Here it is, isn’t it. It is exactly here, on the pages that reality might unfold. If, and only if, We dive deep into the madness that contains the slivers of Our reality. You know, We weren’t gonna write to you, though here We are. Weren’t really sure who to write. It’s been like this for a couple of days now, maybe even a couple of weeks. Time’s a tricky bastard, and so is the mind. Especially Ours. So here We are, writing to you.
Done with the bragging, We guess. Done with the elaborate explaining of what it is exactly that We are doing, that shit seems to be over, that shit seems to be obnoxious, or at least it became that. It is something We should avoid, because it’s an empty vessel, a depletable source. All We should chase is the glory from Our own perspective, from Our own point of view. We should think of it, swim in its unseen aspect, to swallow the reasonless, purposeless, effect of doing something no one knows about.
Honesty…
Honesty, honestly, has been a strange factor in Our life. Many days We were as dishonest as a corrupt politician facing a crowd on to his schemes. And other days We couldn’t tell a single lie, even if it was to save Our own skin. It is a strange thing. But here, now, We’ve come to realize, and this is a ‘once again’ thing, that honesty only holds potential if you are true to the self. It doesn’t really matter if you are honest to anyone else but the self. If you start there the rest will follow. So, now that We’ve got that out of the way…
We’ve been a punk, We’ve been many things in this short span of life. But We’ve never been this, and today We realized this is what We want. The pain, the suffering, and that’s not something you, We, can brag about. We can talk about it, though it should never formulate as a brag. Don’t ask Us why that’s the case, just had that feeling today, for a while now. And all of that work We do, We shouldn’t talk about it too often. Honestly, because many of those around Us, they wouldn’t get it. And that, actually, it’s a little sad.
No Distractions
Think We’re trying to make up for Our other failures, much like this here. Haven’t finished one letter in days. So this here is another attempt, though We seem to be talking to ourself in a strange manner some of the time, sort of justifying the lack on this through the extremity that is Our physical work. But We’re slowly realizing that We’ve just wasted a bunch of time with a ton of bullshit. We wanna act like We’re the disciplined guy, this go-getter whether motivated or down in the dumps. Yet when it comes to this and the self evaluation, well, We’re not that disciplined it seems. Still finding Our way about the mine field. Good thing those limbs of reflection regenerate instantly. At least We got that much going for Us at the moment.
Though We mentioned getting after it again, and that seems to be the spirit these last couple months. If We fail at producing this, going deep enough into Our abyss, well, We regroup, reorganize, and get after it again. And the funny thing… Our focus was off for a long time, but today, today We got that bitch back in the box and nothing’s gonna distract Us from this. It is and always will be the harshest thing for Us to maintain, and it drains Our energy beyond anything. Though We’re learning to fight that ‘disease’ lately, and that after all these years of sitting in that self pity, believing what they told Us. “You can’t do shit about it, son.” Yeah, fuck you is what We have to say to those ‘specialist’ right now.
Facing Insecurity
We’re slowly getting there, day by day, but it’s gonna take many more days, all because We waited this long, all because We ran from these issues, Our problems for so long. Whether created by others or by ourself. It doesn’t matter what the reason, but it’s Our responsibility, is it not. It’s what We have to force no matter the pain, no matter the outcome, no matter where it leads Us or what it reveals about Us along the way.
Fuck, when We look at this, there’s such a massive pool, a lake of hurt gathered on the inside. Is this not the case for everyone, even for you? All that pain floating about in that thick skull, unable to do something about it because We’re to afraid to swim all over the place looking for ways to unravel the knot that maintains, sustains, the twisted entangled strings of negative contemplation. Insecure thinking. Do you face those insecure thoughts? Do you fight those endless cognitive delusions?
We’re trying, real hard, but gotta admit. Fuck this shit’s hard, this is worse than those workouts, worse than running on the splints, worse than those shoulders, elbows, knees, cracking. Much worse than all the soreness dissipating and reemerging, day in day out. This mental aspect, if We are truly honest, maybe We could go as far as to say We’ve underestimated that shit. We thought this fucked up mind was able to handle anything, the streets, the freezing cold, starvation, the pain, the tedious drag, the repetitiveness. Sure, damn sure to all that. But facing the self, facing this inner turmoil, this constant feed of lack, of shortcomings, of weakness. That’s worse than anything We’ve ever come across. And you know, it only became worse, harsher with time, whatever you do, don’t let time grow branches from the roots of those spiraling insanities.