May 1
15:16
This isn’t what you want right. This exactly. It’s a perfect emulation of what you don’t want. You feel like shit. You’re pissed off, you’re angry, you’re down. It’s a mess. Our time is all fucked up. We ain’t got any… We ain’t got time now. It’s gonna be from one thing into the other.
Let’s take it slow though.
Back to this shit though. We really gotta do something about it. We really gotta figure some shit out. Because this ain’t working. This shit ain’t going great. We’re being a little bitch. And We sort of know how it goes. Wake up to take a piss. Go back to bed and We’re fucked.
May 2
11:48
We fucked it up. Again. It’s a lot better than yesterday, though We fucked it up again. We just don’t understand why We keep doing this. It seems like you don’t want it bad enough. It seems like you don’t wanna be this successful guy bad enough. We keep on having that same discussion every Saturday, every damn Saturday it’s the same bullshit all over. Why…
Why do We do this to ourself? That’s a fucking great question. Why…
Think on that shit. Really get into that shit.
May 3
11:48
We already made a big change, it’s true. Though often times We do relapse into bad habits. They don’t last long because We know better. Though the only bad habit We keep reinforcing somehow, is this one. The one where We get up late, where We waste Our time beneath those covers. For no apparent reason other than the illusion of recovery.
Just try and remember, just try and realize that after this much madness, with this much damage, and the lack of sleep built up over these months, it’s impossible to catch up to any form of recovery granted from sleep.
We gotta make a change, once again. We gotta look at this thing in a different way once more. It’s not good enough. We’re nowhere near where We gotta be. That’s for sure. We gotta go further. Gotta go beyond. It’s important to surpass yourself. In many ways though. Not only the physical.
12:56
We gotta get back into it.
Not talking about the workouts or the runs. Just that mindset of “We gotta get more”. We gotta figure out what to do with this. What can We do with this. What can we give to the world? Do We wanna give to the world, any of this? Do they deserve the madness to come, the obsession to learn from. Whatever…
It’s strange isn’t it? We don’t know what to do with this. It’s Ours and still We don’t…
May 4
06:43
That shit’s coming up. It’s getting closer. Damn close. Madness. It is madness…
We feeling better actually. Strange right. Yesterday was a mess. We was fucked up. Definitely. Today seems better. Don’t know what that shit was, but it wasn’t pleasant.
Don’t forget those covers…
That shit’s important.
14:15
Here’s where We should be, with Our mind focused, laser sight on that goal. Not the run, not the workouts… The life. This life. This life here, with all that is necessary, with all that’s a part of the madness…
May 5
06:44
Getting closer…
Remember, it’s only 4×40 kilometers. That’s all it is. And do break that down into even smaller bits. It’s possible, doable. We can fucking do this.
10:05
We’re a product of this society, are We not? Does it give Us the “right” then, to talk about what this society truly is? Not claiming We know what it is. These are mere suggestions of the world We find flowing about ourself.
These are some of the best times to be alive, also the worst. It all depends on how you look at it, and mainly what you focus on.
Fuck. It’s so easy to look at the negative, it’s damn easy to gaze at what’s bad and wasteful. But to see the beauty… Now that’s an art these days. To see the wonder within the disaster. That’s a harsh thing to do. Obviously it starts with yourself. That’s beyond true. It’s true knowledge. The only knowledge worth gathering.
Truth’s hard to find. One must become obsessed with its nature.
All We know, all We understand, right now, is the madness it requires. And this insanity doesn’t grow in a day or two. It has been evolving for twenty-nine years now. It took Us places, showed Us things. It gave Us no way out. And here we are. Glued to a keyboard spewing some nonsense on a pixelated page. The crazy thing behind all this is its nature. How it haunts you. How it comes back and sticks to your brain. How it holds you, continues to pester your every waking second. And those nightmares. The damn nightmares waking you up. That’s all part of the madness. All part of the process.
“Thanks for the info…” *Beep*
There goes the connection. Line broken, conversation ended. That’s the world We live in today. Well, it seems to be that. Sad, a little, is it not?
It’s one after the other. One done… On to the next. Funny…
Well, guess We just think different, guess We’re just wired different.
Silence. That’s what matters most. Silence. Well, not the utter silent nothingness. That doesn’t really exist. Maybe it does.
‘How often we reach for things of comfort, for gifts of pleasure. Always yearning for the present, that relief, that release. Though never seeking destruction, never aiming for starvation of senses, never sitting within the sorrow, the hardship. The ultimate path, the struggle. Never do we crave these things. Then again, We’ve come to respect this, gained insight into its importance. Came to terms with its consistency. To gain that which others shy away from. The pain isn’t free, but it remains a gift, and a wonderful one at that. There’s no other gift than the hurt presented to us within these moments of inner truth. The reality we can’t escape from, though seem to drown out every day in order to feel good, about ourselves, within the moment. Never questioning the consequences that this aversion might bring forth.’
Honestly, what do We expect, and who are We to demand something in the first place. Nothing but a simple complicated lifeform coasting along a surface. A land that’s not Our own, as We have left behind this pristine state of survival as much as anyone around Us. We are nothing, yet everything, all yet none. It is simple though complicated, it is straightforward though misguiding. It is life. And We claim it as Our own, although everything upon this surface goes through a similar process of birth and death.
Wonder when the bullshit stops…
19:58
Do you really wanna waste another five years doing this nine to five bullshit…
May 6
06:45
Well. Ain’t got much to say other than make a fucking list.
A list of what you need to bring and a list of the food.
Work on that shit…
May 7
06:36
It’s almost here. Getting closer. Seem to be getting sicker too…
What a life. But We ain’t gonna quit. We don’t. Not anymore. This is how We roll. Disadvantaged and beat up by life. Nothing more, nothing less.
Look at it this way. How many motherfuckers will show up like this and do that shit. How many…
Nobody. That’s the freaking answer. There’s no other one.
Let’s push ourself into and through hell. Let’s fucking do this.
We’re tired anyway, so We can’t get tired. We’re fucked up anyway so We can’t get fucked up. All that shit, so it’s gonna be that shit anyway. We’re gonna do it anyway, all of it. It doesn’t fucking matter. And chances are We’ll be a lot better come race day. Saturday. When We wake up We’ll be perfect. We’ll be good…