It’s that mental aspect, to endure this for the period of time and that period is infinity. You see, there’s no end date, it might end but that would mean shit just changes. Shit just changes that’s all, there’s no end.

Funny how We feel the need to make these notes as long as possible, when what really matters it the contents inside. Should shift that mindset back on track.  You know, even if it’s just one line, though one line with ten times more sustenance beats a two page text that doesn’t hold a scribble of value.

16:14

Yeah, it’s a fucking mess. The body’s dead you know. Long gone. Doesn’t matter. Still gonna do this crap whether it’s possible or not. We ain’t got the time to think about such things. We need to focus on what has to be done.

17:41

Fuck man. Gotta do something about Our time. Because We sorta keep wasting that crap. Not really, it’s just that Our way of life, Our habits, Our everything… Keep on wasting the little amount of time We’ve got.

Gotta review everything, the training, the eating, the sleeping, whatever. It’s up for review. And We need to be hard. Shit’s gonna get a lot stricter. Or at least it should. We need to figure out a ton of things. Maybe really get those macros down, get an idea of what We eat, then figure out what We burn. A lot probably. But you know how it is with them watches and shit.

There’s a lot We gotta do. But honestly, that shit We just said, that’s overkill. Sure, if We wanna go down a bodybuilder’s or Olympian path, but that’s not the point here.

People wanna be better. They just wanna be better. And don’t get it wrong here. If people are better, We don’t have a single problem with that shit. Means they overcame one thing. But most people they wanna be better, better than everyone else, they wanna feel better, superior. Not actually be better, feel better. That’s what’s so annoying about it. They wanna feel superior to anyone in the room and especially those unable to defend themselves. The ones that are not in the room. Always rambling about stuff they did, always talking about how great they were and whatever. Their typical bullshit to get that superiority complex into action. And then when they’re all talked up about themselves they go about and start breaking down others. Really dragging these people through the mud. Really getting them all covered and dirty. As if they never had dirty shoes, stained pants, holes in their shirt. Whatever. These people man. The funny thing. All of them, they just do it to themselves, and anyone around them.

Fuck this though. Shouldn’t busy ourself with this crap. Got other crap to worry about. Like a twenty-four hour event coming up this Saturday. Are We ready… Not really but when, when are you ready right. For something like this at least, you just can’t be. Maybe after a couple of years. Only on the first year, only on the second year of running. This shit’s insane. Don’t know why We’re doing it so fast. Maybe it’s because We got tired of all the talking, tired of all the bullshit. Whatever. Maybe We really did. Because that’s all they do, and look where that gott’em. We don’t wanna end up like that, We just don’t. We wanna create something, create some form of art.

Kinda feel… Well, We always get this contradictory dialogue. One side opposing the other. One telling the other he’s weak, then the other providing decent feedback explaining why those claims are stupid. And We should dial down. We should’ve done that last week, or at least starting this Monday. We didn’t. The running, sure. But the running never got that built up in the first place, only had like three weeks. But the workouts… Well, We sorta got back into those almost straight away.

That shit’s crazy. That’s real crazy. How fast We can do this shit. It’s a huge price to pay in the process, and it’s probably why We’re always tired and shit. Chronic exhaustion for the win.

(September 11)

00:18

Really need to hit the sack. Gotta hit that shit. You know.  Get up at a decent hour, do your thing, sleep a lot though. We need some damn rest. We need a lot of rest. That’s the only way. You know. Get some rest, then go fucking hard. Go extremely hard. Go so far beyond yerself, that’s all that really matters. No one else and nothing else. Yeah, guess We’re gonna go, We’ve gotta go. Like right now. It’s late already. Real late, fucking too late. Not gonna sleep straight away, but yeah, the longer We sit here, the later it will get. And sure, now that We’re doing this, well, it’s not so much an issue as when We’re doing anything else for that matter. This some good shit. Really is…

Still developing whatever the fuck this is. Yeah, still tryna get some sorts idea on what this means. Because it means a lot to Us, but would it mean anything to anyone else. Maybe one day it could. Maybe that’s the point, maybe that’s all this is. It could be the story of Our life. You know, stuck in this bitch forever, so We can build that which someone else can build further on, and… Well, that could be the road to ultimate success, to real acceptance. To realizing that this is it. And that’s okay. This shit’s okay. It’s not exactly what We want, not at all, but it is okay. It’s gonna have to do, for now. Doesn’t mean We’ll agree forever. Nah, We won’t, because We cant. Though this is it… For now. And this will have to do. And We’ll make it do. We will.

00:32

Doesn’t really matter how much We put down here. It matters how much We put in here. How much of Us. Right. And not defined by one but defined by all. It’s that nature. The source and sense of all this. Where it comes from, and it comes from deep within, but it is random, it is strange, it doesn’t make sense. Some days it’s only about Us, some days it’s all about others, some days it’s both. And well, some days it’s about nothing in particular. What can it be about, right… Everything. Because life is everything. How much have you lived and how much have you been. We’ve been, but god damn did We live. There’s been years, months where everything life had to offer was at a hundred percent, and that shit wasn’t gonna stop anytime soon and it didn’t stop anytime soon. Yeah. Those were great moments. It’s real important to have those. Real important. You know, We could even go as far as to say it’s a mandatory thing in life itself. To live it now and then. Not forever, not always. Just, you know, go out there, flow with the wind and see where you wind up. It’s damn interesting. Really

Well…

Fuck…

Guess We’re here again. Maybe We did try and distract ourself from whatever this thing is, but that sensation keeps crawling back up. We’re close again. Though We should We’re close now, because last time was last time, and this time it’s Our time. We’re definitely different than last time. Definitely. Not necessarily better, just different. That mindset’s all changed. All wired different. There’s something powerful in the mess. Something strong within the negative, within the lack, within the struggle, within that shit nobody has to deal with. It’s Our shit. Our shit. Don’t come around tryna take it back now. Nah, that shit’s burned into Our retinas. It’s on there twenty-four-seven. Nobody’s gonna take that away anymore. We didn’t want it, before, you know, back then, all those years, but now, now We’re fucking glad We’ve got that shit. Yeah, We really are glad. It’s the best thing that could ever happen to Us, this life. It really is. Wouldn’t want it any other way now.  Yeah…

Fuck all this shit though. It’s some bullshit, everything that happened, it’s first class bullshit, it’s the worst shit ever, not really, but guess you can understand. It’s just, you know, a big pile of bullshit, and that’s what makes it so nasty. If it was one or two things. Nah, year after year, and it kept going and the shit kept piling and everybody kept turning away, because they didn’t wanna be seen with that stupid fuck who didn’t care about shit because shit didn’t care about him.  And everybody kept getting shit, and everybody kept getting love, or notoriety, and there We were. On the damn sidelines, even an outcast among outcasts. And sure enough eventually a couple fucks stayed around, but We had “changed” so much by then that it was a lot easier. But you know. It was Us. Just a small part, though for the sake of getting better now, We started saying it was Us, one hundred percent, because that’s the only real way to change. And We’re gonna keep on changing. Yeah. That shit’s carved in stone. Our new will, Our new testament. This is the new norm. Change this life. Until life itself becomes unchangeable. Until every inch of this existence is exactly Ours. It’s not about perfect, not about strict, not about safe and secure. It’s none of that. It’s about how We live the damn thing. Our way or their way. And it sure as shit shouldn’t be their way. Because fuck their way.