June 5
05:26
It’s a new one. A brand new one. Even when We thought We wouldn’t change all that fast anymore, We still do in major ways. That mind, this mind, Our mind. It will become unbeatable. Maybe it is already in certain ways. Maybe…
Not sure what all this is. But We must keep going after it. We must continue this quest of madness. There’s something at the other end of all this. Some thing that will be revealed, about this world and about Us, Our role in it. Because We do have a role in this existence. Why else would We consist of this insanity, of this drive, this string of endless notions. Pondering the possibilities perpetually…
16:36
Keep this damn shit going. Whatever the cost, whatever the struggle. Whatever the fucking pain. No obstacle is too big, no opposition is strong enough. Just keep going. Day in, day out. Grind, grind, grind. Fucking grind… Get those gears clasping and grasping. Mold the madness. Form the insanity. Grow… Grow… Grow… Beyond anything, beyond everything. Past a hundred, past two hundred. Past whatever the fuck is required to make this shit work. There’s nothing else. There ain’t shit except for this. Get up, get after it. Not the workouts, not the running, not the work… The damn mindset, that damn string of notions.
This life, it’s nothing if not under pressure. Time, strain, mental fatigue…
Become truly obsessed…
June 6
11:15
This is still nice though. We got up at around 9:30. Then slept for about an hour on the sofa, just a little under, and got up again at 10:30. The main workout’s in the bag, that shit was hard. Hardest it’s ever been since We started focusing on those full range of motions (FRoMs). Gonna have to run. Big time. Well, not so much big time. We can take it easy. Take it slow. Make sure those weights are pressed on right. Go for a 5.45 miler. That’s enough. For now. Gotta work up to this shit. We got the whole of June. Maybe double check though, because We’re certain there was this 10k due somewhere.
Just checked, that’s the last week. So We should be able by then. But We also need to run a 10 miler somewhere within June. Gotta fucking do it. It’s gonna be freaking hard, that’s certain. But We can manage. No sweat, well, We’ll be covered in that shit no doubt.
June 7
01:51
Dying on the inside man. It’s heavy again. Sometimes it’s that way. Sometimes it really feels like We’re dying. Then other times We feel so great it almost resembles immortality. Don’t know what it is. And honestly, don’t really care to know. Might be dying for real, and if that’s the case, guess it’s best not to know. Might last Us a little longer, this life…
Sleep good, sleep hard. Deep sleep. We can do this. Don’t worry. Just sleep…
11:08
Got up that twinge earlier. This is how We gotta do it. Step by step. Next weekend We’ll get up even earlier. Step by step. Slowly teach yourself. Slowly gain that traction and roll forward and onward. To get better, to do more, to become more. That’s all that matters. Nothing less, nothing more.
This is all for now. Try and get this shit over with as fast as possible. Though always remember, time is time… A minute will always be a minute. That won’t ever change.
13:04
Really gotta keep this up. However hard it becomes. Don’t matter the amounts of pain and wear. Don’t start bitching about tired, about anything.
You know right. You know damn sure. They all looking your direction. And now, since a while now. You don’t even give a fuck anymore. Not one fuck. That’s where We gotta go, that’s where We gotta stay.
It’s who We are, it’s who We can be. They will fear the name. Not in a fight or flight sense. In a sense of hard work. Endless pursuit of advancement.
Let’s fucking change this DNA…
21:46
It’s becoming more and more important. It’s lodging itself into Our conscious. It is in Our nature now. It is who We become. Day in, day out. It’s not so much a question of how, or what… But more so, when… When. We gotta keep this up. Keep this going, make sure it lasts, make sure it snowballs into something greater. Into a perfection of flaws. Into the only thing it ought to be. Growth…
This isn’t self-growth, self-help. This ain’t that bullshit. It’s not muscle growth. It has nothing to do with endurance. None of that shit. It’s not even about getting harder, or mentally stronger. Those are simplistic ideas, notions of stupidity. One cannot prepare for life. Though one can prepare for the chaos of life. One can understand that nature in which life flows. Ups and downs, however cringe that may sound.
One day all is fine. The next day loss is everything. The next day hardship flows your way. It compounds, it piles. The easy and the hard. It stretches the soul, lays it flat. Tired, broken, though never defeated. The only defeat is death, and it is a necessary one. The end, the true finish line of this experiment that is you. The reflection at the end. Though that reflection does not require a smile, nor a frown. It requires whatever’s necessary to complete the process. To cut the timeline and leave room for another. Not always similar though strangely alike.
It is here, all of it. The knowledge, the understanding, the revelation… Within this madness, within this obsession. Necessary… Forever… Perpetual pondering. It cannot disappear. One cannot simply turn of the voice of reason. And not the reason that depicts sanity. The reason of existence. It’s always there. It’s a neverending cycle of notions that require deep thought to be unraveled. You will not find an answer straight away, or just by listening. Questioning is required. Going against the nature of what it is, of what you are.
June 8
06:47
This fucking shit. It’s only gonna get harder, for now though. At some point it’s gonna get easier. But now, for the longest of times, it’s only gonna get harder.
The necessity…
It’s required to get to that next level. It’s a harsh thing, sure. But that’s exactly why We gotta keep pushing this shit. It’s a mess. It’s maniacal. It is necessary…
Demanded. By the Gods… Maybe. Maybe not. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t fucking matter. The only thing that matters is that We do it. Keep pushing. Keep grinding, no matter what.
