June 12
06:42
Another one. We keep going. We’re sorta doing it. It sucks, both the doing it and the result. But nonetheless, We gotta keep it up. It’s too damn important.
It holds the ability, the capability to grow into something wonderful. Don’t worry about that. If We keep it up, it easily can. We can turn this life into something worthwhile. Without a doubt…
Though doubt will still remain a major part of this life. Because that’s what We need to continue down this path. To question, and to ponder. Always…
09:05
Simplistic values. Ain’t got no time for that shit. Ain’t got time for any of it. Love… Care… Lust… Envy…
All that shit. It’s bullshit. Though it’s about a lot more, yet none of it is worth anything.
15:28
It’s funny somehow. You know, how these things evolve, how they’re created. Bits and pieces. Don’t even know if they really fit together. Doesn’t really matter, does it… Anyway
Here We sit. We always sit, here, waiting. Awaiting… The clock, or the flock, or whatever. But We’re waiting for the moment when We can start living life again. Today was somehow lively though. Did a lot, also took a nap. Always take naps when on that clock. If you can at least. Five, ten, fifteen. Doesn’t fucking matter. Make sure to get paid while sleeping for at least a bit.
17:41
It’s crazy. This life. Guess We should be dead. Don’t know for sure, because it didn’t happen. Could still happen though. Always be vigilant, though never obsessed with that final judgement. Just know that there comes this day when all else fades, and one must face the ultimate. When that happens, try and make sure you’ve got shit to talk about. Shit to reflect on. Something that represents the nature of existence… More so, living itself. The rollercoaster, right.
That’s what this is representing at the moment. Going through this shit. It’s hell… That’s all We can say. But it’s a necessary one. Must keep digging fire lines until We find Our way deeper into this mess.
June 13
13:28
Really gotta fix this shit. It got out of hand again. Can’t keep letting that happen. We just can’t. Gotta find something. A goal, something bigger than ourself. That’s something that could fix this issue entirely. But it’s gotta be something strong, something beyond. And We gotta force that thing into existence.
All these distractions, that’s a part of the problem also. Can’t let it keep happening. Can’t let this mind stray from the path any longer. Because it is killing Us. Every Saturday We feel like a little bitch. Especially this type of Saturday. It was something close to 13 o’clock. That shit’s weak man. It is so weak. We can do better than this. We can. But it takes time, and it’s gonna suck. And honestly. Waking up earlier sucks, that’s right, but believe Us when We say, this sucks even more.
15:44
Harsh, though We did it nonetheless. Maybe, tomorrow We can do it again. The the plan was supposed to be 5.95 miles. Doesn’t matter though. You know, next week We’ll do a little extra on the weekdays, so this is some good prep. Guess We should go for 6.35 or 6.45 total. Though a 6.25 is fine too.
June 14
11:09
Hey, it was okay, but We brought it dangerously close to fucking it up again. You know. That shit’s no joke. Thing is, We got time now. We’re pretty good now. Probably take a nap later on. After the meal, you know. So hurry up. Get to running as fast as possible. Not the run but starting the run.
A 5.95 is enough, but We might go for that 6.45 again. We’ll see. Don’t know what it gets Us on the weekly mileage. Close to 43 miles, and probably something that’s a little over 8 hours. Which is damn good if you ask Us. Dude. Be real. We’re pulling mileage and hours like a pro and We’re only doing this for two years now. Only got real serious a year ago. So what the fuck actually. What can anyone say.
But fuck ’em, they don’t know, and they’ll never…
13:27
Strange. Pretty strange. It’s like… We’re going harder in ways, though that HRV got stabilized. The resting heart rate’s up a little, but not much. Our load is in a good range. Actually feeling good. Except for the shitting. That’s been crazy lately. But it’s okay. We have been eating more though.
This is also good. Hey, We’re doing this more often. Something’s shifting. Inside. Think it’s that massacre We’re putting ourself through. Might be changing Us even more. Don’t know if We’ll be able to record shit though, don’t think We will. Put some more letters down then.
This is enough, for now. Like We say… Don’t overdo this thing. Grow it, slowly. Surely…
June 15
05:23
A monday. Hell yeah. Let’s start this shit all over again. Ain’t broken enough. Believe you Us. We can go a lot further. Definitely. We can go down this hole a lot deeper, and probably a lot quicker. But remember. We should always take Our time to asses. That’s the most important thing here. Asses Our situation, the overall situation. Like the pec and shoulder. It’s mainly the pectoral. Everything else seems to be doing pretty fine, except for the standard soreness or injury. Whatever.
See you later, punk…
16:10
Damn… This shit was crazy. Slow morning. The run wasn’t all that great but not bad either. Then the workday got increasingly productive, steadily doing more and more. Ran home like a crazy man. Took a minute of that min/mile pace and ran a little further. Not much though. Got that 6.45 in the bag. That’s the new norm. Maybe try a 10 miler this weekend. We’ll see. Kinda gotta feel this thing first, because We’re going a lot harder due to those weights.
Crazy shit. We’re gonna be dead by the end of the week, that’s a fact.
22:05
Don’t give a fuck… Really don’t. Fuck that tournament. Fuck whatever they do. Don’t care. Bread and games. That’s all it is. It’s been that way since before the roman empire. And it will probably be that way long after. But here We sit. Might be working on ourself. Might just he a self-imposed illusion. But at least We’re doing something other than watching that mind-numbing bullshit.
Gotta go harder. More. Better. Stronger. But all within it’s own respect. It’s not about lifting weights. Not about running sub 3 hours. Not even about running or working out. There’s a question that needs answering. Though the notion isn’t solved within a day, a week, a month. This might take years. Endless suffering, the possibility of death. The only way out. The only escape.
People talk about the matrix, red pill shit, whatever. The truth behind that would even scare these alpha male machos. There’s no escape from the matrix, not within the construct, at least. Always remember that Neo had to die. Twice if taken both the metaphorical and literal. As long as you remain within the confines of these physics, of this nature. Then you will always be a part of the matrix. You might believe you are not, you might believe you are free, but in reality you’re always bound to something. Whether it’s your money, your business, your job, your food, whatever.
Honestly. There’s no such thing as the matrix, though there is a construct. An algorithmic sense of existence. One that is beyond our reach. None of us could uncover it.
22:15
The pain We feel. It’s not real. It’s the mind. The hunger We feel. It’s not real, it’s the mind. The exhaustion, the dehydration, the nausea, the sluggishness, the lack of drive… That adrift notion… All within the mind. It is made by the mind to keep Us busy. To force Us down a path. One that is without gratification nor closure. The path of life. Forcing Us down. Either down on the ground, or down an endless rabbit hole that leads to great suffering and at the same time strange understandings of self.
June 16
05:26
Gotta hurry. That’s all We can say. It’s always hurry. Don’t rush. But just hurry. Because you’re not gonna make it. Always outta time. Always. That’s just how it is. You’re fucked.
07:36
It’s not even a question. Focus on this. It’s all that matters. Focus as much as possible. You’ll get distracted. Definitely. You’ll lose sight. Thrown off course… Of course.
Tired. Weak. Bored… Whatever. All that goes against is you. So make sure that you force everything through, everything towards. Every last drop of energy.
10:15
Sometimes We should continue down the line. Sometimes We must start a new one. This is a new one, maybe a short one. Maybe the longest of ’em all. Who knows.
We know nobody knows shit. Including Us that is. We know the least without a doubt. But We like it that way.
Enjoy that nature.
16:22
Didn’t go that fast, though fast enough.
Gotta watch out for the shin though. That motherfucker is dying.