15:02
It’s here. Always here. In the silence. The solitude… Is it loneliness. Though always lonely, We’re never alone. That’s a good thing right. And We’re not so lonely after all either. It is a strange thing. But the loneliness only disappears after the radius is brought up to a couple of thousand miles. Only then. Because within this place. Within this part of many, there’s not one soul as fucked up as Ours. We’ve looked. Not extensively, but there’s no reason to do such a thing. We know. We are certain. There’s not a single soul around, not one that is similar to this madness. Not one carrying this particular insanity.
June 9
06:41
Just another day…
Don’t know why We sleep this bad. Because We still went on time, sort of. We were tired, sort of.
Always the waking up, and the falling asleep. They seem to be the biggest issues. Gotta fix that shit. Gotta fix it real fast. We think it’s something mental, We hope it is.
10:42
Why do you let this bother Us so much? Don’t really understand that shit. You know better. This is proof though… This is that proof. All those little stupid tasks… All that waste of energy. But when it comes down to the real thing, no one’s around…
15:38
Always acting like We got the time, We ain’t got the time. We don’t. We gotta work harder. Do more. Get better… Become something, you know. Maybe We are something… Though it’s not enough, not yet. And maybe We can put this on a page. The journey. But then We gotta find a way, know exactly how, and especially why… The why. That’s the hardest one.
Still ain’t got the why. Gotta keep thinking, grinding on the why…
23:05
Time for bed. Sleep deep mofo. Get that good sleep. You can. You really can do it. Just relax and slide into that shit. It’s easy. Very, extremely… Potent…
23:10
Wonder though… What is it. Why are We doing this. Why are We really? Because there must be a reason. Well, there’s an answer at the end of all this… Though don’t ask Us the question itself. Because We don’t know the question. And We don’t possess the answer just yet. Or any part of it for that matter.
June 10
06:42
It’s gonna be that same bullshit over and over. Until it doesn’t get Us in the same way any longer. We gotta keep this up, because at some point, this shit will become easier. It will, there’s no doubt. It did before. It will do so again. The pain is temporary. Well, in Our case not so much, though this type of pain is. Soon enough We will develop, We will create a newfound pain through novel activity levels. That’s how it goes. And that’s how it should. Step by step, day by day. Who knows what’s gonna happen to Us if We keep this thing rolling. And We gotta do that much. Whatever… However much is required of Us.
We can do this. We gotta do this. We gotta build something to live off of.
Get it, every damn day. Every god damn day.
15:31
What a mess. Can’t even take a decent shit. You know. These days, these days are those that nobody sees, that nobody acknowledges. And they never will. They’ll never acknowledge this because that reveals something about themselves. Well. Most obvious of all those things is that they couldn’t even get this shit done. And then come back tomorrow. After all the other shit… After all the workouts, after all the mess. After such little amount of sleep. Always tired, always broken, always empty. There’s no fuel in this world that could sustain them. They’d need cocaine or meth. Or whatever keeps them going because they couldn’t. You start to realize, don’t ya. They just couldn’t do it. They never will. It’s harsh, it’s way beyond everything. Just think about it. In about an hour We have to upgrade from 2.5kg to 3kg on each leg, run a 3.13 miler, change into our jogging, do 80 pull-ups with a 6kg vest and then into Navy Seal three-pumps, 35 of those which equals 105 push-ups. Then 3 sets of leg blasters which comes down to 210 reps. And if you think We’re done after that. Fuck you. Another half hour of core and excess work to finish the day. The day of working out. Still got about 20-30 minutes of stretching. Oh, right, don’t forget about the store. We gotta go and get groceries.
Just some ranting. Don’t take this too seriously…
17:34
Damn… Lost a lot of time. So much time. All these minutes. Gone. Can’t say shit about it. Just can’t. And that’s sad. But can’t let it get to Us either. Gotta grind it out, hope We got enough time to make this work. Don’t worry. We’ll make this work.
Always do…
Maybe We gotta say shit. Maybe We do.
June 11
06:38
This is all that matters. This here is the only thing. Not those contests, not those races. No event matters compared to how this builds Us up. This truly is the only thing that matters. Everything else is just a test or a waste of time. And We’re always studying. Studying whatever the fuck this is. Who knows, right…
It’s a madness. A certain obsession. A drive. Something that forces Us. Something that begs Us to get up and try one more time. Always try one more time.
08:27
Gotta spend more time here. Gotta go deeper into what this shit is exactly. Is it an excavation of sorts? We wonder…
We always did ponder, from a young age. It’s in Our nature.
11:15
We did it. Finally fucking did it. Finished that bit. Still need to clean up. But that’s for some other time. We already went to that point of “don’t stop when you’re tired, stop when you’re done”. That’s some maniacal shit.
15:42
Now We wait for those last fuckers. You know. It’s always waiting. It’s never going. Well… Soon We’ll be going somewhere. But now it’s just waiting. Good thing We’re on the clock though. But fuck the clock. And fuck that wage. Bullshit. But hey. Life… The clock, that’s life. And everything around it is recovery. So We said fuck recovery. Now life is whatever happens around the clock, and the clock is recovery, in a way.
17:33
Ran like a monster. Fucking great. Gotta get better, go harder. Gotta get more out of this body. It can go so hard, you don’t even know… We can truly do this. Go beyond, and beyond, and further beyond. Break that limit time and time again…