It’s hot out. That shit’s gonna kill Us. Without a doubt. Fucking weather. But it’s a gift. We want this thing. The struggle. The nasty sense of fading out. We know it’s gonna happen. Set by set We get closer to that sensation of dying and at the same time becoming more resilient. It’s fun…
21:20
We’re not doing enough. We can do more. Not on those workouts and shit. That’s plenty… Past the limit even. But here. In this. Wasting too much time watching bullshit again. We’re just not getting back at it. After it. Gotta find that extra again. Gotta find a way. It’s true. We got pushed in a particular direction, and We fell down a trap, though We can get out. With ease. Just need to do that shit. There’s no doubt. It will lead Us somewhere. Pick it back up. Go deep, go beyond anything anyone ever understood about it. Because really… You don’t know shit. You know some basic stuff, a couple a fancy things to throw people off. All that bullshit ain’t getting you nowhere. You know where… Back in that dump, the slump. That pitiful thinking where life isn’t handing you any opportunities. Because you don’t deserve them. You don’t deserve shit of you don’t work for that. Nobody’s gonna hand you anything. You’re not that guy. You’ll just have to fight for that opportunity. For what’s yours. Make it yours… That’s the only way for you.
You don’t look the part, you don’t even really play the part. You know exactly who you are. You know. If by now you didn’t, well. Then We’ve got a real problem.
If you don’t do it. You’ll keep asking that same damn question. And more so, keep making that same stupid empty statement. We ain’t gonna get out if don’t do shit about it. And the time is now. It really is…
It’s gonna suck. It’s not fair. But try and remember a time when it was. Never. There was not one second that’s been fair in this lifetime. Maybe a past one, and there might be some in a future one. But never in this one. That’s why the win will be so big if you just do it. There won’t be anyone else there. No one. Even if you don’t get recognized during your days upon this surface… Then that’s a price We must pay. But if it can lead to something that goes beyond understanding. We believe it’s Our task to chase this. That’s why it keeps coming back. That’s what that must be. There’s no other explanation.
Hey, good shit. Wipe that ass. Lose the weights, go to bed…
See you tomorrow punk. And do better. Get better. Go a lot further…
June 17
05:26
Guess We are dying. Maybe. Can’t sleep for shit, that’s for sure. Went down early, though We only got about 4:50h of sleep. Hey. Ain’t bad compared, but ain’t good either.
Though there’s this energy…
Keep grinding for that energy.
Think about that shit… What are We gonna do with that muscular system manual. Gotta write shit out, read it out, replay. Over and over.
16:02
Go hard, or go home. Well, We’re going hard, but We’re going home anyway. So We go hard on the way home. Crazy…
People start commenting. In a good sense though. Crazy. Let’s await Our beloved friday heat wave. If it’s still on the schedule. We’re on the schedule no matter what. So… Let’s have some fun. Hope it gets to that point where people barely move. Where people are dying from the heat. We’ll be out here running Our ass of with those weights. Can’t fucking wait.
Hey, We’re doing good on the job too, going great. Everything is going great actually. Maybe because of that extra stress, that strenuous motion. Keep it up. There’s this energy within. Find it.
21:18
It’s a step by step process. One day after the other. This foot, then that foot. Until those feet are covered in blisters. Then, We go even further. Until those blisters heal. It’s not about feet… It’s about everything. Everything in life. Don’t worry. This shit will kill you. But within that death lies rebirth, and within that birth lies an answer not many stumble upon. And you will stumble, fall, pick yourself up, break, tear, wear. Fail, falter, come up short. Run out of time… Definitely run out of time. A lot.
Some years ago We would produce these words with a kind of negative intonation behind each sentence. Now that’s changed drastically. We’re not there yet, not completely. But We’re getting to that point where it is the drive, the reason We keep after this, the reason We get out of bed on two or three hours of sleep and still get it done. It’s become a gift. The struggle. The hardship, the lack of time. Everything that’s a negative slowly turns into a positive.
And We do more, and more, and more. Because here We are. Alone, all by ourself. There’s nowhere else to be. Not one place that steal Our attention, Our focus. And if people ask, what’s wrong. Why so gloom, why so angry, why so plain. We’re focused, We’re thinking, We’re scheming. Planning, working out the working out.
June 18
05:27
Had some problems with the watch. Now it’s late. Well, not that much later. But still. Notice that this life comes down to minutes. Not hours, not days. Minutes and seconds. That’s what this life is all about now. Minutes and seconds. Sorta sucks, but it is what it is. At least, for the moment. Guess We’re fucked, but then again… Wouldn’t want it any other way.
See you later.
07:24
These depressionists… They’ve got it hard. They’re in deep. So glad We’re no longer part, or close to a part of that team.
Then there’s these people with plain outright issues. Mental problems We could say. Not in a sense of depression, more so in a sense of they don’t know what to do so they do random strange things and hold onto them.
It’s obvious, ain’t it. We all got these issues. We all got some sort of problem. When We look around, at all these blank faces, what is it We see… A load of bullshit. Masses of bullshit. Talking… Yapping away… Always running their mouths. Hey, We were the same though. Not so much anymore.
08:07
How will We write the book? Something real with a touch of fiction. A story… A line, though not chronological.
It requires truths and lies. More so illusions than lies.
14:17
Gotta take that shit though. Gotta take it now. Let’s go. Focus on the shit.
16:16
The most important thing… Probably this here. The workouts just the same. But this here goes beyond anything else, above anything else. There’s nothing as important as this bullshit here. Because without this, We wouldn’t be here. There wouldn’t be an Us to begin with. That much is clear.
What can We do with this though. That’s a good notion. We do not feel like this amounts to anything. Maybe it does. Though, it should speak to the heart. Of Us, and of others. Only then can it be something. Become something. Remain something.
Don’t know though. It’s like he said. Maybe We don’t really want this to be out there. It’s a nasty thing, you know.
All that shit We did, all those days We kept going down that path of a self absorbed piece of shit out for attention in all the wrong ways. Look at me! Look at what We do, look at who We are. Childish. Maybe We didn’t get enough attention. Maybe it was something else. If We look back upon Our early days. Those days when tying shoelaces was a supreme accomplishment. Well… We got cast out quite often. Through no fault of Our own We could say. But We definitely played a part in all of this. Being an outlier from the get go, thinking different, speaking different. Interested in different ideas compared to my peers. If We could speak it then We were pretty smart, but due to the lack of strong vocabulary and many other linguistic issues, We could barely phrase anything into existence, or at least properly. That’s why nobody listened, nobody cared. But now We realize… Nobody cares anyway. They just don’t. Maybe a little bit. But they don’t. In all sense of caring. And that led Us to exaggerate, lie, make up stories. Whatever. Acting weird. And to some degree We had no control over Our energy and the impulsive parts of Our actions. But that’s just a weak person’s version of an excuse for not learning how to control their behaviors.
It was a mess. And as a child, a very young child, this becomes a problem when parts of the brain are already functioning in ways no child should be burdened with.
22:23
Wondering if it’s true. About that weather. If it gets that hot for so long, that would be great. Real great. We’ll be dead, no doubt. But it would be awesome to workout in those temperatures.
Gotta do the list, see ya next time punk. Tomorrow that is.
22:29
Guess We got a little more time.
We were in a sense driven by understanding. Not so much now as it was back then. We didn’t realize to what extent knowing things would force suffering on the mind. Now We do. Now We know. Now We understand. And maybe that’s the particular understanding We were aiming for. Along the way though, something changed.
Now shit really changed. But along the path of solitude something happened. We figured ourself out. Sort of. You’ll keep doing it because it’s never over. It never is. There’s no such thing as a finish line. And We know others have said this before, but it is true. It’s the only truth. Well, there’s many of those, these “only truths”, but this one is strong. More powerful than any other.
There’s no escaping this one. Even if you don’t know about it. Even if you never heard it before, thought of it yourself. There’s no escaping this because the only finish, the true finish line. That’s death. That’s when it’s all over. Only then can you rest.
Otherwise, the single option that exists is to continue. Suicide is not a part of your answer. Suicide is a viable option, but it cannot be. Because when executed, there’s no telling what could be. There never is, in a sense, but with suicide it becomes a permanent effect of actions taken.
This is it for now. Keep this thing up though. Hammer at it.